Some people promise to do a lot of things to help out, then find themselves overextended.
Whose fault is that, though?
The person who needed help or the person who took on too much?
Who's responsible for making sure the volunteer isn't feeling overwhelmed?
A willing wedding volunteer turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on her own recent reservations.
SmallestSpace asked:
"AITA for asking to wear pants to my sister-in-law's wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (Olivia, 27) love photography and my sister-in-law (SIL), Samantha (27). She's my husband's sister."
"When she announced her wedding, I volunteered to be her photographer—completely free of charge. She lives hours away, and I wanted to help with the stress."
"Big mistake."
"Because I enjoy being creative, I also designed her invitations, table numbers, wedding website, playlists, and bridal shower games. I even took a vacation day to help set up."
"She asked me to organize the wedding timeline, which I did, and she's always had access to it. But with every task, she became more demanding. Some mornings, I'd wake up to 20+ texts full of requests."
"Some of the more ridiculous ones:"
"She insisted I make a custom cocktail hour playlist instead of using a pre-made one.
"She demanded I attend a second rehearsal, even after I said I had an exam to study for.
"She assumed I'd photograph her bridal shower AND rehearsal—without asking.
"And the kicker?
"She insists I wear a floor-length gown and heels while photographing the wedding."
"I'm not in the wedding party. I won't even be in pictures—because I'M TAKING THEM. Long fabric + heels + running around a venue? I'll be tripping all day."
"I asked months ago to wear something more practical, and she completely shut it down."
"On top of this, family drama has made things worse. My father-in-law (FIL) has been gossiping about the siblings."
"When my husband and I refused to engage, he called us 'self-righteous', causing a rift. I assured Samantha I'd remain 'civil'. That word is important later."
"I recently found out she's been complaining about me, saying, 'I don't know what's going on with the wedding because Olivia hasn't responded!' and blaming me for her not hanging out with everyone."
"She's also mocked my husband and me for our faith, jealous that other siblings are closer to us because we attend the same church. Now, a week before the wedding, I finally put my foot down."
"I told her:"
"She should assign a bridesmaid to coordinate the day of because I can't be both photographer and coordinator."
"I need to wear pants and comfy shoes to do my job, but would change into a dress after major events."
"Her response? 'I thought we agreed to keep things civil. Did I do something offensive? i'm trying to keep this wedding less stressful as much as I can'."
"CIVIL? If anyone has made this wedding less stressful, it's me. I don't think she's concerned about me—just that she won't get more out of me."
"I hadn't fully considered the safety concern behind wearing a long dress and heels while running around. I don't want to twist an ankle because I tripped while wearing heels that I didn't want to wear in the first place."
"When I think about the amount of money I've saved her by helping her out, it only makes me more disappointed that she couldn't be okay with my small request to be dressed more practically."
"Telling Samantha 'no' is guaranteed to make her furious. She'll start gossiping about me and my husband to other family members (who already don't favor us) and set off a chain reaction of family drama."
"I love her, but enough is enough. I have exams, my cat just had surgery for a possibly cancerous tumor, and I was sick for a month leading up to this."
"I understand I signed myself up for all these duties, and I'm asking to change my outfit last minute, but I feel completely taken advantage of."
"I'm starting a small photography business and have considered giving free/discounted sessions to family and friends to build my portfolio. This whole situation has made me very wary of that."
"I've always heard stories of creatives who were taken advantage of or belittled by family/friends. I think because I'm just beginning to branch out with my photography and design, I didn't consider myself a 'creative. "
"I guess I didn't realize I was in one of the unfortunate situations I've always heard about from other creative people."
"Someone also mentioned how she might react if she doesn't end up liking my work, and that possibility is scary."
"I don't know if I should go through with being her photographer, but I feel like it might be too late. I'm definitely seeing how I'm gonna have to stop letting people walk all over me."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"My actions: Requesting to change my outfit a week before the wedding and for not communicating my frustration with her demands sooner."
"Why I might be the a**hole: Changing my outfit last minute could be an inconvenience to my SIL (bride), and if I had communicated sooner, existing issues could have potentially been avoided from the beginning."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors voted that the OP was the a**hole (YTA) for creating the situation she's in.
"Why didn't you say no to the 50 other things you're now complaining about?"
"I'm just confused why you would do all this work and the dress was the final straw." ~ BuilderWide1961
"YTA for asking to wear pants but only because you don't need her permission to wear whatever the fork you want, within dress code. She has no right to demand free photos OR tell you what to wear."
"Grow some balls and tell her where to stick her dress and that you'll be attending only as a guest since you haven't been officially hired or provided a deposit. I'm not sure I would even be going to the wedding of someone who mocks me behind my back."
"You ARE being taken advantage of. The only person who can stop that is you. Why are you letting it happen? It's OK to have boundaries."
"If you go, turn up in pants. If she doesn't like it, offer to leave. Whether you bring a camera or not is up to you."
"If you do, tell her you agreed to take photos, but not to edit them or provide copies, and that will require payment. That'll teach her." ~ use_your_smarts
"YTA for 'asking' to wear something else months ago and letting her shut that down because she might 'gossip' about you if you say 'no'. And letting her 'assume' you into photographing the bridal shower & rehearsal w/out asking."
"You just moved the arguing down the road instead of addressing things when they happen, and now you're going to be the a**hole for changing all your yeses to no at the last minute."
"Nobody takes that much advantage of you without your cooperation. Stop asking. Tell her what you won't do. Like a grown a** person." ~ Jayseek4
"Honestly, based on your story, you're the one who created this entire situation. You don't say anywhere that she asked you first. That detail means you aren't the martyr here."
"According to you, without being asked, you told her you'd fulfill certain functions and then she told you what she wants/expects for the functions you volunteered yourself for."
"Then you didn't bother to voice any objections to her until just before the wedding?"
"I'd be complaining about you too. If you don't want to do something, don't volunteer yourself to do it. Simple."
"Instead, you volunteered, then pitied yourself and built your resentment, then sought people to tell you you're the victim. But it's ridiculous to lay in the middle of the floor, then complain when someone walks all over you."
"Seriously, get off the cross. Someone needs the wood." ~ MohawMais
But others did decide the OP wasn't the a**hole (NTA) or that everyone sucked (ESH).
"Soft ESH with more fault on her end."
"You definitely went overboard agreeing to her requests so far and it kinda makes sense that after saying 'Yes' a thousand times, you're going to come across as a little bit suddenly hostile if you say 'No' out of nowhere."
"It's not your fault you're being taken advantage of at all, but in retrospect, I'm sure you'd be able to point to a period of time where the requests got overwhelming and you should've started saying 'No' a lot earlier."
"Now that you've started to push back, it's causing stress to your SIL because it's WAY too close to the wedding for her to make other plans."
"She is being very unreasonable and has been from the start. Everything you're telling her now is totally valid, but you definitely should've pushed back a lot sooner than a week before the wedding." ~ rayybloodypurchase
"NTA. Start telling her things instead of asking. Like 'I will be wearing pants. If you have a problem with this, let me know, so that I can stop investing in this wedding because you will find a new photographer'."
"And 'I will just do the photos of the main event' and 'You will have to make your own playlist. I am just doing the photos. Of the main event. While wearing pants'." ~ Jocelyn-1973
"ESH. I mean it's sorta your fault you signed yourself up for these things and wedding planning can be tough and it's reasonable for her to be a bit stressed and controlling."
"That being said, she's being irrational as well when it comes to the dress code, and she's dumping stuff on you. But it's mainly her fault, you have a small mistake that's it."
"I suggest maybe you can wear a jumpsuit or something. You could check with her. Otherwise, tell her to book another photographer that can run around in a gown and heels." ~ Comfortable_Reach132
This situation may not be salvageable to everyone's—or anyone's—satisfaction.
But hopefully OP learned a lesson about volunteering.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp