There's an old saying, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you."
That can be applied to things other than food, too, like birthday party expenses, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Series_Conscious had struggled to create a meaningful relationship with his stepdaughter since he married his wife, to the point that she did not talk to him and actively excluded him.
But when her birthday came around, the Original Poster (OP) was surprised when his stepdaughter demanded that he pay for an expensive birthday dinner, even though she didn't want him to attend.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for not paying for my stepdaughter's birthday dinner?"
The OP had unequal relationships with his stepchildren.
"My wife has three kids: two sons (20 Male and 19 Male) and a daughter (16 Female) from her previous marriage."
"Their father was an addict but is now clean. He doesn't have custody of 'S,' but does visit when he can."
"My stepsons and I aren't close, but they've been respectful to me at least. My stepdaughter, who I'll call 'S,' has not."
"She genuinely doesn't like me. She refuses to talk to me, she doesn't want me attending her shows, and she doesn't accept any gifts I have given her, usually giving them away or tossing them in the trash."
"She doesn't listen to me if I am the one enforcing rules when she is grounded, it has to be her mom who puts her foot down."
The OP's stepdaughter still wanted a particular gift for her birthday, however.
"Her birthday was last week, and she had exams that day."
"My wife wanted her birthday to be extra special, because she was turning 16, and had good grades. S wanted to go to an expensive restaurant with her family."
"I was not allowed to come according to her, but she wanted me to give her mom the money to pay for it."
"I told her I would not pay."
"She got upset and told me it was the least I could do and how she asks for so little."
"But I stood my ground."
There were repercussions after her birthday.
"Her mom took her to a less expensive restaurant."
"S is upset with me, her granddad is also upset with me, telling me I should've paid, and that it was her 16th birthday that I ruined."
"My wife is on my side and says there's no winning with her."
"I know how important becoming 16 is, and I feel bad for not getting her a gift at all."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out the OP didn't need to foot the bill for something he wasn't invited to.
"If you're not good enough to be there, neither is your money."
"Stepdaughter needs to get a reality check. If Grandpa wants her to have a fancy, expensive dinner, he can fork out for it himself. Or maybe he can go ask your stepdaughter's actual dad, to foot the bill."
"If you're not being treated as family, there's no reason for you to spend your money. You're not starving the kid, you're just not giving her a fancy birthday." - LadyBladeWarAngel
"NTA. She may be only 16 but that's not too young to learn basic respect."
"She can't treat you like dirt and expect you to bend over backward and make her birthday special. Sounds like she's mad at the world and is taking it out on you. Hope she grows up a bit and sees reason." - IamIrene
"NTA. She wants to disrespect you and openly exclude you from her life while simultaneously expecting you to fund her birthday? She sounds insufferable." - alter_ego624
"NTA. The audacity to ask you to pay but not come to her expensive birthday dinner is astounding."
"I don't think you're TAH for not getting her another gift. Why would you give her a physical gift anyway, knowing that she would likely just throw it away?" - NotCreativeAtAll16
"Good luck to S if she thinks getting OP to pay for college is going to happen."
"I'm no psychic, but I can see that issue arising in the near future." - sir_are_a_Baboon_too
"NTA."
"She doesn't want anything from you but is WILLING to take your money to pay for an expensive restaurant for her birthday."
"Entitled much?!"
"After this, it will be a car and then a college fund." - SuperHuckleberry125
Others agreed and pointed out S was creating the relationship with how she treated the OP.
"NTA. You ruined nothing."
"S wants things her family can't afford. That's life."
"She has made it incredibly clear that you are not her family and that she wants nothing from you. Wish granted."
"And '16' is an anniversary of being born, not an accomplishment."
"S needs to decide what kind of relationship she wants with you, but as long as she is not at least being cordial, she gets no extras." - ComputerCrafty4781
"You can dislike your parents' new spouses as much as you want/they deserve, but you can't expect them to spend their money on you if you've made it clear you hate them."
"She's young and stupid at her age, like all teenagers. I have sympathy to an extent because I've experienced how tough blended families can be for a kid, but if she rejects him totally, she can't expect him to pay."
"If it takes this to realize that maybe she should be nicer to stepdad if only because he's the one with the money in the house, then it's a lesson learned, though I doubt she will if the grandfather is backing her up."
"Don't get suckered into paying for college though." - Strawberry338338
"NTA, I think the wife needs to be the one who solves this."
"She needs to straight up tell her she can't be an a**hole then expect non-essential kindness. Not from strangers, not from friends, not from family. You get what you give, and if you want to give a turd, then you get one."
"She also needs to have the, 'Your stepdad isn't the reason I'm not with your dad, so hating him doesn't actually accomplish anything but make you bitter,' conversation. It's pretty evident that they haven't, and probably not any counseling of any kind either."
"OP, if you see this, this is your wife's responsibility. You trying to solve it will make it worse." - Grimwohl
"NTA."
"S like many teenagers is acting like a defiant child. No doubt this may be in part due to resentment at her family situation, which has to be tough."
"That said, if S wants to have no relationship with you, and will openly disrespect you, not paying for a meal you weren't invited to is the logical consequence of that. I'm glad your wife is on your side, but it does make me wonder what more she could do as S's mom to curb this outrageous behavior." - Independent-Length54
"NTA. Every time I hear about a situation in which a kid hates or dislikes the parent, a line from breaking bad comes to mind: 'A man provides. And he does it even when he's not appreciated, or respected, or even loved. He simply bears up and he does it. Because he's a man.'"
"While I agree with the basic premise, I also believe kids should learn respect and that there are consequences if the proper respect isn't given. Sure, you may still buy her the essentials like food, clothes, shoes, etc. but disrespect like that can be punished by not providing her with an allowance, time to go out with friends, cell phone use in the house, etc."
"Your stepdaughter has with all due respect s**tty behavior. She's 16, sure, it's her birthday, but that doesn't absolve her from being a spoiled brat. She requests money to have dinner at some expensive restaurant and refuses to have you at the dinner. What kind of logic is that?"
"Sorry, but your wife may be the a**hole for letting it get to this point. Allowing her kid to disrespect you to this level is insane to me. The reason why I say the wife may be the a**hole here is that there's plenty of AITA stories in which the parent of the stepkid will be defensive of whether the stepparent gets to have a say in disciplining the kids."
"The fact your wife doesn't seem to mind or make any comments on her daughter's behavior is baffling to me. You need to have a talk with your wife and your daughter." - theshleepmaster
"NTA. I'm sure there are some complicated reasons behind your stepdaughter's behavior, so I will grant her that. Maybe some outside counseling would help; she is clearly angry and I suspect the root of that anger does not originate with you."
"That being said, her expecting to disrespect you and yet demand whatever she chooses from you is not okay. That's not how the world works, not just in your family but anywhere. You were right in standing your ground and I am glad to hear your wife supported your decision."
"Her grandfather needs to butt out; his failure to support you rather than support her selfish, unreasonable, and immature behavior helps nothing. Sadly, it's always easier to blame a stepparent when something doesn't suit. Basically, she decided how her 16th birthday would play out. She did have a choice and she made it." - Realistic_Head4279
The subReddit could sympathize with the complicated situation that the OP's stepdaughter might be going through, especially as a teenager, but how she was treating the OP wouldn't improve her situation.
If anything, expecting the OP to do things for her while actively isolating him from her life would surely only make her situation worse in the future, especially with college coming around the corner.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.