Content Warning: Cancer, Late Wife, Widowhood, Grieving Process, Dating After Loss
We all know that grieving is messy and that everyone has their own way of grieving.
But just like a relationship ending, a person should wait a while to start dating after they’ve lost someone, not only so they can process the grief, but so that they can properly immerse themselves in a new relationship, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Big_Dragonfruit_5800 had been happily married to his childhood best friend and love of his life, only for her to then struggle with cancer for years.
After she passed away, the Original Poster (OP) struggled with being without her and wondered when would be a reasonable time to start to pursue another partner, potentially someone who would help him work through his grief.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for looking for a partner just three and a half months after my wife passed away?”
The OP was grieving the loss of his wife, who lost her battle with cancer.
“My wife and I (34 Male) were childhood friends, and we got married in 2017.”
“Since then, we have been living together in Canada. In 2021, she was diagnosed with cancer.”
“Everything seemed manageable until the end of 2022, but after that, things took a turn for the worse. Despite the challenges, we shared some beautiful moments together.”
“During her illness, I put my sexual needs aside as her health didn’t allow for it.”
The OP was struggling with being alone.
“She passed away about three and a half months ago (she was 33 Female), and now I find myself feeling lonely. I deeply miss her, but I also have a desire to fulfill my physical needs and crave companionship.”
“Am I the a**hole for wanting these things? I still love her and haven’t forgotten her, but I’m seeking some emotional and physical support as I navigate this difficult time.”
“I don’t have any kids and living alone here. I have no family members who live with me. Also, I am doing my therapy sessions and I would be 100% transparent to the person I am meeting about my current situation.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP but urged him not to expect someone else to heal him.
“NTA, but it’s not really fair to a partner to expect them to emotionally and physically support you while you grieve.”
“Personally, I would not date someone who lost a partner so recently.”
“You should definitely get some therapy.” – CTMom79
“My first thought was he had a codependency. This is not a good way to enter into any relationship, let alone one in which you just lost a spouse three months ago. I would be surprised if OP isn’t skirting around this topic with his therapist.” – Lower-Ad3764
“What you need is therapy and perhaps a bereavement support group. What you would have with someone now would be a ‘rebound,’ and it would be unfair to pursue a relationship just hoping for them to hold you up during this difficult time.”
“It’s the same reason people don’t recommend dating someone right after you break up with someone else. It’s worse when you’re grieving someone who has died rather than left.” – Robinnoodle
“I am a little bit baffled that you’d expect a woman who is a stranger to you to just swoop in and do emotional labor for you. Maybe learn to deal with your emotions independently and talk to your friends and therapist about your grief. You cannot expect grief support from a person you just met.” – Honest-Advantage3814
“Get a f**kbuddy, maybe. Make some new friends and start a hobby.”
“But leave romance and dating entanglement until you’re ready to see them as their own person, rather than as a physical outlet for sex you couldn’t have, or someone to be there whilst you grieve another woman.”
“Same as if you were recently divorced, I don’t know many emotionally healthy people who would date a recent widow/er. Nobody wants to be a therapist for a new date.”
“That would be a LOT to put on someone you are newly dating. Dating should be about having fun and getting to know each other after you’ve both processed your baggage from previous relationships. Not merely a reprieve from loneliness or sexual frustration.”
“Way too many people (especially guys) jump straight into a new relationship immediately after their last one ends, or they are bereaved because they are afraid of being alone. And then hope to replicate what they lost immediately. But rebound relationships are often unhealthy because they aren’t running on their own steam.”
“I’m sure you’re a great guy. But I don’t think you’re ready to offer something to a romantic partner yet. You have love inside you, but you aren’t ready to be the kind of date most people want or need – not until you heal.”
“Get bereavement counseling.” – linerva
“I think OP can be given the benefit of the doubt of just doing a s**t job of writing this rather than going straight in and saying you prefer to have cancer in the post where he clearly states he’s lost the love of his life to that very thing.”
“People grieve, he’s probably going around in a depression circle and is feeling sorry for himself. He’s lost the most important person in his life; he misses the intimacy, and I don’t just mean sex; every little hug or touch or text throughout the day. He’s also completely lost his future and all the plans they had made together.”
“I think he just desperately wants that back as soon as possible and hasn’t realized that this post does make him look like a bit of a p***k but when you actually think about what’s happened it’s understandable.”
“Just think back to the biggest heartbreak you’ve ever had from the ending of a relationship. Now think about that where neither partner wanted it to end and increase the sadness and loneliness tenfold because there’s no way of fixing the situation.”
“I just get the feeling Reddit expects people’s behavior to be f**king perfect 100 percent of the time and this really is a completely inconsiderate reply to somebody that’s probably going through the toughest time they will ever experience in their lifetime.” – BrieflyVerbose
Others were concerned about the OP’s focus on sexual intimacy in his post.
“It kinda sits weird for me that he goes straight to, ‘I put my sexual needs aside for her,’ as if he should be applauded as a hero for that when his wife is going through brutal treatments?”
“It makes me feel like his ‘loneliness’ is just ‘I wanna have sex because I was denied it SOOOO long.'”
“The whole thing just sits weird with me, I don’t know.” – unicornhair1991
“I just don’t get why men struggle so much more with being on their own (on the whole, not every man is the same of course).”
“I also find moving on in less time than it takes to change seasons (give or take) a little disrespectful to the spouse that’s died. It makes it seem like another thing to be discarded quickly in today’s disposable society. Like, it’s too difficult to spend time reflecting on their lost partner and healing, so hurry, hurry, fill the gap with another person. That’s just my personal belief, though.” – penfoldspenfold
“So you put your sexual needs aside for her… So noble! Such sacrifice!”
“What the f**k are you going on about??” – Renmarkable
“I’m sorry, am I the only one who thinks three and a half months is way too soon? I’ve never been through something so difficult and I’m not judging. I know everyone grieves differently, and we all have ‘needs.'”
“But your wife is supposed to be your wife because you love her; that should overpower sex. I just don’t think I’d ever entertain someone that’s trying to sleep with me right after their wife passed, that’s messed up.”
“It’s very disrespectful of your late wife, in my opinion. Your respect and love for her shouldn’t be conditional to her being here.” – Live_Chest5002
“I’m going to give OP the benefit of the doubt that it was bad phrasing as he is still processing his grief, but that phrasing was… a rough way to describe caring for your dying wife.” – Consistent-Fact-4415
“Personally? I think YTA.”
“I will say this. This kind of behavior is common among men. But I think it’s absolutely just a symptom of the unhealthy detachment to emotions that society ingrains in them. I think you need grief counseling before you make a decision like that.”
“Women aren’t just reprieve for your desire to have a warm body beside you. They are human beings. And if you’re going to seek out and commit to another, then frankly, you owe it to them to be the best version of yourself you can be. Otherwise, you risk hurting someone more than you do finding love again.”
“Three and a half months… seems too short.” – SignificantOrange139
The subReddit could completely empathize with the OP struggling with the loss of his wife, who also was his childhood best friend and who had lost her battle after years with cancer. That would be a tremendous amount for anyone to process.
But the OP started to lose the audience when he brought up sexual intimacy, especially less than four months after his wife passed away.
While it was understandable for him to be lonely and even to want support and connection during this difficult time, a relationship and intimacy didn’t seem to be what the OP actually needed, but rather ways to heal so that he could properly love someone again in the future.