Mom Balks After Fellow Mom Demands She 'Monitor' Teenage Daughter's Texts Like She Does

Parenting a child in the age of social media is a daunting challenge.

This can be especially stressful for parents of teenagers.

What is not enough parenting?

What is too much?

There is no perfect answer.

But adjustments in style can always be discussed.

Redditor Immediate-Phrase-999 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.

She asked:

"AITA for agreeing with my daughter that it is weird that her friend's mom has access to their conversations?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"My daughter is 14 years old and has a friend, 'Chloe.'"

"She and Chloe have been friends for a little over a year now."

"Chloe's mom, 'Gina,' is someone I'd consider pretty strict."

"I was aware she'd check Chloe's phone (and I know a lot of parents do this), but I found out a few months ago through my daughter that she'd respond through Chloe's phone to Chloe's friends, including my daughter."

"It was never anything overkill, just, 'Chloe can't talk right now, she's busy with homework' or whatever."

"I thought this was odd but didn't say anything to Gina about it because that's her life and her business."

"I got a call from Gina earlier this afternoon."

"She was very pissed off and told me that my daughter was rude, I needed to start monitoring what she says, etc."

"I asked her what exactly happened, and she said my daughter gave her an attitude via text."

"I was still very confused and asked why they were texting."

"Gina became exasperated and snapped, 'Through Chloe's phone!!'"

"I told her I'd call her back and asked my daughter specifically what happened."

"My daughter willingly showed me her texts."

"She had texted Chloe something."

"Gina had responded (using Chloe's phone), saying Chloe was busy."

"My daughter replied, asking when Chloe would be available to talk."

"Gina told her, 'When she's ready, stop texting her!'"

"My daughter replied, 'You don't have to be so rude.'"

"Gina said she wasn't being rude."

"My daughter said yes, Gina was, and also called her a weirdo for using Chloe's phone."

"I told my daughter next time, just don't engage."

"I did also say it wasn't kind to call someone a weirdo and not to do it again, but that I also understood her frustration."

"I didn't punish her; she seemed receptive to the talk, and I left it at that."

"I called Gina back and told her I had spoken to my daughter and handled the problem."

"Gina started ranting that I need to monitor my daughter's phone and asked if I had seen some of the things she talks about."

"She started on crushes, rants about teachers, saying there were times my daughter badmouthed me when frustrated."

"I said that's all fine, I'd rather her have a safe space to vent with her friends, after all, she's a teenager."

"Gina kept pressing on the issue and what would be done."

"I told her nothing."

"I spoke with my daughter and handled it."

"Gina said, 'But she insulted an adult!'"

"I told her I handled it, but my daughter also didn't say anything that wasn't true."

"Gina *was* acting like a weirdo."

"Now, Gina is angry with me."

"My daughter doesn't care that I said all of this."

"However, my husband thinks that I shouldn't have said it, as it didn't solve anything, and Gina can parent how she wants."

"I said I never commented on Gina's parenting until she tried to undermine/insult mine."

The OP was left to wonder:

"AITA?"

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

"NTA. But truthfully, Gina is psycho weird and seems obsessed with punishing your daughter."

"Your daughter may think she has a safe space with her friend, but Gina can manipulate what your daughter is saying."

"Gina can also impersonate your daughter's friend and have her expose something personal."

"Unfortunately, I wouldn't let my daughter be close friends with this person."

"There is a big liability for your daughter to go to Gina's home/ text her friend when the mother is constantly monitoring with psycho intentions." ~ Dense_Island_5120

"That is such a violation, my God."

"Some parents don't seem to understand that their children aren't property; they're actual human beings with the right to an unmonitored life."

"Monitoring your younger teenager's location when they're out with friends or when they've just gotten their license?"

"Sure, that's a safety thing."

"I had location info for my teens, but my kids always knew I had access to their locations."

"Monitoring your kids without their knowledge? Hell no."

"Monitoring texts or private conversations?"

"Super unhealthy behavior." ~ megggie

"When I was in high school, a friend's mom read her journal."

"The friend wrote about other friends hooking up, smoking pot, drinking, etc, pretty standard teenage stuff."

"The mom took it upon herself to call the parents of every kid mentioned and read the journal entries pertaining to their kid."

"The blowback was epic."

"A few of the parents flipped out and punished their own kids over the info."

"Most, however, were so enraged at this mom for not only invading her own daughter's privacy but also their kid's privacy."

"My parents never got a call, but I remember telling my mom about the situation and she was pissed, calling the other mom a psycho." ~ Framerchick2002

"Seems like her goal is to alienate her daughter."

"She knows teenagers don't want their friend's mommy reading all their messages so they'll reach out to her less as a result, and if she doesn't know that then that in itself is concerning."

"She also knows that no one would be comfortable texting or calling her daughter when they know her mom might be the one who answers."

"She knows that none of her child's friends will want to come to her house to hang out because they know her mom is going to be right up in everything."

"Her behavior is controlling and isolating."

Or maybe she doesn't realize any of that and thinks she's right, and I don't know which is worse." ~ QuestioningHuman_api

"NTA. If Chloe is busy, she can just… not reply until she's done."

"Gina replying on her behalf IS weird."

"Poor Chloe." ~ WittyAndWeird

"I feel sorry for Chloe."

"She will meet someone who treats her like her mom does and thinks it's perfectly normal."

"It is not healthy."

'I don't even go through my own kids' phones."

"You did the right thing."

"Don't engage with someone like that."

"If someone's 'busy,' don't keep texting."

"Wait until they get a chance to reply." ~ Frozen-Nose-22

"NTA - I agree you handled it well, but also, aren't we as parents encouraged to monitor our children's phones and internet usage?"

"I am not going to fault her for that part."

"I've never checked my kids' phones unless they have broken my trust in relation to it."

"Out of 4 (now 26, 20, 18, and 16) I only felt need with my oldest over something I found out he sent a girl and things he was looking up online that were completely inappropriate for a 14 year old… or anyone (no, I'm not a prude)."

"I monitored him for a while, and he earned my trust back."

"Never had to check another phone yet."

"I would like them to have their privacy as long as they aren't breaking local, state, or federal laws. 😊." ~ HeatherM74

OP had a response...

"If I had a reason to check, I would (and my daughter is aware of this)."

"As for now, she doesn't show any signs and willingly comes to me about things."

"She's even shown me things people have sent her that are troubling (boys asking for things they shouldn't be at this age)."

"So, I trust her."

"If she did something to lose that trust, it'd be different."

"I don't know if Chloe did something for Gina to monitor."

"That's their business."

"That being said, even if I were to monitor my daughter's phone, I absolutely would not message her friends."

"That's where the 'weirdo' factor comes in for me."

"Not the monitoring but the talking to the friends."

Reddit continued...

"NTA - but if Gina's mum phones again to complain about your child, don't engage in a way that will draw out the conversation."

"Something like, 'I will parent how I see fit, as you do with your child. I don't appreciate you getting more involved than you already are.'"

"'I believe in fostering a self-reliance that will aid my child in becoming a strong independent adult, not policing their every action for any minor slights and infringements.'"

"'That's not how the real world works and not conducive to a healthy emotional state later in life.'"

"Gina's mum sounds like she needs a slap before Gina runs away for food and goes N[o] C[ontact]." ~ Both-Mud-4362

"NTA. Having a kid with this much internet access in today's world is wild, and parents deal with it differently."

"I wouldn't say Gina was in the wrong for monitoring her kid's texts, but her need to make you punish your daughter is excessive."

"If your daughter told her to 'f**k off' or called her something worse than a 'wierdo,' it might warrant a response, but if she insists on interacting with teenagers, she needs to accept that they might act like teenagers."

"I have a 12-year-old, and it drives me crazy that his friends don't just text once and wait."

"If he's not available, they will text constantly and incessantly."

"But if that's how kids interact, so be it, as long as they aren't being rude or inappropriate by more general standards, that's how it will be..." ~ imsowitty

"NTA. I'd tell your daughter to be wary of what she texts this friend."

"I would make her aware of what the mum revealed in terms of conversations."

"I'd suggest to call if needed instead of text (even at 45, I find that difficult though) and certainly not to engage if there were signs it was the mum instead." ~ StunnedinTheSuburbs

"Gina can parent how she wants, but she can't parent your child, especially when your child is in the right."

"She was being rude and is not being controlling of not only her daughter but yours as well, and that is something you need to put your foot down about."

"Avoiding doing so will negatively impact your daughter."

"Chloe is already going to flee at the first chance she gets."

"Why would you follow Gina's example? NTA." ~ Selfpsycho

"NTA. I have 14-year-old twins, and we have our own version of Chloe and Gina."

"Chloe is lovely, but because Gina is Gina, unfortunately, Chloe is a school-only friend."

"Meaning they can only speak to and spend time with Chloe at school and during school events."

"I hated doing it, and it was definitely a battle, but it was definitely a battle worth fighting." ~ Ready_Reveal4559

"NTA. I would NOT let my kid hang out/talk to Chloe anymore."

"Kids with parents like this end up being sneaky liars."

"Out of fear."

"Which will eventually rub off on your kid, if she/they want to do something but think you may not agree."

"They aren't going to tell you or ask you, they will just sneak around." ~ Zoocreeper_

"NTA, I don't agree with monitoring a child's phone unless there is a specific reason to."

"The things they talk about are literal normal conversations for teenagers."

"What are you supposed to ground your child for... having a crush?"

'For being frustrated at a teacher?"

"Chloe's mom should not be texting using Chloe's phone."

"If she wants to monitor, she should be doing that after Chloe goes to bed."

"It just sounds like Gina is big mad you aren't parenting like she is."

"Like her way is the right way." ~ bigshot33

"Seriously, Gina's acting like a controlling freak."

"And your husband's being clueless."

"You did the right thing defending ur daughter and calling out Gina's weird behavior."

"She needs to learn boundaries, and you shouldn't have to sugarcoat it." ~ Jadesparkk

"The only time I have texted my daughter's friends from her phone, she was grounded from her phone, and her notifications would not stop."

"I sent a simple message that she was grounded from her phone, and she would reply once she got it back."

"That made the texts and snaps stop. NTA." ~ AKlife420

"My mom and her friend would do this to me and my siblings on their telegram accounts."

"They had them all signed in on their phones and constantly checked everything we said."

"And now you wonder why I live out of state and don't really care if we talk or not."

"NTA. You're doing the right thing by giving her a safe place, based on how she talked to you when you brought it up with your daughter."

"She's being raised right and feels that you respect her space and took to heart what you said."

"Gina is crazy."

"I would probably tell your daughter to be a bit careful about what she says to Chloe over text, and remind her if she says it to Chloe her mom is going to see it and know the same things she tells Chloe."

"So just be careful." ~ Firefox15_

"NTA. You handled this situation very well."

"What you told your daughter was spot on."

"Gina is a total looney."

"I feel bad for Chloe." ~ Wild_Ticket1413

"NTA. Going through your kid's phone because you're worried is completely different from texting her friends."

"This is weird." ~ BSB*itch47

"NTA. Does she put a microphone on her daughter, too, and listen in when she's talking to her friends?"

"Teenagers need privacy; better to just talk with your kids if you want to know what they're up to." ~ Walking_wolff

"NTA. Gina does in fact, sound like a weirdo, and her continuing of this argument with a middle schooler doesn't help her case." ~ lucillebluth1213

OP came back with an update...

"It seems like Gina isn't going to allow Chloe to talk to my daughter anymore."

"Via text, anyway."

"My daughter feels confident they can still talk at school."

"So, hopefully, that'll cut coo-coo for Coco Puffs out of our lives."

Reddit has your back here, OP.

Gina sounds like a lot to handle.

She can parent however she wants, but she doesn't need to be insulting to others.

It sounds like the situation is resolved, at least on your end.

Let Gina be Gina, and move on.

Good luck.