The choice to become vegan has gotten easier over the last few years. There are many more products available to consumers and most restaurants now offer vegan options.
But the choice isn't for everyone.
Some people can't get the nutrients they need for their particular body chemistry on a vegan diet while other people thrive on it. Humans come in a vast variety of configurations and everyone should do what's best for them.
But what about when it comes to parents and their minor children? Who should decide if they are vegan? And at what age should the child be able to start making their own food choices?
A teen at odds with his vegan father turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Creepy-Target-2874 asked:
"AITA for eating meat at my aunt's house when my dad wasn't around?"
The original poster (OP) explained—without the use of capitalization:
"so I'm 15, male, and I live with my dad (45, male) and his boyfriend, Mark (40, male)."
"my mum died from cancer when I was 9, and then a year later, Dad came out as gay and started dating Mark. They've been together since, and I'm cool with it. I just want Dad to be happy."
"the issue is that since Dad got with Mark, he's become this hardcore vegan. Like, out of nowhere, we went from eating normal food to everything being plant-based."
"At first, I thought it would just be at home, but nope. Dad decided that I'm not allowed to eat anything that's not vegan even when I'm not at home."
"He says it's about 'ethics' and not supporting animal cruelty, which I get, but I don't see why I can't make my own choices when I'm away from home."
"So here's where I might've messed up. I stay with my aunt (my mum's sister) every other weekend."
"She's always been really chill and doesn't have all these crazy rules like Dad. A few weeks ago, I was at my aunt's place, and she asked if I wanted a burger for dinner."
"Dad wasn't there, so I figured, why not? I haven't had meat in forever, and I was really missing it."
"I ate the burger. It was amazing, honestly."
"I didn't think it was a big deal since it wasn't at home and Dad wasn't around. But then, when Dad came to pick me up, my aunt mentioned it."
"she wasn't trying to cause drama; she casually brought it up, and Dad lost it. He flipped out on my aunt, saying she was disrespecting him and his choices and that she shouldn't be feeding me stuff that goes against his rules."
"Then he turned on me, calling me ungrateful and saying I've betrayed him and everything he's been trying to teach me. Since then, he's been giving me the silent treatment and hasn't talked to me at all."
"It's super awkward at home now."
"I feel like I was just making my own decision, especially since I wasn't even at home. But now I'm wondering if I should've respected his rules even when I was not with him."
"I really don't want to hurt him, but this whole thing feels so unfair. I'm moving out as soon as I turn 16. I have money from my mum, and you're allowed to leave without parents' consent at 16."
"AITA for eating meat at my aunt's place when dad wasn't around?"
"Should i have just stuck to his vegan rules even when i'm not at home?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because I knew my dad's strict rules about being vegan and chose to break them when I was at my aunt's place. even though i wasn't at home, i was still aware that dad expects me to follow his vegan lifestyle no matter where i am."
"By eating meat, I went against what he's been trying to teach me and what he clearly feels strongly about. I can see why he's upset and why he might think I disrespected him and his beliefs."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Flipping out on you and your aunt is not okay. And giving you the silent treatment? That's a control tactic and not healthy in any relationship."
"You're more than old enough to be able to make your own choices about your diet, if you'd like to be vegan or not. Him making that choice for you is what's unethical."
"He doesn't have the right to force that lifestyle on you, especially when you're not in his home. I think it's up to you to decide if it's best to grin and bear it until you're 18 and hopefully able to move out on your own, or start standing firm in what you want in your own diet."
"Either way, I think it's worth talking it over with a counselor at school, to help you navigate this. The way he's treating you around this subject isn't okay." ~ CrimsonKnight_004
"NTA. I believe that your father's reaction and behavior is way, way, out of line. At 15, you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions about what you eat."
"Of course, at home it's your father's rules, but otherwise this is just controlling and isolating—assuming you can no longer visit your aunt—and is just weird and stupid." ~ insuranceguynyc
"NTA. You're growing into adulthood. You need to be able to make your own decisions. In a few years, you'll be in college and making a lot of your own choices."
"Your father is being completely unreasonable—not uncommon for a convert. As long as you don't bring meat into his house, it shouldn't make any difference to him."
"Veganism is HIS choice, not yours." ~ FuzzyMom2005
"NTA. At 15 years old, you're certainly capable of considering your own options, deciding which values you hold, etc..."
"Your dad clearly feels very strongly about veganism; but in the end, you're not him. He seems to be forgetting that." ~ PersonWithANameMaybe
"NTA. I don't think it's fair for your dad to be forcing his beliefs regarding food on you like that, especially outside of the home."
"If it were me, I'd continue to eat how I want outside of the home and just be more careful to ensure he won't find out." ~ Stranger0nReddit
"NTA, but your father is. You are old enough to decide for yourself what you eat."
"I understand your father not paying for meat groceries or wanting meat in his house, but outside of his house, you are entitled to exercise free choice. I say that as a vegetarian." ~ Aw_Yeah_Nuh
The OP provided an update:
"so it's been a couple of days since i posted and things have changed a bit. thanks to everyone who commented."
"so after I posted, I decided I needed to seriously talk to my dad because the silent treatment was getting unbearable. I sat him down and told him how I felt about everything."
"I get that he's really into being vegan now, and I respect that, but I also feel like I should be able to make my own choices, especially when I'm not at home. And then I showed him the AITA post, and he was shocked how so many people didn't agree with him."
"at first, he was still really mad and kept saying he just wants to protect me from making bad decisions. But then Mark actually spoke up, which was surprising because he usually stays out of it."
"He told my dad that while it's important to teach me about ethics, it's also important to let me figure out my own beliefs and make my own choices. They talked for a while without me, and when Dad returned, he apologized."
"He said he realized he might have been too strict and that he shouldn't have forced his beliefs on me so hard, especially when I'm not at home. He still hopes I'll consider being vegan when I'm older, but he said he'll try to respect my choices more from now on."
"He also called my aunt and apologized for his reaction. She was really cool about it and said she just wanted what's best for me, which I already knew."
"so we're all good now. Things are still a bit awkward at home, but it's getting better."
"dad even asked if i wanted to help him cook one of his favourite vegan meals this weekend, which i agreed to. i'm not going fully vegan or anything, but it feels like we're in a better place now."
"So yeah, that's where things are. Thanks again to everyone who helped me figure out how to talk to my dad without making things worse."
It's good to see a happy resolution.
Hopefully OP will reconsider his decision to move out at 16.
As one Redditor put it:
"I sincerely hope you reconsider moving out at 16. Life on your own is hard, even if you have plenty of money."
"Don't rush to grow up. Adulthood is highly overrated."
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp