Grief is an incredibly complicated process, and we all have our own way of working through it.
What will work for one person absolutely will not work for someone else, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Best-Quantity-9059 was sick of enduring comments about her need to move on and start dating after her husband passed away, especially since her sister had moved on from her own late husband.
But when she attempted to quiet her sister's comments, the Original Poster (OP) was ridiculed by her family for being judgmental about her sister moving on before her.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for publicly telling my widowed sister I'll never move on like she did?"
The OP and her sister had different approaches to grieving their late husbands.
"My sister Jane and I's husbands passed away together in an accident six years ago."
"Jane and her first husband have two children. Jane remarried around a year after the passing and went on to have two more kids with her new husband."
"Janes's kids definitely didn't take it well when she started dating a couple of months after the accident, and they still struggle a lot as a household."
"I have never gotten involved but I've tried to support all of them, but again. I've distanced myself a lot and don't see them as much anymore."
"I have three teenage kids from my late husband. I haven't dated since the accident and I don't plan to. I know this is controversial for many, and I seriously don't need my comments overflown with people telling me it's okay to love again. I know it is. Please. I have no interest."
The OP had done the work with her children to be at peace with their loss.
"I have done tons of therapy as have our kids. Nothing is directly 'wrong' with me. I had my one big life-altering love and I'm okay with going the rest of my life reminiscing about that."
"I have had lots of grief counseling and therapy for both me and my kids, both individually and as a family."
"My family doesn't seem to think my life is complete until I find a new romantic partner. While it's always a struggle when your significant other leaves you behind on this earth with your three kids, we do our best to find joy in life."
"It's just not enough in the eyes of my family, which is also why I've distanced myself a lot from them."
The OP's family was critical of her choices.
"My family has over the years tried to set me up, give me speeches, and otherwise convince me to find a new romantic partner."
"I have tried everything to shut it down, but they are adamant I need to date again, and because of their constant pressure, I've distanced myself a lot. I still see them mostly for the kids' sake."
"I'm also very close to my in-laws and my husband's entire family."
The situation escalated at a family gathering.
"My parents hosted a birthday dinner for my mom, and during dinner, Jane once again asked when I was gonna start dating and listed friends of her new husband who she thought suitable."
"I told her no and to please drop it, to which Jane replied, 'It's been over six years, you need to get over it and move on.'"
"At this, I kind of snapped, stood up, and firmly told her that I wasn't ever going to 'move on' and that just because she wanted to remarry in less than a year doesn't mean I ever have to."
The family was critical of the OP's response.
"The entire table went quiet, and Jane started yelling and insulting me."
"My kids also got progressively angrier with Jane, and before everyone blew up, I got us home."
"My family is texting all kinds of things from 'Your sister is right, time to move on,' to 'It was cruel of you to shame Jane.'"
"I have never commented on the fact that Jane moved on until this instance, but I felt my comment was fair given the circumstance."
"The guilt tripping is however getting to me and I'm wondering if I truly did something wrong here."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP and didn't count this really as lashing out.
"NTA. I would have said YTA If I'd only read the title. Reading the whole post, it's clear everyone else is the AH. No one needs to date if they don't want to."
"Her kids were teens. Sounds like she wasn't interested in having more children. Why does she need a boyfriend to make her complete? So this is clearly NTA." - DaisyDuckens
"Small YTA for the comment about Jane but otherwise NTA. Everyone else sucks for pushing men on you when you've made it very clear that you are not interested."
"Definitely think about going LC or NC (Low Contact or No Contact), because it sounds like the kids are fed up, as well, so there's no 'for the kids' sake' argument to even be worried about." - Aggressively_Average2
"NTA. Your vows say until death do you part, but it doesn't say you HAVE TO move on. You can live your life however you want with whoever you want. You don't NEED to be in a relationship if it isn't what you want."
"I also find it hilarious that they see no problem in ALL of them basically shaming you for being single, but how dare you point out that your sister moved on SUPER fast."
"Nah, I'd go NC (No Contact) with all of them because I'm petty. But you did absolutely nothing wrong."
"Also, being told to 'get over it' is the cruelest thing that was said, your family seems very oblivious to how you feel and that makes me angry for you."
"Moving on doesn't mean you have to remarry. It just means you move on to a better mental state which it sounds like you did." - Bite_Me_16
"NTA. You made that comment after a long stream of inappropriate comments from your sister. Not to mention what sounds like years of dealing with this kind of attitude."
"You also said, 'I had my one big life-altering love.' This spoke very loudly to me. I'm married and my husband and I are both aware our love is not huge or life-altering. Like, we have love and are committed to our family, but it's not a big romantic thing if that makes sense."
"I'm pretty confident we would both move on eventually if the other passed. Whereas I know two women who experienced what you described. One is my SIL (Sister-in-Law) and the other was my Grandma. For my SIL, it's been almost a decade and her love is still her husband. My Grandma survived my Grandpa for twenty-five years and never remarried. She was so in love with him even until the day she died."
"It's not that your sister didn't love her husband, of course. But I think that kind of epic, life-altering love is a rare thing. And I think it deserves respect."
"It's possible your sister pushes it so much out of some misplaced guilt for moving on. Possibly your comment played on an already existing insecurity, but she was still way out of line."
"Your sister had every right to move on just like you have every right to hold on to that wonderful love you shared. Both are valid and should be supported." - kokonikoreteureshii
"Here's what I'd advise saying: 'I was wrong to shame Jane, but you have been wrong all these years shaming me for remaining single. I will no longer tolerate it. From now on, the first time any of you bring it up I will hang up/leave, and will remain out of contact for (x amount of time).'"
"Then DO IT. Block them on your phone and skip family get-togethers, even those for special occasions."
"Further, if after you see/speak to them again, they again push you to date, walk out/hang up again, and also double the length of the cut-off. Repeat as needed."
"Obviously, I think you are NTA." - CookbooksRUs
But others thought the OP should have shown more restraint.
"Is OP an AH for blowing up? I'd say yes. YTA because there are better ways to communicate this. Calmly ask for understanding and respect for the decision."
"If that is not respected, say that you fear the constant questioning will lead to less contact because of the lack of respect. There is simply no reason to compare." - Aldoburgo
"NTA for your decision."
"YTA for throwing her choice in her face around the whole family, perhaps renewing her guilt at it, and the judgment of others (would be so hard to not do it so really blame you)."
"It sucks but it is all coming from a good place. But no one seems to cotton on to you not being interested and do not want to get into it. Perhaps akin to pregnancy decisions. They should get they should back off." - shaensays
"YTA. It was someone else's birthday dinner and you made it about you when you snapped. Jane may feel some guilt about moving on even though she shouldn't. Everyone grieves differently."
"They are not right for being pushy about you dating. You could have spoken to them privately and given them an ultimatum in private. Instead, you made the whole thing about you. YTA." - Conscious_Version908
"YTA. Of course you're NTA for not wanting to move on, you never ever have to date if you don't want to, and your sister is TA for not respecting your boundaries."
"But that's not what people called you out for being TA for… and she didn't make it personal, while you escalated it by publically and personally humiliating her, I assume in front of her husband and all of her children."
"The appropriate thing to do would have been to remove yourself. She had the right to move on just as you have the right not to."
"I'm sorry Jane and your family are disrespectful of your boundaries, and I hope you find a way to make them hear you, but this was not it. YTA in this particular instance." - No_Expression_411
"YTA. Are you the a-hole for not remarrying? No. Should they push you? No. Should your sister push you? No. Should she call you out like that? No."
"But you are definitely the a**hole for your implications and for you airing out your grievances. Do you resent your sister for remarrying? Does that, in your mind, mean she loved her husband less than you loved yours?"
"I mean, from the way you're describing the situation, it sounds like you on some level resent her for moving on, that she is in some way wrong for moving on." - Jindujan
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"I appreciate your comments, thank you! Honestly, I was already considering NC (No-Contact) and might actually go forward with it. My kids aren't thrilled with my family either."
"My in-laws are wonderful people in every aspect, and my kids and I are already spending lots of time with them! They are the best family we could ask for."
As for the YTAs, I accept your verdict, but I guess after six years of being kind and gracious and saying no and shutting them down in a calm manner just wore out."
"They are of the understanding that my life isn't worth anything and that I can't possibly be happy without a romantic partner, and that doesn't seem to change. Might be time for NC..."
The subReddit was able to empathize with both of the women and how they had approached their grief, with one able to move on quickly and the other one no longer interested in dating.
Because of that, some thought the family needed to show the OP more respect for how she wanted to live her life. Others thought the OP should have shown more restraint and not made a judgmental comment toward her sister, despite the number of comments she'd already put up with.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp