We like to believe that those we love never truly leave us.
Even if they are no longer living on this earth.
But what about those whom we don’t miss terribly?
In that case, we tend to try and think of them as little as possible.
Even going so far as to rid ourselves of any mementos or keepsakes we may have of them.
Redditor Individual-Party1072 and their roommate had a falling out.
Resulting in the original poster (OP) all but completely losing contact with her.
However, the OP’s former roommate left behind a fairly significant personal belonging,
A belonging the OP wanted off her hands.
Wondering if they would be in the wrong for disposing of it, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA If I throw away someone’s remains if no one in his family wants his ashes?”
The OP explained their delicate situation:
“Long story short, roommate & I shared an apartment from 2018-2022.”
“She was separated from her husband when he died 2021.”
“He was cremated, ashes were mailed to her.”
“She kept him in a box in a closet in the laundry room.”
“2022 she bought an RV & moved to Brenham to be near her daughter & grandchildren.”
“She asked me to hold on to the ashes & a few other things, pics, clothing I agreed.”
“She couldn’t be near the ashes, they set her on edge & just rattled her.”
“We had a falling out over money, more than 5K.”
“I haven’t heard from her since September 2024.”
“I know she has some serious health issues she is dealing with, I really don’t want to talk to her, so my feelings aren’t hurt.”
“I reached out this his son in Feb 2025 about his father’s ashes on messenger.”
“He responded, but has made no effort to retrieve the ashes either.”
“Did I mention she also basically walked from her youngest son that she left living in an RV in my backyard?”
“What was supposed to be a short term favor has turned into 3 yrs of her 40-something schizophrenic bipolar w/audio hallucinations living on my 6 acres.”
“I would give him the ashes, but I don’t think he would handle it well at all & I don’t know what kind of episode it could trigger. He took the death badly as his whole world as he knew it ended.”
“He’s never lived on his own & he is not doing a very good job at it.”
“I threatened in February if no one made arrangements to come get these ashes I’m putting them in the dumpster.”
“AITA if I do?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community largely agreed that the OP would not be the a**hole for getting the ashes of their former roommate off their hands.
However, they also urged the OP not to dispose of the ashes completely but to send them either to their former roommate or her son, whether they asked for the ashes or not:
“NTA.”
“It sounds like you have done everything that you can do to contact the family and try to get the cremains to someone that can be responsible for them.”
“If no one in the family seems to care either way, there isn’t much left.”
“HOWEVER, I would recommend you think about this first.”
“Regardless of who this man was to you (or not to you, as you have shared), he is a human being that has passed on.”
“If you didn’t have any family or someone that cared enough about you and your remains, would you want to end up in a landfill?”
“My recommendation is that you reach out to each of the family members by certified post one more time (just in case later it comes up into a legal issue and you are accused of disposing of him without permission).”
“After that, if there is no interest or response in what the disposition of the ashes should be, then go somewhere beautiful and spread the ashes there – under a tree in the forest, in the ocean, etc.”
“Just make sure that there aren’t any ordinances or restrictions on doing so.”
“You might want to contact a few of the funeral homes around you and ask their recommendations on places to do this – I am sure they probably have the knowledge to let you know what is or is not permissible.”
“The point is, give the poor deceased man his dignity and a nice place to spend eternity – even if you didn’t know him.”
“Good luck!”- ATLBrysco
“I would reach out to his son, say ‘listen, do you want these ashes or do you want me to spread them somewhere nice and send you a photo of the place?'”
“If he doesn’t respond, you’re fine to do whatever you want.”
“As for the son living in your backyard, if there’s such a thing as Adult Protective Services where you live, I would call them.”
“NTA.”- Libba_Loo
“You’re NTA for wanting the ashes out of your house- but you would be if you dumped them in the bin.”
“If you have 6 acres, is there somewhere you can bury the ashes on your property?”
“And mark the place with a plant or a rock or a garden ornament of your choosing?”
“I say bury, not spread, because then if anyone ever did want to claim them you can tell them where to dig (I assume they are currently in a container of some sort).”
“I highly doubt anyone would come back for them after all this time, but this way you’re covered if it does happen, and either way the ashes are out of your house.”
“Good luck.”- Final-Call
“NTA.”
“But a woman was put in prison for throwing ashes out!”
“I would ask a funeral home first.”
“They are human remains!”- Slow_Obligation619
“NTA, but how about the daughter you mention in the text?”
“Did you reach out to her or did she have another father?”
“I think you should treat the ashes with respect, even if you had no connection to this person, it’s the decent thing to do. If no family wants it, you could spread the ashes somewhere nice, maybe in the ocean or in the woods if the regulations in your country admits to it.”- Jackonelli
“I personally couldn’t bring myself to throw them out.”
“I would reach out to the older, real estate son and ask for an address.”
“Then I would mail them to him.”
“NTA but man.”- Potential_Ad_1397
“NTA for wanting to get rid of them, but is there a brother or sister that would maybe like the ashes or some other relative?”
“I would try that first, this was someone so you would be an AH for throwing them in the garbage.”- cindy3003
“NTA.”
“Contact the local police department and report that a former roommate has abandoned her husband’s ashes/remains, and you’d like to turn them into someone official so they can be disposed of legally.”
“Also, call APS and speak to them about the son in the RV.”
“Let them know he isn’t being looked after, what his issues are, and that he’s taking the death of his father and the abandonment of his family towards him hard so you’re concerned for his well-being.”
“They should send someone out to see him for a wellness check and to help get him in touch with services to keep him going.”– MaskedCrocheter
Some, however, made it abundantly clear that the OP would definitely be the a**hole for dumping the ashes without consulting with her former roommate or her son:
“YTA if you put the ashes of a human person in a dumpster.”
“Seriously?”
“You think that’s okay?”
“Sprinkle them in a park or a lake or sneak them into an old cemetery.”
“Drop them off at a church and explain that you don’t want them but you’ve realized that only a monster throws a human being in a dumpster.”- unlovelyladybartleby
“YWBTA.”
“Because completely independent of the situation itself, there are simply better alternatives to throwing human remains in a dumpster.”
“If you’ve completely run out of options for returning the remains to the family, like just mailing them to the realtor’s son’s address (whether he wants them or not), then you can still scatter them somewhere that could be visited in the future and offer a moment of silence.”
“This won’t cost you anything and is a far less tragic resting place that won’t haunt your conscience or cause the family additional trauma should they ever wonder where his remains ended up or want to visit them.”
“It’s just the decent thing to do.”- Miscellaneousthinker
It’s understandable that the OP doesn’t want to hold on to the ashes of someone who meant nothing to her, and apparently meant nothing to the deceased family.
Even so, as the ashes are not really the OP’s to dispose of, they should probably look for alternative solutions.
Which, at the very least, would make the ashes someone else’s problem.
And hopefully, it wouldn’t destroy the dignity of the deceased.