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Teen Upset When Parents Refuse To Call Her By Middle Name To Avoid Getting Bullied At School

upset teen seated on high school steps
Juan Algar/Getty Images

Chosen names are getting a lot of attention, but the concept and practice are nothing new.

Writers might use a nom de plume. Performers may have a stage name.

A child may have a nickname or use a diminutive form of their given first name, then opt to use their full name as an adult. Parents might choose a family name as a first name but refer to their child by their middle name.

Bottom line is many people use chosen names instead of their “legal name” for a wide variety of reasons. Respecting what a person wants to be called isn’t difficult or an outrageous act.

A teen who wants to use their middle name turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her parents resisted the idea.

_Miccup asked:

“AITA for ignoring my parents when they don’t refer to me by my middle name?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“I, 15-female, was born physically disabled—this is relevant—with a highly uncommon, biblical name. My mother chose it by, quite literally, opening a Bible and choosing the first word she saw.”

“The name in question is considered to be more masculine, as well as very outdated. Due to this (and my disability), I’ve been bullied for most of my life.”

“My name has been constantly made fun of, purposefully mispronounced, and even been used as an excuse to misgender me. About two months ago, I made the decision to go by my middle name.”

“I respectfully asked everyone around me to use it, and for the most part, people did. The bullying died down, and I felt a lot happier with a more feminine name.”

“However, my parents (59, male—50, female) are still referring to me by my first name. When I explained to them why I wanted to go by my middle name, they claimed that I’d always be bullied due to my disability and that a name change wouldn’t prevent anything.”

“They also said that, since they were old, they ‘shouldn’t be expected to put in the effort of referring to me as something else’, as it’d cause them unnecessary stress.”

“My mother was also particularly upset about me going by my middle name, as she believed that I was, in a way, betraying God by no longer using a biblical name. My parents also argued that they’d only call me by my first name at home, so it shouldn’t affect me.”

“However, over the next month, they kept using my first name. Each time they used it, I was reminded of the constant bullying I put up with throughout my life.”

“So, I had the idea to simply not respond to them or say ‘that’s not my name’ every time they used my first name. It worked at first.”

“However, they now either mock, grumble, or complain that I’m overreacting. My parents believe that I’m disrespecting them by going by my middle name.”

“But, I now despise my first name, as it reminds me too much of the excessive bullying I’ve received in the past.”

“AITA ?”

The OP summed up their situation.

“I began ignoring and correcting my parents after they refused to refer to me by my middle name.”

“I believe that I might be the a**hole, as going by my middle name has offended my parents, and they feel disrespected.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

“NTA. Your parents aren’t old. They’re lazy and dismissive in saying they’re too old and set in their ways to change your name.”

“You are old enough to determine by which name you’d like to be called. This is a lot like dead naming someone who transitions.”

“They are putting their feelings about the name they randomly chose for you over your feelings of carrying that name around with you until you’re old enough to legally change it.”

“If it were me, I’d do exactly what you are doing. If they call for Ezekiel, I would ignore them until they use your chosen name.” ~ NotCreativeAtAll16

“Well, I think them saying ‘you will always be bullied because of your disability’ is SH*TTY. My grandson has Cerebral Palsy, and he is the sweetest, happiest little guy ever.”

“So I’m going to be THAT GRANDMA if anyone bullies him. Your parents saying that so casually is disgusting. NTA.” ~ 74Magick

“NTA. Your parents are bullying you into accepting what you’ve already said was unacceptable. They’re no different than those outside of your family who’ve given you grief.”

“What you should do is tell them that you’re considering changing your entire name to something that works best for you. Bet they’ll then start addressing you by that middle name in a flash.” ~ DeskRider

“NTA. 100% insane that the parents are being worse bullies to you than the others outside of the house! I’d highly suggest going with this full name change suggestion, stating why should you keep their family name as well if the family doesn’t respect you?” ~ Outrageous_Mode_625

“Their stance is so dumb because I bet you all the dollars that when you get older if you marry a straight Christian man, they would have zero difficulties understanding that your last name will change.”

“Hell they’d probably be thrilled to write things to you as Mrs. (Husband’s last name).”

“Also, didn’t they pick your middle name too? It’s not like you said your new name is Sonic the Hedgehog or something.”

“NTA at all. This is the crappy part of being smarter and saner than your parents.” ~ phalseprofits

“NTA. I have 2 kids and if one of them was bullied for their (admittedly quite common) names I’d happily let them change it to their middle if they preferred. It’s not a huge deal.”

“The fact they aren’t even concerned about you being bullied is awful. I wouldn’t take anything that woman says to heart, for saying that she’s Christian enough to name you a biblical name and think you ‘betrayed god’ for changing it, it isn’t very Christian of her is it.”

“I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and I hope things get better.” ~ Constant-Cupcake-962

“Old? I’m older than they are and I call their excuse bullsh*t.”

“Besides, all those names are yours, you have the right to use the one you like. And there’s nothing written in the parent/child contract that a child has to pay for the laziness of the parent in choosing the child’s name.”

“Hold on to your chosen name, it is yours and you have the right to use it. NTA.” ~ Renbarre

“Keep reminding your parents, but chances are they will keep referring to the name they selected. Parents see the name as part of your identity and are upset you are rejecting their choice.”

“At 18 you can legally change your name to anything you want, it’s not very difficult or expensive. So start saving money and decide on a new name.”

“Though your parents won’t be happy, but if it’s makes you happy change your name at 18!” ~ Slightlysanemomof5

“I’m 32 with cerebral palsy. You aren’t going to forever be bullied for having a disability, people actually tend to grow up as they age.”

“I also have three children. If any one of them wanted to change their name for any reason, I would support them. Their names are very typical, too.”

“NTA. Your parents are terrible people.”~ AMooseintheHoose

“If your middle name is Biblical, you aren’t denying god by using it. If it isn’t Biblical, they denied god first by choosing it. Either way, NTA.” ~ Emotional-Ebb8321

“NTA. Your life will be harder because you are disabled, but it’s easier as an adult because you choose your friends and can easily cut out and stop interacting with anyone who bullies you or doesn’t accept you.”

“It’s harder when you are in school or in a toxic environment. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.”

“I know it’s hard, but some things do get easier as an adult.”

“You can use whatever name you want, make it your choice. You can also legally change your name when you’re old enough.” ~ arcticfox_12

“NTA. Babies don’t get to choose their name, and once older, you have every right to choose a different name for yourself.”

“It’s the name you have to live with, it’s part of your identity. Your parents should respect your wishes.” ~ slt215

“NTA and if I were you, I would ignore them when they don’t use your chosen name. It’s not as if you have asked them to address you as ‘high priestess, queen of the world’.”

“You just want to go by the name you use every day. My oldest uses a nickname and it’s not that difficult.”

“They’re in their 50s; they’re not 95 and senile; there’s no reason they can’t remember what you would like to be called.” ~ Better_Specialist721

As most people pointed out, the OP is the person the name was given to.

They can do with that “gift” whatever they want.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.