"Mama Bear" instinct is real, y'all, and regardless of the situation, no one wants to see their child upset.
But when unwarranted actions and words by someone - especially a trusted adult - causes a child distress, Mama Bear takes on a new form altogether... and rightfully so.
A mom on Reddit was upset after her child was shamed by her teacher for writing her name on her new school supplies, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor MoviegoingArtist asked:
"AITAH for Writing my little girl's name on every single school supplies?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I'm (31/F[emale]) an adoptive mom to an 8-year-old girl named Lilly."
"We decided to go school supply shopping because I enrolled her in a before-school-starts program."
"A month before school starts, they learn some extracurricular stuff."
"Lily really wanted to join the program, so we went out and bought all the school supplies."
"I have had problems with people stealing from Lily, so I made sure to mark everything."
"We bought all the required supplies, including a clear backpack."
"To prevent theft, I used E6000 glue to put her name on the clear backpack so no one could take it."
"It's bound to happen otherwise."
"We got a really cute pencil pouch, and I wrote her name with a Sharpie on the inside of the pouch."
"I also wrote her name on the box of markers and every individual marker."
"I did the same with the scissors and the glue stick."
"I basically wrote her name on everything to prevent theft."
"I sent her to the program, but when Lily came home, she was upset (though not crying)."
"Apparently, we weren't supposed to write names on the school supplies because everything was going to be mixed up and distributed to everyone."
"I called the teacher, and they explained that they didn't have enough money to get every single kid their own supplies, so they planned on distributing the supplies evenly."
"The teacher shamed Lily for it."
"Now, I don't know what to do."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on the situation and declared OP is not the a**hole (NTA) in this situation, many stating that parents should be notified if supplies are to be shared amongst other students.
"NTA. If schools have trouble getting supplies for all students, then they should make that announcement so parents can volunteer to pitch in extra for kids who go without."
"I will never understand shaming parents and kids for wanting to use their own supplies." - PetrockX
"NTA if there wasn't anything about sharing supplies on the list of required materials" - Shi*suri
"So you buy supplies and give them to the school, and everyone just uses what's handed in?"
"I understand money shortages and things, but how can you guarantee your daughter won't be left short when at school?" - clarabell1980
"NTA. All the supplies will get used or stolen and they will be asking you to buy more in a few months."
"Kids should be able to keep up with their own stuff."
"No one has the money to pick up the slack for parents who don't or can't buy stuff."
"That's what taxes should be paying for." - Kat_kinetic
"As a teacher, I disagree with this approach of needing parents to purchase supplies for the whole class."
"Outside of things like hand sanitizer or tissues or maybe an additional pack of pencils."
"I don't think it's acceptable to ask parents to outfit the entire freaking classroom, and it's not the teacher's responsibility to outfit the classroom either. It should be the school/programs. That is their responsibility and I will die on that hill." - murderino0892
"When my girls were in grade school (now starting middle and high), we had a list of individual supplies, and then a small set of classroom-shared items."
"I never had an issue and was always willing to assist because I knew going in."
"If, however, you didn't, then that is BS."
"NTA at all." - EfficientSociety73
"'Apparently, we weren't supposed to write names on the school supplies because everything was going to be mixed up and distributed to everyone.'"
"Then that should have been communicated beforehand, and I'd be giving that teacher and program leaders a piece of my mind."
"You don't shame the kid."
"'I called the teacher, and they explained that they didn't have enough money to get every single kid their own supplies, so they planned on distributing the supplies evenly.'"
"Exactly how are they supposed to do that?"
"What guarantee did you have your daughter would have the supplies needed?"
"And where did you sign the agreement for that?"
"American school systems are so f**ked for this (among the myriad of other f**keries most foul), but sorry if I'm putting the money on this, my kid absolutely better have the supplies needed, and I bought for them."
"And if they shamed my kid for enforcing that boundary, I would be there to correct that malfeasance in a heartbeat." - KnotYourFox
"NTA. If the teacher wants a collective pool of supplies for kids to draw from, that's fine, but they need to make that clear to the parents."
"One of the treats I always got my kids at the start of the year was pencils imprinted with their name."
"They got to pick a design they liked, and they were printed with their name."
"I was told one year that was not acceptable because the kids would be using pencils from a large pool of them since some kids couldn't afford school supplies."
"I have no problem with that, but the art shirt I sent my kid in with for art class was one made for him by his aunt, who had embroidered it with some designs."
"He came home and told me he wasn't allowed to do art the first week because he had not brought on an art shirt."
"When I asked him what had happened to his, he said the teacher gave it to someone else, there were not enough to go around, and so he was told he didn't get to participate."
"I was very not ok with that."
"I'm fine sending in extra supplies, but it's not ok to penalize my kid who brought stuff in because someone else didn't."
"I went in after school with my sharpie, spoke with the teacher and then found his shirt and wrote his name in huge letters on the back."
"His name had already been on it on the inside on a tag, but apparently when he said it was his and the other kid said it wasn't, the teacher didn't check to see whose name was on it." - Sylphlin
Others expressed their outrage over the teacher shaming the child.
"Wait, they shamed the 8-year-old over the misunderstanding.???"
"I know that's not the point of the post, but I would be losing my cool over the teacher taking it out on the literal child." - lowbrowlassie
"NTA. That teacher is an a**hole."
"1) kids will take care of their stuff more if they choose it, so the entire plan sucks from the get-go."
"2) if there are kids who can't afford school supplies, there are almost always programs for this or a supply room."
"Counselors often have backpacks."
"If it's still a problem, she can ask for DONATIONS."
"3) shaming a CHILD over something she has 0 control over is disgusting, and she shouldn't even be allowed around children if I were you I'd try to get my child's teacher changed now in the beginning of the year." - grouchykitten1517
"That's a common practice in schools across the US."
"It uses the resources of the families who actually give a damn to help provide for the kids whose parents don't have as much money or just don't care."
"In many schools, they actually collect up all the supplies and store them until absolutely needed."
"When kids were in kindergarten, for instance, three or four students would share one organizer of supplies (one set of crayons and markers for the group of three or four), and the teacher would pull from the supply closet as supplies broke or were used up."
"In better situations, the list actually says, 'These supplies are shared amongst students. Please don't label them with your child's name.'"
"However, it was completely inappropriate of the teacher to shame your child."
"It would have been obvious that your child didn't put her name on the supplies, but that a parent did."
"If there was an issue, the teacher should have brought it up with you."
"I recommend you file a complaint with the head of the program about the way this was handled."
"If they wanted names left off, that should have been communicated."
"And no young child should be shamed for something done by their parent." - teresajs
"NTA."
"Arrange a meeting with the teacher because what she did was wrong."
"Lilly bought and labeled nothing."
"Teacher should have called you if she had a problem." - MyLadyBits
It seems like, at the very least, OP needs to have a conversation with the teacher about the way her daughter was treated.
Hopefully it will raise awareness, and in the future, supply lists will communicate that items will be distributed amongst all students.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp