It's nice when former romantic partners can become friends. It saves all of their mutual friends from having to choose between them.
But it's not always possible nor always a good idea. Some people should stay far away from each other.
A woman who thought her husband's ex from 10 years ago had smoothly transitioned to strictly friendship turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
No-Razzmatazz-9947 asked:
"AITA for telling my husband's ex that I must have been the favorite girlfriend since he married me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"OK, so my (40s, female) husband (40s, male) have been off and on since we were 12, broke up at 22, took a 17 year break—because that's how long I was with my ex—and got back together 3 years ago and have been married for a little over 2."
"He spent almost 3 years with an ex, but they broke up about 10 years ago. The ex, who I will call Patty, and my husband Doug broke up on good terms."
"He told me what ended the relationship was that it had ran it's course and just ended. He said there was no big fight, no wanting the other back, nothing—it was just over."
"She will reach out here and there to say happy birthday, merry Christmas and she reached out when she heard we were getting married and gave us her congratulations."
"Saturday night we went to the local bar and she happened to be there and we all sat together drinking, talking and just hanging out."
"Her sending him a happy birthday message and a merry Christmas message and nothing else over the years is the extent of the friendship. I've never had a friendship with her though, I'd never met her before Saturday."
"We never thought anything of it with her because seriously it was only 1 to 2 messages a year. And he always showed them to me and it was her sending a sentence."
"He'd thank her and she'd read it and that would be it. I mean this was the one and only time I'd ever even met her."
"I was 3 Jack and Cokes in and I can not remember how it got brought up, but Patty at one point said 'Well at least I will always be your favorite girlfriend'."
"I laughed and said 'Wouldn't I be his favorite girlfriend since I'm the one he married?' She stopped smiling and just looked at me. She finished her drink and left not long after that."
"Last night Doug got a long message from Patty saying she was really shocked at how jealous, immature, petty and mean I am given my age and that I should be more secure in our marriage and in myself and that it's okay for Doug to care about others besides just me."
"She also told him how much him telling her she was his favorite girlfriend all those years ago had always meant to her and can't understand why I had to sh*t on it."
"Doug told her he was sorry what I said upset her, but that I was just saying a fact. I was the favorite girlfriend and that's a huge reason he married me."
"She sent back another long text saying I just think I'm better than her because Doug had a very firm stand that he would never marry, he didn't care if he had a gun to his head, it wouldn't happen."
"When we reconnected this time, he asked me to marry him after a month and we married after 8 and a half months."
"Doug told her that it wasn't true, I don't think I'm better than anyone and said again he was sorry she was hurt, but that I said nothing wrong, told her the things she was saying about me aren't true and to never speak about me like that again."
"I truly never in a million years would want to hurt anyone's feelings. I said I was his favorite because I feel like you marry your favorite person don't you?"
"Why would you marry someone who isn't your favorite? So am I the a**hole here?"
"Doug told me it's not in any way on me that she got hurt. My best friend said that I didn't say anything that wasn't true and thinks maybe Patty is going through some stuff or just went through a break up and is just taking it out on me."
"I just wasn't sure of myself because I do not like knowing someone is hurt by me. I have a problem with people pleasing that I know is a problem and thankfully I have really come a long way with not doing it."
"But this was a hiccup in my recovery. When you people please for as long as I did, it's hard to say that you are not responsible for someone else's feelings—if that makes any sense—because we feel like we are responsible for all the feelings."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I hurt someone's feelings and apparently it meant a lot to her thinking she was my husband's favorite girlfriend."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. She's going through something alright—accepting the fact that you broke her delusion that although he was marrying you, she was still his favorite." ~ tell-it-str8t
"OP, NTA. Your husband is right, you said nothing hurtful or incorrect."
"Patty wants your husband. She can't have him. More power to you! He chose you, period!"
"Now she's attacking your character after you sat her in the dirt for publicly making a fool of herself over YOUR husband. She's the AH." ~ jlaw1791
"NTA. Patty wants your husband. She just didn't like getting called out on her ridiculous comment."
"Of course all this was said after several adult beverages and if nothing else was said, that would he the end of it. Clearly she still has it bad for your husband as she's trying to point her finger at you and making you seem like the bad guy to your husband."
"And thankfully it seems you have a good man who didn't fall for that nonsense. My husband had an ex like this and it was so bad."
"She literally changed her appearance to look like me to get his attention. Did all kinds of things. I kept telling him and he wouldn't believe it. That is, until she went crazy."
"One day about 6 months into our relationship, she called him. She wanted to hang out with him, but we were together. She gave him an ultimatum of either her or me."
"He chose me, but only because he hates ultimatums and refuses to play into that. He hasn't spoken to her since—it's been 15 years."
"Unfortunately, my husband's crazy sister has since become best with her, and she fills my husband in on her life. Last year, my sister-in-law came into town, and all she could talk about was my husband's ex... like ugh. My mother-in-law still has a family portrait with this ex in it... again ugh." ~ KarenEater
"I mean you weren't wrong or mean. She's just hurt that he 'changed' his stance on marriage for you. I don't know if that's true or not, but she's not the one with the ring."
"I would find it insulting and a highly red flag if I got married and my husband was like 'yeah, someone else was my favorite girlfriend'." ~ BriefHorror
"One of my exes told me years after we'd broken up that I was and always would be his fave girlfriend. At the time, that meant a lot to me."
"These days, I wouldn't care less if he married someone else who became his favorite; in fact, it'd make total sense if he did, and I'd find it weird if he ever said otherwise."
"Why? Because I've moved on. Which this person here clearly hasn't. NTA." ~ PlasticLab3306
"NTA. It's weird that she said it at all, and even weirder that she made such a huge deal about it when corrected."
"Like what did she expect, for him to say that yes, she is, in fact, his favorite of all the people he ever dated? To what end?" ~ Maleficent-Leek2943
"Like, I'm lost on how she was so surprised that OP corrected her… obviously you weren't the favorite girlfriend if he chose to marry a different one. What about that would be shocking?"
"It's just common sense, and even if she lacks the common sense to understand that he doesn't like her more than his own wife, how about the common sense that you don't say something like that to a couple? Just weird. NTA." ~ Ok-Permission-6553
"It's actually kind of pathetic of her to have said it at all. And for her to be so upset at being corrected by his WIFE that she sends some long text to the husband?"
"Weird, dude. F*cking weird. OP and her husband should distance themselves from her. NTA." ~ DARYLdixonFOOL
It sounds like Patty isn't quite over the OP's husband, nor is she interested in being friends with the OP.
Probably a good time to cut ties with her.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.