Coming out as trans is currently a difficult affair in the United States. Legislators are making it more and more difficult for trans kids, in particular, to be honored as their gender. Parents often continue to make the situation difficult as well.
One trans Redditor, UnGeneric_Human, found himself in a situation where his parents were unsupportive of his transition, so he took matters into his own hands. He now fears retaliation from his parents.
In order to make sure he'd made the right choice, he went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" for feedback from objective strangers.
He asked:
"AITA For buying a binder behind my parents backs?"
Our original poster, or OP, talked about the circumstances surrounding his transition:
"I am 15, and trans ftm [female to male]. My dad has known this for almost 2 years, my mum has known for almost a year."
"Both of my parents are very against the idea of me getting a chest binder (to make my chest flatter and hide boobs) and don't let me explain why I want one without looking extremely annoyed and causing me to deny everything and stop the conversation immediately."
"The same happens any time trans topics are mentioned, they start denying my identity and try to stop the conversation."
He has been resorting to less healthy and comfortable methods of binding:
"A couple months ago I had enough money to buy myself a binder and my friend used her card to pay for it."
"My parents still don't know this but are recently becoming more and more suspicious about the possibility of me owning one."
"I know for a fact that i will be in a sh*t tonne of trouble if they find out."
"I know that they told me explicitly they didn't want me getting one, but I was desperate and damaging myself out of desperation to be comfortable. I still have obvious marks from my previous mistakes."
And OP's parents are really making the situation more difficult for him:
"My parents say they support me but act differently."
"They don't use my name or pronouns, still try to make me be feminine, point out feminine things about me and seem to try and forget that I've come out to them. I'm becoming angrier about it recently and I'm not proud of it."
"I tried to not bind but it's difficult and I can't handle it."
"I did a good thing in terms of my health by getting a proper binder and not using what I did previously, but I also went against what my parents said and I know that wasn't the right thing to do."
"But am I the a**hole for this?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Reddit agreed that OP did what he had to do.
"NTA. While long term binding can be dangerous, as long as you're being safe and not binding for too long, in your sleep etc, you should be just fine."
"I'm sorry your parents aren't being supportive - are you seeing a therapist or a counselor? I recommend finding one who is friendly to LGBT - especially T - issues, as it can help immensely with your personal life too."
"I'm glad you know about binder safety! Please continue to be safe about binding as that can then lead to safe top surgery if you elect to do so in the future. Good luck, dude!"-roxadox
"NTA, but I wanted to jump in on this comment, as your parents aren't supporting you, you need someone who you can trust and talk to, a good therapist or counsellor can be that person, and help you find your way."
"The world really needs to understand that people need to be themselves and not be annoyed or pressure others to deny themselves."
"So, be the you that you are comfortable and happy with, let the world come to acceptance of you! But, please be safe, the world needs you in it, and would be less of a happy place if you hurt yourself because your parents were unaccepting and you couldn't do things properly."-ARbldr
"If legit counseling/therapy is not a possible thing atm, try looking into your local LGBTQ+ resource center."
"Some will have all ages support groups that meet after school. It's not the same as actual treatment, but definitely a step in the right direction for OP to be able to talk about the issues they're going through."
"I'm so sorry your family is not supportive of your transition, and I hope after some time they learn to embrace you as you are."
"Also, NTA. You're taking your mental health and gender affirmation into your own hands in a way that you can control."-PluvianAmare
"NTA op, they clearly aren't supporting you if they aren't respecting your pronouns and name, you need to look after your mental health if your parents aren't."
"I'm sure you already have because you mentioned past mistakes but in case you haven't look up binding and do your research, just because it's a proper binder doesn't mean there aren't risks involved with binding still. Be safe."
"I'm sorry your parents aren't supportive ❤️"-WeeMan0701
And people are specifically calling out OP's parents and their lack of support.
"NTA. When you are transgender, it is necessary to make yourself feel as much as the gender you're transitioning to/that you are as you want to/can, so that your mental health isn't destroyed."
"If this is what you need, then go for it. Your parents shouldn't ignore your needs like this. I'm sorry about your """supportive""" parents not wanting you to be happy as the person that you really are."
"Remember to bind safely!"-daaaaanica
"NTA contact your GP practice and change the contact details to yours, this means that your parents won't get the reminders about your appointments and it won't be the number/email that the hospital or GP practice contact you on."
"If you want to you can arrange for a password/phrase to keep your medical details confidential so information cannot be given out without the correct password/phrase being given."
"This is to stop your parents cancelling your appointments, finding out what you've been talking about or messing around with your medication."
"Then get a phone call or face to face appointment with your GP, explain that you want to be referred to the gender dysmorphia clinic."
"You'll wait a while to be seen but you will be seen. At 16 you can easily be seen by the nurse or GP without your parents being present or aware of the details."-randomnurse
"NTA. your identity is your identity. If a binder makes it easier for you to deal with dysphoria, you should be able to wear one (safely, with breaks, not more than 8 hours, not too tight, but you know the drill)."
"I hope you have other people in your life that are more supportive."
"And let me tell you this: IT GETS BETTER!!! you'll grow up, you'll move out and you'll do whatever the f**k you want."
"I know this is hard right now. And it sucks that your family isn't supportive. As soon as you are old and financially independent enough to move out, things will change."
"You can choose your own family when you get older. I wish you all the best."-Zombie-Giraffe
"NTA: Binding is not a permanent body modification, is worn completely under clothes, and will improve your mental health."
"Please follow safe binding guidelines so as not to cause injury (only wear it for a few hours, never work out in one, etc.) and if your parents do find it, maybe refer to it as a sports bra?"-FallOnTheStars
And while folks are sure OP did what he needed to do, they reminded him to bind safely!
"Hey dude, 22 ftm here. What you are doing isn't wrong. Your parents may say they are not transphobic but they are."
"The refusal to use your name and pronouns is awful and I'm sorry. As long as you are binding as safely as you can then that's all that matters."
"If possible you might need to hide your binder at your friend's or something similar. NTA"-sharktoothmegatron
"NTA you did what you needed to do for your mental health. Stay safe and look into resources for lgtbqia+ youth in your area."
"Hopefully they'll have a support group or maybe free counseling services. I think meeting with peers who understand your struggles (unsupportive parents) might be really helpful."
"You NEED and DESERVE support."-roser1994
"NTA, even if u were feminine that doesn't make u any less trans, femboys are a thing however binding can be dangerous, just be careful with it."
"Be yourself if u want masculine things it's probably best to buy it yourself in case your parents say no or get u a feminine thing instead. Btw Happy Pride Month, you're valid!"-DodgeGrandCaravan_Me
"I wish there was something I could say to improve this situation. That I could snap my fingers and make everything better for this young man. I can't."
"I don't have the words, knowledge, or experience of others who have posted here so thoughtfully and eloquently."
"OP know that you are NTA and that your long lost, hitherto unknown uncle from across the pond is in your corner."-sebbohnivlac
OP is ultimately in charge of his identity. Not his parents, though they may think they are.
He took charge of his identity in finding a binder. And regardless if his parents are angry about it, he did the right thing for himself.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp