Blended families are almost always guaranteed to get off to a tentative, if not downright rocky, start.
After all, after years of getting used to your own familial routine, you suddenly find yourself sharing your home with new step-parents and step-siblings, disrupting your status quo.
Sometimes, for the better, you find yourself grateful for finally having the sibling or parent you always wanted.
Other times, sadly, things change for the worse.
Redditor CatLane initially had a very tight bond with his father after losing his mother at a very young age.
However, when the original poster (OP)'s father remarried, his relationship with his father took a very unhappy turn.
Eventually leading to the OP to decide to no longer be an active part of his father's life.
Wondering if he took things too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for ignoring my dad's birthday and not getting him a gift?"
The OP explained why he chose to ignore his father's birthday altogether:
"Ever since I (16 M[ale]) was a little kid, I got my dad a birthday gift with the help of my (surrogate) grandparents."
"My mom died when I was two so it was me and dad for a lot of years."
"Dad and I used to be really close."
"Then, when I was 10, he met Jen, and he met her kids, who were 18 months and 3 years old at the time."
"Dad and Jen fell in love pretty fast, and they moved in together a few months after they met."
"Jen was divorced, and her kid's dad wasn't around."
"So my dad decided he needed to step up and be a good dad to them."
"He told me things would change, but I was still his son, and he'd make time for me."
"But ever since he decided Jen's kids were going to be his, he let me down a lot."
"It started with us having plans and him having to cancel because one of the kids was sick."
"Then it was they had a play or a game he needed to be there for."
"Or it was they had decided to have one of the kid's birthday parties early, and Dad needed to be there."
"But he wasn't doing the same for me."
"When I got sick, he'd send me to my grandparents or expect me to stay with Jen while he did something with Jen's kids."
"If I had something on, he'd apologize for missing it and say he had plans with Jen's kids."
"Oh, and the big thing that pisses me off is for the last six years (almost), he gives Jen's kids credit and thanks them too when I buy him a gift."
"Even when I tell him it's from only me."
"He talks about it being teamwork to get him that."
"I tried talking to Dad."
"He admitted he let me down."
"He told me he was afraid of Jen's kids feeling rejected if he were to cancel with them for me."
"That he didn't want them to feel like he loved me more when all three of us are equal."
"I told him he cares more about them, and he asked how I could say that after ten years of having all his attention."
"He asked me to think about the kids whose bio dad walked out on them and who could feel really unwanted if he were to let them down."
"I told him I didn't care about them or their feelings or whether they feel loved and wanted."
"I told him I don't feel loved and wanted."
"I feel resentful of the fact he gives them credit for my gifts; he cancels on me for them but won't give the same back."
"He told me he can't change it but he can try to let me down less."
"I told him he was putting them ahead of me, and I told him I was done."
"He can enjoy having two kids instead of three."
"He didn't think I would follow through."
"This big talk happened back in April."
"Dad's birthday was yesterday, and I didn't join in on any of the celebrations, and I got him nothing."
"I didn't even say happy birthday."
"I knew they were going out for the day, but I didn't go, and I knew ahead of time."
"When they got home, Dad was upset because I was on the couch playing video games."
"He told me he'd missed me."
"Jen told me I had really hurt my dad and was behaving like a child instead of a 16-year-old."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for ignoring his father's birthday.
While some felt that the OP's behavior was extreme and immature, they agreed that he gave his father a much-needed dose of his own medicine, with others pointing out that he needn't worry about Jen's accusation of behaving like a child as he still was, in fact, a child:
"NTA."
"It is sorta petty, but you tried with grown-up talk, and it didn't work out."
"It was a powerful move to show him how he makes you feel all the time."
"It's okay to accept stepkids, as he should, but he obviously put them ahead of you."
'Soon you will be old enough to move out and forget about all of them."- anya-444
"NTA."
"'Jen told me I…was behaving like a child'."
"You are a child."
"One that's been abandoned by his father, despite the fact you live in the same home as him."
'You've done all that you can to communicate your hurt to him."
"Now it's time to protect your heart."
"He may come back to you soon and promise change."
"Believe only his actions."
"I'd actually recommend you get therapy for yourself."
"You've been through a lot, losing your mother and then being emotionally abandoned by your father, and you will need help to process this."- Pleasant-Koala147
"NTA."
"You tried to talk to him about it, and it did nothing."
"I'm sorry your dad is treating you like this."
"Do you have any other family you can speak with?"- Emiliodash88
"'He asked me to think about the kids whose bio dad walked out on them and who could feel really unwanted if he were to let them down'."
"Let him know that because of his efforts to be there for them, you know exactly how it feels, but what makes it worse is that he's still there, so you get a front-row seat to him being a great dad to everyone but you."
"NTA."- randisuewho
"NTA."
"It's kind of ironic how he became a hero dad to his stepchildren but an A dad to you."
"That's just not how it works."
"He might save the other kids, but he became an absent father to yours, and for the stepmom to meddle by telling you you're acting like a child, she has no right to say so, and she should've just let the two of you talk."- kyravalentina_
"NTA."
"You've spoken to your dad about how he's made you feel, and he's effectively done nothing to remedy the situation."
"He can't enjoy the benefits of having three kids if he only puts in the effort with two of them."
"If you're open to still having a relationship with your dad, I'd suggest asking him whether you could all attend family therapy, but I wouldn't be surprised if you're just done with the situation at this point."- laughinglovinglivid
"So because just stepkids biological father abandoned them, your dad thought his boss move was going to be to abandon his own child to show them what a great guy he is?"
"Yeah, no."
"NTA."
"Let your dad know that abandoning you will not give these other children back their father. It's only costing the relationship that you two have."- Fit_Government5736
"NTA."
"You started treating him like he treats you, and he doesn't like it. It's interesting, isn't it?"
"Tell them you were acting like an adult as you were doing the same thing he does."
"Good luck."- SheiB123
"NTA and how dare Jen say that when she had watched your dad allow her children to be priority while you get pushed to the back."
"Maybe I'm petty but I'd probably take it a step further and start call in him by his first name or Mr or sir instead of dad to really hit home."
"Also, have your grandparents put down as your school emergency contacts."
"You've tried to be grown up and speak to him, and he is ignoring the issues and trying to guilt you."- Secret_Double_9239
The OP's father certainly had every right to be hurt that his son completely ignored his birthday.
Hopefully, he'll realize that that's precisely how the OP has been feeling for the last several years, not just one night.
While the love and care he gave Jen's children should not go unnoticed, it also shouldn't have come at the expense of the OP.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp