Helping to raise kids who have lost a parent is a difficult process.
Grief can often cloud the realization of life cycles that must continue.
Some parents may need more help than they thought.
But some help can be seen as crossing a line.
Even when it's only family doing their best.
Redditor EcstaticDepth98 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA For Telling My BIL That Her Daughter Is on Her Period?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (41 M[ale]) am married to Nicole (40 F[emale])."
"We have two kids 11F and 9M."
"My B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] is my wife's brother and has two kids as well, 12F and 7F."
"My BIL's wife died in a car crash a year or so back."
"They've been living with us since then."
"He's a teacher and we love to finance teachers around here."
"On Friday, my older niece started to complain about stomach pains and cramps to my wife."
"We both kind of look at each other and both think 'So he didn't teach his daughter about this stuff, right?'"
"Given her age, it's probably the most likely thing."
"When my wife told her brother, he brushed her off with a 'It's not that.'"
"My wife eventually pulled her aside, gave her the details about it, and showed her how to use menstrual products (tampons and pads)."
"When my BIL found out, he was fine to be proven wrong, but he got a bit upset at my wife for 'Stepping into a place that wasn't hers.'"
"I get it, but based on his response, he wasn't really in any hope of seeing our perspectives."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Were we TA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I get that your BIL is in a difficult place right now - it's hard to come to terms with the fact that your wife is gone and that your children will grow up and experience things without her."
"But now that she's gone he has to step into both roles, and he's not doing it."
"Someone had to." ~ lonelyspren
"That was entirely her place to talk about, that is literally her role to educate her niece on that stuff."
"The whole 'village' thing is real, it's not just something people say."
"I have a niece and I take my relationship with her really seriously, my sister's a fantastic mum but I know I just have a different set of wisdom to offer her and I fully consider it my place to do so."
'I genuinely feel as though I have an important role in her upbringing as does my mum as her grandmother and I think that's wonderful for her to have so many women to look up to."
"You need to help your BIL understand this, that raising a kid isn't supposed to just be done by the parents." ~ Lemonsweets25
"Not to mention teenagers will sometimes go to other trusted adults regarding their problems before they go to their parents."
"It's not a sign they don't love their parents."
"Some things are just harder to talk about with them." ~ UCgirl
"Particularly as it doesn't seem like he's been talking with her daughter a lot about menstrual health and periods, so his daughter might like talking about this with somebody who has gone through their period."
"Also, given he dismissed a fairly obvious first period with 'It's not that,' I somewhat doubt he has the prerequisite knowledge in this area to talk about it competently." ~ haleorshine
"Yeah, it's pretty normal for people other than the parents to be involved in a first period."
"For example, my teacher handled mine as I was on a school camp at the time."
"Also, even though dads are equally competent parents, with some things like periods it's good to have a woman around to talk to."
"I guarantee that BIL would not be well versed in what is and isn't normal as far as periods go for a girl that age."
"He also likely wouldn't have the best information about the pros and cons of different period products since he doesn't use them." ~ Consistent-Flan1445
"Also, the niece might be more comfortable with a woman telling her this stuff, going to ask questions about sex in the future, etc."
"The father might also not know how to use a tampon etc."
"So unless he's using Google to gain that knowledge, letting OP, who actually also deals with that same 'issue,' do the talk is a very valid way of learning things for those girls, especially now that their mother sadly can't do it herself." ~ Crazyandiloveit
"Exactly, when my mom and dad divorced and I went to live with my dad, I was 14 and so uncomfortable to even ask my dad to pick up menstrual products for me but we had a wonderful neighbor lady who would go to the store with me to get them and I was so grateful."
"I knew my dad knew I had my period at the time but it was still awkward for me."
"And then he had the Sex Talk with me and I could feel my face burning up."
"I was so embarrassed because I wasn't doing anything at the time but still wished I could talk to a woman about it... lol."
"I'm 26 now and in a very happy and loving relationship and telling my dad that I'm pregnant was such a weird feeling for me but it was easier to tell my mom and the other women in my life." ~ Shygirl22_
"NTA. He should have taught his daughter about this stuff years ago."
"If he wants to be the one to teach his kids these things, then he needs to step up and actually teach his kids these things."
"You gave him the opportunity to do it, and he just blew you off."
"He abdicated that job the moment he refused to even consider what the issue might be." ~ IAndaraB
"NTA. Urgency and discretion are important in this matter, and he should've already helped her prepare."
"On that note, thank goodness for you and your wife because, with your 11-year-old and his 7-year-old daughter, it's a good thing you two are ready and willing to jump in." ~ MotherBike
"NTA - Your wife did them both a favor."
"No girl wants to learn about periods from their father."
"And I can't imagine he was excited to have that conversation, given that he was pretending it wasn't happening at 12."
"If she was much younger maybe, your wife probably picked up on both of their discomfort and stepped in."
"That's what family is for in these situations and I'm sure his late wife would agree." ~ acee971
"NTA. I grew up without a mother figure and when I was about 11 the girls in my class were talking about periods during breaktime."
"I never heard of this before or knew what it was."
"I learned about it from them."
"That same day when I came home from school, I got my first period that evening, I didn't freak out because I knew what it was now."
"My stepmom the next day tried to explain what was happening but I already knew."
"It's probably better she heard it from another girl, this topic makes some guys so uncomfortable." ~ burrn3r
"NTA. Your niece might even be more comfortable with a woman telling her about this stuff since your wife actually knows what it's like and how it works." ~ UnicornPoopPile
"NTA. Obviously, your BIL's head was in the sand and that poor girl needed help."
"I wonder what state you are in that this isn't covered at school."
"The first time I heard about a period was in school in fourth grade and this was in the mid-80s when it was a lot more unusual to start your period before age 12."
"My mother also told me the basics that year, including where she kept the supplies."
"In fifth grade, they got a lot more specific about cramps, bloating, etc., and good thing for me because mine started that year." ~ C_Majuscula
"NAH and I think a conversation between your wife and her brother should happen when no one is emotionally wound up."
"You are raising two girls, almost the same age, in the same house."
"It's impossible not to be involved with one another."
"Your niece is going to want an adult woman sometimes."
"There's going to be more. Bras. Body hair. Odor."
"Not that a father can't manage that for a daughter but if he's not proactive about it, she's going to keep coming to her aunt." ~ catscausetornadoes
"NTA- Dad needs to wake up."
"My partner died and my daughter was 11F."
"Between doctors (made sure they were F) and female family members who were asked to handle all the female issues we survived."
"I bought the supplies and never judged or questioned it."
"The girl doesn't want to speak to a male about this and I have never used a tampon."
"OMG wake him up from his fog." ~ angrydad2024
"NTA. Sorry, but the female family members in a household are USUALLY the first ones to recognize something is going on, and a 'Father' who disregards the experienced advice of said female family member is an idiot."
"He should be thankful that he had the help of his sister, his Daughter's AUNT, at this time." ~ Wandersturm
"NTA. It's any woman's duty to protect other females."
"Some men don't understand female anatomy, as a man do you know how to insert a tampon? No."
"Because you don't have the biological parts that correspond to females."
"I believe it was my teacher who showed me how to use a pad when I was literally 9 years old and I was in school."
"I remember that my mom bled and she told me about menstruation when I was 5 years old."
"I didn't panic."
"I didn't feel traumatized."
"I was made aware."
"Kids, children need to be aware of these things."
"I know I would have cried or panicked if I wasn't informed."
"So in other words your BIL is entirely wrong. It is any female's place to show the younger females what their bodies will go through." ~ Ok_Bug4911
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Your wife took care of an awkward situation.
It may be time for a serious sit-down with your BIL.
He could still be in deep grief and may need more help than he realizes.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp