Widower Wants To Tell In-Laws About Late Wife's Affair So They'll Stop Asking Him To Talk About Her

Not every grieving person wants to talk about their pain and loss anytime a conversation about the deceased arises.

Every one grieves differently, but also everyone has different memories of a person who passed.

And they aren't always pleasant ones.

A man is tired of being forced to speak about his late wife every time he is around her family, especially since he found out she was having an affair while they were married, and is considering telling them about it just so they will leave him alone, so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.

Redditor Imdone-2244 asked:

"WIBTA if I told my late wife's family that she cheated on me?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"Ana, my late wife, died in a car accident, the person lost control of their car and ran her over, and she passed away immediately."

"We were both 26 at the time; it was 4 years ago, right before the pandemic."

"We were having a bad time as a couple, she was extreamly jelous of me and also very protective of her phone."

"Shortly after her death, I found out I had an STD, and surprise, surprise, she was cheating on me."

"On the day she passed, a guy we went to college and was kinda friends with sent her messages, asking for pictures of their last encounter and the way he talked. It seemed like it was recent, and it seemed that they talked often."

"I was able to get in her phone and laptop, as she didnt change her passwords because she would Always ask to check my phone, and I would ask for hers back, so I had the password."

"There wasn't much because she deleted everything or hid it very well, but the most recent messages, she obviously couldn't delete them, so everything that came after her death was still there."

"While looking for the pictures he asked for, I found pictures of her and him in a .rar deep in a random place at her work folders, at her laptop."

"In one of them she had short hair, which she only had right after we got engaged."

"So she was with him for at least three years out of our six years together."

"Also, I found pictures of 2 other guys, but I have no idea who they are, and there were no messages from either of them anywhere."

"I messaged the "friend" and told him that I knew, told him about the STD, and that I wouldn't reveal it to anyone and wanted it to be kept a secret forever."

"I asked him if anyone else knew, and he said that his ex knew, but he would talk to her."

"I decided that for the sake of her parents and siblings, I would pretend she was a great person and let them have their beautiful memories with her."

"Ana's older brother Thomas (34/M[ale]) is a good friend of mine to this day."

"I would even go as far as to say we are best friends."

"After two years of my wife's passing, I was ready to date again."

"Thomas said that he knew the perfect girl for me; he just wanted me to be sure I was ready for something serious before introducing ourselves."

"It was his sister-in-law, Laura (27/F[emale])."

"We knew each other only superficially, but never really talked before our first date."

"I fell for her quick and hard."

"We started dating and about 3 months in we were already telling each other I love yous and I told her I was going to marry her."

"It has been a little less than two years; we are engaged, and I have never been this happy."

"I told her all about my relationship with Ana."

"I still have the evidence of what she did stored away in my computer just in case, and I showed it to Laura."

"She cried a little and comforted me, but I assured her I was fine and that I was over it."

"The problem comes with Ana's Family."

"Especially her mom and sister."

"Ever since Ana's passing, every time they talk about her, people want to hear me talk."

"They ask me about her, and try to include me in conversations about her. 'Ana was such a good cook, right (my name)?,' 'I loved when she and (my name) would banter, you remember (my name)?'"

"Stuff like this."

"I was able to get by in the beginning by saying it was difficult for me to talk about her, that I was not ready."

"They let me be for a while, but ever since I started dating Laura, I couldn't use the' I'm not ready' excuse."

"Her friends, sister, and mom get annoyed if I don't sound enthusiastic or depressed (learned that it's easier to look depressed)."

"Also, if I talk about Ana in any way that doesn't portray her as an angel who came down to Earth to bless us with her presence, I get side-eyed."

"Thankfully, Thomas and her father are great guys, and don't push me too hard on this."

"Her dad is always thankful that I attend their Family gatherings, as we like to talk about our field of work. He always says he considers me a son."

"Her mom and sister, though, get pissy if I try to dodge the topic of Ana, and the sister even said it out loud once that its obvious that I didnt love Ana."

"She apologized after, but I mean, she isn't wrong, by the end I didnt, and sure as hell don't now."

"Look, I'm over what happened; I don't feel hate for Ana anymore."

"I sometimes catch myself wishing she was alive just so I didnt have to pretend anymore, but also because her death was a tragedy, a lot of people loved her."

"Her friends organize a reunion for her birthday, and those are incredibly hard. Even though I know her AP will be there, I go because I know how much she meant to those people."

"But this is all starting to get to me because it's affecting Laura."

"I can't say I love her in front of these people; I can't even hug her, and Ana's sister gets all moody."

"Her best friend stopped speaking to Laura (they were also friends)."

"Ana's mom even came to us at Thomas's birthday party last week and asked us to stop dancing to respect her grief."

"She also contacted my mom and Laura's parents to say that she was incredibly disappointed that I proposed to Laura so soon, saying that we are moving too fast."

"It's been four years. Even if she wasn't a cheater, more than enough time has passed."

"I'm just over it, and I'm seriously considering telling all of them what happened, just to get the weight off my back."

"WIBTA if I did this?"

Redditors weighed in on the situation and agreed he is not the a**hole (NTA) for feeling the way he does, but they did, however, urge him to have a conversation with his in-laws about the way he feels before he unloads everything on them.

"NTA. You're doing a nice thing to protect Ana's memory, but Laura is here and now, she does not deserve this treatment."

"Maybe as a middle ground, tell just her brother and have him try to address their behavior before you escalate." - Agoraphobe961

"Man, that's a heavy situation."

"It's great that you're happy with Laura, but dealing with Ana's family sounds like a lot."

"Maybe having a heart-to-heart with them, or even just focusing on your own peace, could help."

"You deserve to move forward without all this stress." - alexxprecious

"First off, condolences for your loss and the roller coaster ride of emotions."

"Don't weaponize her cheating."

"It will go over like a fart in church, and it will not be accepted by her mother & sister, who consider her daughter the equivalent of Christ reborn."

"Uness, if you want to burn bridges with that side of the family, consider divulging that information to be the nuclear option."

"Especially because you have such a good relationship with the male member of her family."

"The catty women would seek to drive a wedge between you guys."

"Stick to the topic."

"Sit down with your MiL & SiL and explain to them you will not be known as the grieving widower forever."

"You have a life and deserve to find happiness."

"It's what your wife would have wanted for you."

"You can love your ex-wife and cherish her memories without putting her on a pedestal where nobody can speak a lick of ill about her."

"This is not an ask for permission, it's you giving notice that you are moving on from your wife due to her death and will be pursuing happiness."

"You are not going to disrespect your new woman by withholding affection in front of your in-laws."

"Stop, get a grip of yourself and dont release that information unless you have done a chess move analysis of all parties & players involved and where you see yourself 5 moves from now if you ever open your mouth."

"I think you WBTA" - BeeYehWoo

All in all, though, they do feel he would be better off without his in-laws in his life.

"Looks like Ana's family is still trying to control your life, even from the grave."

"Maybe it's time to let go of their expectations and focus on your own happiness with Laura."

"You deserve it." - Miss_Hottiee

"I would honestly stop caring about what her mom and sister think."

"Maybe tell her brother just to explain why you would be distancing yourself and that's it"

"NTA" - throwinglater123

"Why are you still seeing them?"

"It sounds like it's affecting your relationship with Laura."

"You need to leave Ana and her family behind and make your own life with Laura." - greyhounds4life1969

According to his fellow Redditors, OP does need to have a conversation with his in-laws, but perhaps he should hold off on telling them everything for now.