There's an old saying, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you."
That can be applied to things other than food, too, like birthday party expenses, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Series_Conscious had struggled to create a meaningful relationship with his stepdaughter since he married his wife, to the point that she did not talk to him and actively excluded him.
But when her birthday came around, the Original Poster (OP) was surprised when his stepdaughter demanded that he pay for an expensive birthday dinner, even though she didn't want him to attend.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for not paying for my stepdaughter's birthday dinner?"
The OP had unequal relationships with his stepchildren.
"My wife has three kids: two sons (20 Male and 19 Male) and a daughter (16 Female) from her previous marriage."
"Their father was an addict but is now clean. He doesn't have custody of 'S,' but does visit when he can."
"My stepsons and I aren't close, but they've been respectful to me at least. My stepdaughter, who I'll call 'S,' has not."
"She genuinely doesn't like me. She refuses to talk to me, she doesn't want me attending her shows, and she doesn't accept any gifts I have given her, usually giving them away or tossing them in the trash."
"She doesn't listen to me if I am the one enforcing rules when she is grounded, it has to be her mom who puts her foot down."
The OP's stepdaughter still wanted a particular gift for her birthday, however.
"Her birthday was last week, and she had exams that day."
"My wife wanted her birthday to be extra special, because she was turning 16, and had good grades. S wanted to go to an expensive restaurant with her family."
"I was not allowed to come according to her, but she wanted me to give her mom the money to pay for it."
"I told her I would not pay."
"She got upset and told me it was the least I could do and how she asks for so little."
"But I stood my ground."
There were repercussions after her birthday.
"Her mom took her to a less expensive restaurant."
"S is upset with me, her granddad is also upset with me, telling me I should've paid, and that it was her 16th birthday that I ruined."
"My wife is on my side and says there's no winning with her."
"I know how important becoming 16 is, and I feel bad for not getting her a gift at all."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out the OP didn't need to foot the bill for something he wasn't invited to.
"If you're not good enough to be there, neither is your money."
"Stepdaughter needs to get a reality check. If Grandpa wants her to have a fancy, expensive dinner, he can fork out for it himself. Or maybe he can go ask your stepdaughter's actual dad, to foot the bill."
"If you're not being treated as family, there's no reason for you to spend your money. You're not starving the kid, you're just not giving her a fancy birthday." - LadyBladeWarAngel
"NTA. She may be only 16 but that's not too young to learn basic respect."
"She can't treat you like dirt and expect you to bend over backward and make her birthday special. Sounds like she's mad at the world and is taking it out on you. Hope she grows up a bit and sees reason." - IamIrene
"NTA. She wants to disrespect you and openly exclude you from her life while simultaneously expecting you to fund her birthday? She sounds insufferable." - alter_ego624
"NTA. The audacity to ask you to pay but not come to her expensive birthday dinner is astounding."
"I don't think you're TAH for not getting her another gift. Why would you give her a physical gift anyway, knowing that she would likely just throw it away?" - NotCreativeAtAll16
"Good luck to S if she thinks getting OP to pay for college is going to happen."
"I'm no psychic, but I can see that issue arising in the near future." - sir_are_a_Baboon_too
"NTA."
"She doesn't want anything from you but is WILLING to take your money to pay for an expensive restaurant for her birthday."
"Entitled much?!"
"After this, it will be a car and then a college fund." - SuperHuckleberry125
Others agreed and pointed out S was creating the relationship with how she treated the OP.
"NTA. You ruined nothing."
"S wants things her family can't afford. That's life."
"She has made it incredibly clear that you are not her family and that she wants nothing from you. Wish granted."
"And '16' is an anniversary of being born, not an accomplishment."
"S needs to decide what kind of relationship she wants with you, but as long as she is not at least being cordial, she gets no extras." - ComputerCrafty4781
"You can dislike your parents' new spouses as much as you want/they deserve, but you can't expect them to spend their money on you if you've made it clear you hate them."
"She's young and stupid at her age, like all teenagers. I have sympathy to an extent because I've experienced how tough blended families can be for a kid, but if she rejects him totally, she can't expect him to pay."
"If it takes this to realize that maybe she should be nicer to stepdad if only because he's the one with the money in the house, then it's a lesson learned, though I doubt she will if the grandfather is backing her up."
"Don't get suckered into paying for college though." - Strawberry338338
"NTA, I think the wife needs to be the one who solves this."
"She needs to straight up tell her she can't be an a**hole then expect non-essential kindness. Not from strangers, not from friends, not from family. You get what you give, and if you want to give a turd, then you get one."
"She also needs to have the, 'Your stepdad isn't the reason I'm not with your dad, so hating him doesn't actually accomplish anything but make you bitter,' conversation. It's pretty evident that they haven't, and probably not any counseling of any kind either."
"OP, if you see this, this is your wife's responsibility. You trying to solve it will make it worse." - Grimwohl
"NTA."
"S like many teenagers is acting like a defiant child. No doubt this may be in part due to resentment at her family situation, which has to be tough."
"That said, if S wants to have no relationship with you, and will openly disrespect you, not paying for a meal you weren't invited to is the logical consequence of that. I'm glad your wife is on your side, but it does make me wonder what more she could do as S's mom to curb this outrageous behavior." - Independent-Length54
"NTA. Every time I hear about a situation in which a kid hates or dislikes the parent, a line from breaking bad comes to mind: 'A man provides. And he does it even when he's not appreciated, or respected, or even loved. He simply bears up and he does it. Because he's a man.'"
"While I agree with the basic premise, I also believe kids should learn respect and that there are consequences if the proper respect isn't given. Sure, you may still buy her the essentials like food, clothes, shoes, etc. but disrespect like that can be punished by not providing her with an allowance, time to go out with friends, cell phone use in the house, etc."
"Your stepdaughter has with all due respect s**tty behavior. She's 16, sure, it's her birthday, but that doesn't absolve her from being a spoiled brat. She requests money to have dinner at some expensive restaurant and refuses to have you at the dinner. What kind of logic is that?"
"Sorry, but your wife may be the a**hole for letting it get to this point. Allowing her kid to disrespect you to this level is insane to me. The reason why I say the wife may be the a**hole here is that there's plenty of AITA stories in which the parent of the stepkid will be defensive of whether the stepparent gets to have a say in disciplining the kids."
"The fact your wife doesn't seem to mind or make any comments on her daughter's behavior is baffling to me. You need to have a talk with your wife and your daughter." - theshleepmaster
"NTA. I'm sure there are some complicated reasons behind your stepdaughter's behavior, so I will grant her that. Maybe some outside counseling would help; she is clearly angry and I suspect the root of that anger does not originate with you."
"That being said, her expecting to disrespect you and yet demand whatever she chooses from you is not okay. That's not how the world works, not just in your family but anywhere. You were right in standing your ground and I am glad to hear your wife supported your decision."
"Her grandfather needs to butt out; his failure to support you rather than support her selfish, unreasonable, and immature behavior helps nothing. Sadly, it's always easier to blame a stepparent when something doesn't suit. Basically, she decided how her 16th birthday would play out. She did have a choice and she made it." - Realistic_Head4279
The subReddit could sympathize with the complicated situation that the OP's stepdaughter might be going through, especially as a teenager, but how she was treating the OP wouldn't improve her situation.
If anything, expecting the OP to do things for her while actively isolating him from her life would surely only make her situation worse in the future, especially with college coming around the corner.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp