Home is meant to be a safe place.
A place where one can leave their belongings and trust they're going to be there upon return.
But some houseguests don't always follow that feeling.
Redditor Human-Association909 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for kicking my B[oy]F[riend]'s mom out of my house?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (25 F[emale]) have been with my BF for 3 years now."
"A few months ago his mom came to the US from India and has been spending the last few months in the home we got together."
"It all started when I kept finding her rummaging through my clothes on multiple occasions (I don't work from home, and she doesn't have a job)."
"Then I started to notice my clothes go missing,g and I noticed she was slowly throwing my clothes away."
"I don't make a lot, so it was really upsetting to me to see my clothes in the trash (that's when I put 2 and 2 together)."
"After that, I confronted her and asked her to please stop."
"She claimed the clothes were too revealing for someone who will be a part of her family (they are Lulu Lemon athletic clothes I wear to the gym)."
"I told her I could wear what I wanted but that I would refrain from wearing the clothes in front of her."
"She stopped throwing the clothes out for a while but then started up again, and this time she actually started cutting them apart and throwing them out."
"I had had enough and got her a hotel room and put all her stuff in there when she and my BF were out one day."
"Now she is going back to India, and my BF is saying he's going to break up with me because I disrespected his mom."
"He asked me to move out (we both pay half of the rent right now), and I just feel a little guilty."
The OP was left to wonder:
"I know it is disrespectful in Indian culture but AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Good God, you have dodged a major bullet, my dear."
"First of all, you could have reported her to the police for what she was doing."
"Second, now you know you had a mama's boy on your hands — to the point that he said you were disrespecting her by not allowing her to cut up and throw your clothes into the trash?"
"Is this story even real?"
"Just let him go — and it can't be fast enough! NTA." ~ Less_Watch7655
"NTA. You caught a glimpse of what life would be like with him if you two got married."
"Consider it a bullet dodged." ~ Caspian4136
"NTA - she has no business violating your privacy, much less destroying and trashing your things."
"Your BF's reaction suggests that is what you will face in the future; he will prioritize his mother over you." ~ wesmorgan1
"No, your boyfriend is wrong."
"I wouldn't be fighting for a man who lets his mother destroy your property and speak to you that way."
"You didn't disrespect his mum, she disrespected you, and now so did he."
"You deserve better. NTA." ~ stevienicksballsack
"Your boyfriend's mother is throwing away clothes you bought with your money, but somehow you get the blame here?!?!?"
"NTA, and you dodging a bullet."
"Run, don't walk, or jog away from this relationship." ~ say_uncle914
"This was your future."
"Were you comfortable with that?"
"Move out and let him worry about rent. NTA." ~ Adorable-Growth-6551
"You weren't 'disrespectful to Indian culture.'"
"People from India don't get to come into your home, cut up your clothes, throw them in the trash, and then have the audacity to say you are disrespecting them." ~ Ilumidora_Fae
"If you have proof that she was destroying your property, press charges."
"Better yet, start throwing her stuff out."
"But also reach out to your landlord and inform them of this situation." ~ Altruistic_Tonight77
"Why should OP move out?"
"If you're both on the lease, you have equal rights."
"Find a roommate OP, he's the one who thought it was acceptable for his mother to steal your clothes."
"Also, send him an invoice for each and every item she stole."
"It's his responsibility to pay for his mother's thievery."
"He's lucky you don't have her arrested for theft and destruction of property."
"I would have filed a police report as soon as I found out."
"Go scorched earth, OP!"
"Don't let this AH get away with treating you like trash." ~ Remarkable_Sea_1062
"Absolutely! Let him move out."
"She's controlling you when she has no right to, and he's okay with that - which tells me he will probably get more controlling as the relationship progresses, as well."
"OP was not disrespectful."
"The mother was disrespectful by coming into her home and destroying her clothing."
'The fact that the boyfriend cosigned this behavior tells me that he shouldn't be OP's boyfriend any longer." ~ deathbystereo007
"Just to add to this (I'm an Indian woman), a lot of Indian men are like this."
"They always put their mom over their partner."
"OP dump him."
"And don't let him bully you about the house situation."
"If you pay rent, you have as much right to be there as him."
"Also don't make the mistake of thinking he will change. He won't."
"This is what he thinks is correct."
"Go put this story on an Indian marriage sub and see the reaction you get from men there."
"They completely agree that the wife is second to the mother (his mother obviously not hers)."
"You are 100% correct, but you need to leave him." ~ silverfairy5
"You are NTA."
"Do NOT MOVE OUT UNTIL you consult with a lawyer about what your rights are."
"Talk to your attorney about whether you can add the costs of the clothes that she threw out or ruined to your side of expenses."
"If not, file a small claims court action because Lulus is $$$."
"Move all of your stuff, including bedroom furniture, toiletries, clothes, etc., into the guest room and get a lock for the door."
"I would also get cameras for your room and wherever your property is that is too large to move into the guest room."
"Be sure to catalog all of your property as well as furniture, linens, etc., that you purchased together." ~ Little_Loki918
"No. Disrespecting his mother would've been you cutting up all her clothes and throwing them out as well as her."
"Not sending her, along with her stuff to a hotel."
"If your BF thinks you are the problem, then you are clearly with someone who not only allows his mother to disrespect you but doesn't deserve you."
"Do not excuse her acts or his behavior as cultural."
"She was invited as a guest into your home, then proceeded to violate your privacy by rummaging through your belongings and throwing away your clothes."
"Even after she was confronted, she doubled down and decided to destroy your clothes before throwing them out."
"YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!!"
"Never feel guilty for not allowing someone (doesn't matter who) to disrespect you, especially in your own home." ~ Ratchet_gurl24
"NTA, if you bought the home together, then be prepared for a legal battle, but in no way is this reasonable."
"You shouldn't feel guilty at all." ~ notadruggie31
"Breakup with him."
"His mom doesn't deserve your respect."
"You aren't married, you owe her nothing."
"I would ask her or her son to reimburse me for my clothes."
"File a police report."
"See to it that she pays a price for her meddling in things that don't concern her."
"You have no responsibility to adopt her culture in your house, in your country. "
"Move out."
"Let her idiot son pay the entire rent by himself." ~ deux-peches
"Indian here, what she was doing was very, very disrespectful."
"My grandma used to do this to my mom very early on, and my mom didn't want to talk to her, fearing she might be coming off as disrespectful, so my mom started to lock her cupboards when she would go out."
"After a point, she also started locking her room."
"I think after a few years of this, my grandma got the hint, so now, even if my mom leaves her cupboard open, grandma doesn't really do any of that."
"This was in India in the early 1990s."
"One would feel things would have changed after that as my grandma's thinking also changed, but nope."
"Some M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]'s are still as regressive."
"It's better you break up with your BF."
"He is not going to stand up for you ever."
"He is a mummy's boy. NTA." ~ practical-junkie
"Break up, don't move out, get the house valued by 3 different agents, then send the valuations to him via certified mail. He has 2 options: you sell and walk away with your equity, or one of you buys the other out."
"This was a glimpse into your future." ~ ToTheBrightStar
"NTA. But initially, you said you two bought the home together, and later, you said you split the rent 50/50."
"That part didn't make sense to me."
"In either case, work it out minus guilt trip."
"Yes, culturally, parents are very important and respected in India, and you could have spoken to him in the first instance to speak to his mom, but that doesn't entitle his mom to destroy your property."
"They are set in their ways, and this break up is a blessing for you." ~ notthatgreatrytnow
"NTA. But you might need to get a lawyer to discuss your options."
"DON'T move out."
"The relationship is over."
"Tell him he needs to move to a different bedroom until you are in agreement about what is happening with the house."
"If he's going to buy you out of your share of the house make sure you get the current equity out that you're entitled to."
"If you want to go nuclear tell him he needs to reimburse you for all of the clothes your mother stole."
"Always refer to it as stealing as that is what it was."
"Tell him that if he doesn't you'll press charges and file a lawsuit against her."
"If she has charges and a lawsuit against her in the US, that could affect her ability to travel here."
"You may not have actually to go this route; the threat of a lawsuit might be enough to get him to pay you." ~ blueswan6
"NTA. You say that you guys bought the house together."
"I assume you are both on the mortgage and the deed."
"He absolutely can't make you move out."
"But what was his opinion of his mother destroying clothes that you worked hard to pay for?"
"Sell the house and move on." ~ justloriinky
"NTA. American here but my wife and most of my social circle are N[on]-R[esident]-I[Indian] and nobody I know in our generation (millennial) would tolerate that."
"It's a common problem to have and would only get worse, especially if the dad got involved." ~ golden_boy
"Cultural sensitivity is a fine thing, but why do I always have to be the one who is sensitive?"
"We have sessions at work where we're taught how to relate to people from different cultures."
"I don't want to unintentionally offend anyone, and some of this is useful information, but if someone is offended to see the bottom of my shoe, I would tell them this is America."
"Nobody gives a fig about my feet, and no insult is intended." ~ newbie527
"NTA. This is NOT Indian culture."
"It's just an entitled, controlling woman and her son still tied to her apron strings."
"Good move getting her out of the home."
"Thank your ex for helping you see that he is not the guy for you and for breaking up with him."
"Invite him to pack his bags, too."
"He has no legal power to make you leave."
"You used the words 'bought' and 'rent' when discussing your home."
"If you two co-own the house, then you two have to decide if one of you is able to buy the other out."
"If you co-lease the place, then check into what the lease allows (e.g., subletting or one person taking on the lease solo)."
"I am mentally picturing the woman dragging her son by the ear back to India, so she can control who he ends up in a relationship with." ~ swillshop
"NTA. You both bought the house together, he should be the one leaving and not kicking you out."
"Bring our mom home and tell her to go through his clothes and start throwing his things out and cutting up his clothes like his mother did to yours, see how he feels about that." ~ Lazy_Palpitation_789
"NTA. It's his mother that caused the problem and he's the one that decided to break up with you, so he gets to walk, not you."
"Oh, and before he goes, tell him how much he owes you for the clothes his mother ruined or threw away." ~ Physical-Bear2156
"NTA. You don't want to marry into that."
"Your BF is upset that you wanted to keep your clothes and told his mom that."
"He is not upset his mom destroyed hundreds of dollars (probably thousands, given the brand) of your property." ~ Exciting-Peanut-1526
"NTA, you need to speak to an attorney ASAP."
"Don't move out, force a sale if you have to."
"If he makes any threats, tell him you'll press charges on his mom for destroying your property and will forward the police report to the US Consular section in India so they can cancel her visa."
"Tell him the US can find her inadmissible for committing crimes of moral turpitude, that will shut him right up." ~ Euphoric_Egg_4198
"I'm Indian, your BF has no spine. NTA." ~ ChiquitaBananaKush
"NTA, thank goodness you found this out before you married him." ~ NoHorseNoMustache
"NTA. Tell HIM to move out!"
"Also, you dodged a bullet."
"Now you never have to deal with her again." ~ Lilac-Roses-Sunsets
OP came back to chat...
"It sucks that this happened but I am going to accept the break-up and see a lawyer."
"I don't want to because I am obviously very in love with him still, and it is hard to throw away three years of dating, but I understand what I need to do."
This is outrageous behavior, OP.
She has no right to treat you this way.
Redditors are clear where they stand.
You deserve better. Stand your ground.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp