Relationships require patience and compassion and, more often than not, a rather substantial amount of compromise.
The trouble, though, is compromise often feels like a game that everyone loses.
This was the problem facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Throwaway_resentful and so she came to the Am I the A**hole (AITA) Subbredit for guidance.
She asked:
“AITA for suggesting “paying” my husband with video game hours?”
First, the premise:
“Hello. I asked a question how to not be resentful of my(27-female) husband (27-male) and got a lot of feedback but that’s a different post.”
“With all the feedback I came up with an idea that I could offer to ‘pay’ my husband with video game time for chores he completed.”
Then, the tutorial:
“Background: my husband doesn’t work, doesn’t clean, only video games and I’m becoming resentful.”
“I tried talking to him about helping out around the house but he claims he forgets. When I suggest putting chores on the refrigerator he says it’s demeaning.”
“The thing is I have access to the internet as I pay all the bills. I could in theory shut off his internet until chores get done but I feel that’s what you do with children.”
The opening scene:
“Incident in question: After many suggestions, I wondered how about paying my husband with video game hours for chores he completed. This way he does work around the house and he still gets to play his precious video games.”
Seems simple enough.
“I laid out what I thought was reasonable compensation for chores as they aren’t that hard washing dishes 90 minutes, taking out trash 30 minutes, putting away laundry 2 hours stuff like that.”
Straightforward rules set…
“He basically yells at me that’s even more demeaning and childish and I’m a major AH for even thinking this.”
…but every game has some glitches.
“So I’m wondering AITA for this suggestion/ compromise? Our friends are split. Some think it’s hilarious and justified others think I’m being controlling.”
Her friends were indecisive, so OP laid the issue out for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some got right to the point.
“NTA…. but I can’t help but ask why you are doing this to yourself?”
“Why be with an unemployed 27-year-old man who can’t be bothered to even help around the house while you work all day, and behaves like a literal child when you ask him to help?”
“Is he even looking for a job or has he just resolved to the fact that you’ll act like his mom for him?”~cycleski
Others tried to be more balanced.
“Not only that long-term relationships wax and wane on responsibilities. I learned though my ex-husband not doing chores was NOT the same as my current partner.”
“Two reasons, the main one being WE TALK ABOUT IT. and the second being, after said talk, we discuss ways to work WITH the problem, not against.”
“And I don’t just mean money I mean chores too. I have a degenerative disability and last December awoke paralysed down my right side.”
“It’s better now, but my arm is fucked up and I can’t do any motion that requires my arm on ‘multiple planes’. So anything that’s not a barbie doll movement basically. I once dislocated taking my sock off.”
“My partner has taken the financial AND chore slack during that time.”
“I brought up frequently how much I wanted to help and even discussed financial aid with my GP to get a cleaner out to make up for my lack of work.”
“It fell through, but constant work and talking was being done to mitigate the issue.”
“When my partner just wants to play video games for a day and not clean, even if the house is trashed, I 100% know we will get to it when our stress is less or our pain levels are lower.”
“So because of this I am more than happy to set up the video game system for them and pillows and snacks. Especially if I’m having a good pain day – they deserve rest too!”
“So it ends up when a relationship ISN’T good, you think its SUPPOSED to be like above and you put up with sh*t because… 1 they weren’t like this 2 relationships ebb and flow 3 memories of times they did the same for you”
“And then it’s been 5 years and your husband hasn’t picked up a c*msock the entire time and you have to beg him to chop an onion in front of the tv to ‘help’ with dinner.”~splithoofiewoofies
Concerns were raised about the relationship.
“Agreed. If you have to resort to treating someone like a child just to get basic needs met then the relationship is already doomed”~MelodicCarpenter7
Also…
“Yeah. He’s not providing any solutions because he doesn’t see ‘my wife is unhappy and overworked’ as a problem, which is very concerning in a marriage.”
Also: I know multiple couples who have honey-do lists. It’s not demeaning unless you already have a deep insecurity about your wife being the breadwinner.”~SoonerStates
Mostly, the consensus was OP’s husband was the final boss.
“Why are you tolerating this behavior from him?”
“Your husband is not an equal partner for you and seems to have no interest in becoming one.”
“Are you planning on having kids with him?”
“How’s that going to play out, do you think?”
“Even if you don’t have kids, a lifetime of tolerating his childish behavior just sounds hellish.”~HomelyHobbit
Having seen all the comments, OP decided to come back for an after-credits scene of her own:
“Wow I was not expecting this to get as big as it did.”
“Some of the comments have mentioned he has no money and I signed up for this.”
“I also got asked if he has a trust or savings. He doesn’t but he is an only child and would inherit everything from his family but I never wanted to ‘bank’ off that money nor did I marry him for that reason.”
“He was a hardworking student when I met him and solely focused on college which is why he did not have a job. I didn’t think he would refuse work after college.”
“I apologize if I wasn’t clear on this”
We fade to black on this story knowing OP has her work cut out for her, but maybe in the end she can find a compromise that works for both of them.
Otherwise, this might just be game over.