We’ve all heard the advice to “not play favorites” among children, whether they are our children, nieces and nephews, grandchildren, or even students in class.
But it’s rare that people will actually not play favorites, or at least not make their favorite kid obvious, side-eyed the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Curls_Galore had her triplet sons around the same time her sister-in-law had her nephew, and she became increasingly concerned about all of the attention her in-laws gave exclusively to her nephew but not her triplets.
When they refused to compromise and try to work on the situation, the Original Poster (OP) considered gradually cutting them out of their lives, starting with the triplets’ next birthday party.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not inviting my in-laws to my triplets’ birthday party?”
The OP had premature triplet boys and inconsistent support.
“My (28 Female) husband (29 Male) and I welcomed a set of triplet boys that were born so prematurely, we were told to not expect them to survive.”
“My SIL was also pregnant at this time and carried her son to full term.”
“Anyway, after a very very long NICU stay and many appointments, all three boys are home and doing very well!”
“My parents have been very involved with the triplets’ care, and if it weren’t for them, I would have probably lost my mind a while back.”
“My in-laws, however, have not been. During the lengthy NICU stay, they were constantly there and making promises that since we had triplets and obviously needed more help they were going to be there as soon as I sent a text.”
Once the babies were home, the OP’s in-laws disappeared almost entirely.
“After about two months of all three of the boys being home, my in-laws completely stopped helping whatsoever. They don’t call or text to check in on the boys or my husband and me.”
“It’s like we don’t even exist unless they need a new photo to post on Facebook to seem like super grandparents to four kids born around the same time.”
“Now my father has vision issues and my mother is wheelchair bound, but they are texting me every single day, asking about me, my husband, and the boys. They ask how they can help, trying to schedule date nights for my husband and I to reconnect, showing up to appointments with me when my husband has to work so I don’t have to bring in all three kids solo. I am very thankful.”
“My MIL is retired and my FIL works in a big company. I understand that my FIL works a lot and has a busy job and I don’t expect them to take the boys every day. They claim that it’s too hard to watch all three kids solo so they can’t be involved.”
The OP was concerned about favoritism.
“Now my nephew was born full term and is your normal one-year-old, and my in-laws are very much involved with him. They have pictures of him all over their house, he has his own private room at their home, and they even have multiple photos albums of just him in each room of their house.”
“My FIL has taken off work before just to spend time with my nephew plenty of times.”
“I pulled my in-laws to the side a few times to discuss favoritism, and they swear up and down that’s not it, it’s just easier to deal with just one kid.”
“I very much understand that and I would like to clarify I don’t expect anyone to watch my children because they’re my responsibility, but I don’t think it’s fair to be there for one child and not the rest. We all live within five minutes of each other so travel isn’t an issue either.”
“I was told that they can’t help out with them unless it’s one baby at a time. They did that one time for each kid five months ago and it’s been radio silence since.”
The OP considered distancing her family from her in-laws.
“My boys turn two this April and we are currently planning the party. I told my husband that I don’t think they deserve to be invited to their birthday party this year.”
“My husband is on board but we know that if we go through with this, it will be a blow-up so big there will be no turning back from this at all.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some recommended petty reactions to the in-laws not attending the party.
“NTA.”
“I’d say, ‘Sorry for not inviting you. It’s just easier to deal with one set of grandparents at a time, and the kids actually have a relationship with my parents. Since more than one child will be there, we didn’t think you would want to be involved anyway.'”
“I’m a petty b***h, though, with no patience for bulls**t.” – idontcarewhatiuse
“Tell them you’d invite them but you know they’d only attend a party for one kid at a time and you’re not having three parties. NTA.” – Ok_Stable7501
“Invite them, but have a photo book printed up of the kids over the last year. Share it around during the party. Make sure there are lots of pics of your parents, and none of your in-laws.”
“They’ll be mad when they notice, but they’ll have no one to blame but themselves.” – swbarnes2
“In-laws love the idea of the triplets as props for their friends to praise them about without actually developing the relationship. They’re the type to brag about the triplets because of the rarity factor.”
“I may be petty for wanting to test them, but I’d not invite them just to see if they’d be interested in establishing a relationship afterwards. If not, then you know it was never about them wanting to connect with the kids; it was always about their egos.” – zenFieryrooster
Others reassured the OP she was NTA about the ‘point of no return.’
“The OP said, ‘it will be a blow up so big there will be no turning back from this at all.'”
“Then that’s what you have to decide – is this desirable to you? I mean, five months with NO contact, but they’ll pitch a fit if they aren’t invited to the boys’ party? Sounds like all they want is pics they can show off on social media and then you won’t hear from them til next year.”
“The important part should be developing relationships with their grandkids but apparently they’re not interested. So NTA whether you invite them or not.” – FirOrFat-1999
“OP has that wrong, the point of no return was when they blew off their blatant favoritism. At that point, the onus becomes solely on them to put in the effort.”
“Don’t invite them, post the heck out of it on (private) social media, and make sure there are lots of photos with OP’s parents and all three kids. Caption: ‘four hands and three handfuls!'” – Beth21286
“I invited my parents to dinner once when my kids were very young. My mother declined as she said it was too far to drive (about 45 minutes).”
“However, she and my dad would visit my brother and sister-in-law frequently and they also lived about 45 minutes away. I never invited them again. Their loss. NTA.” – Beginning_Squash8648
“They can claim it’s not favoritism but there’s definitely something going on, because there’s nothing stopping your in-laws from making photo albums of your children and putting up photos of your children alongside the other grandchild.”
“Even if they’re not around to take the photos themselves, they can get photos from you via Facebook, Instagram, or email. I put all of my kids’ photos on a private online website and gave my inlaws access.”
“NTA. I’m a big fan of children having lots of family support, but not if that family doesn’t value them. How are they going to feel in a few years when they go visit FIL and MIL and just see their cousin everywhere?” – RedditWidow
“How long will this go on? What happens when the boys are old enough to be hurt by the favoritism? They start to internalize this kind of crap much sooner than we think.”
“I think I would just be done and block them. If they have a problem too bad You tried to bring it up so with no change to the behavior it is better for your family’s well-being to not foster harmful relationships.”
“Because it is too hard for you and hubby to have to deal with four parents. Three is too much too. They should be fine they have one that can come and stay in the special grandparent room that is all for him!” – Momof41984
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“First and foremost, I thank each and every one of you for replying, from the kindest messages offering advice all the way to the ones who left a few cold words.”
“For some deeper information to help answer a few questions, I have no idea if my SIL and BIL know what’s taken place. We’re not very close and she was upset that ‘my pregnancy overshadowed hers.’ My SIL is my husband’s sister, so I do understand that his side of the family would be a bit closer/ more eager to help.”
“My relationship with my MIL and FIL’s personally is not very great due to the fact that they did not like the fact that we are an interracial couple, I am Cuban and my husband is white. That’s a story for another time but I stay respectful and diplomatic for the kids and my husband.”
The OP’s husband attempted to connect with his parents about the situation.
“My husband read many replies and agreed with many of you that he should be the one to approach this issue. He reached out to his parents the next day and asked them to meet him for lunch to catch up while my parents and I handled the triplets.”
“They met for lunch, caught up, and everything was going great. While they were leaving the restaurant, my husband decided it would be best to mention the party in a non-threatening way, so he asked them something along the lines of if they would like to help us pick out decorations for the birthday party just so they could feel involved.”
“They immediately shut it down, and after a small heated discussion, they finally laid it out on the table.”
“They only expected to have to deal with one or two grandchildren, not four all at once. He agreed that it was a lot and tried to meet them halfway once more, saying that there was no rush and that we would work around their schedule and try and plan some one-on-one days with the kiddos in rotation so they don’t feel overwhelmed. They could let us know when they want to be involved just to keep the relationship alive.”
“They shut that down and plainly said that they just can’t deal with it anymore and want no part of it, that since we’ve been managing fine without them, we can continue to do so.”
After that, the OP and her husband focused on their chosen family instead.
“My husband left right then and there, and our boys have since gained two sets of honorary grandparents from family friends and a few honorary aunts and uncles so they won’t miss the love at all.”
“My nephew loves being around the triplets on the few occasions he can be, and he will always be welcomed with open arms and invited any time he can be.”
“Thank you all for your advice, and to the ones going through something similar, thank you for reaching out to me and giving me strength.”
Fellow Redditors were disgusted by the in-laws and relieved that they were out of the picture.
“I doubt it has to do with them being triplets, I think that’s just their excuse so they’re not labeled racists.” – little_Druid_mommy
“The triplets thing is such a ridiculous excuse! Having triplets is SO rare and such a grandparents’ flex so I don’t buy that being the reason. They’re such plain racist.” – UnusualPotato1515
“Sorry they suck, but your husband tried.”
“But ‘my MIL and FIL’s personally is not very great due to the fact that they did not like the fact that we are an interracial couple. I am Cuban and my husband is white.'”
“If they have an issue with your interracial marriage, then they have an issue with your interracial children. It’s better your kids don’t have anything to do with them. You don’t want them to give them racial comments or give them backhanded compliments.”
“I have a feeling that it’s not about being overwhelmed but that they are a different race.”
“I would cut your losses and just cut them out completely and not invite them to anything. Don’t send them photos. I wouldn’t even talk to them if I were your husband; I would hope that was his last straw with them and goes no contact with them.”
“Honestly, I wish my dad stopped talking to his mom from the beginning she was awful she wasn’t even racist just an awful person.”
“I’m glad you have other people who are willing to step up your child will be loved.” – This_Statistician_39
“I’m glad your husband went without you. His circus and they are his monkeys to deal with.”
“Wasn’t it a nice surprise when the trash decided to take itself out? No more wondering. No more worries. Move on with your life and don’t give them another thought.”
“It sounds like your family is surrounded by love and your triplets will be better off not knowing them at all.”
“I suggest calling them by their first names and referring to them as your father’s parents. Never use grandparents as their title. They have done nothing to deserve it.” – tattoovamp
The subReddit empathized with the OP about not really wanting a babysitter but simply wanting the grandparents to be involved in her children’s lives like they were in her nephew’s.
If the in-laws wanted to improve their relationship with their triplet grandchildren, they’d need to do that on a typical day, before they could be invited to another birthday party.