Unplanned pregnancies happen. They just do; it's a fact of life.
Many times, but certainly not always, the future mother wants the child's father to "step up" to the plate and help raise the child.
And either the father obliges or he doesn't.
But what happens if his long-time crush is the one carrying the child?
Oh, and it isn't his...
A teenager on Reddit is stunned that his crush got pregnant by someone else and she and her parents are expecting him to step in as the father, so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor BassPsychological293 posed:
"This girl (18/f[emale]) got pregnant and she and her parents want me (19/m[ale]) to step up and help her raise her baby (I am not the dad) but I want to go into the Corps.""I told her no. I feel bad though."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Basically, this girl I always had a crush on got knocked up by some random loser and now while she is pregnant she has been wanting to date me."
"Her parents want me to step up and 'be a man'... so they don't have to help her take care of the baby for like the next 18 years and have her stay with them (she is not a piece of cake btw)...
"but the thing is I am not the dad."
"She said she wants me to be her boyfriend and for me to get a job and a place for her and me to live to help raise 'our' kid."
"My dad told me to tell her to go f herself and not to put my dreams to the side and that I am so young and just a kid myself and to NEVER ever in my entire life get involved with her."
"He said HER baby is NOT my responsibility and he will be heartbroken if I voluntarily take on this burden."
"He fully supports me going into the Corps."
"I told her I do not want to get involved with her."
"Her dad told me I am not a real man."
Redditors weighed in on the situation and overwhelmingly agreed that OP is not the a**hole (NTA) and that the mother-to-be is only trying to take advantage of him.
"NTA - It isn't even an question."
"Do not let them do this to you."
"I wouldn't even trust that she really likes you, I'd assume she simply went to you because she knew you liked her and thought you'd be easy to trap so she wouldn't be a single mother." - black-stone-reader
"NTA- she knows you're going into the service, gonna try to get her and the baby on benefits, you'll be away, baby daddy still around."
"Tale as old as time. Or at least as old as the Corps." - Sad_Construction_668
"NTA. Don't ruin your life for her."
"You absolutely shouldn't be responsible for her and her child."
"She only wants to date you now because she knows you had a crush on her, so she wants to take advantage of you."
"Get as far away from her as possible." - Tall-Negotiation6623
"NTA Run, dont walk."
"This is wrong and, umm, just WRONG" - Crockodile_Tears
"Sounds like she only wants you now because she is pregnant and scared of raising a child alone."
"Don't do it."
"Don't let yourself get manipulated and follow your dreams." - Judaicyrus
"NTA. She had the choice between the sensible option and the irresponsible one."
"now she's let Mr.Irresponsible knock her up & run and wants Mr.Sensible - who was always going to have a good career and be able to pay his way - to take the cost"
"You should not accept being second choice."
"Wait until you find a girl who wants you for your ability to be yourself, not your ability to sort out her mistakes"
"Good luck in the Corps." - CarpeCyprinidae
"NTA"
"That is an insane request. What the hell?" - 2Whom_it_May_Concern
"NTA…. By the way…. I think the girl has somehow implied to her parents that you are the father or in some way responsible for her being pregnant."
"Go live your life." - Itabliss
"NTA. Her parents are pathetic though, trying to pawn her off to you because they don't want to take care of their daughter."
"Corps aside, raising someone else's child is no joke."
"You need to be 100% willing or you'll grow resentful because you will be forced to make sacrifices for this child."
"All parents need to sacrifice a bit for their children, but they chose to have them."
"Would you be willing and fine with making your life revolve around this baby?"
"On top of that, you have a crush on her, but having a crush doesn't mean you are actually compatible."
"A crush is just a crush."
"To understand if you're compatible, you need to actually date so that you can then decide if she's someone you want to have a relationship with or not."
"Based on how her parents and her are behaving, even if you accept to date, they will not accept a break up if you decide you don't want any of it."
"You also say she's a handful."
"If she has the same mindset as her parents, you'll be trapped in a toxic relationship where you are just an ATM."
"Stick to your guns."
"Keep saying no or even better stop every interaction with them."
"Their opinion means nothing: you are not the one who got her pregnant, you have no obligation towards her."
"They are being manipulative and irrational."
"If they need a walking ATM, they should drag the bio dad to court to pay child support." - Daughter_of_Dusk
"Your goal of joining the Marine Corps is an important decision that can define your future."
"It's crucial to focus on what's best for you in the long run."
"Don't feel obligated to take on responsibilities that aren't yours, especially when your future is at stake."
"Stay firm in your dreams and goals" - xoxosummerjames
And really, they feel the same goes for the child's future grandparents.
"Her dad says you're not a real man for not wanting to raise another guy's child when he himself doesn't want to raise his grandchild."
"NTA, obviously. Just leave that trash behind" - shapookya
"Why is her dad even looking your way?"
"Did she tell him that YOU are the dad so she does not have to admit who the random dude who IS the dad is????"
"Red flags galore, run as fast as you can!" - Nordic_Ant
"NTA."
"Her family are incredibly selfish. And they're leeches."
"That being said... please make sure everyone knows this isn't your child."
"I don't trust people like this." - TopAd7154
"They are mental to even be playing this game with you."
"This is YOUR life they are messing with just like she messed with HERS."
"Do not do that."
"If you have to ask a forum, there's your answer: say 'NO!' and run away from that family fast."
"Her Dad is not a man if he doesn't wanna help his daughter or find the actual sperm donor and take him to court."
"Get out while you can!!!!"
"Good luck in the Corps."
"You'll have resentment forever if you don't follow YOUR dream!!" - Sham624
Several did commend OP's father, though, for providing sage advice.
"Your dad for the win."
"He is giving you sound advice."
"And she does not want you to be her boyfriend. She wants you to be her victim."
"It is highly manipulative of her and not surprising by her family's response."
"This is why having a dad(parent) that looks out for you is so important."
"Hug that man." - youmustb3jokn
"NTA, your dad is right, this is not a YOU problem" - Turbulent_Ebb5669
"NTA and listen to your dad."
"Her dad would have a point if you were the father of this girls' child, but you literally have nothing to do with her."
"You should give up your dreams, why?"
"Because a girl you kinda liked, but weren't even in a relationship, did a stupid thing?"
"Are you this insecure about your masculinity that you think some random dude can take your 'mancard' away?"
"Listen to the man that actually has YOUR best interest at heart." - Jazzisa
"Lol easy NTA, your dad is the man." - VZV_CZ
"Your dad's right."
"F her and her parents."
"If you do decide to simp for her you'll be doing yourself and every man a disservice." - Maleficent_Meeting62
OP once again took to the platform and informed his fellow Redditors of action he's taken since reading their comments.
"Update: I have been able to successfully block this girl (and her parents) on all social media platforms and their phone numbers (and home phone) as well from my cell phone."
"I have also gotten a temporary restraining order (there is a legal process you have to go through for a real permanent one, but I am working on it) against her and her parents."
"None of them are allowed to contact me by any means (including phone, email, mail, in person, or by someone else)."
"If they do, the sheriff will have his deputies go to their house and bring them to the local jail."
It sounds like he's made his decision!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp