Some people promise to do a lot of things to help out, then find themselves overextended.
Whose fault is that, though?
The person who needed help or the person who took on too much?
Who’s responsible for making sure the volunteer isn’t feeling overwhelmed?
A willing wedding volunteer turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on her own recent reservations.
SmallestSpace asked:
“AITA for asking to wear pants to my sister-in-law’s wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (Olivia, 27) love photography and my sister-in-law (SIL), Samantha (27). She’s my husband’s sister.”
“When she announced her wedding, I volunteered to be her photographer—completely free of charge. She lives hours away, and I wanted to help with the stress.”
“Big mistake.”
“Because I enjoy being creative, I also designed her invitations, table numbers, wedding website, playlists, and bridal shower games. I even took a vacation day to help set up.”
“She asked me to organize the wedding timeline, which I did, and she’s always had access to it. But with every task, she became more demanding. Some mornings, I’d wake up to 20+ texts full of requests.”
“Some of the more ridiculous ones:”
“She insisted I make a custom cocktail hour playlist instead of using a pre-made one.
“She demanded I attend a second rehearsal, even after I said I had an exam to study for.
“She assumed I’d photograph her bridal shower AND rehearsal—without asking.
“And the kicker?
“She insists I wear a floor-length gown and heels while photographing the wedding.”
“I’m not in the wedding party. I won’t even be in pictures—because I’M TAKING THEM. Long fabric + heels + running around a venue? I’ll be tripping all day.”
“I asked months ago to wear something more practical, and she completely shut it down.”
“On top of this, family drama has made things worse. My father-in-law (FIL) has been gossiping about the siblings.”
“When my husband and I refused to engage, he called us ‘self-righteous’, causing a rift. I assured Samantha I’d remain ‘civil’. That word is important later.”
“I recently found out she’s been complaining about me, saying, ‘I don’t know what’s going on with the wedding because Olivia hasn’t responded!’ and blaming me for her not hanging out with everyone.”
“She’s also mocked my husband and me for our faith, jealous that other siblings are closer to us because we attend the same church. Now, a week before the wedding, I finally put my foot down.”
“I told her:”
“She should assign a bridesmaid to coordinate the day of because I can’t be both photographer and coordinator.”
“I need to wear pants and comfy shoes to do my job, but would change into a dress after major events.”
“Her response? ‘I thought we agreed to keep things civil. Did I do something offensive? i’m trying to keep this wedding less stressful as much as I can’.”
“CIVIL? If anyone has made this wedding less stressful, it’s me. I don’t think she’s concerned about me—just that she won’t get more out of me.”
“I hadn’t fully considered the safety concern behind wearing a long dress and heels while running around. I don’t want to twist an ankle because I tripped while wearing heels that I didn’t want to wear in the first place.”
“When I think about the amount of money I’ve saved her by helping her out, it only makes me more disappointed that she couldn’t be okay with my small request to be dressed more practically.”
“Telling Samantha ‘no’ is guaranteed to make her furious. She’ll start gossiping about me and my husband to other family members (who already don’t favor us) and set off a chain reaction of family drama.”
“I love her, but enough is enough. I have exams, my cat just had surgery for a possibly cancerous tumor, and I was sick for a month leading up to this.”
“I understand I signed myself up for all these duties, and I’m asking to change my outfit last minute, but I feel completely taken advantage of.”
“I’m starting a small photography business and have considered giving free/discounted sessions to family and friends to build my portfolio. This whole situation has made me very wary of that.”
“I’ve always heard stories of creatives who were taken advantage of or belittled by family/friends. I think because I’m just beginning to branch out with my photography and design, I didn’t consider myself a ‘creative. “
“I guess I didn’t realize I was in one of the unfortunate situations I’ve always heard about from other creative people.”
“Someone also mentioned how she might react if she doesn’t end up liking my work, and that possibility is scary.”
“I don’t know if I should go through with being her photographer, but I feel like it might be too late. I’m definitely seeing how I’m gonna have to stop letting people walk all over me.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“My actions: Requesting to change my outfit a week before the wedding and for not communicating my frustration with her demands sooner.”
“Why I might be the a**hole: Changing my outfit last minute could be an inconvenience to my SIL (bride), and if I had communicated sooner, existing issues could have potentially been avoided from the beginning.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors voted that the OP was the a**hole (YTA) for creating the situation she’s in.
“Why didn’t you say no to the 50 other things you’re now complaining about?”
“I’m just confused why you would do all this work and the dress was the final straw.” ~ BuilderWide1961
“YTA for asking to wear pants but only because you don’t need her permission to wear whatever the fork you want, within dress code. She has no right to demand free photos OR tell you what to wear.”
“Grow some balls and tell her where to stick her dress and that you’ll be attending only as a guest since you haven’t been officially hired or provided a deposit. I’m not sure I would even be going to the wedding of someone who mocks me behind my back.”
“You ARE being taken advantage of. The only person who can stop that is you. Why are you letting it happen? It’s OK to have boundaries.”
“If you go, turn up in pants. If she doesn’t like it, offer to leave. Whether you bring a camera or not is up to you.”
“If you do, tell her you agreed to take photos, but not to edit them or provide copies, and that will require payment. That’ll teach her.” ~ use_your_smarts
“YTA for ‘asking’ to wear something else months ago and letting her shut that down because she might ‘gossip’ about you if you say ‘no’. And letting her ‘assume’ you into photographing the bridal shower & rehearsal w/out asking.”
“You just moved the arguing down the road instead of addressing things when they happen, and now you’re going to be the a**hole for changing all your yeses to no at the last minute.”
“Nobody takes that much advantage of you without your cooperation. Stop asking. Tell her what you won’t do. Like a grown a** person.” ~ Jayseek4
“Honestly, based on your story, you’re the one who created this entire situation. You don’t say anywhere that she asked you first. That detail means you aren’t the martyr here.”
“According to you, without being asked, you told her you’d fulfill certain functions and then she told you what she wants/expects for the functions you volunteered yourself for.”
“Then you didn’t bother to voice any objections to her until just before the wedding?”
“I’d be complaining about you too. If you don’t want to do something, don’t volunteer yourself to do it. Simple.”
“Instead, you volunteered, then pitied yourself and built your resentment, then sought people to tell you you’re the victim. But it’s ridiculous to lay in the middle of the floor, then complain when someone walks all over you.”
“Seriously, get off the cross. Someone needs the wood.” ~ MohawMais
But others did decide the OP wasn’t the a**hole (NTA) or that everyone sucked (ESH).
“Soft ESH with more fault on her end.”
“You definitely went overboard agreeing to her requests so far and it kinda makes sense that after saying ‘Yes’ a thousand times, you’re going to come across as a little bit suddenly hostile if you say ‘No’ out of nowhere.”
“It’s not your fault you’re being taken advantage of at all, but in retrospect, I’m sure you’d be able to point to a period of time where the requests got overwhelming and you should’ve started saying ‘No’ a lot earlier.”
“Now that you’ve started to push back, it’s causing stress to your SIL because it’s WAY too close to the wedding for her to make other plans.”
“She is being very unreasonable and has been from the start. Everything you’re telling her now is totally valid, but you definitely should’ve pushed back a lot sooner than a week before the wedding.” ~ rayybloodypurchase
“NTA. Start telling her things instead of asking. Like ‘I will be wearing pants. If you have a problem with this, let me know, so that I can stop investing in this wedding because you will find a new photographer’.”
“And ‘I will just do the photos of the main event’ and ‘You will have to make your own playlist. I am just doing the photos. Of the main event. While wearing pants’.” ~ Jocelyn-1973
“ESH. I mean it’s sorta your fault you signed yourself up for these things and wedding planning can be tough and it’s reasonable for her to be a bit stressed and controlling.”
“That being said, she’s being irrational as well when it comes to the dress code, and she’s dumping stuff on you. But it’s mainly her fault, you have a small mistake that’s it.”
“I suggest maybe you can wear a jumpsuit or something. You could check with her. Otherwise, tell her to book another photographer that can run around in a gown and heels.” ~ Comfortable_Reach132
This situation may not be salvageable to everyone’s—or anyone’s—satisfaction.
But hopefully OP learned a lesson about volunteering.