As a family, you'd want to do anything you can to help them out when they're in a pinch.
But this notion of offering assistance no matter what is presumptuous.
A teen struggled with her latest dilemma when her older brother approached her for a favor, and the conversation didn't go over so well.
So she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Zelinia23 asked:
"AITAH for refusing to help my brother pay off his debt after he tried to publicly shame me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (19 F[female]) started a new job recently and saved up quite a bit of money over the past year."
"My family was proud of me, but my older brother (25 M[ale]) immediately started making comments like, 'You're finally rolling in cash, so I guess you can help your family now.'"
The OP continued:
"He has always been bad with money, mostly from wasting it on gambling and unnecessary purchases."
"Last week, he asked me for $3,000 to help pay off his credit card debt. He said he needed it to avoid getting into more trouble."
"I told him no because I've seen how he handles money, and I don't trust him to use it wisely. He got mad and called me selfish, saying I was being unfair since I don't have any big expenses right now."
There was more to the story.
"It didn't stop there. A few days later, he went on social media and posted a rant about how I was 'hoarding' money while my own family struggled."
"He even called me a bad sister for refusing to help. Now some family members are saying I should just lend him the money to avoid more drama, but I don't think I should have to pay for his mistakes."
"AITAH?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
"NTA because that 'loan' that your family mention wouldn't be a loan would it now? And if your family are so bothered by your brother's financial situation, they can help him with their money and not yours." – Habitual-Reject
"A 25-year-old man trying to shame his 19-year-old sister into 'lending' him money? PS you will never see that money again if you do. Don't do this OP, it's going to set up a situation where he constantly hits you up for money, NTA." – intelligentprince
"I would respond to his social media post with something like, 'No, I am not hoarding money. I am saving money like an adult while you are basically lighting yours on fire and expecting me, a TEENAGER, to put the fire out for you. Grow the eff up, loser.' "
"If he's going to try to publicly shame you, there is no reason you can't shame him by telling the truth about this situation. NTA." – fiestafan73
"NTA. You are not responsible for your brother's bad choices. If he has a gambling problem, you know you would be throwing that money away and setting a precedent for him to continue to harass you for money. Let him know firmly, that you are not going to bankroll him."
"Don't give in to family pressure because it's not drama they want to avoid, it's your brother hitting them up for money. Let it be your families choice to give it to him or not. You said no and it is no one else's business, so tell them to mind their own." – NoDaisy
"NTA."
"Use some of that money to find your own house and get a far away from your toxic family as you can. Your brother is a loser and will always be needing loans. Give in now and you'll never be at peace."
"Oh and pro tip, never ever let anyone know how much money you have. Always claim poor and stay in character. But something big like a car or bed and drawer set then pretend you are now broke or even make up some elaborate tale about being shafted by a fake crypto scam." – InformalCry147
"NTA. The answer for this is simple, go on the same social media sites and throw it back on them."
"Dear family, since you're all so gung ho on helping family out, why don't you lend my irresponsible brother the money? While you're at it help bail him out of his gambling debts. Be forewarned that you probably won't get it back, but you can get the nice warm fuzzy knowing you've done your part." – ListMore5157
"NTA. Tell your brother 'Congratulations! I've found someone to lend you money!' then give him the numbers of all the relatives who are pushing you to do this. If it's so important to them that they can harass you, then they can lend him the money. If they b*tch about it, remind them that family helps family." – Proof_Strawberry_464
"OP go on the same social media and tell everybody you had the perfect way for him to fix his money problem, don't gamble with your rent money and pay your bills before you buy your drinks."
"Anyone that doesn't like your suggestions is welcome to give him as much money as they want, but you think it's more important you pay your own bills first before you pay for someone else's entertainment." – floridaeng
"No! NTA! That money is for your own financial wellbeing. Do NOT give it to somebody who has no financial sense, especially now that he's going for the jugular. You absolutely shouldn't have to pay for his mistakes."
"Tell each and every one of those family members to pool their resources and give him THEIR money." – Regular_Boot_3540
"NTA, save your hard earned money. He probably doesn't realize how big of a loser he looks like for posting some dumb rant on social media whining about how you won't give him your money. Ignore anyone saying you should."
"If you do decide to help him with money, do yourself a favor and don't loan it to him. Just figure out what amount you are willing to give to him as a gift, then give it him as a gift and don't expect repayment. You can be clear that it's a one-time gift and you are not responsible for his bad choices and won't be bailing him out going forward."
"But loaning money to a family member and then hounding them to repay you when everyone pretty much knows they won't is just the worst possible outcome. You'd be better off continuing to say no than to go the 'loan' route." –Mountain_Stress5909
"It sounds to me like your brother wants an outright gift to bail him out of the kind of trouble that was entirely predictable, given his spending habits. (You mention 'lend', but the rest of your post doesn't sound like lending is involved.)"
"You know the answer. He won't pay you back. I'd bet, partly because you don't mention it, he didn't even come to you with a repayment plan. And then he tried to pressure you publicly. Of course you shouldn't give him a penny!"
"He's got to learn to manage his own financial problems rather than depend on bailouts from friends and relatives. With bailouts, he'll never learn to manage his own money."
"What you should do, if you haven't already, is to set up a personal budget and long-term financial plan, and distribute your savings accordingly. Some for an emergency fund, some for an expected big purchase, and some in one of those tax-sheltered retirement plans that many countries seem to offer."
"You won't tell him or anyone else the details, of course, but when this type of person guesses you have some money (because you obviously aren't throwing it away), it's sometimes convenient to say that what money you do have is tied up in an investment or retirement plan and you can't get access to it for years. I did that when someone wanted me to buy a relative a car."
"NTA." – SavingsRhubarb8746
"NTA. As a 25 year old, he should not rely on his 19 year old sister for HIS mistakes of spending more than he had. Write something back and tell him he should get a job as it isn't your responsibility to clear HIS debts that HE made himself."
"Also include he's the selfish one by wanting you to also have debt just so HE doesn't." – Confident_Set4216
"NTA and to those family members telling you, you should just lend it to him to avoid the drama. Tell them to stick it up there you know what?. If he's gambling, I know exactly what he's going to do. He'll pay off the credit card and then run it up again. Gambling."
"He is 6 years older than you. It's not up to you to bail him out financially. It's not up to you to bail any member of your family out financially. You've only just started saving for your own future."
"Don't be throwing money away. Because giving money to a gambler is exactly what you're going to do. It's not like it's money going to a good cause. And to those that think you should just give it to him, tell them if they think he should have the money then they should give it to him."
"See what they have to say then. Funny how generous friends and family can be when it's not their own money." – sammac66
Overall, Redditors thought it was pretty shameful that her brother hit her up for cash to remedy his money problem, and they urged her not to give in because she isn't responsible for him.
Redditors also looked down on the other family members who thought she should give in to his request instead of ponying up cash of their own to help the brother's cause.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp