If a spouse dies, should the surviving spouse never date again?
I’ve heard people say they would want their partner to move on and be happy. I’ve heard people joke about haunting their partner if they date or remarry—but rarely have I heard anyone seriously demand their spouse not look for love again if they die.
The only time I have was in my Catholic childhood, where women would say they’d become nuns if their husbands died and their children were grown up.
I’ve never heard men make a similar vow, but why would anyone?
A widower turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after getting flack from his adult daughter for dating.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Express_Highway7696 asked:
“AITAH for not honoring my wife’s dying wish?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“6 years ago my wife passed away after a short illness. The day before she passed away, it seemed as though she may pull through, she said to me, ‘if I die, you’re not allowed to date’.”
“I laughed and promised I wouldn’t. Both of my daughters were there when she said it. That night things went horribly downhill and she was gone by noon the next day.”
“I’ve spent the last 6 years raising my girls and finally sent my youngest off to college in August.”
“I have been involved in a few support groups for people who have lost spouses for the last few years and earlier this year I really connected with a woman who lost her husband around the same time. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but we have been on a few dates and I’ve been trying to keep it concealed at least in the meantime.”
“We ended up going to a restaurant and our server was one of my older daughter’s friends from high school. She must have called or texted my daughter.”
“Her intent was not malicious. She’s always been a good friend to my daughter and I think it was probably a ‘hey, I saw your dad on a date. I’m so happy for him!’ type of situation. I’ve never known her to be vindictive.”
“Last night my daughter called to scream at me and basically told me I was cheating on her mother and I had no right to dishonor her request of me. She has ADHD, but has no formal diagnosis of autism, though it is suspected.”
“I am pretty furious she called me like that and I had to hang up and told her I’d call her in the morning when I’ve had some time to reflect. Now all I can think of is how horrible I am for this.”
“I’m 45 years old and I need companionship, but I don’t want my daughters to think I’m spitting on their mother’s grave.”
“My wife’s sister also texted me to tell me that my wife’s request was unreasonable and unfair, and that her family is not going to judge me if I move on and she would talk to my daughter about it.”
“I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my kids over this, but I am so damn torn.”
“AITAH for not honoring her request?”
The OP later added:
“Wow, thank you for all of the comments. I want to clear up, that when she said it, I did take it as a joke and I think she was joking as well.”
“The issue, as pointed out by a few is that my kids were present and took it seriously. They were 14 and 12 at the time.”
“She had been hospitalized with severe pneumonia and had been on oxygen for 2 days. All signs were pointing to a full recovery and it was during this time she made the statement.”
“None of us expected her to go downhill so quickly overnight.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was doing nothing wrong by dating (NTA).
“We lost my Dad a year ago (literally) and I told my Mom that if she meets someone who she wants as a companion, to go for it, so long as he treats her right. My parents were together for 52 years, married for 51.”
“Yes, my brothers and I are in our 40s and are far removed from our teen years, but our parents have their own lives to lead.”
“I have a friend who lost her husband suddenly and ended up meeting a guy a few years later. Her sons were pissed and accused her of cheating on their Dad.”
“Incredibly selfish of them to think that their 40s Mom should live the rest of her life alone. Her sons were in their 20s.” ~ Accomplished-Elk8153
“I used to work with a woman who was around 30-35 and her dad was in his mid-50’s. He had been a widower for maybe 5-10 years. She told me one time that him getting married again was not happening and that she would not let it happen.”
“I was pretty shocked. 50’s is not old and I really hope that if the dad ever met someone, he had the intestinal fortitude to stand up to his daughter!” ~ Icy_Radio_9503
“I’m a widower; I know the feeling. You’re NTA. You need to live your life. You’ve grieved. You have not dishonored your late wife. It’s okay to move on.” ~ UhOhBeeees
“I’m also a widow. You waited 6 years (intentionally or not) that should be a judgment free amount of time (Victorian era had longest mourning and that was 3 years). NTA in any form.” ~ Gamer_Anieca
“Widower as well. My girl wanted me to find someone. Hope OP’s daughter realizes they are being selfish.” ~ IntrepidDifference84
“Daughter is obviously still grieving, honestly I don’t think anyone ever stops grieving, but that doesn’t mean OP is not allowed to date.” ~ Big-Journalist-294
“you’re not the a**hole for this. you’re allowed to move on. you’re 45, your daughter is completely insane to think that you’re not going to date or see anyone else.”
“i do think you did the right thing to wait until your daughters were grown though to start dating. you’re allowed to love other people, that doesn’t mean you don’t love their mother anymore, it’s just a part of healing and moving on.” ~ Double-Swimming-8845
“Even if the mother was serious, the daughters are not in charge of controlling their father’s life and relationships. OP’s daughter needs therapy and common sense. Dating and loving again does not mean forgetting a beloved one.” ~ Orsombre
“This wasn’t a logical reaction, it was an emotional one… and it should be pretty easy to see why someone would feel that way.”
“But they do need to move past it… hopefully with the help of therapy.”
“I’m also guessing she was upset that she learned from her friend… and that contributed to an emotional outburst.”
“12 and 14 and their Mother is now this… saintly figure. Not a parent. Not someone you grow up and realize had flaws. They’re ONLY remembered for the positives at that point.”
“So I’d give them a little grace, even at ~18 and ~20… but they absolutely need to have a calm, rational discussion. And Dad can tell them how Mom was funny and how she was joking. I can’t fathom having to have that discussion.” ~ Upstairs_Whole_580
The OP provided an update:
“I called my daughter this morning and asked her if I can come to her campus for breakfast with her. She goes to school an hour away so it isn’t a bad drive.”
“Apparently, my sister-in-law did talk to her last night and told her she was being irrational and unfair and that I deserve to be happy. My younger daughter, who goes to school several hours away, also told my older daughter it isn’t a big deal and I’m allowed to live my life.”
“We had breakfast and walked around her campus for a few hours. We talked about her mom and how much we all loved her and miss her.”
“We had some laughs and cries, and I told her I would never try to replace her mother, and anyone I date would have to get along with my girls. She is still upset, which I acknowledged, but she agrees it’s unreasonable to expect me to go the rest of my life alone.”
“She apologized for her reaction and genuinely felt bad that she acted that way. I suggested we go to therapy together to work some of this out, but she’s really busy at school, so wouldn’t be able to until winter break.”
“I feel like I left with her understanding and really hope she won’t hold this against me. I was not even looking for a relationship, especially at a support group.”
“We met in March, went on our first date in July, and have only been on 3 more since. We have not even been intimate, so I’m not exactly sure where it’s going.”
“I appreciate all of the responses and advice from everyone!”
It looks like things are headed in the right direction for the OP and his daughter.
Hopefully things continue to improve.