It takes very little for a child, or anyone for that matter, to think their parents prefer or prioritize their siblings to them.
No matter how old they get.
Most of the time, this is just in their heads, and their parents were not pointedly playing favorites with their siblings.
On the flip side, blatant favoritism is hard to ignore, and very easy to notice.
Ever since his widowed father remarried, Redditor Big_Swan_5867 always felt that his father always prioritized his younger stepsister over him.
This became even more abundantly apparent to the original poster (OP), when his father chose to attend an event his stepdaughter was participating in, over a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence for the OP.
While his father said he'd "make it up" to him, the OP made it abundantly clear that this wasn't remotely possible.
Wondering if he was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my dad there will be no making up for missing my high school graduation?"
The OP explained how his father's recent actions may have put an effective end to their relationship:
"I'm (18 M[ale]) graduating high school at the end of this month."
"My dad dropped the bomb on me two nights ago that his stepdaughter (14 F[emale]) has an award ceremony for some competition she entered and won in another state on that same day and that she really wants him to be there."
"He told me he couldn't possibly make it to both and since his wife and their children together will be going, he needs to be there too."
"He told me he would make it up to me and we could celebrate another time."
"I still live with him (not for much longer)."
"My mom died when I was 7 and my dad got married again when I was 11 or 12."
"It's been a few years anyway."
"His stepdaughter never knew her bio dad, so my dad has accepted her as his own."
"And he has prioritized her a lot in the last 5/6 years."
"It doesn't always show in the most obvious ways but it can be felt."
"Father/son time was put on an indefinite hiatus and instead dad told me we needed to include her in our time together but he also spent time with just her for father/daughter time."
"I brought it up to my dad and he told me I wasn't exactly making an effort to be closer to her so he wanted us all to bond and didn't want me to just focus on my relationship with him."
"He has attended her dance things instead of my basketball games if they're on at the same time."
"It doesn't matter if mine was known about first, he will still skip my stuff to go to hers."
"He will take us on family days and whenever he and his wife say 'kids can choose' he picks her choices over mine."
"He claims it's because they will be the most fun for everyone but really, he even says it afterward, anything his little princess wants."
"Our refrigerator and our shower broke at the same time."
"His stepdaughter's birthday was coming up so he took money from my birthday fund to pay for that stuff and so his stepdaughter would definitely get what she wanted (this barbie house thing and a whole fashion set and they were I think dad said $250)."
"He didn't get all the money back by the time my birthday came around so instead he bought me a $30 gift card for Steam when he had promised me a new monitor and keyboard for my computer (that was a gift from my grandparents)."
"When my dad told me he wouldn't be at my graduation to go and support her, I told him there is no making up for that and he can forget about being included in my life going forward."
"He told me he would make it up to me and I told him I will always come second to his little princess and I'm not going to be okay with that."
"I told him he's discarded me for the last time."
"Dad begged me to be reasonable but I walked away."
"Then I invited both sets of grandparents who agreed to come."
"His wife told me I could have come with them and I don't need to attend the ceremony but could support 'my sister'."
"I said her daughter's not my sister and I do not want to support their family anymore and I will be out of their hair soon."
"She called me selfish and told me I can't deny her daughter a dad."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for giving his father an ultimatum for skipping his graduation.
Everyone agreed that the OP was absolutely valid and correct in claiming his father always played favorites with his stepsister, with several shocked that his stepmother had the gall to beg him not to "deny her daughter a father", when he'd clearly been deprived of both of his parents.
"I hope you pointed out to your father that while trying to make up for his step daughter having a loser father that he has indeed become a loser to his own child, how ironic."
"NTA."- Rainbowbright31
"NTA."
"Your father's wife felt your best option was to miss your own graduation to support her child."
"That's the way to make you feel included in a family."
"This is sarcasm by the way."
"Two children, two events, two parents- that is one parent per event."
"There may be a reason for your Dad to go to other event if say wife scared to drive."
"But then she should be supporting you if ahead bothered to build that relationship."
"You're right."
"Your Dad has too much to make up for and no history of doing it."
"Ask your Dad's wife why it is OK to deny you any parent at all so her daughter can have two."-Timely_Egg_6827
"NTA."
"'Can't deny her daughter a dad'."
"What about you?"
"You lost your dad too."- servnc*ntt
"NTA."
"'I told him he's discarded me for the last time'."
"That's the key point here: it's not just about this one incident'."
"'His wife told me I could have come with them and I don't need to attend the ceremony'."
"The same applies to her child."
"They could have come with you."
"'She called me selfish and told me I can't deny her daughter a dad'."
"She and her daughter have deprived you of one."- diminishingpatience
"Wow what a horrible way to keep showing you you don't matter to them."
"Totally NTA."
"And congrats on the freedom that awaits you."
"I'm impressed by your clarity of thinking took me much longer to get that level of understanding."
"If not done already get your plans started or refined further."
"The shame they are hiding may cause some additional grief and manipulation."
"You got this, good luck."
"Life is very sweet without constant disappointment."- fishfountain
"Oh God, I felt this in my soul and it reminded me of my own childhood."
"NTA."
"It's his job to be there for you."
"It's his job to be your dad and I'm so f*cking sorry he's failing at that and doubling down when it's pointed out."
"IDK if you need to hear this but don't ever let yourself feel guilty for going NC after this, if you decide to."
"He decided you weren't worth his time as a child, so you've decided that he's not worth your time now."
"That's valid."- TheBerrybuzz
"NTA."
"It's great he accepted bis step daughter has his own."
"But he shouldn't forget his existing kid for it."
"Great that your grandparents will attend!"
"And good, you communicated your feelings clearly to your father."
"He needs to know the consequences of his behavior."- NixKlappt-Reddit
"Massive NTA."
"Besides the fact that that's his step daughter, high school graduation trumps essentially all childhood activities in priority of attendance by parents."- ConfidentSun9592
"I agree with you."
"There is no coming back from this."
"What other milestones does your father plan on missing for you?"
"Wedding?"
"Grandchildren?"
"It's better to cut your losses as soon as you're able to and move on to avoid other disappointing moments down the road."
"You are wise to catch this now instead of pushing it down."
"HS graduation can also be your liberation party."
"NTA."- VictoryShaft
Children want their parents present at all their major events, which sometimes simply isn't possible.
However, as many pointed out, the OP's father could have missed out on one, of presumably many, of his stepdaughter's dance competitions to see his firstborn graduate from high school.
Particularly as the OP's stepdaughter would still have a significant amount of family in attendance.
And perhaps the disappointment the OP's stepsister would inevitably feel knowing the OP's father was not at her dance competition will allow her to see how the OP has felt ever since his father married her mother.
One can only hope the OP's father changes his mind and attends the graduation, and won't learn what a huge mistake he made owing to his son wanting nothing to do with him anymore.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp