Content Warning: Cancer, Late Wife, Widowhood, Grieving Process, Dating After Loss
We all know that grieving is messy and that everyone has their own way of grieving.
But just like a relationship ending, a person should wait a while to start dating after they've lost someone, not only so they can process the grief, but so that they can properly immerse themselves in a new relationship, reasoned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Big_Dragonfruit_5800 had been happily married to his childhood best friend and love of his life, only for her to then struggle with cancer for years.
After she passed away, the Original Poster (OP) struggled with being without her and wondered when would be a reasonable time to start to pursue another partner, potentially someone who would help him work through his grief.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for looking for a partner just three and a half months after my wife passed away?"
The OP was grieving the loss of his wife, who lost her battle with cancer.
"My wife and I (34 Male) were childhood friends, and we got married in 2017."
"Since then, we have been living together in Canada. In 2021, she was diagnosed with cancer."
"Everything seemed manageable until the end of 2022, but after that, things took a turn for the worse. Despite the challenges, we shared some beautiful moments together."
"During her illness, I put my sexual needs aside as her health didn't allow for it."
The OP was struggling with being alone.
"She passed away about three and a half months ago (she was 33 Female), and now I find myself feeling lonely. I deeply miss her, but I also have a desire to fulfill my physical needs and crave companionship."
"Am I the a**hole for wanting these things? I still love her and haven't forgotten her, but I'm seeking some emotional and physical support as I navigate this difficult time."
"I don't have any kids and living alone here. I have no family members who live with me. Also, I am doing my therapy sessions and I would be 100% transparent to the person I am meeting about my current situation."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP but urged him not to expect someone else to heal him.
"NTA, but it's not really fair to a partner to expect them to emotionally and physically support you while you grieve."
"Personally, I would not date someone who lost a partner so recently."
"You should definitely get some therapy." - CTMom79
"My first thought was he had a codependency. This is not a good way to enter into any relationship, let alone one in which you just lost a spouse three months ago. I would be surprised if OP isn't skirting around this topic with his therapist." - Lower-Ad3764
"What you need is therapy and perhaps a bereavement support group. What you would have with someone now would be a 'rebound,' and it would be unfair to pursue a relationship just hoping for them to hold you up during this difficult time."
"It's the same reason people don't recommend dating someone right after you break up with someone else. It's worse when you're grieving someone who has died rather than left." - Robinnoodle
"I am a little bit baffled that you'd expect a woman who is a stranger to you to just swoop in and do emotional labor for you. Maybe learn to deal with your emotions independently and talk to your friends and therapist about your grief. You cannot expect grief support from a person you just met." - Honest-Advantage3814
"Get a f**kbuddy, maybe. Make some new friends and start a hobby."
"But leave romance and dating entanglement until you're ready to see them as their own person, rather than as a physical outlet for sex you couldn't have, or someone to be there whilst you grieve another woman."
"Same as if you were recently divorced, I don't know many emotionally healthy people who would date a recent widow/er. Nobody wants to be a therapist for a new date."
"That would be a LOT to put on someone you are newly dating. Dating should be about having fun and getting to know each other after you've both processed your baggage from previous relationships. Not merely a reprieve from loneliness or sexual frustration."
"Way too many people (especially guys) jump straight into a new relationship immediately after their last one ends, or they are bereaved because they are afraid of being alone. And then hope to replicate what they lost immediately. But rebound relationships are often unhealthy because they aren't running on their own steam."
"I'm sure you're a great guy. But I don't think you're ready to offer something to a romantic partner yet. You have love inside you, but you aren't ready to be the kind of date most people want or need - not until you heal."
"Get bereavement counseling." - linerva
"I think OP can be given the benefit of the doubt of just doing a s**t job of writing this rather than going straight in and saying you prefer to have cancer in the post where he clearly states he's lost the love of his life to that very thing."
"People grieve, he's probably going around in a depression circle and is feeling sorry for himself. He's lost the most important person in his life; he misses the intimacy, and I don't just mean sex; every little hug or touch or text throughout the day. He's also completely lost his future and all the plans they had made together."
"I think he just desperately wants that back as soon as possible and hasn't realized that this post does make him look like a bit of a p***k but when you actually think about what's happened it's understandable."
"Just think back to the biggest heartbreak you've ever had from the ending of a relationship. Now think about that where neither partner wanted it to end and increase the sadness and loneliness tenfold because there's no way of fixing the situation."
"I just get the feeling Reddit expects people's behavior to be f**king perfect 100 percent of the time and this really is a completely inconsiderate reply to somebody that's probably going through the toughest time they will ever experience in their lifetime." - BrieflyVerbose
Others were concerned about the OP's focus on sexual intimacy in his post.
"It kinda sits weird for me that he goes straight to, 'I put my sexual needs aside for her,' as if he should be applauded as a hero for that when his wife is going through brutal treatments?"
"It makes me feel like his 'loneliness' is just 'I wanna have sex because I was denied it SOOOO long.'"
"The whole thing just sits weird with me, I don't know." - unicornhair1991
"I just don't get why men struggle so much more with being on their own (on the whole, not every man is the same of course)."
"I also find moving on in less time than it takes to change seasons (give or take) a little disrespectful to the spouse that's died. It makes it seem like another thing to be discarded quickly in today's disposable society. Like, it's too difficult to spend time reflecting on their lost partner and healing, so hurry, hurry, fill the gap with another person. That's just my personal belief, though." - penfoldspenfold
"So you put your sexual needs aside for her... So noble! Such sacrifice!"
"What the f**k are you going on about??" - Renmarkable
"I'm sorry, am I the only one who thinks three and a half months is way too soon? I've never been through something so difficult and I'm not judging. I know everyone grieves differently, and we all have 'needs.'"
"But your wife is supposed to be your wife because you love her; that should overpower sex. I just don't think I'd ever entertain someone that's trying to sleep with me right after their wife passed, that's messed up."
"It's very disrespectful of your late wife, in my opinion. Your respect and love for her shouldn't be conditional to her being here." - Live_Chest5002
"I'm going to give OP the benefit of the doubt that it was bad phrasing as he is still processing his grief, but that phrasing was… a rough way to describe caring for your dying wife." - Consistent-Fact-4415
"Personally? I think YTA."
"I will say this. This kind of behavior is common among men. But I think it's absolutely just a symptom of the unhealthy detachment to emotions that society ingrains in them. I think you need grief counseling before you make a decision like that."
"Women aren't just reprieve for your desire to have a warm body beside you. They are human beings. And if you're going to seek out and commit to another, then frankly, you owe it to them to be the best version of yourself you can be. Otherwise, you risk hurting someone more than you do finding love again."
"Three and a half months... seems too short." - SignificantOrange139
The subReddit could completely empathize with the OP struggling with the loss of his wife, who also was his childhood best friend and who had lost her battle after years with cancer. That would be a tremendous amount for anyone to process.
But the OP started to lose the audience when he brought up sexual intimacy, especially less than four months after his wife passed away.
While it was understandable for him to be lonely and even to want support and connection during this difficult time, a relationship and intimacy didn't seem to be what the OP actually needed, but rather ways to heal so that he could properly love someone again in the future.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.