Guy Refuses To Change Therapists Despite Wife Accusing Him Of Having An Affair With Her

We've all been through something, and anyone who has been through something serious enough that requires time, healing, and possibly therapy can attest to how important it is to be surrounded by a strong support system.

But drama can arise when a person receives help from someone other than their romantic partner, sometimes even if it's their therapist, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor BatNam44 went through a very traumatic incident that changed his life, his personality, and his mental health, and he needed a lot of help to get better.

When he finally started to heal after meeting a new female therapist, the Original Poster (OP) was surprised when his wife wanted him to switch to another therapist on the grounds that she assumed he was having an affair with his current one.

He asked the sub:

"AITAH for not changing therapists despite my wife thinking I'm having an affair with mine?"

The OP went through a traumatic incident and didn't cope with it well.

"I (32 Male) have been involved in a violent incident a few years back as one of the survivors. I don't want to be detailed, but it has obviously left a mark. At first, I thought I was doing okay, but as the weeks passed, I was becoming more irritable and less present."

"I couldn't sleep, I lashed out, and I was struggling at work. I kept having thoughts about how I could have acted differently, or how I could have avoided the situation altogether, or how I could have saved people."

"And sometimes those thoughts would come at the worst moments and ruin a full night's sleep or a great day with our daughter. It was really hard."

"The worst part was that I was being really impatient with our daughter (6 Female), and I started to really hate the parent I was becoming and even avoided her. My wife (27 Female) was very patient at first, but eventually she had enough as well, and we realized this wasn't going to work long term, and I needed help."

The OP decided to try going to therapy and taking medication to see if it made a difference.

"So I started therapy and medication. And this came with two major issues."

"First, medication took a long time to start working, and I was dealing with side effects before I ever felt the actual effect."

"The other issue is that I had a hard time finding a therapist I could actually connect with. I don't say they did anything wrong, but there was always a lot of silence and what I felt was judgment involved. I felt guilty for not doing well, for not getting better, etc., but things eventually did get better."

"Part of it, I think, was the meds, but another part was my therapist. She very quickly realized that silence made me uncomfortable and tried what she herself says some of her colleagues frown upon: she sometimes just shoots the breeze with me. So she tells me about her own experiences sometimes or even talks about unrelated stuff, and it really helped put me at ease and open up, and sessions have been going really well for months now."

"I feel I've been doing better and better able to process things. I haven't been sleeping as well as I hoped I would, but I've been doing better. I've been a better husband and better father, and I owe at least some of it to my therapist."

The OP's wife became increasingly concerned about his therapist.

"A few weeks ago, my car was in the shop, and I had my wife drop me off at therapy. Then she saw my therapist, and they exchanged pleasantries before my wife took our daughter to a nearby playground to wait to pick me up."

"When she picked me up, she clearly had something on her mind, but she wouldn't tell me what the issue was."

"After a few days of her being distant, I confronted her again, and she eventually confessed that she thought I had a crush on my therapist. She said the therapist has arm tattoos, which she knows I like, and she says she saw the therapist touching her hair, which indicates she's into me as well, and she now thinks that the reason I've been doing better is that I'm feeling guilty about the affair I'm having."

"I told my wife that I wasn't having an affair. She's not my mistress, she's not even my friend; she's a professional I pay to help me deal with my issue, and me doing well speaks for itself. Besides, she could probably lose her license for dating a patient, so even if there was something there, nothing would ever happen, to which my wife said that I shouldn't have an issue changing therapists then and finding someone less attractive (I don't find my therapist particularly attractive, though I don't think it's relevant anyway)."

The OP felt conflicted after talking to his wife.

"I refused. I've been trying to explain that changing a therapist I actually get along with and who is helping me is a bad idea. And besides, I don't want to reward what I think is unreasonable behavior. If my wife can't trust me, then I think our issues are bigger than me changing or not changing my therapy."

"But how do I bring this up delicately? This is an issue I don't know if I'm comfortable bringing up with my therapist because I worry it will make it more difficult for her to keep treating me, but also hiding things from my therapist clearly isn't going improve my treatment any."

"Still, am I wrong if I don't think the answer is just to change therapists because my wife got jealous?"

"AITAH?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some therapists empathized with the OP and encouraged him to empathize with his wife.

"Honestly, NAH, for now. I am so sorry to hear what you went through, and I cannot imagine what it's taken to start building your life back."

"I am a therapist, and the thing about trauma like this is that it rips through family systems. You are at the epicenter of hurt and fear, as you should be, but that does not mean that your wife and daughter don't have trauma from that day too, and from the aftermath."

"I'm not sure what your behavior looked like prior to getting treatment; you are vague, but I do imagine it could be jarring for your wife to watch, even if it's what she wants more than anything. Even if she can logically recognize how important therapy is, I'm sure there are feelings about not doing enough to help you or pull you out from where you were."

"Your wife and daughter probably also need therapy. How are they eating, sleeping, relating to others? How much of the load has your wife been carrying, and for how long?"

"NONE of this is your fault, but I do want to caution you against dismissing this as irrational jealousy. Based on the very brief interaction you describe, it's probably not about your therapist at all. She almost lost you once, and she is probably terrified of doing so again." - Spiritual_Hat2991

"NTA. I'm (37 Female) a therapist and honestly, this does happen. I would fairly often get this with male clients when they would start doing better. For some reason, that would prompt the partners to look me up and see that I was younger (I started at 25) and fairly conventionally attractive."

"I honestly think it's a, 'Well, why could I not fix them and she can?' thing. I know this myself because my own husband has PTSD. I try my best, but a partner can't be a therapist… even when they are a therapist!! Once he got into therapy, he did so well, and I was so proud of his progress. But if I'm being 100% honest with myself, it did give a twinge of, 'Well d**n! What did I miss?'"

"Most therapists would be open to meeting a partner if it helped you be able to continue to engage! Congratulations on your growth so far!" - Formal-Praline8461

"The method your therapist uses creates proximity and eventually more inappropriate connivance."

"You may not see it but she sounds a bit seductive or/and likes attention (the hair thing, the obvious tattoo showing are not neutral)."

"Also, I hope you're not making it your wife's fault. She seems to have been supportive in spite of being ignored and powerless in trying to help you."

"I might add that your wife's supposed insecurity is understandable because, according to yourself, you were irritable, distant, and kind of a jerk with your wife and daughter (my interpretation), and now you're all smiles and open with the 'cool and sexy' therapist." - Cannie5

"Your wife is uncomfortable because she probably thinks you are forming emotional intimacy with your therapist."

"There is a reason good therapists do not cross that boundary. You are not there to hear about her personal life, you are there to work on yourself. What she is doing is unprofessional, and there are reasons why lost professionals put up boundaries."

"I wouldn't be okay with this, either." - HiraethBella

"I'll be honest, as someone with a health psych background, it does sound like the style of your therapist's practice is crossing a line and that she may have some misplaced feelings."

"Your wife seems to be picking up on something, too. Accusing you of cheating is a bit much, but I can see what she's picking up on. It sounds like you're not picking up on that vibe, so NTA." - diomiamiu

Others assumed the OP's wife was feeling insecure right now, likely because of the trauma.

"From your narration, NTA; it sounds like she's insecure, which most likely stems from how both of you are trying to overcome a relationship obstacle right now, and she probably felt that the relationship isn't stable, and thus you might not want her anymore, instead preferring the therapist. (Even if you don't feel/think this way)" - lostcatttttttty

"NTA, but something is making your wife insecure, and I would recommend getting to the bottom of it before it escalates. Maybe include her in a session or two so she feels more comfortable with the therapist? Do some small special things for just your wife and acknowledge her feelings without validating them."

"Try, 'I'm sorry you feel this way towards my therapist. Nothing is happening. Besides that one meeting, is there anything else happening to make you feel that way? Something I think has been a positive change is that I'm being a better husband and father thanks to her help. Do you think that's true?'"

"I think your wife may be a little jealous that another woman (especially one described as 'your type') was able to pull you out of a funk that she couldn't. Some spouses take their role as the emotional support person more seriously than others, and when that's a challenge, it feels like cheating (even when it's not)." - FicklePangolin4961

"If it's the case that she's a little jealous, it may help to remind her that although it's understandable she feels that way, it also makes sense that the therapist was able to help you improve while she couldn't. She wouldn't be upset or jealous about a doctor helping you with cancer, because it's the doctor's job, and the doctor would have the knowledge and skills to be able to help. It's the same with therapy; they have specialized training to help heal you and keep your mental health stable."

"And even if she did have the training, there's a reason why health professionals don't treat loved ones. It's not her fault or her job to heal you; it's her job to be your partner, and here it may be a good idea to remind her that she's a wonderful wife, why you love her, and how much that helps you."

"It's not about her not being enough, as you can't cure PTSD with love. Having a loving, understanding partner helps, as would any stable, healthy relationship with loved ones, but it won't cure it. You can't cure cancer with love either." - SuperPopouchu

"While therapists should have boundaries, and we're not in a position to understand if they crossed a line or not, your wife is likely insecure about your therapist having access to a part of your life and a connection that's helping you manage your PTSD in a way she couldn't."

"Bringing her to a session is a great idea, but you both probably need to see a different couples therapist together to work through what she and your daughter went through as well." - pyxis-carinae

"Counselor here. I might suggest the first step in addressing what's going on with your therapist. Like with anything, she cannot help if she's unaware of what's happening."

"After this, if your wife wishes to join you in session to address it, that's fine, but I would think this may be a bigger issue, and your wife might benefit from seeing a therapist independently. Seems she is misinterpreting your response to what you've been through and jumping to conclusions about what your behavior and therapeutic relationship mean to you."

"If your therapist has been practicing long enough, this will likely (though unfortunately) not be an issue she's unfamiliar with and will have some insight on how to proceed. Good luck! NTA." - DavidtheScott

After reading the comments, the OP reflected a little on his situation.

"Thank you all for these replies. To answer some of your questions, what my behavior was like... I don't know how to exactly describe this is writing. It's like.. being really impatient when there wasn't really any need to be, if that makes sense."

"For example, we'd be going home from the amusement park, and my kid would be a kid, playing around or finding something really mundane incredibly interesting, and rationally now I know that this is wonderful, that she's being curious and exploring, and that you can't expect a (at the time) four-year-old to just behave, but at that moment it just seemed like the most upsetting thing in the world, like she was doing this to me on purpose."

"Part of the process I went through with my therapist was learning to acknowledge this reaction as it happens and not let it boil over into yelling at my child when she honestly doesn't deserve it."

"My wife was also burdened with a lot of the mental and physical labor of running the house, because even doing something as small as the dishes seemed exhausting. I used to love doing the dishes before the event, I'd just put headphones on and stand there washing dishes and doing chores for hours, but then suddenly it all became unbearable, exhausting."

"After coming home from work, I just couldn't bring myself to really do anything, and it all fell to my wife. And part of clawing my way back into 'normalcy' was learning to enjoy these things again, to enjoy the time I spend with my family rather than viewing it as an intrusion into my headspace. It's really hard to explain, but that's the just of it."

The OP agreed that he needed to be mindful of his whole family, not just himself.

"I think you might be right, and I've been so focused on my own experience that I didn't actually consider the damage done to my wife and daughter in all this."

"My daughter doesn't really understand what happened; she just knows a very watered-down kid version of events with the explanation that sometimes Daddy gets mad or sad even when he shouldn't, and it's not her fault, and I still love her very much. She's been doing okay socially as far as I can tell and is eating and sleeping well."

"My wife had been less okay. She used to go out with her friends much more often and be a bit more of a foody (which might have to do with me liking to cook), and that took a hit after the event, especially since I didn't like having people over anymore."

"These past months, I have been doing better, and we've been having people over again, and she also seems to be doing better with her appetite (since I'm back to cooking and not to boast, but I am better at it and actually have fun doing it). She's been carrying the load for a year or so almost by herself. I started picking the slack up again before I started seeing this therapist, but only in recent months did I come to enjoy these things again like I have before."

"The point is, I think you all might be right, and I should make more space for my wife's mental health and see how this relates to this issue. And again, thank you for these replies."

The subReddit applauded the OP for seeking help when he needed it, and they were relieved on his behalf that he was seeing progress now with a new therapist.

However, it seemed that the therapy sessions were not curing everything at home, and while suspecting an affair might be a bit much, it was clear that all of the trauma had done some damage at home, and it was time for the couple to work through some of those issues, so more healing could occur.