Some people spend their free time doing arts and crafts, or in my case spending hours on Netflix.
Others, choose shopping as their favorite hobby. But, they seem to be called "superficial" or "materialistic."
A Redditor encountered this very issue with her friends. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for giving expensive graduation gifts to everyone in my friend group except for one friend because she always judges me for being 'materialistic' and says 'it's selfish to shop when the economy is this bad'?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I feel so so confused about this. Please note that this is not really a problem nor is it serious but I still care about this friendship and I need to know whether I was right to do what I did or not."
"My friend group is made up of 4 girls, we are all 18 F and graduated from high school. I love them all dearly but one of the girls, Jane (fake name) is not really a close friend."
"Even though it's a useless 'hobby' and pretty superficial, I love shopping. I love the process of getting new dresses and jewelry but I'm not addicted to it, it's just a collection. I love fashion."
OP's friend is not a fan.
"Jane has a huge problem with this."
"She constantly keeps telling me that minimalism is the way to go and that being materialistic meant I didn't care about the Earth."
"She hates shopping and getting new outfits. I would have been okay with her opinion if she kept it for herself but she keeps pushing me towards it too."
"Two weeks ago she was sending our entire group messages about how buying expensive clothing was unethical when the whole country's economy was bad."
"Another friend told her that it was because of major companies and not really because of normal people buying pretty things and that seemed to shut her up, or so I thought."
"She then proceeded to privately text me about my spending habits and I felt so horrible afterwards because she was going on about 'world hunger.'"
OP and her friends graduated, so she bought a gift for everyone.
"So when I decided on a graduation gift to give my girls, I decided to exclude Jane from it."
"I did get her something but it was not the same. I got my other friends a dress and a love bracelet while Jane got books (from the genre she liked) and a bottle of perfume."
"I get a call from her telling me I was trying to kick her out of our group and that I was excluding her for not always agreeing with me."
"I tell her that I didn't think she'd want something expensive since she believes it's selfish to get things like that. I admit that part of the reason why I did this was because I felt a tad petty and because I thought she deserved it."
OP's friends thought it was the right move.
"My other friends and bf thinks I was in the right but our classmates think I went too far (they know about this because Jane made a post about it)."
"I think I maybe have been too petty or cruel and made her feel alone. But I also think she shouldn't have made me feel bad about doing something that made me happy. AITA?"
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. She's been going out of her way to harass and bully you over something that is frankly none of her damn business."
"And you still did something nice and thoughtful for her. Jane is an awful, mean, manipulative little bully." ~ RedoubtableSouth
"I'm trying to wrap my head around the unethical part. Does she expect OP to donate all of her money not used for necessities to other people? Not spending money because the economy is bad hurts the economy." ~ weirdbutinagoodway
"Besides that rational makes no sense. Shopping actually stimulates not shrinks the economy hence the stimulus payments. By spending we keep people working." ~ JuryNo7670
"Yeah, but if the OP's description is accurate, it seems more like a matter of thinking OP shouldn't be buying expensive things because so many other people can't afford expensive things." ~ rochan71
Many encouraged OP to shop locally.
"If you are worried about ethics then shop local. A cake or jewelry made by a local small business makes more of a positive impact and shopping locally reduces the carbon footprint then buying from big box stores." ~ Vailoftears
"Talking about clothing, not everyone is of a body shape to buy from small businesses. Small business very rarely have a large selection to pick from when it comes to fashion."
"I have to buy from bigger name store because I can't find clothes that fit in a lot of other stores. And thrifting is not a great way to find outfits I feel comfortable in (I thrifted all my clothes for years when I didn't have money and it lead to me wearing clothes that didn't fit and I wasn't comfortable in)."
"For things that aren't clothing, I find supporting smaller businesses to be great."
"My sister and her husband get their jewelry from a small store in our city. It's the only location. When I have bought jewelry in the past, my favorite store was this small store that had two locations."
"I haven't had reason to buy a cake recently but my sister got her wedding cake from a friend. But sometimes big box is the only way to buy things." ~ AluminumCansAndYarn
OP added some updates.
"Update: Thank you to everyone who helped me with this."
"I feel so relieved and I have learned so much from all of you. My friends have supported me all through this situation and we have decided to cut Jane off."
"She was constantly making posts about this and refusing to have a civil conversation offline (which some people suggested I do, unfortunately I couldn't)."
"So yeah, no more Jane related drama and I am so thankful for that. I won't be able to read your comments anymore, I'm going to go offline and spend some much needed time with my girls. I appreciate all of your thoughts though <3"
Supporting local businesses is always a good idea.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.