To keep the tradition of gift-giving a valued honor, many people place limitations on who will receive Christmas or birthday presents.
While boundaries shouldn’t be placed on generosity, one parent was a stickler about a restrictive rule. When that was challenged, he visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor 74tommyboy asked:
“AITA for not buying my daughter’s bf a present?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My daughter (19) has been dating a boy for two years. My kids also recently started using an app to list their wishlists. My wife asked if I had seen my daughter’s boyfriends list as ‘we need to buy him something’.”
“Maybe it’s just me, but growing up, my parents didn’t give two craps about who I was dating. Much less, have any intention of adding them to a present list.”
The OP continued:
“I asked a few friends and everyone was a resounding NO about this practice. My wife insists this is very normal and is calling me the AH for not wanting to comply.”
“In my opinion, a bf/gf relationship is typically a temporary one and as such, doesn’t warrant adding the person to the gift list. Now, if, for some reason, they ended up getting married, well, that then changes the equation. But until then… I’m a nope on this tradition being imposed on me.”
The OP added in the edit:
“A little more detail is probably needed, considering all the questions. We live 12 hours apart, so we don’t have the opportunity to ‘know him better’. Also, this is related to Christmas gifting.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors answered the call by putting in their two cents.
“Opinions are probably going to vary on this, but leaning slightly YTA for flawed rationale. They’ve been together 2 years, so this isn’t some rando HS interest of the moment.”
“Not saying break the bank, but if gift giving is something you all do in the family, a small little something would likely be appreciated as a sort of basic acknowledgment. Maybe ask daughter what they think is appropriate?” – ABeerAndABook
“I was thinking the same thing. No, they absolutely don’t need to go full-out for the bf, but if he’s coming over for Christmas or something, you should probably have a small gift for him.”
“Mostly slight YTA for his attitude. I don’t know anything more than what’s in the original post, but I feel like Cam in Modern Family, saying to Mitch, ‘Yes, and I’d like you and your daughter to have the same healthy relationship that you and your parents did.'” – NotNormallyHere
“Something small to unwrap would be a nice gesture. Maybe an ice scrapper and a gift card. My mom was a big fan of giving socks with cash. Nothing to grand, just something to make him feel included. Maybe suggest that your daughter & bf open the gifts with the rest of the family.” – Historical_Grab4685
“I’m Jewish, and although I had once or twice been invited to Christmas dinner at a friend’s house, I had never really experienced the holiday significantly until I spent Christmas at my then-BF’s house as an adult.”
“He was living with his parents to help out (his father had a fairly serious disability), post-divorce, and aside from the lovely experience of celebrating with a family who were so happy to spend time together, I think one of the most moving things was that his mum had wrapped a few small presents for me to put under the tree.”
“None of it was expensive, but it was all thoughtful – a little silicone chopping mat, for example, that could be rolled up and stored, because she knew I had a tiny kitchen in my apartment. It made me feel so welcome and included.”
“OP is an AH because his actual wife wants to make a kind gesture to the young man their daughter has now been dating for two years, and he’s so miserly and grouchy that his only reason not to is basically, ‘Well my parents were never generous like that, so why should I be?!’ I’m almost sad for him that he’s such a miserable human being.” – Sorry_I_Guess
“That’s where I’m at – the attitude makes OP the AH to where he can’t even be bothered to get the bf (who’s been with his daughter for a couple years) a little something. And this is related to Christmas so if they’re visiting why not try to make him feel included instead of feeling like a stranger? Is it really going to be too much effort for OP to eve get a $10 gift card for him?” – Defiant_McPiper
“Yes, if he’s coming for Christmas, it’s like going out of OP’s way to make sure he feels NOT included.”
“YWBTA. It’s not going to kill you to get him a few inexpensive but nice gifts to open so he feels included. Maybe a couple pairs of socks and a book about something he’s interested in. Or a nice, flannel shirt. Stop being a Grinch!”
“Just because OP’s family didn’t care about who he was dating doesn’t mean they were nice or right.”
“And if you can’t bring yourself to specifically gift him, at least gift daughter and bf a couple of things together. It’s not going to kill you to get a restaurant or movie theater gift card and put both of their names on it. Or a game they can enjoy together.” – abortedinutah69
“I agree on the attitude thing. Unless OP is really strapped for cash, there is probably more to gain than there is to lose from making a small gesture of kindness towards someone who is really important to his daughter. Who’d probably be quite upset about having her relationship described as ‘temporary.’ Lots of people get married having been together less time than they have.” – tiptoe_only
“Not even slight YTA, full YTA. It’s not a new boyfriend or girlfriend of 2 weeks or 2 months. They have been together for 2 years. Don’t need to break the bank and get him something like card and gift card or something small towards a hobby or interest.”
“Sh*t my fiancés family included me into their gifting and we had been together for 6 months when our first Christmas together rolled around. And everyone I know includes their children’s significant others in gifting as long as the relationship is fairly established(everyone has met them and they have been together for several months).” – effinnxrighttt
“Also the logic of ‘a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is temporary but if they get married that changes things.’ Like this isn’t married at first sight, people date before they get married and also some people choose to never get married but still have a committed lifelong relationship. Two years is a significant amount of time, it’s not like they’ve been together two months.” – Odd_Prompt_6139
“Exactly. Relationships aren’t always temporary. She might end up marrying this guy. My mom gets my bf a gift for Christmas and he gets my family gifts too. It’s not even expensive – they’ve done keychains before and everyone is happy.” – Pizzacato567
“I don’t even think you need to ‘lean slight’ – unless the bf is demanding something extravagant, the YTA is pretty clear.”
“Especially if the boyfriend is participating in family Christmas (and after 2 years I’d suspect yes, but far away so maybe you aren’t getting together) a modest gift seems totally appropriate and yeah, kind of expected. If you’re tight on budget, get your daughter something a little more modest than you normally would.”
“ ‘It’s probably a temporary relationship’. So what? The worst that happens is you spend $50 or whatever on a guy that made your daughter happy for a couple years. Are you so petty as to go demand he return the sweater or wallet or electronic gizmo when they break up?”
“Don’t be a Scrooge!” – Gbdub87
“YTA he is dating your daughter and will likely be around when people are opening gifts.”
“Just so you know, if you don’t include her partner in your life, she will probably not include you in hers. If his family is more welcoming to her than you are to him, guess where they’re going to spend all of their holidays… Are you willing to die on this hill to save 25-50 bucks?” – OutlandishnessNew259
“YTA. Although I admit that any reasoning that begins w ‘my parents didn’t’ is a quick nope for me. OP seriously believes that we as parents haven’t made any improvements or had any growth in 30 years? So what if it wasn’t like that then.”
“Now, most parents actually want to get to know their kids’ friends and significant others. For him to be around for 2 years and OP to treat him as tho he is just passing through is sad. Giving a small gift is as much for the daughter as it is for the bf.” – Suzdg
In a final update, the OP wrote:
“\WOW, okay, thanks for all the feedback. It just keeps on coming 😂. I had made a separate comment stating that I would be better about dealing with this scenario.”
“I guess it got buried with the other comments. I have accepted your judgment (good and bad) and got the bf a small gift. Thanks for sharing all your comments, everyone.”
Good thing they consulted the thread for a chance to redeem themselves.
Because the thought will always count, no matter the size of the gesture.