Having a baby is a HUGE responsibility.
It feels like a large portion of parents seem to ignore that fact.
Some people throw caution to the wind and make another human.
This isn’t always the best life decision.
There usually is no perfect time to have a baby.
But there are definitely perfect times to not.
Right?
Redditor throwaway_Smile_9509 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA if I told my brother he and his G[irl]F[riend] should not have a baby?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (20 F[emale]) brother (24 M[ale]) and his girlfriend are apparently trying for a baby.”
“Here’s the thing, my brother is a high school dropout, he doesn’t work, he isn’t back in school, he doesn’t do anything basically but go out with his friends and smoke weed all day.”
“His girlfriend doesn’t really have a stable job either; she’s a ‘hairstylist’ who has one client every month.”
“My brother and his girlfriend both live in our mother’s basement.”
“My mom enables the behavior; she doesn’t tell him to get a job, go back to school, or do anything productive.”
“When I found out they were trying for a baby, I immediately thought, why, when they have no source of income, no space for a baby, and neither of them is emotionally mature enough to raise a child, considering they’re in a toxic relationship where they break up every month and constantly cheat on each other.”
“I told my mother she needs to tell them they shouldn’t be trying for a baby because of all these reasons.”
“She just said they’re two adults who can make their own decisions.”
“I feel like it’ll seem like I’m being judgmental or unsupportive, but this isn’t just about him.”
“This is about a human child they’ll potentially be screwing up by bringing them into this world unprepared.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“WIBTA if I told my brother he should not have a baby?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WOULD be the A**hole.
“Your concerns are 100% valid.”
“Bringing a child into a chaotic, unstable environment affects more than just the parents.”
“That said, telling someone they ‘shouldn’t have a baby’ is a conversation that can go south really fast, especially coming from a sibling.”
“If you do say something, keep it focused on concern for the child’s well-being, not judgment of their lifestyle.”
“But ultimately, you can’t stop them all; you can do is voice your worries with compassion and hope they listen.” ~
“Don’t waste your breath.”
“YWBTA if you thought relaying to him the simple rational outcome of this situation would make him have some major change of heart.”
“Obviously, he’s not capable of adult reasoning.”
“However, you could get it on record with both him and your mom that in no way will you be stepping in to help with childcare or their future expenses if they insist upon doing something so outrageously dumb.”
“Let them screw up their own lives.” ~ spaetzele
“Instead, talk to them in a friendly way about what they see themselves doing in two years, five years, ten years.”
“Ask them about how much money they would like to make next year, ideally, and what kind of job they would like to get them that money.”
“Don’t have opinions, just draw them out like you are musing idly about it.”
“If they bring up a baby, ask if they have medical insurance, and then casually ask them to look up how much it would cost without insurance as if you are just curious.”
“Ask if she’s afraid of tearing or having stitches and stretch marks.”
“And so on.”
“Get them thinking.” ~ Spare_Ad5009
“If you are close enough to them to feel comfortable, try asking them some leading questions.”
“Like, ‘where would the baby sleep?'”
“’Have you priced out things like diapers, strollers, and other baby gear? How about medical insurance and doctor visits for the baby?’”
“Make it very clear that you will not be available for babysitting or loaning money.”
“After that, all you can do is feel sorry for the kid.” ~ chicagok8
“This. Make them think about the reality of having a baby.”
“How are they going to manage and afford it?”
“And be VERY firm that you will not be free help, if they pay you fairly, maybe consider helping.”
“But absolutely NO money will be lent/given to help out.”
“If they are doing this, they need to stand on their feet and do it.” ~ lotteoddities
“I don’t think this is an AH situation.”
“You’re absolutely correct that they aren’t in a good position to start a family, but I can’t imagine they will take what you say to heart.”
“You’re better off staying out of it for now, BUT if they bring it up to you (and definitely if they announce their ‘happy news’), take that opportunity to go on record that you will not be helping… if you don’t plan to, that is.”
“No need to shame or judge; just be matter-of-fact about it.” ~ WelfordNelferd
“ESH, respectfully, you just sound naive, thinking that telling him is going to have any kind of an impact at all.”
“The only thing that’s going to happen is they’re still going to continue to do what they want to do and now be angry at you.” ~ adventuresofViolet
“You are a sensible AH, not your circus, not your monkeys.”
“If you are worried about your mother having to support them, the same thing she told you, she is an adult, she knows what she is doing.” ~ Naka_kuro
“Your opinion isn’t wrong.”
“But there’s no point in telling them this.”
“They’re going to do what they want, anyway.”
“It’s not like they don’t know where they live, what their job situation is, or what their relationship is like.”
“All that will happen is they’ll get mad at you.”
“I’m going to have to go with a soft YTA, just because you really have no say in this situation.”
“But again, you aren’t wrong.” ~ chicagoliz
“YWBTA if you are expecting your advice to matter to someone in his situation who still wants to have a baby.”
“This is in your sphere of concern, but not in your sphere of influence.”
“If he talks to you about his plans, ask logical questions about how he’s planning to manage with a child.”
“You can toss in a, ‘because once that baby gets here, it’s all you.'”
“Often, people who make these types of decisions expect others to fill in the gaps because they are family or friends.”
“But in the end, he might still make the decision no matter what you say.” ~ SnooRegrets6269
“YWBTA because it’s not going to do anything.”
“Do you think they don’t know their situation?”
“If they ask your advice, then by all means give it to them, but unsolicited advice is just going to fall on deaf ears.” ~ keesouth
“If you do that, like that, I think YWBTA, but I think it is reasonable if you, instead, just ask them or him some questions and try to make them see why it is a complicated scenario.”
“But you should not tell them ‘you should not do that’ because they are adults and you are nobody to tell them what they should or should not do.”
“If they insist, I also suggest making it clear that you are not going to financially help them or babysit for free or things like that.” ~ La10deRiver
“YTA. It’s not that you don’t have valid concerns, but telling someone that they should not have a baby never ends well for the person initiating the talk.”
“How do you think that will actually go?”
“You are being judgmental and unsupportive.”
“Your Mom isn’t helping him by enabling your brother.”
“The best thing you can do here is to keep out of it and just refuse to be involved.”
“Don’t give your brother any kind of material support and keep your opinions to yourself.” ~ No-Assignment5538
“YTA. Look. You’re not wrong.”
“They absolutely should not be having a baby.”
“But, your mom is also right.”
“They’re adults.”
“They want to have a baby together? Let ’em.”
“Let them dig themselves a hole to their own hell.”
“Some people need to learn the hard way how stupid their decisions are.”
“When CPS is called and places the kid in your mom’s care, and she comes crying to you, just smile and say, ‘Told you so. Enjoy taking care of 3 kids,’ and walk away.” ~ R4eth
“YWBTA, It might seem counterintuitive, but you should keep your mouth shut and mind your own business.”
“None of them wants your opinion on this; your mom made that clear.”
“You also won’t be telling them something they don’t already know.”
“So there is no real point to you saying anything.”
“You would just be talking for the sake of talking.” ~ Deep-Okra1461
“Unpopular opinion, but YWBTA.”
“Look, I absolutely get where you’re coming from, but I think we both know that expressing your opinion on the matter won’t do a lick of good.”
“I had my kid at your age.”
“Was I properly prepared for parenthood at that tender age? Absolutely not!”
“But I busted my a** to give him a better life than I had.”
“So it’s possible that having a baby would encourage them to step up and grow up.”
“It’s impossible to say how it would go, but to immediately assume they would f**k any child up is hurtful at best.” ~ TheWardenVenom
Reddit acknowledges your dilemma, OP.
But it seems like Reddit doesn’t think you getting involved is a good idea.
Your brother and his GF are going to do what they’re going to do.
And your mother clearly is no help.
Worry about yourself and help when and if you want to.
Good luck to everyone involved here.