Relationships require patience and compassion and, more often than not, a rather substantial amount of compromise.
The trouble, though, is compromise often feels like a game that everyone loses.
This was the problem facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Throwaway_resentful and so she came to the Am I the A**hole (AITA) Subbredit for guidance.
She asked:
"AITA for suggesting "paying" my husband with video game hours?"
First, the premise:
"Hello. I asked a question how to not be resentful of my(27-female) husband (27-male) and got a lot of feedback but that's a different post."
"With all the feedback I came up with an idea that I could offer to 'pay' my husband with video game time for chores he completed."
Then, the tutorial:
"Background: my husband doesn't work, doesn't clean, only video games and I'm becoming resentful."
"I tried talking to him about helping out around the house but he claims he forgets. When I suggest putting chores on the refrigerator he says it's demeaning."
"The thing is I have access to the internet as I pay all the bills. I could in theory shut off his internet until chores get done but I feel that's what you do with children."
The opening scene:
"Incident in question: After many suggestions, I wondered how about paying my husband with video game hours for chores he completed. This way he does work around the house and he still gets to play his precious video games."
Seems simple enough.
"I laid out what I thought was reasonable compensation for chores as they aren't that hard washing dishes 90 minutes, taking out trash 30 minutes, putting away laundry 2 hours stuff like that."
Straightforward rules set...
"He basically yells at me that's even more demeaning and childish and I'm a major AH for even thinking this."
...but every game has some glitches.
"So I'm wondering AITA for this suggestion/ compromise? Our friends are split. Some think it's hilarious and justified others think I'm being controlling."
Her friends were indecisive, so OP laid the issue out for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some got right to the point.
"NTA.... but I can't help but ask why you are doing this to yourself?"
"Why be with an unemployed 27-year-old man who can't be bothered to even help around the house while you work all day, and behaves like a literal child when you ask him to help?"
"Is he even looking for a job or has he just resolved to the fact that you'll act like his mom for him?"~cycleski
Others tried to be more balanced.
"Not only that long-term relationships wax and wane on responsibilities. I learned though my ex-husband not doing chores was NOT the same as my current partner."
"Two reasons, the main one being WE TALK ABOUT IT. and the second being, after said talk, we discuss ways to work WITH the problem, not against."
"And I don't just mean money I mean chores too. I have a degenerative disability and last December awoke paralysed down my right side."
"It's better now, but my arm is fucked up and I can't do any motion that requires my arm on 'multiple planes'. So anything that's not a barbie doll movement basically. I once dislocated taking my sock off."
"My partner has taken the financial AND chore slack during that time."
"I brought up frequently how much I wanted to help and even discussed financial aid with my GP to get a cleaner out to make up for my lack of work."
"It fell through, but constant work and talking was being done to mitigate the issue."
"When my partner just wants to play video games for a day and not clean, even if the house is trashed, I 100% know we will get to it when our stress is less or our pain levels are lower."
"So because of this I am more than happy to set up the video game system for them and pillows and snacks. Especially if I'm having a good pain day - they deserve rest too!"
"So it ends up when a relationship ISN'T good, you think its SUPPOSED to be like above and you put up with sh*t because... 1 they weren't like this 2 relationships ebb and flow 3 memories of times they did the same for you"
"And then it's been 5 years and your husband hasn't picked up a c*msock the entire time and you have to beg him to chop an onion in front of the tv to 'help' with dinner."~splithoofiewoofies
Concerns were raised about the relationship.
"Agreed. If you have to resort to treating someone like a child just to get basic needs met then the relationship is already doomed"~MelodicCarpenter7
Also...
"Yeah. He's not providing any solutions because he doesn't see 'my wife is unhappy and overworked' as a problem, which is very concerning in a marriage."
Also: I know multiple couples who have honey-do lists. It's not demeaning unless you already have a deep insecurity about your wife being the breadwinner."~SoonerStates
Mostly, the consensus was OP's husband was the final boss.
"Why are you tolerating this behavior from him?"
"Your husband is not an equal partner for you and seems to have no interest in becoming one."
"Are you planning on having kids with him?"
"How's that going to play out, do you think?"
"Even if you don't have kids, a lifetime of tolerating his childish behavior just sounds hellish."~HomelyHobbit
Having seen all the comments, OP decided to come back for an after-credits scene of her own:
"Wow I was not expecting this to get as big as it did."
"Some of the comments have mentioned he has no money and I signed up for this."
"I also got asked if he has a trust or savings. He doesn't but he is an only child and would inherit everything from his family but I never wanted to 'bank' off that money nor did I marry him for that reason."
"He was a hardworking student when I met him and solely focused on college which is why he did not have a job. I didn't think he would refuse work after college."
"I apologize if I wasn't clear on this"
We fade to black on this story knowing OP has her work cut out for her, but maybe in the end she can find a compromise that works for both of them.
Otherwise, this might just be game over.
Woman Breaks Up With 'Clingy' Boyfriend For Making Joke About 'Getting With' Her Sister
As much as we might want to date someone, there's no point in trying to gain the attention and affection of someone who does not want to reciprocate.
Dating someone "similar" to fill that void isn't a good look, either, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Flashy-External1666 had been long-distance dating a guy from her friend group for about a month, even though he'd expressed his attraction to her older sister repeatedly before they started dating.
When her sister entered a new relationship, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and disgusted that her boyfriend insinuated that he could have been trying to "get with" her sister while he was instead busy dating her.
She asked the sub:
The OP was aware that her boyfriend had his eye on someone close to her before dating her.
"I (19 Female) am with M (21 Male), and we've been together for a month. We were friends before this, for a while."
"For some background, when we were in a friend group, he'd always talk about how my sister (23 Female) was super hot and how he wanted her, but she was in a relationship at the time."
When he found out that her sister had been in-between relationships, he had an unsavory reaction.
"Earlier today, I mentioned to him how my sister started seeing this new guy, and I was super proud of her, because she went through a lot with her last relationship."
"His immediate reply was, 'Dang,' one month too late' with a sad emoji, insinuating that he was one month too late to get with her, because we've been together for a month."
You can see the text message exchange here:
The OP was immediately turned off by the idea of dating him.
"After I got upset and he apologized, he immediately sent me a reel that said, 'When she's already upset about me, but I have a second joke in mind.'"
"I feel like he genuinely doesn't care about me."
"He has also gotten weirdly clingy within the month, like red-flag clingy."
"He keeps trying to say how he loves me, wants to marry me, and wants me to go live with him. But he also always brings up my exes and gets super jealous when HE mentions them."
"I don't know what to do. Should I block him??"
"He's mentioned before that I would need to block him on everything if we ever broke up because he'd never leave me alone (we are currently long-distance)."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some were grossed out by the boyfriend's text message and understood why the OP was upset.
"The fact that he wrote all that out and even added a little emoji at the end and still decided to send it, knowing it would be hurtful for you."
"Seems like he’s texted that to see if he could get away with it. Either way, you don’t say something like that to someone you care about…" - Oven_Traditional
"NOR. Ew! That’s so disrespectful coming from someone who should be thrilled to have you."
"I’m team 'dump him.' If he has a brother, maybe ask for his brother’s number as you end it just to see how he likes it." - Entire-Tonight-1463
"NOR. He's not joking about your sister. Based on what he's said about her in the past, it would have been a wise move to NOT date him at all. PERIOD."
'There's a possibility that he's clingy/close to you for the purpose of indirectly keeping an eye on your sister. Release him and let him go, thereby setting yourself free from foolishness." - AtlJazzy2024
"He’s not for you… Break up with him and block him. You deserve a guy who treasures YOU!" - Muted-Lynx-8745
"He might be your boyfriend, but you're not his girlfriend. In his mind, your sister is." - Save-your-spoons
Others urged the OP to block her boyfriend and move on.
"Girl, it's been a month. Let that loser go." - sleepymelfho
"He kept OP as a backup, while circling her sister's orbit. What has happened to transparency and honesty in relationships? All I read now is obnoxious men doing obnoxious things to their partners."
"OP, he's keeping you around to stay close to your sister. You deserve better... NOR." - ColdHandGee
"NOR. You know that he's not joking about wanting your sister. He told on himself before you even got together, talking about how hot she was. Believe him."
"Break up with him and cut him off immediately. I can't believe you ever agreed to date him in the first place. I'd never want to date someone who had the hots for someone else in my immediate circle, whether that was a sibling or a friend." - Lanky_Mud_8148
"You’ve been dating one month, and that’s one month too long."
"He’s not joking about your sister. He fancies her more than you, and you’re the consolation prize. He will pursue her given the chance."
"Time to dump him." - Special_Wind_6708
"NOR. He can't have your sister, so you're just the next best thing. Him being a clingy weirdo that 'will never leave you alone' is the cherry on top."
"You know what to do. Dump him and block him on everything. If anyone from the friend group asks, just tell them what you told us. And you REALLY should warn your sister; you have receipts." - sdoM-bmuD
"Ditch him. Honestly. What are you waiting for?" - forget_me_not_uwu
"NOR at all. Cut this loser out of all channels of your life."
"I wouldn’t block, though. Just ghost so that he can watch you become happier without him as the ultimate revenge because I’m petty like that, and he clearly deserves it."
"ALSO, if he's as creepy and clingy as he sounds, you can have him muted, so he can see your activity, but you won't have to see his... But you'd have all of his messages as receipts if he ever became threatening or stalkerish for police purposes."
"For more context: My mum started dating my dad (when she was 19, too), who initially tried to go for her older sister (two years older) and got rejected."
"After three years of dating, seven years of engagement, and 20 years of marriage where she put up with an incompetent man-child that wouldn’t do anything for himself and expected her to completely cater to him while he berated her and treated her like s**t..."
"...it ended in him cheating on her with a waitress for over a year and denying it until my mum had literal photographic evidence, to which he had the audacity to respond with the reasoning that she was the reason he was 'driven to cheat' (as if that was even remotely close to the truth and the only option to solve his ‘problems’)."
"Save yourself, girl. This man-child can learn to pine over you and your sister from afar as you both skip into the sunset together, moving on with your lives and into better relationships that fulfill you the way you deserve!" - peachycritter
Some cautioned the OP to also cover her tracks after the breakup, as he sounded worse than "clingy" to them.
"The actual scary part isn't even the sister joke; it's, 'he said he'd never leave me alone if we broke up,' only one month in."
"That line gave me chills, and that alone would have me Googling how to block someone on every platform that exists." - babydoodle91
"Ew. These super clingy guys right out the gate are scary. Please watch your step, and erase your tracks." - Immabirb
"He sounds like a stalker... Drop him now, fast. And block him everywhere." - Admirable_Program720
"NOR, yes, you block him, and you keep him out of your life, and you tell mutual friends that if they try to facilitate contact between you two, you will block them as well. He isn't joking." - JustAsICanBeSoCruel
"I watch way too much crime for this!"
"Girl, block him. Also tell your sister to block him, too; he’s obsessed with her." - MrsRoronoaZoro
"NOR. You're underreacting, honestly."
"He wants your sister, but you're close enough. He's obsessed with her and won't give it up even though he has someone he 'wants to marry.'"
"Also, he's not lying. He probably will stalk you online afterwards; please be careful." - Phoenix-Phire-38
"NOR at all. Your post kept adding on more red flags with each additional sentence. I know you’re young, but he’s toxic, and yes, you will need to block him."
"Breaking up with someone you have strong feelings for is really difficult, so when you leave, you should make sure to lean on friends and family and keep yourself distracted with things you like and find engaging." - query_tech_sec
"The s**t with your sister is nothing compared to the love-bombing and jealousy. This guy is trouble, and scary, and you will have done the right thing when you leave him and maintain the distance between the two of you. NOR." - potatomeeple
After receiving feedback, the OP posted an update, but it seemed to be only the beginning.
"Thank you for making me feel less crazy."
"I blocked him on everything and deactivated my Instagram."
"He DM'ed a girl that I had posted ONCE on my Instagram Stories, asking about me."
"I'm not sure if he's going to keep trying to talk to me, but I hope not."
The subReddit's internal alarm bells were ringing while reading the OP's post, and they hoped that she'd leave her boyfriend in every sense of the word. They already lived long-distance, but she needed to cut him off in every other sense.
Not only was it obvious that he wanted someone else and was with the OP to "make up for it," but his "promises" of not leaving her alone if she ever broke up with him were love-bombing and stalker-like, at best.