Content Warning: Abuse and Controlling Behavior, Sexist Comments
For a relationship to work, each person must understand the importance of communicating with their partner and compromising when they want different things.
One person cannot suddenly start trying to control their partner’s behaviors and decisions without consequences, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor just_survivesomehow just wanted to go to the nail salon and get her nails painted white, and she was shocked when her boyfriend had very strong opinions about what the color white meant.
When she decided to get her nails painted white anyway, the Original Poster (OP) was even more shocked by how her boyfriend reacted to the reveal.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for going against my boyfriend’s wishes?”
The OP had a conversation with her boyfriend that she didn’t see coming.
“I (18 Female) have a boyfriend (18 Male) who almost broke up with me for painting my nails white.”
“Well, he actually did break up with me but came by a day later begging for me back so we’re back together now.”
“I’m curious to know what people think of the situation I’m about to describe.”
“So, for context, my boyfriend is very serious about what I wear and how I present myself. He doesn’t like it when I wear anything revealing and such, so I’ve been obliging to that as I don’t really dress that way anyway.”
“I mentioned to him a few weeks ago that I wanted to get my nails done, and I said I wanted the color white. I just like the color and how it looks on me, nothing more than that.”
“But he was vehemently against it. He said that ‘white nails were for sl*ts and they mean a woman is single.'”
“I had never heard of this and I was pretty dead set on that color.”
The OP decided to still get the white nails.
“Fast forward to my nail appointment, I got white nails, not because he didn’t want me to, but because I had really been wanting white nails, and I thought it was ridiculous to assume that white nails were ‘for sl*ts.'”
“When he found out, he was furious. He essentially said that I didn’t respect him or his boundaries and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t pick another color.”
The OP was shocked by her boyfriend’s reaction.
“I tried explaining that I don’t think he should dictate what color I paint my nails and that the nail color theory he has constructed is only in his mind. I said that I simply just really wanted white nails because I thought they were pretty.”
“So yeah, he basically broke up with me for a night. Am I an a**hole for this? Should I have just painted them a different color?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to run as fast as she could for her controlling boyfriend.
“Coming from a conservative mom, you need to get rid of him as soon as possible. He can’t dictate to you what should wear or do. You are your own person and no one can tell you what to do.” – No_Mammoth_1724
“NTA. Ruuuuuunnnn!!” – Little_Kitchen8313
“Dump that walking red flag.” – Tight_Post6407
“NTA, but break up, and don’t take him back. He’s dangerous. White nail polish meaning all of that is WILD.” – jrpapaya
“That’s a narcissist in the making. You should run. NTA.” – Pink_Spirit_Anml_386
“You’re not an AH for painting your nails white, but you would be a dumba** for taking the loser back.” – Ornery-Rope-4261
Others agreed and stated that the ex-boyfriend’s behavior would only escalate.
“If he’s going to behave like a raging lunatic over nail polish, you should consider it a warning sign of future escalation. You don’t have to dress for anyone but yourself. If you feel like jeans and a hoodie, that’s wonderful. If you feel like a skirt and sassy top, that’s cool too.”
“No one, NO ONE, gets to tell you how to present yourself to the world. You certainly don’t need to listen to some wanna-be alpha man-child who loses his sh*t over the color you choose for your nails. This is pre-abuse type behavior. Everyone here has warned you of this person.”
“No man owns you. You owe nothing to anyone just because they have a penis. A penis doesn’t give him power over you. He’s not even a little bit special.”
“There are a**hole men every place you go, a dime a dozen. YOU have plenty of power all by yourself. Drop him and go learn what it means to be treated with respect, because this clown doesn’t know how.” – StacyB125
“HIS boundaries? Your nails don’t affect him in any way. You need to be concerned with your boundaries related to his controlling behavior.”
“Don’t tie yourself to this person. They don’t improve with age.” – Mysterious_Emu8820
“This has unlocked a different level of control and craziness. I’m dumbfounded that anyone would think white nails mean the person wearing them is a sl*t. What is this nonsense?!” – ExpansiveOutlook
“Sweetheart, you are TOO YOUNG to subject yourself to this type of relationship. I promise you it will get worse. Today your nails, tomorrow he’ll tell you your shoes are wrong or you are forbidden to wear the color red.”
“Next week, he’ll wonder why you chose a checkout line with a male clerk, and did you smile at him a little too much?”
“Take it from all the women on here, there is only a miserable future in this relationship. Take this guy as your ‘learning experience’ so you’ll recognize this type in the future.” – Dry_Self_1736
“NTA. This is early-stage abusive behavior. You wouldn’t yield to his wishes, so he dumped you to punish you, and when that didn’t work to make you obedient, he pretended he was sorry and came back.”
“Also, he sounds like an id**t. In the Western world, white is almost always associated with purity, virtue, and virginity, while red is considered the ‘sl*tty’ color, which also isn’t true.” – CrystalQueer96
“From this internet mom, who is old enough to be your mom, take this grandma’s advice! You’ve already started standing up for yourself by painting your nails white anyway, good job! I’m proud of you for that.”
“More importantly, you should be proud of yourself for that!! At your age, that’s not an easy thing to do.”
“Also, always remember you’re teaching people how to treat you by what you let them get away with!! He learned two lessons in this: you’re going to do what you want, and you’re going to allow him to throw a temper tantrum and treat you horribly for making your own choices.”
“You teach him you allow him to treat you this way more and more every time you take him back, or question if he’s right, or do what he wants to ‘keep the peace.’ Stop! Teach people it’s NOT okay to treat you this way, but not letting him anymore.”
“You do that by breaking up with him and keeping it that way for good. Do not go back. Break up, then follow the above advice from your new internet grandma.” – Mother-Efficiency391
“If you stay with this guy, you don’t respect yourself. I’ve dated someone like this, and it will definitely get worse. It’s about control, and he will make tons of excuses to explain why he thinks the way he does or why he’s ‘right’ (because he definitely thinks he is), but the bottom line is that he isn’t right and it’s a huge issue that he refuses to see any perspective other than his own.”
“He wants to own and control you and he will twist everything you ever do and say as being disrespectful to him in some way, when the reality is that he is only ever disrespectful to you. He only wants you to be the exact way he wants you to be, and you don’t need that s**t. Get away from him as soon as possible!” – deathbystereo007
“If he thinks it’s okay to break up with you over NAIL COLOR, he is delulu (delusional). No, he’s not being protective because he cares about you. He’s being controlling because he is testing his boundaries to see what he can get away with.”
“And I’m sorry to say, you failed that test. Because now he knows he can be an a** and you’ll take him back. What you do with your body has nothing to do with his boundaries; he’s p**sed you didn’t do what he said.”
“Leave him NOW, unless you want to be an automaton with no personality other than what he dictates for you. Because I promise, his demands WILL get worse.” – HailToTheQuinn
“OP! Try to shake yourself awake because you are living in a nightmare. You are both 18, yet he feels he has the right to tell you what to do, how to act, how to dress, and he has bizarre notions about nail polish color and possibly many, many other things that have to do with you and your body, but none for him, I bet!”
“You are obviously NTA for having your nails painted white (and have I got news for him; women can wear any color nail polish they would like and it doesn’t mean anything), But you are the a**hole to yourself for immediately getting back with this controlling immature non-man.”
“In case you have never been exposed to this kind of a relationship, let this Internet grandma fill you in… it gets worse. He will control more and more of your life, and your world will shrink until the only room it has is for him. You will lose your friends, your family, your safety, your peace, your pets, your hobbies, your body autonomy, and your sanity.”
“If he doesn’t think that the emotional/verbal abuse is keeping him happy anymore, please know it can easily change to abuse. Please get out while you can, OP, and try to learn as much as you can about red flags and controlling behavior.”
“Please also learn about the cycle of abuse. Looks like he has already started that. And I’ll bet he’s been gaslighting you too. Please see yourself as a worthwhile and kind person which it sounds like you are. I wish you well. NTA. NTA. NTA.” – You_are_MrDebby
“NTA. It’s literally a color on your nails and temporary. To me, he sounds mega-controlling and trying to play the victim over something so tiny. You got them white for you and your happiness, not to appease him.”
“He clearly doesn’t value you in his life or want to see you happy, but there is someone out there who will.” – karahbonara
The subReddit urged the OP to run in the opposite direction and never look back at that relationship, except to remember what not to accept from a partner.
It was clear to the subReddit that the boyfriend wasn’t interested in a girlfriend so much as he was interested in someone he could control. It was clear the OP deserved better, but she needed to walk away from this relationship first.