Helping to raise kids who have lost a parent is a difficult process.
Grief can often cloud the realization of life cycles that must continue.
Some parents may need more help than they thought.
But some help can be seen as crossing a line.
Even when it’s only family doing their best.
Redditor EcstaticDepth98 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA For Telling My BIL That Her Daughter Is on Her Period?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (41 M[ale]) am married to Nicole (40 F[emale]).”
“We have two kids 11F and 9M.”
“My B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] is my wife’s brother and has two kids as well, 12F and 7F.”
“My BIL’s wife died in a car crash a year or so back.”
“They’ve been living with us since then.”
“He’s a teacher and we love to finance teachers around here.”
“On Friday, my older niece started to complain about stomach pains and cramps to my wife.”
“We both kind of look at each other and both think ‘So he didn’t teach his daughter about this stuff, right?'”
“Given her age, it’s probably the most likely thing.”
“When my wife told her brother, he brushed her off with a ‘It’s not that.'”
“My wife eventually pulled her aside, gave her the details about it, and showed her how to use menstrual products (tampons and pads).”
“When my BIL found out, he was fine to be proven wrong, but he got a bit upset at my wife for ‘Stepping into a place that wasn’t hers.'”
“I get it, but based on his response, he wasn’t really in any hope of seeing our perspectives.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Were we TA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. I get that your BIL is in a difficult place right now – it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that your wife is gone and that your children will grow up and experience things without her.”
“But now that she’s gone he has to step into both roles, and he’s not doing it.”
“Someone had to.” ~ lonelyspren
“That was entirely her place to talk about, that is literally her role to educate her niece on that stuff.”
“The whole ‘village’ thing is real, it’s not just something people say.”
“I have a niece and I take my relationship with her really seriously, my sister’s a fantastic mum but I know I just have a different set of wisdom to offer her and I fully consider it my place to do so.”
‘I genuinely feel as though I have an important role in her upbringing as does my mum as her grandmother and I think that’s wonderful for her to have so many women to look up to.”
“You need to help your BIL understand this, that raising a kid isn’t supposed to just be done by the parents.” ~ Lemonsweets25
“Not to mention teenagers will sometimes go to other trusted adults regarding their problems before they go to their parents.”
“It’s not a sign they don’t love their parents.”
“Some things are just harder to talk about with them.” ~ UCgirl
“Particularly as it doesn’t seem like he’s been talking with her daughter a lot about menstrual health and periods, so his daughter might like talking about this with somebody who has gone through their period.”
“Also, given he dismissed a fairly obvious first period with ‘It’s not that,’ I somewhat doubt he has the prerequisite knowledge in this area to talk about it competently.” ~ haleorshine
“Yeah, it’s pretty normal for people other than the parents to be involved in a first period.”
“For example, my teacher handled mine as I was on a school camp at the time.”
“Also, even though dads are equally competent parents, with some things like periods it’s good to have a woman around to talk to.”
“I guarantee that BIL would not be well versed in what is and isn’t normal as far as periods go for a girl that age.”
“He also likely wouldn’t have the best information about the pros and cons of different period products since he doesn’t use them.” ~ Consistent-Flan1445
“Also, the niece might be more comfortable with a woman telling her this stuff, going to ask questions about sex in the future, etc.”
“The father might also not know how to use a tampon etc.”
“So unless he’s using Google to gain that knowledge, letting OP, who actually also deals with that same ‘issue,’ do the talk is a very valid way of learning things for those girls, especially now that their mother sadly can’t do it herself.” ~ Crazyandiloveit
“Exactly, when my mom and dad divorced and I went to live with my dad, I was 14 and so uncomfortable to even ask my dad to pick up menstrual products for me but we had a wonderful neighbor lady who would go to the store with me to get them and I was so grateful.”
“I knew my dad knew I had my period at the time but it was still awkward for me.”
“And then he had the Sex Talk with me and I could feel my face burning up.”
“I was so embarrassed because I wasn’t doing anything at the time but still wished I could talk to a woman about it… lol.”
“I’m 26 now and in a very happy and loving relationship and telling my dad that I’m pregnant was such a weird feeling for me but it was easier to tell my mom and the other women in my life.” ~ Shygirl22_
“NTA. He should have taught his daughter about this stuff years ago.”
“If he wants to be the one to teach his kids these things, then he needs to step up and actually teach his kids these things.”
“You gave him the opportunity to do it, and he just blew you off.”
“He abdicated that job the moment he refused to even consider what the issue might be.” ~ IAndaraB
“NTA. Urgency and discretion are important in this matter, and he should’ve already helped her prepare.”
“On that note, thank goodness for you and your wife because, with your 11-year-old and his 7-year-old daughter, it’s a good thing you two are ready and willing to jump in.” ~ MotherBike
“NTA – Your wife did them both a favor.”
“No girl wants to learn about periods from their father.”
“And I can’t imagine he was excited to have that conversation, given that he was pretending it wasn’t happening at 12.”
“If she was much younger maybe, your wife probably picked up on both of their discomfort and stepped in.”
“That’s what family is for in these situations and I’m sure his late wife would agree.” ~ acee971
“NTA. I grew up without a mother figure and when I was about 11 the girls in my class were talking about periods during breaktime.”
“I never heard of this before or knew what it was.”
“I learned about it from them.”
“That same day when I came home from school, I got my first period that evening, I didn’t freak out because I knew what it was now.”
“My stepmom the next day tried to explain what was happening but I already knew.”
“It’s probably better she heard it from another girl, this topic makes some guys so uncomfortable.” ~ burrn3r
“NTA. Your niece might even be more comfortable with a woman telling her about this stuff since your wife actually knows what it’s like and how it works.” ~ UnicornPoopPile
“NTA. Obviously, your BIL’s head was in the sand and that poor girl needed help.”
“I wonder what state you are in that this isn’t covered at school.”
“The first time I heard about a period was in school in fourth grade and this was in the mid-80s when it was a lot more unusual to start your period before age 12.”
“My mother also told me the basics that year, including where she kept the supplies.”
“In fifth grade, they got a lot more specific about cramps, bloating, etc., and good thing for me because mine started that year.” ~ C_Majuscula
“NAH and I think a conversation between your wife and her brother should happen when no one is emotionally wound up.”
“You are raising two girls, almost the same age, in the same house.”
“It’s impossible not to be involved with one another.”
“Your niece is going to want an adult woman sometimes.”
“There’s going to be more. Bras. Body hair. Odor.”
“Not that a father can’t manage that for a daughter but if he’s not proactive about it, she’s going to keep coming to her aunt.” ~ catscausetornadoes
“NTA- Dad needs to wake up.”
“My partner died and my daughter was 11F.”
“Between doctors (made sure they were F) and female family members who were asked to handle all the female issues we survived.”
“I bought the supplies and never judged or questioned it.”
“The girl doesn’t want to speak to a male about this and I have never used a tampon.”
“OMG wake him up from his fog.” ~ angrydad2024
“NTA. Sorry, but the female family members in a household are USUALLY the first ones to recognize something is going on, and a ‘Father’ who disregards the experienced advice of said female family member is an idiot.”
“He should be thankful that he had the help of his sister, his Daughter’s AUNT, at this time.” ~ Wandersturm
“NTA. It’s any woman’s duty to protect other females.”
“Some men don’t understand female anatomy, as a man do you know how to insert a tampon? No.”
“Because you don’t have the biological parts that correspond to females.”
“I believe it was my teacher who showed me how to use a pad when I was literally 9 years old and I was in school.”
“I remember that my mom bled and she told me about menstruation when I was 5 years old.”
“I didn’t panic.”
“I didn’t feel traumatized.”
“I was made aware.”
“Kids, children need to be aware of these things.”
“I know I would have cried or panicked if I wasn’t informed.”
“So in other words your BIL is entirely wrong. It is any female’s place to show the younger females what their bodies will go through.” ~ Ok_Bug4911
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Your wife took care of an awkward situation.
It may be time for a serious sit-down with your BIL.
He could still be in deep grief and may need more help than he realizes.