A person may no longer wish to associate with certain aspects from their past for a variety of reasons. If there are memories they find painful or traumatic, for example.
But if their pain is someone else’s happy memory, it can become difficult to know the right thing to do.
A mother trying to navigate such a situation with their son turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Retreat11 asked:
“WIBTA for not deleting my son’s baby pictures?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My son (18, male) transitioned from a female to a male about 4-5 years ago. I (45, female), myself, thought that it’s a little too early to start transitioning, but I didn’t say anything and decided to be supportive.”
“After all, that’s my child!”
“Anyway, a few days ago, my son saw me scrolling through my camera roll and yelled at me because I was tearing up at his baby pictures, where he was still dressed extremely femininely and was obviously a girl.”
“At the time I started looking at the photos, my son was in his room. The only reason he even knew I was looking at them is because he came out for a snack.”
“I didn’t see a problem with it at the time, but after seeing his reaction, I thought differently. Everything is mediocre now, still some tension.”
“I wasn’t crying because he isn’t a girl anymore, I was crying because time flies! He told me that by me keeping those photos as memories, I am totally disregarding the fact that he is no longer a girl and I am transgender phobic.”
“At the time I started looking at the pictures, my son wasn’t nearby. I would never look at those around him because that’s a big boundary of his.”
The OP later added:
“I don’t appreciate the transphobic backlash directed at my son. Please keep those harsh opinions off of him.”
“My heart was saddened by this, because that is the last thing I will ever be. I have open arms to anyone and everyone.”
“I personally believe that it’s not fair for me to delete the photos because those are some of the only memories I have of him when he was an infant/kid. Please give me some feedback if I’m the a**hole or not, and whether I should delete them.”
“I don’t need any transphobic bullsh*t.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I may be judged for disregarding my son’s wants. I may be the a**hole because I feel as if I am making my son feel less of a man by keeping them.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA—even if you were crying over the change, that’s allowed too. You support your son, but it’s normal to grieve what you lost too.”
“But what it could come down to is that you’re allowed to keep your memories. Your son is a young man.”
“18 years ago he was a baby, but that changed. Looking at baby pictures doesn’t make him a baby now. Looking at pictures when he presented as a girl doesn’t make him a girl now.”
“I think it’s fair that he request that you not look at those photos around him because he’s allowed to be upset by them. I think it’s unreasonable to demand you delete those photos just because they upset him.”
“But given that he wants you to delete them rather than just keep them away from him, that’s unreasonable.” ~ Electrical-Bat-7311
“NTA. I’m a 27-year-old FTM [trans man] who started transitioning at 21.”
“My mom has photos of my senior photoshoot up in her office. She has tons of baby pictures saved in a binder and looks at them sometimes. She reminisces about me growing up and often shares photo memories with me.”
“It took a looong time for us to get here, where I’m comfortable seeing any of them, let alone let them be shared (the photos in her office).”
“It’s understandable for you to be conflicted about this. And I think it’s understandable for him to be upset by seeing them.”
“I used to be very upset by reminders of the past; I had to go through years of therapy and growing up to be able to appreciate them for what they are and what they mean to my mom.”
“Talk to him and ask him what bothers him about you looking at baby photos. What can you do to help ease his hurt while also letting yourself enjoy the memories you have?”
“Ask him what compromise you guys can come to when it comes to photos of him when he was younger. Try to understand where he’s coming from and what those photos may mean to him personally, too, though.”
“Whatever his answer is, please have an open mind to his experience as a transitioning youth.” ~ transiiant
“NTA. HOWEVER, this is worth a therapy appointment or two to help bridge the gap.”
“I totally understand that seeing pics of your baby and looking at him now makes you emotional because you probably can’t believe this many years have passed and that baby you’re seeing in the pictures is a grown man.”
“Having said that, I hope that you are able to understand that your son might be hurting right now because, to him, that baby is not him, but another person from your past that he found you being emotional over. His feelings of dysphoria must be affecting him a lot.”
“Now, I think an honest conversation would do both of you some good. Tell him that you love and accept him as he is, that you never meant to hurt him but that, while you do accept him, those are treasured memories of your little boy before you knew he was a boy.”
“Maybe ask him if he would be interested in helping you look for some baby pictures that are a bit more gender neutral that he would be comfortable seeing and letting you put in a portrait or something. You could maybe explore the idea of finding a couple of pictures you could try to lightly photoshop to make him a bit more boyish?”
“Good luck! I hope you and your son can move forward healthily and that things get better soon!” ~ effinperfect2012
“NTA. I have a trans adult child. I have their pictures before they transitioned. I have asked if they bothered them. They said yes, so I respectfully put them away.”
“I made a deal with them. I will keep them for myself. For memories of their childhood, but won’t share them. I want to remember my children.”
“Just because they transitioned does not mean that child does not exist anymore. It just shows how they have changed and evolved as a person. They agreed.”
“My child is 25. Not 18. So a little more aware of the larger picture.”
“Put them on a flash drive. Save them somewhere you can have them. Your son might just want to see his life and his growth when he’s older.” ~ Irresponsable_Frog
“NTA. I’m lucky that my nephew LOVES his baby photos and is comfortable that he was once identified as a little girl. I raised the question with him very sensitively though, and this was how I found out how he felt.”
“Had he told me he couldn’t stand those photos, I would simply keep them to myself privately.” ~ tsj48
The OP provided a small update.
“As of right now, I’m going to book some therapy appointments for us. Together.”
“For me , to understand better. For him, to feel accepted and know the people around him support, love, and accept him the way he is.”
“I don’t express to my son that i’m sad he’s not a girl anymore, but at some moments it does make me sad that I couldn’t enjoy the teenage years with my daughter, but a son.”
“Obviously, I love the new version of him as well. I just wish it wasn’t so complicated to feel this way.”
“If I’m being honest with you, deep down—like DEEP down—I do feel sad that I no longer have a daughter. But, I love my son the same if not more. It’s an honor that I’ve been able to raise him.”
“I wouldn’t call it mourning—I would call it admiring the innocence and moments back then. ‘Mourning’ is a silly term to use for that and I feel like it is kind of offensive to use it out of respect for parents mourning their child’s death.”
“My son is obviously not dead, and I feel like seeing who you were before can make you realize that they are the reason for who you are now if that makes sense.”
“Am I happy with this incident? No, I’m a bit sad and guilty. Is this just one bad day out of a great life that I have? Hell, yeah.”
“My son is one of the greatest things that has happened to me. His sister, my late daughter, was one of the greatest things that has happened to me. My husband is THE greatest thing that has happened to me.”
“As parents, all we can do is live and learn. When my son first told me he was transgender, the ONLY thing I could think of was the Transformers and I literally thought he was telling me he wants to be one of those.”
“It took me to ask him what he is talking about to finally understand. Probably one of the most happiest, saddest, and funniest moments I’ve ever experienced. Over the years, I’ve learned. It’s been hard, but I think I’ve got the hang of it.”
“My son transitioned during the time I lost his sister—my daughter. So when I first thought my (was) daughter wanted to be a Transformer, it made me laugh for the first time in weeks. Then when he really told me what he meant, things got serious and tears came back.”
“But that slim second of laughter was the only thing I needed to keep on going.”
“My son tried to give himself a haircut about a month after coming out. Once again, while I’m still grieving the loss of my other child.”
“He failed-MISERABLY. It was so funny and we were both on the floor laughing! And that was a genuine laugh from me. I fixed it up for him and he liked it.”
“After every down, came 5 more ups. My son being transgender was responsible for all 5 of those ups.”
Sitting down with a good therapist sounds like a good idea.
It can give this mother and son the space to openly discuss how they feel. Honest communication—in a safe environment—is rarely a bad idea.