On a wedding day, should family focus be on the impending nuptials all day or just an hour or so before the ceremony?
A younger sister who thought pulling family focus onto herself and her high school volleyball game on the morning of her sister's wedding was OK, turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
PradBittsy asked:
"AITA for playing volleyball on the day of my sister's wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (18, female) am on my school's volleyball team and we had a match scheduled for the day of my sister's (24, female) wedding. The game was early in the morning, the wedding would be at night, so there would be no conflict."
"Anyway, some relatives of ours who were in town just for the wedding, heard me talking about the match and chose to go. It was their own decision, I only mentioned the game, but didn't invite anybody personally."
"After the game, I came home. My team had won, I was excited, and some of our relatives were asking me about the team, and whether I plan to continue on playing when I'm in college, etc..."
"My sister was already there—she chose our parents' place as her wedding HQ—and I could instantly tell she looked upset. When we were alone, I asked her what was the problem."
"I thought something was wrong with the wedding planning at first. She went off on me about how this was supposed to be her day and I made it all about me when I chose to play and when I told our family about it."
"I told her I can't control other people's reactions and that I didn't insist for anyone to come, but she was still upset. We couldn't continue the conversation because she was about to get her hair and makeup done."
"We get to her wedding and, of course, she had other things on her mind."
"But after the ceremony, I went to hug her and her husband during the party, and I told her a brief, 'I still want to talk to you about today', but she just said, 'Now is not the time'. And that's where we are now, we didn't talk any further."
"The point was that I didn't get a chance to talk to her until the receiving line, because she was surrounded by people for the rest of the day and of course I couldn't talk to her during the ceremony. As I waited my turn I was uncertain of what to say."
"So, first I hugged her, I told her that I loved her, that I was happy for her. She nodded, but didn't say anything back."
"I didn't want to ignore our last interaction, so when I said 'I still want to talk' about what happened, I didn't mean then and there, just at some point, like to make sure I was trying to acknowledge what transpired between us and not fully ignoring it."
"I thought about saying 'I'm sorry about today, you know I love you' etc... (that was one of the things I rehearsed in my mind while waiting in line). But I thought apologizing would be the same as trying to have a conversation right there, and it was better to save it for later."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"The action that I took that should be judged is, I decided to play a match that was scheduled on the same day my sister got married, and some relatives who heard me talking about it went to watch it even though I didn't invite anyone in particular."
"Why this can make me an a**hole is, my sister felt my attention and the attention of everyone in the family should be on her because it was her wedding day, and my excitement for winning the match might have contributed to taking the focus away from her."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"I'm gonna say YTA. You should've dropped the subject and only talked about IF she told you she was still upset about it AFTER her wedding. You bringing it up may leave a sour taste in her memories about what should've been a special day." ~ bearbear407
"You weren't in the wrong until the last bit when you wanted to talk about it at the party. That's where YTA. That wasn't the time to discuss anything."
"As it was your sister's wedding, and it was her moment to shine. Not for you to bring up what happened earlier. You should've waited until the following day to even start that conversation." ~ Old_Inevitable8553
"YTA. I'd say to wait until after the honeymoon to start the conversation. OP should have just put the morning completely aside for the wedding, and hugged the bride and groom to say congratulations, I love you, welcome to the family, etc..."
"OP should write an apology letter, handwritten on paper, and mail it to the sister. That way, OP can be the one to start the apology conversation, but the sister can be the one to decide when to read it and when to reply." ~ Magerimoje
"You are fine until you mentioned it again during the reception. For that, YTA."
"You knew she was upset. She had let it go to enjoy the day. And you decided to bring it up while she was literally in the middle of her wedding celebration? Really?" ~ Disastrous-Nail-640
"YTA. 'I told her a brief "I still want to talk to you about today".' So you thought her wedding, which is supposed to be the happiest days of someone's life, was the appropriate place to try and continue an argument with the bride? Really?" ~ notlucyintheskye
"For me it's NAH for the morning. Volleyball wasn't wrong and being annoyed family went to volleyball is understandable. Then reception is YTA so that's the judgement."
"Even if we decide the bride would've been the a**hole in the morning, the two carry very different weights." ~ AWDChevelleWagon
"YTA. I can just tell you're kind of annoying based on how you literally whispered to her at her wedding 'I still wanna talk about this'. Like, girl, let that sh*t go!"
"You were yapping about your game, she told you she was upset about that, you still bring it up at the wedding despite knowing what the situation is‽‽ You already missed your chance to let it go, now you're just pissing her off even more."
"You're annoying and you're the a**hole." ~ aquariusprincessxo
Although some thought everyone sucked here (ESH).
"I'd give her that benefit of the doubt, but it would be an ESH for the timing of bringing it back up otherwise. The sister was being an a**hole for caring about family being interested in her sister's life at all on her wedding day. Get a grip of yourself—you'll be centre stage all the rest of the day." ~ Agreeable_Ad7002
"ESH. If you had left it alone, instead of bringing up the argument in the middle of her Reception Line, you'd be NTA. But you didn't drop it, even in the middle of her big day."
"You are correct in that you can't control other people, and being excited about a win is cool, but you kept bringing it up. That's where you went wrong."
"And your sister is silly for being upset about it prior to the ceremony. Very fully justified in being upset you brought it up DURING the celebration." ~ Awkward_Energy590
"Eh, a little bit ESH. At first I thought just your sister because she overreacted to people being excited about your volleyball match (a bit narcissistic of her). And you were fine until you said that you still want to talk about what happened while you were *at the wedding*."
"Not appropriate, even if you meant you wanted to talk at a later date."
"You already knew she was upset, so you should have kept the peace and let the rest of the day be about her without mentioning your argument. The time to bring that back up would have been days/weeks later after things settled if she was still upset."
"Even if she was still upset with you at the wedding, you shouldn't have reacted and just given her space. Now, just leave it alone and see if it all blows over. Don't bring it up again unless you see an obvious need to." ~ Els-09
And a few absolved the OP because they just don't like brides or weddings (NTA).
"You are NTA and I am So. Damn. Tired. of brides insisting that their wedding day is 'MY day!' Why is it always THEIR day‽‽" ~ Royal-House-5478
"Wedding entitlement culture is friggin' crazy. It's one f*cking day, get over it sis! You literally did nothing to impede her day." ~ RomDog25
"NTA. You winning your volleyball game and relatives watching is no big deal. It was like providing entertainment before the wedding."
"They must have been bored waiting for the wedding and needed something to do and they all got to visit while the game was being played."
"Weddings are too much. There is always drama. Eloping is calmer." ~ 2015juniper
The majority found fault of some kind with the OP's actions.
Hopefully she can find an appropriate time and place to mend fences with her sister.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp