Content Warning: Abuse and Controlling Behavior, Sexist Comments
For a relationship to work, each person must understand the importance of communicating with their partner and compromising when they want different things.
One person cannot suddenly start trying to control their partner's behaviors and decisions without consequences, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor just_survivesomehow just wanted to go to the nail salon and get her nails painted white, and she was shocked when her boyfriend had very strong opinions about what the color white meant.
When she decided to get her nails painted white anyway, the Original Poster (OP) was even more shocked by how her boyfriend reacted to the reveal.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for going against my boyfriend's wishes?"
The OP had a conversation with her boyfriend that she didn't see coming.
"I (18 Female) have a boyfriend (18 Male) who almost broke up with me for painting my nails white."
"Well, he actually did break up with me but came by a day later begging for me back so we're back together now."
"I'm curious to know what people think of the situation I'm about to describe."
"So, for context, my boyfriend is very serious about what I wear and how I present myself. He doesn't like it when I wear anything revealing and such, so I've been obliging to that as I don't really dress that way anyway."
"I mentioned to him a few weeks ago that I wanted to get my nails done, and I said I wanted the color white. I just like the color and how it looks on me, nothing more than that."
"But he was vehemently against it. He said that 'white nails were for sl*ts and they mean a woman is single.'"
"I had never heard of this and I was pretty dead set on that color."
The OP decided to still get the white nails.
"Fast forward to my nail appointment, I got white nails, not because he didn't want me to, but because I had really been wanting white nails, and I thought it was ridiculous to assume that white nails were 'for sl*ts.'"
"When he found out, he was furious. He essentially said that I didn't respect him or his boundaries and he couldn't understand why I didn't pick another color."
The OP was shocked by her boyfriend's reaction.
"I tried explaining that I don't think he should dictate what color I paint my nails and that the nail color theory he has constructed is only in his mind. I said that I simply just really wanted white nails because I thought they were pretty."
"So yeah, he basically broke up with me for a night. Am I an a**hole for this? Should I have just painted them a different color?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to run as fast as she could for her controlling boyfriend.
"Coming from a conservative mom, you need to get rid of him as soon as possible. He can't dictate to you what should wear or do. You are your own person and no one can tell you what to do." - No_Mammoth_1724
"NTA. Ruuuuuunnnn!!" - Little_Kitchen8313
"Dump that walking red flag." - Tight_Post6407
"NTA, but break up, and don't take him back. He's dangerous. White nail polish meaning all of that is WILD." - jrpapaya
"That's a narcissist in the making. You should run. NTA." - Pink_Spirit_Anml_386
"You're not an AH for painting your nails white, but you would be a dumba** for taking the loser back." - Ornery-Rope-4261
Others agreed and stated that the ex-boyfriend's behavior would only escalate.
"If he's going to behave like a raging lunatic over nail polish, you should consider it a warning sign of future escalation. You don't have to dress for anyone but yourself. If you feel like jeans and a hoodie, that's wonderful. If you feel like a skirt and sassy top, that's cool too."
"No one, NO ONE, gets to tell you how to present yourself to the world. You certainly don't need to listen to some wanna-be alpha man-child who loses his sh*t over the color you choose for your nails. This is pre-abuse type behavior. Everyone here has warned you of this person."
"No man owns you. You owe nothing to anyone just because they have a penis. A penis doesn't give him power over you. He's not even a little bit special."
"There are a**hole men every place you go, a dime a dozen. YOU have plenty of power all by yourself. Drop him and go learn what it means to be treated with respect, because this clown doesn't know how." - StacyB125
"HIS boundaries? Your nails don't affect him in any way. You need to be concerned with your boundaries related to his controlling behavior."
"Don't tie yourself to this person. They don't improve with age." - Mysterious_Emu8820
"This has unlocked a different level of control and craziness. I'm dumbfounded that anyone would think white nails mean the person wearing them is a sl*t. What is this nonsense?!" - ExpansiveOutlook
"Sweetheart, you are TOO YOUNG to subject yourself to this type of relationship. I promise you it will get worse. Today your nails, tomorrow he'll tell you your shoes are wrong or you are forbidden to wear the color red."
"Next week, he'll wonder why you chose a checkout line with a male clerk, and did you smile at him a little too much?"
"Take it from all the women on here, there is only a miserable future in this relationship. Take this guy as your 'learning experience' so you'll recognize this type in the future." - Dry_Self_1736
"NTA. This is early-stage abusive behavior. You wouldn't yield to his wishes, so he dumped you to punish you, and when that didn't work to make you obedient, he pretended he was sorry and came back."
"Also, he sounds like an id**t. In the Western world, white is almost always associated with purity, virtue, and virginity, while red is considered the 'sl*tty' color, which also isn't true." - CrystalQueer96
"From this internet mom, who is old enough to be your mom, take this grandma's advice! You've already started standing up for yourself by painting your nails white anyway, good job! I'm proud of you for that."
"More importantly, you should be proud of yourself for that!! At your age, that's not an easy thing to do."
"Also, always remember you're teaching people how to treat you by what you let them get away with!! He learned two lessons in this: you're going to do what you want, and you're going to allow him to throw a temper tantrum and treat you horribly for making your own choices."
"You teach him you allow him to treat you this way more and more every time you take him back, or question if he's right, or do what he wants to 'keep the peace.' Stop! Teach people it's NOT okay to treat you this way, but not letting him anymore."
"You do that by breaking up with him and keeping it that way for good. Do not go back. Break up, then follow the above advice from your new internet grandma." - Mother-Efficiency391
"If you stay with this guy, you don't respect yourself. I've dated someone like this, and it will definitely get worse. It's about control, and he will make tons of excuses to explain why he thinks the way he does or why he's 'right' (because he definitely thinks he is), but the bottom line is that he isn't right and it's a huge issue that he refuses to see any perspective other than his own."
"He wants to own and control you and he will twist everything you ever do and say as being disrespectful to him in some way, when the reality is that he is only ever disrespectful to you. He only wants you to be the exact way he wants you to be, and you don't need that s**t. Get away from him as soon as possible!" - deathbystereo007
"If he thinks it's okay to break up with you over NAIL COLOR, he is delulu (delusional). No, he's not being protective because he cares about you. He's being controlling because he is testing his boundaries to see what he can get away with."
"And I'm sorry to say, you failed that test. Because now he knows he can be an a** and you'll take him back. What you do with your body has nothing to do with his boundaries; he's p**sed you didn't do what he said."
"Leave him NOW, unless you want to be an automaton with no personality other than what he dictates for you. Because I promise, his demands WILL get worse." - HailToTheQuinn
"OP! Try to shake yourself awake because you are living in a nightmare. You are both 18, yet he feels he has the right to tell you what to do, how to act, how to dress, and he has bizarre notions about nail polish color and possibly many, many other things that have to do with you and your body, but none for him, I bet!"
"You are obviously NTA for having your nails painted white (and have I got news for him; women can wear any color nail polish they would like and it doesn't mean anything), But you are the a**hole to yourself for immediately getting back with this controlling immature non-man."
"In case you have never been exposed to this kind of a relationship, let this Internet grandma fill you in… it gets worse. He will control more and more of your life, and your world will shrink until the only room it has is for him. You will lose your friends, your family, your safety, your peace, your pets, your hobbies, your body autonomy, and your sanity."
"If he doesn't think that the emotional/verbal abuse is keeping him happy anymore, please know it can easily change to abuse. Please get out while you can, OP, and try to learn as much as you can about red flags and controlling behavior."
"Please also learn about the cycle of abuse. Looks like he has already started that. And I'll bet he's been gaslighting you too. Please see yourself as a worthwhile and kind person which it sounds like you are. I wish you well. NTA. NTA. NTA." - You_are_MrDebby
"NTA. It's literally a color on your nails and temporary. To me, he sounds mega-controlling and trying to play the victim over something so tiny. You got them white for you and your happiness, not to appease him."
"He clearly doesn't value you in his life or want to see you happy, but there is someone out there who will." - karahbonara
The subReddit urged the OP to run in the opposite direction and never look back at that relationship, except to remember what not to accept from a partner.
It was clear to the subReddit that the boyfriend wasn't interested in a girlfriend so much as he was interested in someone he could control. It was clear the OP deserved better, but she needed to walk away from this relationship first.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone
Fake people tend to show their true colors during pivotal moments, like weddings and major celebrations.
But when they want an audience to hurt someone else, it takes total sense that they would be called out in front of everyone, as agreed by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor HollyyGinger went to their close friend's birthday party, expecting to have a good time and celebrate their loved one's special day.
But when their close friend made several mocking comments about them, and the party laughed along with them, the Original Poster (OP) took that as an indication of the state of their friendship and left the birthday party early.
They asked the sub:
The OP was excited to celebrate their close friend's birthday.
"One of my close friends had a birthday dinner last weekend, and I was genuinely excited to go."
"I helped her organize a few things beforehand, bought her a gift, and even rearranged some plans because I wanted to be there for her."
But the birthday dinner did not go at all how the OP expected.
"During dinner, though, she started making little jokes about me in front of everyone."
"At first, I laughed along because I didn't want to make things awkward on her birthday."
"But she kept going. She joked about dating life, brought up an embarrassing story I had told her privately, and made another comment about how I'm ''way too sensitive' sometimes."
"People were laughing, and I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but honestly, I felt pretty humiliated."
The OP tried to ask their friend to change the direction of the rest of the party.
"I quietly asked her when we were alone if she could stop making me the joke of the evening."
"She rolled her eyes and said I was taking everything too seriously and that everyone knew she was joking."
"I went back to the table for a while because I really didn't want to ruin her birthday."
"But then she made another joke about me, so I decided I'd had enough. I congratulated her again, said goodbye to everyone, and went home without making a scene."
The OP's friend tried to blame them for how the evening turned out.
"The next morning, she texted me, saying she was hurt that I left early and that several people noticed."
"She said that I made her feel like she had done something horrible when she was 'just having fun.' But her having fun was more of a public embarrassment to me."
"Now I feel guilty, because it was her birthday, and maybe I could have just ignored it for another hour or two."
"I wasn't trying to punish her or make the night about me. I just didn't want to sit there smiling while someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I had specifically asked her to stop."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to stay at a party where she didn't feel welcome.
"She was having fun. You were not having fun."
"You’re not overreacting. You told her it was hurting you, and she kept doing it because hurting you was entertaining for her. She is not a good friend." - Dunquinn-
"I remember when I was really little, a bunch of adults were laughing at me as I cried."
"I cried to my mom, 'Stop laughing at me,' to which she replied, 'We aren’t laughing at you; we're laughing with you,' while giggling."
"My response was something I stand by to this day: 'Then why am I the only one crying?!'"
"It’s only funny if the person who’s being teased is laughing too. You weren’t laughing. It wasn’t funny; it was cruel. NOR." - XSmartypants
"She’s a bully. It wasn’t 'more like 'it was publicly embarrassing. It WAS publicly embarrassing."
"Then she tells you that SHE is embarrassed because YOU left early. That's bulls**t."
"NOR. Drop her." - WTH_JFG
"NOR. They make jokes about someone's privacy to humiliate that person. Anyone who would use info that was shared in confidence to get a laugh is an abuser. You don't do that, especially to a close friend, without the intent to hurt that person." - BungenessKrabb
"Would it have been fun if you did the same? Start telling her darkest secrets?"
"She made you into a punchline for other people’s entertainment."
"You told her to stop, and she didn’t; now she’s the victim?"
"NOR."
"But also, some people need to feel it to believe it. I hope you go to the next gathering with a few stories of your own and don’t let her rewrite the narrative." - beached_not_broken
"I’ve had it happen by my 'best friend' at the time, only it was in a professional setting event. Very personal details only she knew, all spilled for her amusement, embarrassing me in front of colleagues."
"NOR, OP. As you did, I left the gathering earlier than expected. My 'friend' called the next day asking why I left so early. I told her what she had said and done and how humiliated I felt."
"Her 'apology' was that flippant version that shows no remorse, like, 'Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.'"
"Over the subsequent years, she managed to alienate and burn bridges with most of those same people we were gathered with."
"I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Anyone who thinks you were 'too sensitive' has no empathy and 'friends' like that don’t deserve your time." - Hungry_Tank9182
"NOR. She was being a jerk to you, and she was expecting you to just take it and not say anything or defend yourself."
"Because they think it's sooo funny to mock others, but I bet if the roles were reversed, she would be offended and upset."
"Honestly, you deserve better friends. I'm sorry you had to deal with this."
"I would've left and blocked her." - Cryslove
Others urged the OP to stop thinking about the event and let that friendship go.
"That was the point of her fun! Humiliating you with an audience!"
"Sharing something deeply personal, told in confidence? Immediate dealbreaker."
"She is not (and likely never was) your friend. Friends do not treat friends with such disrespect. Block her, and go no contact. She brings nothing good to your life, and she’s not worthy of your energy and time."
"NOR." - MizPeachyKeen
"It’s called bullying. She is not your friend. Friends don’t humiliate their true friends, or tell them 'they are too sensitive.'"
"That is what bullies do. She keeps you around to put you down and make herself look or feel better."
"Her actions, attitude, and behavior are those of an immature high schooler. She could actually be jealous of you and not want one or all of the following: you to succeed, have more friends, feel better about yourself, look better, etc."
"Please slowly distance yourself, find new hobbies and activities with more mature, well-rounded, healthy people." - Freeling_Fab_U_lous
"How DARE you spoil her fun; didn't you know that part of your gift was letting her make you the butt of her jokes? (sarcastic comment)"
"What an awful person. No one should need to put others down to raise themselves up. She doesn't deserve the title of friend, to be honest. You showed much more grace than I would have managed." - tphatmcgee
"She was using you as her punching bag to make the others attending laugh. Probably thinking you’d just take it. That’s not a good friend. NOR." - Additional-Start9455
"'Someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I asked them to stop.' NOR."
"First, you shouldn't have had to ask her to stop because a friend wouldn't have started in the first place. One of her 'jokes' was about you being sensitive, so she knew you didn't like it and did it anyway."
"Second, you asked her privately to stop, because you didn't want to embarrass her. Think about that. You didn't want to embarrass her. But she couldn't show you the same consideration, even after being asked to stop."
"That's not how I treat my friends, and I suspect that's not how you treat your friends, either." - calminthedark
"I would have answered her text that she's a s**tty friend and to f**k off. You have class."
"I probably would have made a comment at dinner that I asked her to stop with the insults."
"NOR. You did everything right." - Particular-King218
The subReddit was disappointed on the OP's behalf that a friendship they were so committed to, they were excited to celebrate their friend's birthday and even helped plan the event, came apart at their expense, and on very public terms.
If the friend didn't want to be "embarrassed," maybe she should have thought about how she was embarrassing others first.