Being anti-discrimination requires speaking up in instances of injustice. But people of privilege also need to learn to listen and check their own privilege.
A father turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after an incident with his significant other and their son’s childcare provider.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Suit411 asked:
“AITAH for being annoyed at my girlfriend for making a racism complaint on my behalf and demanding she withdraw the complaint and apologise?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m Black, 26, male. My girlfriend is White, 28, female. We have a 2-year-old son. He did not pick up much of the Black gene. He’s pretty White. I questioned it myself (just kidding), but he is definitely mine.”
“My girlfriend does most of the pick ups from creche (like day care) as it’s on her way home from work. Two days ago I did pick up, because my girlfriend was feeling a little ill.”
“I went to the door and all the staff in his room were new to me. I hadn’t been there in awhile though. A girl probably 20-ish came to the door.”
“I said I’m here to pick up my son. She was kind of startled and she asked, ‘you’re his father?’ I said yeah. She said she had not met me yet. She asked my name. I gave it and she said that’s right.”
“She asked if she could see ID or do I know any worker that could verify who I was. There were a few mothers watching on. I showed her my licence and my phone wallpaper of my son, my girlfriend, and I. The mothers behind me spoke up saying that is his son.”
“She said, ‘I’m so sorry. I just wasn’t sure’. I joked when I first saw him I wasn’t sure either. She was really embarrassed. She kept saying sorry. I said, ‘don’t worry, I’d rather you be extra careful than not careful enough’.”
“I thought that was the end of it, but one of the mothers rang my girlfriend that night saying what happened. My girlfriend and a group of them—all White—reported her two days ago. Apparently it’s going to be investigated.”
“I did the collection yesterday evening and she was there. I felt so bad. Apparently she can’t speak to me me until after the investigation. I, also, got a call from the manager asking me about the incident.”
“I’ve experienced racism and I can say with certainty she was not being racist.”
“I was annoyed and my girlfriend and I had a big blow up. She said she was doing what was best for our family and that I didn’t deserve to be racially profiled. The creche can ask for an ID?”
“AITAH for being annoyed that she went behind my back and for demanding she remove the complaint and apologise to the worker?”
The OP later added:
“There were 3 workers in the room. I hadn’t met any of those 3. I had met other workers that work at that creche, just not any in his room that day. The last time I had been at the creche was when he was still in the baby room.”
“Two of the mothers are friends with my girlfriend. We do play dates and whatnot.”
“I don’t think my girlfriend is bad, but I do think it would be worth it if she made amends.”
“I pity the worker. I assume at most she’d get an undeserved disciplinary action, but she must be worried about her job.”
“It’s standard practice at the creche for ID if someone beyond designated people are collecting a child. My girlfriend, me and my girlfriend’s mother are designated people so don’t need, in theory, to show ID. But she didn’t recognise me so that changes things, surely.”
“If you are not a designated person, we must ring up beforehand. Give the name of the person doing pickup and a password. The person must come in with their ID and the password.”
“The employee is being investigated due to an accusation of racism made by my girlfriend and two other mothers.”
“I don’t get it. We have no issue showing an ID where there is obvious reason and racial profiling is where you pick on a race, not where you ask a reasonable request to a guy who happens to be not White. It’s nonsense.”
“The worker didn’t know me. I’d imagine a White parent who she never met would also be asked for safety purposes and that was the impression I got from the manager when she called me.”
“I think my girlfriend should right her wrong and make amends and the apology is just good manners. The investigation is ongoing, but probably will come to nothing since I said it was a non-issue.”
“But I think there’ll be a lot of caution going forward with how our child is dealt with for fear more complaints from my girlfriend unless she retracts her complaint and apologises.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to speak for and advocate for himself (NTA).
“Ugh, I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. NTA all the way.”
“This is an unfortunate side effect of the broadening understanding of racism among White people. The issue is complex and the role of White people in racist structures can be hard for some people to understand and digest.”
“The result among well-intentioned people is to overcorrect. They turn into a stereotype of seeing racism everywhere and their sense of responsibility can easily develop into a White savior complex.”
“It’s important for White people to speak up about racism, but when they center themselves over the Black person who was supposedly aggrieved, they’re clearly doing it for themselves.”
“Your girlfriend should try to understand her wrongdoing here, and apologizing could be a meaningful part of a learning experience for her. She’s not a bad person and she was well-intentioned, but she was also wrong.”
“A big part of being anti-racist as a White person is learning this humility and the grace to accept when a BIPOC calls them out regarding something they’ve done wrong.” ~ impl0sionatic
“What happens when she, out of fear for losing her job, no longer questions anyone she doesn’t recognize? The unintended consequence is that she doesn’t give due diligence and allows a child to be released to someone who is either an estranged partner who should not be able to pick up the child or someone who is not a partner at all!”
“This is what makes workers throw up their hands in disgust. Damned if they do; damned if they don’t.”
“Have you had the opportunity to talk with the owner/employer to share your thanks to that worker and express your perspective? Your words may have a big impact.” ~ No-Technician-722
“The manager should send a letter home to all parents, explaining the policy, regardless of race. She could even include the specific incident. Whoever called your girlfriend should be embarrassed. NTA.” ~ mca2021
“Here is another take. I went to pick up my daughter from daycare and found her playing in the parking lot, unsupervised, with a kiddo from her class and this random kiddo’s mom. I did not know the kiddo or the mom, and they CERTAINLY didn’t know my family.”
“When I approached, she told me the girls were having so much fun that day and wanted to keep playing. So she took my child out of the daycare.”
“I went in to find the ‘director’ scrolling on her phone. When I asked to sign my daughter out, she said, ‘oh, I think your wife already picked her up’.”
“And, that was the precise moment I blew my lid. I’m pretty sure everyone in the building and the building next door heard me tell her exactly how I felt.”
“Absolutely, positively, 100%, not the a**hole. The care provider should be applauded.”
The OP responded:
“The manager rang me to get my side. I said she didn’t recognise me as we had never met. She asked me for ID or the name of a worker who knows me to be her father. I gave my ID. She apologised, and she went in and got my son.”
“I said I think she dealt with the situation really well and gave me peace of mind around my child’s safety. I also said my son loves all of the workers in his room, including her. That’s not a lie—he always talks about them.”
“She thanked me. Said she’d let me know the outcome. She said she takes accusations of racism seriously. I could kind of tell she had no idea where the issue was, either. I told her I had no issue with the situation.”
It’s good for people in positions of privilege to exercise their privilege to advocate for others.
But when they ignore the people they claim to be advocating for, they’re no longer an advocate. They’re just another person using their advantages to silence others.