A widow is dealing with a conflict that has suddenly arisen amidst her grief while simultaneously being there for her and her late husband's two children.
When her intentions were challenged and she was accused of being selfish, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgmemt from strangers online.
There, Redditor Dizzy_Guarantee249 asked:
"AITA for refusing to give my grandparents my late husbands life insurance payout?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (35 F[female]) husband passed away suddenly last year, leaving me and our two kids (6 M[ale], 4 F[female]) completely heartbroken. He had a life insurance policy that paid out a significant sum, and while it doesnt make up for our loss, it has given us financial security."
"A few months ago, my in laws approached me with a request: they want me to give a portion of the money to my late husbands grandparents (his moms parents). Their reasoning is that they are struggling financially, and my husband would have wanted to help them."
The OP continued:
"I do feel bad for them, but the thing is that they never really had a strong relationship with us. They didnt even come to our wedding, claiming it was too far, even though they travel for vacations all the time."
"They never made much effort to be in our childrens lives either. And now, they suddenly think theyre entitled to the money my husband left for his family which, in my mind, means our kids and me."
"My MIL has been calling me selfish, saying theyre elderly and struggling, and that I should honor my husbands memory by helping them. But I feel like this money was meant for our childrens future."
"Its not like Im hoarding it, Ive set up college funds and am ensuring were stable. AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA - Your husbands parents are free to help out if they want. You have just gone through a horrible tragedy, and are dealing with a lot of uncertainty. You don't know what the future will bring, and you need to provide for your kids first." – anon
"Your husband's wishes were to provide for his dependents. Honor those wishes - you and your kids keep the money."
"If nothing had changed, your husband may have wanted to help our his grandparents. But, everything changed, so has everything changed."
"Take care of you and your kids."
"I could not imagine shorting my kids to fund their great-grandparents." – SkeptiCallie
"Besides the trauma of losing your husband and your kids father, your husband will never able to contribute to your kids security again, never pick up the slack if you get ill or lose your job, never be able to work overtime to help pay for a child's wedding. This is not a windfall or a lottery win."
"He gave you a parting gift for your kids. Don't squander it. The grandparents can get a reverse mortgage, heloc, or the parents can help out." – bran6442
"OP absolutely do not share this money, I have new perspective on this, as I have Stage IV breast cancer, I'm not terminal, but obviously, my mortality is in front of me. I have a substantial life insurance policy, retirement savings, etc ... i have made it clear that it for my husband and my 15-month-old son."
"I have it stipulated that for my son, they must fund his 2 investment plans, 1. Education 2nd one is general investment plans.. i also willed my gold to him (worth 100 000 rn) You absolutely need to think of your future, one income with 2 kids, college and down-payment for homes coming up, cars?"
"Not to mention, just basic life expenses.... You best look after you first.... you don't have a 2nd income right now. This is to fund your life for as long as possible... You've made me think if I can legally direct how they use the life insurance to avoid this exact problem." – Elegant-Cricket8106
"I have life insurance to support my wife and kids if something happens. I would be pissed to know my parents were guilting you about this. I would also not be happy if my kid's money went to my grandparents. I would have out them as a beneficiary if that's what I wanted."
"I'm pretty sure that they were probably in financial troubles while your husband was alive, yet he didn't change any beneficiaries." – briko3
"This sum of money can easily run out if you are not careful with it. It was not left to you by your husband for use by previous generations of your family. He left it for the future generation - your children. You must look after it. Your MIL can look after her parents." – No-To-Newspeak
"NTA. That money was meant to support you and your kids, not extended family who made little effort to be in your lives. Your responsibility is to your children's future, not to people who suddenly show interest when money is involved. Don't let guilt trips sway you—you're making the right choice." – KissMeAgaine
"There is really only one question: did your husband include his grandparents as beneficiaries?"
"The answer clearly is 'no', which means that he did not intend for them to get any part of the money. If he had he could have easily included them as beneficiaries. The money is intended to care for you and the kids after losing him. Use it that way."
"I gotta wonder about grandparents who would want to take money away from their grandkids. I have a daughter and a one yo grandson and if her husband were to die tomorrow I would not dream of her doing anything with the insurance money but trying to secure the future for her and my grandson, and I would be there helping any way I could." – Old_Fatty_Lumpkin
"Absolutely. I just set up life insurance for myself, as I'm primary earner and my husband and two kids will need the support if I ever died. It's so that they are taken care of."
"It's not winning the lottery, which is how your in laws are treating it. It's long term money, not sudden magic now money that you yourselves don't need. You do NEED it."
"I set mine up with advice from a financial advisor who explained how to calculate it. I'm trying to provide for lost income. Two parent household become one. That includes retirement savings for my husband. And college funding for my kids. Paying off the mortgage. And everything in between."
"Your in laws are grossly treating this as if you won the lottery and they are the grabby hands family you are supposed to keep it a secret from. If they don't know exactly how much you got, don't tell them. Sounds like cats out of the bag though."
"If your in laws parents need help, your in laws can handle that. You have children you are responsible for. Your in laws no longer do (presumably, unless a significant age difference leaves a minor child with them still)." – believehype1616
"NTA. I'm a financial planner. You need the money to keep your house (or apartment) over your head and your kids clothed and fed for the next 2 decades. I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm also sorry that your husband's crappy mother is trying to make your life harder for you." – Deb_elf
"First of all, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your children find peace, healing and love as time goes on."
"If your husband was smart enough to prepare for such a horrific loss, you know he was doing it with you and the kids in mind. He didn't take out life insurance and go 'I feel so at peace knowing grandma and grandpa could go on another booze cruise!' Use the money for your children and yourself with no guilt."
"(and the petty part of me would offer to air the dirty laundry when your mother-in-law gives you hard time- say that you'll ask around if people think that a recent widow with young children should give her late husband's final gift to his grandparents so they could go on another vacation, or make sure his children are stable. Even if they weren't financially comfortable, it's still completely inappropriate.)" – Ok-Meeting-8588
"NTA and stay strong -- they are grifters. They see an opportunity."
"Life insurance money is meant for you and your kids. I'm guessing your husband made at least half the household income. That's gone now and is never coming back. This money is meant to partially make up for that, at least until you find a way to make up some of the difference."
"Putting your husband's grandparents above your kids' well being would make you TA. So stay away from them if needed." – chicagoliz
Overall, Redditors advised the OP not to distribute what her husband had set aside the life insurance money for: his wife and their two children.
Redditors remained sympathetic for her loss but they insisted that she and the kids were entitled to the money for their uncertain futures, not the in-laws' elderly parents who've unfortunately fallen on some hard times but should qualify for other compensatory options.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp