Dealing with half-siblings isn't always easy.
And blending families doesn't always go well.
Not everybody wants a relationship with a blood relative, so that can cause a lot of hurt feelings.
This can be especially trying for kids and teens.
And if the adults involved aren't getting along, the drama can be endless.
Redditor Careful_Will_7767 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for requesting that my teacher not partner me with my deadbeat father's daughter?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My father walked out on my mom when she was pregnant with me (16 M[ale])."
"They were married for like 5 years at that point, but he was cheating a lot."
"Mom trying to divorce him went through hell because he'd picked up and moved."
"He never met me."
"He didn't show up at court for their divorce, or for custody, or for child support."
"He went to jail three times for failure to pay child support and for trying to avoid child support by quitting his jobs and not declaring his new place of employment."
"I still haven't even met him."
"But around a year ago he moved back with his family (the affair partner and their kids)."
"He has a daughter 5 months younger than me a son about a year and a half younger and some other kids who are younger again but I don't know their ages."
"I only know the older two ages because of school and sharing some classes with his daughter."
"She has tried to connect with me but I told her I wasn't interested, we're not family, I don't want to know the affair family."
"Even though she was upset and cried a little in front of me, she didn't give up."
"And when we returned to our classes in August, she was suddenly in four of mine instead of one like last year."
"So I went to our teacher who assigned a lot of group stuff and asked her never to pair me with her."
"I explained the reason why, and she was surprised but agreed that it would be for the best to avoid hostility during the project especially if others were working with us."
"Twice she has tried to claim me as a partner or make me a part of her group."
"The first time as her solo partner and the second time in a bigger group."
"Both times, our teacher refused."
"This made her realize what I'd done."
"She told her parents, they went to the principal and demanded a meeting with me and my mom."
"Mom went but left me out of it. She explained why to the principal and told him she didn't think the first time I met my 'father' should be when he wanted to berate me for not working with his daughter."
"They tried to say I was bullying their daughter, and I should be facing suspension OR be forced to make it up to her through some kind of buddy program."
"The principal didn't take it seriously."
"But his daughter and son now stare at me a lot more in school the last couple of weeks since the meeting, and a couple of her friends said I was such a d**k for embarrassing her like that and not getting to know her."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Be polite (like extremely polite, no ma'am, I do not wish to engage in conversation with you. Have a wonderful day, excuse me, walk away politely) when they talk to you so you don't get accused of bullying, but don't need to be friends."
"If your father wants you to have a relationship with his family, then he needs to have a relationship with you first."
"As far as their staring and her friends telling you that you were a d*ck that is bullying."
"Tell a trusted teacher about the incidents and say you just want to let them know it is happening. There is no need to interfere. It might blow over, but if they escalate, then you have already noted to a teacher you were uncomfortable with them beforehand." ~ Mysterious_Agent7737
"You're 16."
"As a very old bloke, I can tell you that learning to accept that we can only control ourselves and not others will make life a lot better for us."
"Why do we care about the opinions of people that don't matter?"
"Are her friends your friends? No?"
"Then sod them."
"If they are then they were never your friends to begin with."
"Accept yourself and ignore the opinions of irrelevant people." ~ szu
"Please make sure to really thank this teacher for helping to protect you!"
"Teachers don't get paid enough to take such measures and oftentimes burn out, so make sure you also let this teacher know you appreciate their help and understanding!" ~ Davinaaa28
"Legitimately, the case is stronger for her bullying you than the opposite."
"She's trying to bully you into being friends."
"You are allowed to choose your friends, even at school."
"Be polite but firm is absolutely the best advice." ~ believehype1616
"NTA. I would, in front of the teacher who knows what's going on, tell this girl, I don't want to know you or your siblings. We will never have a relationship. You need to stop and tell your friends to stop."
"This is the last time I wish to speak to you as well." ~ Pepsilover12
"Don't know where you are from, but does your school not have a policy of separating siblings into different classes?"
"My brother failed grade one, so we were always in the same grade."
"People thought we were twins."
"We were never put in the same class."
"That way, there was no fighting."
"Now that they know of your situation, maybe they will do this next year." ~ Historical-Goal-3786
"NTA - the girl's parents handled this horribly."
"It was her dad's job to explain why there is animosity and take the blame for the root issue." ~ BarracudaUpstairs
"Look her in the face and tell her that you'd be better off as unrelated strangers because the blood you share is exactly what you hate."
"She's not responsible, no, but she's not your sister, and the more she presses, the more you'll hate her directly instead of your sperm donor." ~ boxesofboxes
"You don't have to do anything."
"We're all related to each other somehow. That doesn't mean every stranger you meet as you walk down the street has to be your friend."
"Quite honestly, their desire to force themselves on you is... weird."
"A concerning sort of weird."
"NTA, obviously, but keep doing things to keep yourself safe." ~ yankdevil
"NTA. If you wanted to have a relationship with her, you likely would be reaching out."
"Do you know why she's trying so hard to have one with you?"
"I would do as someone else suggested and make it clear to her (in front of a trusted adult) that you will not have a relationship with her at all and to stop all of this nonsense." ~ Specialist_Cattle455
"As a teenager - like you are - she might not be mature enough to grasp the pain that's associated with her existence."
"It certainly isn't her fault, and I think you understand that."
"But not blaming her for being conceived doesn't mean that you have to embrace her as a long-lost sister."
"As long as you aren't spreading rumors and gossiping about her, tripping her in the halls, trying to get everyone else at school to hate her, or something like that, you aren't doing anything wrong."
"You have every right to distance yourself from a person who is damaging to your mental health."
"It sounds like she's lonely and desperate for connection."
"Her life might not be as nice as she tries to make it look to the world."
"But you're a teenager too, it's not your job to sacrifice yourself for her."
"Be polite, but firm in your continued avoidance of her."
"Don't engage if you can't help it, and continue to keep your trusted teacher in the loop."
"If things get more intense, it may be worth asking an adult you trust to help you look into options for separating the two of you."
"If you're seeing your learning slip because of the distraction, talk to your teacher before you let it hurt your education. NTA." ~ LacyKnits
"NTA ...you've never even met her dad, but now she wants to be all buddy-buddy with you because of your supposed 'connection' through him? No way."
"She's young but she needs to learn boundaries and how to respect when people say no."
"Sidenote: Not Gonna Lie I think I'd have loved to see the principal's face when your mum said 'I don't think the first time my 16-year-old son meets his bio-dad is because bio-dad has called him to the principal's office over a conflict with his other teen kid.'" 😂 ~ perpetuallyxhausted
"NTA, but if you know where the loser is now, why isn't your mother pursuing the money she is owed?" ~ Brother-Cane
"It's absurd to claim you're bullying someone when you've gone out of your way to make arrangements so you have no contact with her."
"Ignoring her is the complete opposite of bullying, and if anything, she's harassing you, by constantly pushing the issue."
"You're definitely NTA."
"I feel you did the mature and appropriate thing by addressing this privately with your teacher, rather than making a scene in front of her or the whole class."
"Her inability to accept 'NO' as an answer is her problem and you are under no obligation to get to know her or accept her." ~ MeMyselfAndI8480
"NTA - It is entirely your choice who you allow into your life, especially when the past history is what it is."
"Of course, it could be great to have a relationship with half-siblings, but given the circumstances, I completely understand your disposition."
"Good to hear your school is understanding of where you are coming from, and good on you for standing up for and advocating for your right to choose." ~ Only_Caterpillar6412
"NTA... and I would actually consider it harassment."
"You don't owe her anything."
"Speak with your mom, the principal, and the teachers about her attitude and what she's doing because you might look like the villain to everyone around you just because she's not getting her way."
"Blood isn't everything if you don't want a relationship with any of them then don't have one."
"Maybe do talk to her directly and tell her you want nothing to do with her, and if she and your dad want to have a relationship with you, they need to back off."
"But I feel that bridge is burned as she basically went to the Principal just because she didn't get her way, either way, she sounds spoiled and terrible like your father."
"Please consider going to therapy and I wish you the best." ~ Mrs_Totaro13
"NTA. You told everyone in this situation NO repetitively!"
"The only people who listened were your mom, teacher, and principal."
"Your sperm donor is trying to push his daughter onto you and that's weird."
"If they don't stop, I would ask to switch around classes or see about possibly being able to leave class 2-3 minutes earlier to avoid seeing them, etc."
"Your mom is a freaking rockstar and so are you! "
"You're keeping calm and rational when most people wouldn't!"
"This is not your circus and it's not your monkeys." ~ Recent-Necessary-362
"NTA. Please ask your mother for help (school admin tends to listen more seriously to parents) to demand/ask that you are not assigned to classes with sperm donor's children."
"Otherwise they will attempt to finagle into more of your classes."
"Getting into 4 of your classes was not an accident."
"Bottom line, you don't have to get to know, be a buddy, forced into friendship with anyone that makes you uncomfortable." ~ PleaseCoffeeMe
"NTA, happy your mom stuck up for you."
"Your dad and his new family can go kick rocks with open-toed sandals. If they do this, you owe them your time and care." ~ Secret_Double_9239
"NTA. It's easy for the child with the 'perfect' family to want to be the one to connect."
"I'm sorry you are going through this." ~ procrastinating_b
Reddit understands your feelings loud and clearly, OP.
This is a situation your Dad should be fixing.
It is unfair that you have to shoulder this burden.
Maybe you could talk to the school counselor and see if they can explain it to your siblings.
Stay strong, and good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp