As a family, you'd want to do anything you can to help them out when they're in a pinch.
But this notion of offering assistance no matter what is presumptuous.
A teen struggled with her latest dilemma when her older brother approached her for a favor, and the conversation didn't go over so well.
So she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Zelinia23 asked:
"AITAH for refusing to help my brother pay off his debt after he tried to publicly shame me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (19 F[female]) started a new job recently and saved up quite a bit of money over the past year."
"My family was proud of me, but my older brother (25 M[ale]) immediately started making comments like, 'You're finally rolling in cash, so I guess you can help your family now.'"
The OP continued:
"He has always been bad with money, mostly from wasting it on gambling and unnecessary purchases."
"Last week, he asked me for $3,000 to help pay off his credit card debt. He said he needed it to avoid getting into more trouble."
"I told him no because I've seen how he handles money, and I don't trust him to use it wisely. He got mad and called me selfish, saying I was being unfair since I don't have any big expenses right now."
There was more to the story.
"It didn't stop there. A few days later, he went on social media and posted a rant about how I was 'hoarding' money while my own family struggled."
"He even called me a bad sister for refusing to help. Now some family members are saying I should just lend him the money to avoid more drama, but I don't think I should have to pay for his mistakes."
"AITAH?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
"NTA because that 'loan' that your family mention wouldn't be a loan would it now? And if your family are so bothered by your brother's financial situation, they can help him with their money and not yours." – Habitual-Reject
"A 25-year-old man trying to shame his 19-year-old sister into 'lending' him money? PS you will never see that money again if you do. Don't do this OP, it's going to set up a situation where he constantly hits you up for money, NTA." – intelligentprince
"I would respond to his social media post with something like, 'No, I am not hoarding money. I am saving money like an adult while you are basically lighting yours on fire and expecting me, a TEENAGER, to put the fire out for you. Grow the eff up, loser.' "
"If he's going to try to publicly shame you, there is no reason you can't shame him by telling the truth about this situation. NTA." – fiestafan73
"NTA. You are not responsible for your brother's bad choices. If he has a gambling problem, you know you would be throwing that money away and setting a precedent for him to continue to harass you for money. Let him know firmly, that you are not going to bankroll him."
"Don't give in to family pressure because it's not drama they want to avoid, it's your brother hitting them up for money. Let it be your families choice to give it to him or not. You said no and it is no one else's business, so tell them to mind their own." – NoDaisy
"NTA."
"Use some of that money to find your own house and get a far away from your toxic family as you can. Your brother is a loser and will always be needing loans. Give in now and you'll never be at peace."
"Oh and pro tip, never ever let anyone know how much money you have. Always claim poor and stay in character. But something big like a car or bed and drawer set then pretend you are now broke or even make up some elaborate tale about being shafted by a fake crypto scam." – InformalCry147
"NTA. The answer for this is simple, go on the same social media sites and throw it back on them."
"Dear family, since you're all so gung ho on helping family out, why don't you lend my irresponsible brother the money? While you're at it help bail him out of his gambling debts. Be forewarned that you probably won't get it back, but you can get the nice warm fuzzy knowing you've done your part." – ListMore5157
"NTA. Tell your brother 'Congratulations! I've found someone to lend you money!' then give him the numbers of all the relatives who are pushing you to do this. If it's so important to them that they can harass you, then they can lend him the money. If they b*tch about it, remind them that family helps family." – Proof_Strawberry_464
"OP go on the same social media and tell everybody you had the perfect way for him to fix his money problem, don't gamble with your rent money and pay your bills before you buy your drinks."
"Anyone that doesn't like your suggestions is welcome to give him as much money as they want, but you think it's more important you pay your own bills first before you pay for someone else's entertainment." – floridaeng
"No! NTA! That money is for your own financial wellbeing. Do NOT give it to somebody who has no financial sense, especially now that he's going for the jugular. You absolutely shouldn't have to pay for his mistakes."
"Tell each and every one of those family members to pool their resources and give him THEIR money." – Regular_Boot_3540
"NTA, save your hard earned money. He probably doesn't realize how big of a loser he looks like for posting some dumb rant on social media whining about how you won't give him your money. Ignore anyone saying you should."
"If you do decide to help him with money, do yourself a favor and don't loan it to him. Just figure out what amount you are willing to give to him as a gift, then give it him as a gift and don't expect repayment. You can be clear that it's a one-time gift and you are not responsible for his bad choices and won't be bailing him out going forward."
"But loaning money to a family member and then hounding them to repay you when everyone pretty much knows they won't is just the worst possible outcome. You'd be better off continuing to say no than to go the 'loan' route." –Mountain_Stress5909
"It sounds to me like your brother wants an outright gift to bail him out of the kind of trouble that was entirely predictable, given his spending habits. (You mention 'lend', but the rest of your post doesn't sound like lending is involved.)"
"You know the answer. He won't pay you back. I'd bet, partly because you don't mention it, he didn't even come to you with a repayment plan. And then he tried to pressure you publicly. Of course you shouldn't give him a penny!"
"He's got to learn to manage his own financial problems rather than depend on bailouts from friends and relatives. With bailouts, he'll never learn to manage his own money."
"What you should do, if you haven't already, is to set up a personal budget and long-term financial plan, and distribute your savings accordingly. Some for an emergency fund, some for an expected big purchase, and some in one of those tax-sheltered retirement plans that many countries seem to offer."
"You won't tell him or anyone else the details, of course, but when this type of person guesses you have some money (because you obviously aren't throwing it away), it's sometimes convenient to say that what money you do have is tied up in an investment or retirement plan and you can't get access to it for years. I did that when someone wanted me to buy a relative a car."
"NTA." – SavingsRhubarb8746
"NTA. As a 25 year old, he should not rely on his 19 year old sister for HIS mistakes of spending more than he had. Write something back and tell him he should get a job as it isn't your responsibility to clear HIS debts that HE made himself."
"Also include he's the selfish one by wanting you to also have debt just so HE doesn't." – Confident_Set4216
"NTA and to those family members telling you, you should just lend it to him to avoid the drama. Tell them to stick it up there you know what?. If he's gambling, I know exactly what he's going to do. He'll pay off the credit card and then run it up again. Gambling."
"He is 6 years older than you. It's not up to you to bail him out financially. It's not up to you to bail any member of your family out financially. You've only just started saving for your own future."
"Don't be throwing money away. Because giving money to a gambler is exactly what you're going to do. It's not like it's money going to a good cause. And to those that think you should just give it to him, tell them if they think he should have the money then they should give it to him."
"See what they have to say then. Funny how generous friends and family can be when it's not their own money." – sammac66
Overall, Redditors thought it was pretty shameful that her brother hit her up for cash to remedy his money problem, and they urged her not to give in because she isn't responsible for him.
Redditors also looked down on the other family members who thought she should give in to his request instead of ponying up cash of their own to help the brother's cause.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.