Tobacco is highly addictive due to the presence of nicotine. Eliminating the smoking aspect of tobacco was believed to remove all health risks, so nicotine gum, patches, vape cartridges, and pouches were developed.
While some of those products primarily appeal to people trying to wean themselves off tobacco, others are creating addicts who were never tobacco users.
But, what's the harm? Nicotine is also used in pest control to kill insects and small animals.
According to the National Institute of Health, ingestion of 1 to 2 mg of nicotine has been associated with signs of toxicity in young children.
Nicotine pouches are sold in varying strengths:
- Ultra Light: 1.5-2 milligrams
- Light: 3-4 milligrams
- Medium: 5-7 milligrams
- Strong: 8-10 milligrams
- Extra Strong: 11-15 milligrams
Even an ultra light pouch has enough nicotine to poison a toddler.
A mother concerned about her husband's nicotine pouches not being disposed of properly turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Thin_Ratio_1060 asked:
"AITA for being livid that I continue to find my husband's used nicotine pouches around the house, despite finding them in our toddler's mouth twice?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband used to be a heavy smoker. He gave up 10 years ago but has since taken up using oral nicotine pouches."
"I'm not super happy about it, but I can't control what he chooses to do with his life and health."
"The problem is, he can't seem to put them in the bin. I have found used ones on the bedside table, in his pockets, and twice I have removed them from our toddler's mouth (in there for less than 10 seconds, but 10 seconds too long)."
"Both times I lost it."
"We've had multiple conversations about it and he seems to understand the gravity of the situation, agreeing to dispose of them correctly, but then I find more a few weeks later."
"Tonight, one fell out of his pocket, and I gave him an ultimatum—get rid of them and never bring them into the house again, or I will leave."
"So AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I lost it at my husband for leaving nicotine pouches around the house even after our toddler put them in his mouth. I might be the a**hole because I told him I would leave him if I find them in the house again."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Bro, what? It's seriously insane that this has happened twice, and he still doesn't even seem to care. IT WAS IN YOUR BABY'S MOUTH!"
"I had to read the title of this post twice because the first time I was like, 'I must have read that wrong, that would be so dangerous'. But nope that's exactly what you're saying happened."
"Like, I've been a smoker for over 15 years, and I tried one of those once, and it made me feel so sick I had to leave the party early."
"He's putting your baby's health at risk in such an impactful way. Don't wait for this to happen again; leave now."
"I just realized you're talking about already used ones, and now I'm struggling not to vomit."
"OP see if you can get some record of him doing this and admitting to it before you inform him you intend to leave, this will be pivotal evidence in your upcoming custody battle."
"Don't f*ck around with half measures, or your child will end up in an unsafe situation when at Dad's house. The most this man should be allowed is supervised visits."
"I personally wouldn't even trust him to be in the house with your kid even when you're home." ~ AnarchoBabyGirl42069
"Those can... kill a child, I believe? This is beyond a marital dispute due to the husband's carelessness."
"This is like that case where the dad couldn't be arsed to watch his toddler, and the kid ran out onto the street while he was gaming on his console. This is neglect and child endangerment."
"OP used or not used, this is putting your child's health in danger, and if you don't step up, then YWBTA. This is not a question of who is the a**hole—this can be deadly for your child." ~ Mesapholis
"NTA, that'll be a fun trip to an emergency when the kid has nicotine poisoning." ~ GorditaPollo
"It'll be an even more fun visit from a social worker after the hospital reports the family for possible child neglect/abuse." ~ DonTreadOnMeIMADuck
"Assuming they ever make it that far. Nicotine is deadly poisonous and a truly nasty way to die. It also kills surprisingly quickly, and small children are already tricky medically."
"Kiddo could very easily die before an ambulance could arrive or they make it all the way to emergency ward." ~ Wise_Owl5404
"Also, those pouches would be a huge choking hazard, and then if swallowed, they could become an obstruction…. Not to mention how highly addictive nicotine is." ~ AMissKathyNewman
"I'm a grown adult who has been a nicotine consumer in some way or another for half of my life, and those things still give me an instant headache. The nicotine in them is so concentrated... I'm surprised the kid didn't suffer any ill effects." ~ stumpfer69
"Phrasing is important. 'I am leaving because I find your habit disgusting, and your poor housekeeping of it unpleasant' sounds like complete overkill. 'I am removing our child from this home because your repeated negligence is placing them in danger' is a pretty reasonable statement. NTA." ~ Nrysis
"Honestly, we are getting into the realm of CPS getting called. If you continually leave poison where a child can get to it, then it's a failure as a parent."
"Obviously NTA, but there needs to be a larger ultimatum—like why is your husband not throwing out spent pouches‽‽" ~ bmiller201
"OP, NTA but you will be the a**hole if you don't protect your baby from this drug."
"And this is so easy to prevent; he just has to carry two tins instead of one, and put the used ones in the empty tin."
"It happening once is a terrible, thoughtless accident. It should have put the fear of god in him."
"That he let it happen again means....I think you should ask him to leave—what other dangers will he leave around? God forbid you fall asleep, and he has to care for your child." ~ kimba-the-tabby-lion
"NTA - nicotine toxicity can be fatal." ~ ButtonsOnYachts
"NTA. Normally I think Reddit goes a little overboard on the leave your man thing, but I genuinely think you should consider it."
"If you've been looking for a reason, a sign, an agreement, this is it; if he can't take putting your baby in danger seriously, and it's happened more than once, then I very much doubt his negligence stops there."
"You shouldn't have to give him an ultimatum to not potentially kill your child."
"Ultimatums don't change anyone's mind, they only breed resentment and force someone to change a behavior against their will. He doesn't want to change." ~ CorrysCorner
"OMG, this hits close to home. Just asked my boyfriend to remove them from the bedside table, because baby is often in our bed and could potentially reach them..."
"They are gone now, and luckily enough, they are never to be found anywhere else, so I am hoping for the end of it because it puts unnecessary stress on us and puts baby in major danger."
"I would be livid, too. I suppose you could have approached it differently, but the boundary is necessary and fair. NTA."
"I suppose I'd just want to work it out in a different manner if the person was a good parent or partner otherwise. But, I think I take it back, an ultimatum in this case might be more than fair after several instances." ~ RabbitKid16
"NTA. I used to use nicotine gum when I nannied. Haven't used them in ages, but I would keep them locked up in a babyproof container in my purse that I kept up on the fridge."
"It's not hard to keep that stuff away from kids, it's about putting multiple layers of babyproofing so that the likelihood is practically zero."
"Honestly, I would pack your bags and leave. The fact this has happened multiple times goes to show how little he cares about keeping your child safe."
"If he could let a toddler get ahold of nicotine pouches, then something worse could also happen. A toddler getting ahold of a nicotine pouch is already terrible, so something worse could be fatal." ~ Old_Kiwi_9400
"Why should OP be inconvenienced? Husband is so selfish and addicted, he doesn't care if baby gets sick. He leaves." ~ Bobloblaw878
The OP provided an update.
"Thank you all for your responses. I will absolutely be following through with the ultimatum if I ever find a pouch or tin in the house again."
"I'm feeling incredibly guilty that I didn't give it to him sooner. He isn't a deadbeat dad or husband—he's a very active father, shares the housework and mental load, and works hard on self-improvement constantly."
"He does have ADHD (as someone suggested), but this doesn't excuse the behavior. I've just seen him battle SO hard to do simple things that neurotypicals consider easy, and life has been a pretty big uphill battle for him until his diagnosis."
"All this to say I won't be leaving him immediately, but I've shared your responses, and he's currently crying outside as he's so ashamed and guilt-ridden."
"He's a really good human being, and I witness every day how much he has to work to make positive changes… this is just one of those situations where I can't be patient with him anymore—it's too big a risk."
"Hence the ultimatum. I will help him to put measures in place so that it doesn't happen again. I love him, and I want him to succeed here."
Hopefully this is the push the OP's husband needs to motivate him to change his habits.
ADHD can lead to missed or forgotten tasks, but when an activity is something dangerous and ADHD is interfering with other people's safety, the only option is to eliminate the activity.
If the OP's husband repeatedly left loaded guns lying around, it wouldn't be dismissed as, "Oops! ADHD." This shouldn't be either.
If he cannot safely participate in a hobby or habit without endangering others, he needs to stop that activity completely.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp