Content Warning: Abuse and Controlling Behavior, Sexist Comments
For a relationship to work, each person must understand the importance of communicating with their partner and compromising when they want different things.
One person cannot suddenly start trying to control their partner's behaviors and decisions without consequences, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor just_survivesomehow just wanted to go to the nail salon and get her nails painted white, and she was shocked when her boyfriend had very strong opinions about what the color white meant.
When she decided to get her nails painted white anyway, the Original Poster (OP) was even more shocked by how her boyfriend reacted to the reveal.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for going against my boyfriend's wishes?"
The OP had a conversation with her boyfriend that she didn't see coming.
"I (18 Female) have a boyfriend (18 Male) who almost broke up with me for painting my nails white."
"Well, he actually did break up with me but came by a day later begging for me back so we're back together now."
"I'm curious to know what people think of the situation I'm about to describe."
"So, for context, my boyfriend is very serious about what I wear and how I present myself. He doesn't like it when I wear anything revealing and such, so I've been obliging to that as I don't really dress that way anyway."
"I mentioned to him a few weeks ago that I wanted to get my nails done, and I said I wanted the color white. I just like the color and how it looks on me, nothing more than that."
"But he was vehemently against it. He said that 'white nails were for sl*ts and they mean a woman is single.'"
"I had never heard of this and I was pretty dead set on that color."
The OP decided to still get the white nails.
"Fast forward to my nail appointment, I got white nails, not because he didn't want me to, but because I had really been wanting white nails, and I thought it was ridiculous to assume that white nails were 'for sl*ts.'"
"When he found out, he was furious. He essentially said that I didn't respect him or his boundaries and he couldn't understand why I didn't pick another color."
The OP was shocked by her boyfriend's reaction.
"I tried explaining that I don't think he should dictate what color I paint my nails and that the nail color theory he has constructed is only in his mind. I said that I simply just really wanted white nails because I thought they were pretty."
"So yeah, he basically broke up with me for a night. Am I an a**hole for this? Should I have just painted them a different color?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to run as fast as she could for her controlling boyfriend.
"Coming from a conservative mom, you need to get rid of him as soon as possible. He can't dictate to you what should wear or do. You are your own person and no one can tell you what to do." - No_Mammoth_1724
"NTA. Ruuuuuunnnn!!" - Little_Kitchen8313
"Dump that walking red flag." - Tight_Post6407
"NTA, but break up, and don't take him back. He's dangerous. White nail polish meaning all of that is WILD." - jrpapaya
"That's a narcissist in the making. You should run. NTA." - Pink_Spirit_Anml_386
"You're not an AH for painting your nails white, but you would be a dumba** for taking the loser back." - Ornery-Rope-4261
Others agreed and stated that the ex-boyfriend's behavior would only escalate.
"If he's going to behave like a raging lunatic over nail polish, you should consider it a warning sign of future escalation. You don't have to dress for anyone but yourself. If you feel like jeans and a hoodie, that's wonderful. If you feel like a skirt and sassy top, that's cool too."
"No one, NO ONE, gets to tell you how to present yourself to the world. You certainly don't need to listen to some wanna-be alpha man-child who loses his sh*t over the color you choose for your nails. This is pre-abuse type behavior. Everyone here has warned you of this person."
"No man owns you. You owe nothing to anyone just because they have a penis. A penis doesn't give him power over you. He's not even a little bit special."
"There are a**hole men every place you go, a dime a dozen. YOU have plenty of power all by yourself. Drop him and go learn what it means to be treated with respect, because this clown doesn't know how." - StacyB125
"HIS boundaries? Your nails don't affect him in any way. You need to be concerned with your boundaries related to his controlling behavior."
"Don't tie yourself to this person. They don't improve with age." - Mysterious_Emu8820
"This has unlocked a different level of control and craziness. I'm dumbfounded that anyone would think white nails mean the person wearing them is a sl*t. What is this nonsense?!" - ExpansiveOutlook
"Sweetheart, you are TOO YOUNG to subject yourself to this type of relationship. I promise you it will get worse. Today your nails, tomorrow he'll tell you your shoes are wrong or you are forbidden to wear the color red."
"Next week, he'll wonder why you chose a checkout line with a male clerk, and did you smile at him a little too much?"
"Take it from all the women on here, there is only a miserable future in this relationship. Take this guy as your 'learning experience' so you'll recognize this type in the future." - Dry_Self_1736
"NTA. This is early-stage abusive behavior. You wouldn't yield to his wishes, so he dumped you to punish you, and when that didn't work to make you obedient, he pretended he was sorry and came back."
"Also, he sounds like an id**t. In the Western world, white is almost always associated with purity, virtue, and virginity, while red is considered the 'sl*tty' color, which also isn't true." - CrystalQueer96
"From this internet mom, who is old enough to be your mom, take this grandma's advice! You've already started standing up for yourself by painting your nails white anyway, good job! I'm proud of you for that."
"More importantly, you should be proud of yourself for that!! At your age, that's not an easy thing to do."
"Also, always remember you're teaching people how to treat you by what you let them get away with!! He learned two lessons in this: you're going to do what you want, and you're going to allow him to throw a temper tantrum and treat you horribly for making your own choices."
"You teach him you allow him to treat you this way more and more every time you take him back, or question if he's right, or do what he wants to 'keep the peace.' Stop! Teach people it's NOT okay to treat you this way, but not letting him anymore."
"You do that by breaking up with him and keeping it that way for good. Do not go back. Break up, then follow the above advice from your new internet grandma." - Mother-Efficiency391
"If you stay with this guy, you don't respect yourself. I've dated someone like this, and it will definitely get worse. It's about control, and he will make tons of excuses to explain why he thinks the way he does or why he's 'right' (because he definitely thinks he is), but the bottom line is that he isn't right and it's a huge issue that he refuses to see any perspective other than his own."
"He wants to own and control you and he will twist everything you ever do and say as being disrespectful to him in some way, when the reality is that he is only ever disrespectful to you. He only wants you to be the exact way he wants you to be, and you don't need that s**t. Get away from him as soon as possible!" - deathbystereo007
"If he thinks it's okay to break up with you over NAIL COLOR, he is delulu (delusional). No, he's not being protective because he cares about you. He's being controlling because he is testing his boundaries to see what he can get away with."
"And I'm sorry to say, you failed that test. Because now he knows he can be an a** and you'll take him back. What you do with your body has nothing to do with his boundaries; he's p**sed you didn't do what he said."
"Leave him NOW, unless you want to be an automaton with no personality other than what he dictates for you. Because I promise, his demands WILL get worse." - HailToTheQuinn
"OP! Try to shake yourself awake because you are living in a nightmare. You are both 18, yet he feels he has the right to tell you what to do, how to act, how to dress, and he has bizarre notions about nail polish color and possibly many, many other things that have to do with you and your body, but none for him, I bet!"
"You are obviously NTA for having your nails painted white (and have I got news for him; women can wear any color nail polish they would like and it doesn't mean anything), But you are the a**hole to yourself for immediately getting back with this controlling immature non-man."
"In case you have never been exposed to this kind of a relationship, let this Internet grandma fill you in… it gets worse. He will control more and more of your life, and your world will shrink until the only room it has is for him. You will lose your friends, your family, your safety, your peace, your pets, your hobbies, your body autonomy, and your sanity."
"If he doesn't think that the emotional/verbal abuse is keeping him happy anymore, please know it can easily change to abuse. Please get out while you can, OP, and try to learn as much as you can about red flags and controlling behavior."
"Please also learn about the cycle of abuse. Looks like he has already started that. And I'll bet he's been gaslighting you too. Please see yourself as a worthwhile and kind person which it sounds like you are. I wish you well. NTA. NTA. NTA." - You_are_MrDebby
"NTA. It's literally a color on your nails and temporary. To me, he sounds mega-controlling and trying to play the victim over something so tiny. You got them white for you and your happiness, not to appease him."
"He clearly doesn't value you in his life or want to see you happy, but there is someone out there who will." - karahbonara
The subReddit urged the OP to run in the opposite direction and never look back at that relationship, except to remember what not to accept from a partner.
It was clear to the subReddit that the boyfriend wasn't interested in a girlfriend so much as he was interested in someone he could control. It was clear the OP deserved better, but she needed to walk away from this relationship first.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.