The pandemic has effected a lot of us in different ways. Some of us realized that the things we used to do weren’t very necessary, but others have seen a drop in their mental health.
Redditor No_Bet_4053 has noticed a change in their wife. She’s gone from taking a lot of time to get dressed up and put on make-up to refusing to do that for almost any reason. The original poster (OP) has their reasons for wanting her to go back to how things were, but their wife doesn’t see the point.
OP thinks they may be wrong, and decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (ATIA) subReddit about their situation.
And they need some perspective.
“AITA for asking my wife to dress up not down?”
What’s the real reason OP is asking their wife to change?
“My wife and I have been married for 6 years now. My wife Grace is beautiful.”
‘She is a very girly girl liking things like pink, flowers, purses and heels. Before the pandemic, Grace would always dress for a runway.
“She would have on makeup, heels, dresses, perfume, smooth skin and etc.”
“During the pandemic though my wife’s job got moved to at home. She stopped her beauty routine and spent most of the days in long t-shirts, shorts, sweat pants or her pajamas.”
“I understood it since we weren’t really go anywhere. Grace also stopped wearing makeup, doing her hair, and shaving.”
“While this bothered me cause I like having a beautiful wife I figured it was till her job got moved back to the office.”
“Now things are open again. My job has been moved to the office but Grace told me she didn’t want to return and opted to keep working from home.”
“Her wardrobe has completely changed in the two years of the pandemic! She hardly wears her dresses, cute shirts, skirts, makeup or anything like before.
“Its men’s t-shirts with saying on them like I’m grumpy, jeans, sweat pants, and tennis shoes. And she has COMPLETELY stopped shaving and waxing.”
“Now she’ll dress up a bit if we go out or if we have company but thats it. Grace tells me its too much work.”
For the most part this seems pretty reasonable, right?
“So now for the part where I may be an a**hole.”
“Before the pandemic, we went on a date night. Since we haven’t done in I suggested a night out at an expensive restaurant. I did pick this restaurant on purpose.”
“Grace said no and suggested we order takeout. When I refused she suggest a restaurant like IHOP or Chili’s.”
“Her excuse? She didn’t feel like shaving her legs for one of her dresses and wanted to be comfortable”
“I snapped saying ‘It wouldn’t hurt you to dress up for once!’ She accused me of only liking her looks!”
“This isn’t true! I told her I was just tired of feeling like I’m living with a homeless woman.”
“Grace ended up locking herself in our bedroom. I know my words were harsh. I ordered a pizza and tried to apologize but Grace wouldn’t open the door. I slept on the couch.”
“Right now Grace is still giving me the cold shoulder, refusing to speak to me or be in the same room as me. I know I hurt her feelings with my words however I think this is depression or isolation from the pandemic since before Grace had no problem looking like a model.”
OP wants their wife to dress up again and is frustrated she won’t. Their wife on the other hand took a look at all the effort she put in before the pandemic, asked why, and couldn’t come up with a good answer for herself.
Is it wrong she doesn’t want to dress up anymore?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for desperately wanting their wife to dress up by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The comments made by OP about their wife’s attractiveness made a lot of people uncomfortable. It was an intense focus on popular beauty standards, they excused the change as a mental health issue rather than considering she just didn’t want to any more.
While OP tries to disguise it by claiming they’re worried about her mental health, comments about beauty standards make it clear what OP’s real focus is. This is especially true when he demeaned her looks.
The users of the board agreed that OP was the a**hole and shouldn’t be so entitled to their wife’s appearance.
“You know what the pandemic taught a lot of women? That the expensive beauty culture that is shoved in our faces all day long is BS.”
“We can be braless, we can be hairy, we can be comfortable all the time instead of 20% of the time and dress up solely when we want to and not because it’s expected.”
“‘While this bothered me because I like having a beautiful wife’”
“YTA” – andstillthesunrises
“Yep. That moment right there.”
“Huge YTA for the OP.”
“I also stopped shaving during the lockdown (although I have always hated it) and a part of me was nervous about what my husband might think. (I know, I know) but he’s happier now because I’m happier now.”
“Jeeze. OPS like this remind me how I at least have someone who accepts me for who I am. Damn.” – Wild_Discomfort
“First off, YTA.”
“Second off, if you were actually worried about her being depressed from isolation, it would have been brought up in a much different way than what you did.”
“Third, WHAT F***ING PLANET DID YOU COME FROM TO THINK SHE HAS TO CURATE HER BODY TO YOUR SPECS?”
“In which reality of the multiverse did you picture yourself posting this and receiving any kind of validation? Me and Dr. Strange ran through 10,321,654,987 possibilities and came up with 0.” – Tralfamadorians_go
This also brought up discussions of the double standard in beauty standards. Women have to put a whole lot more effort into their appearance compared to men.
On top of this, if OP is so insistent on how unattractive their wife is without make-up, were they ever really attracted to her in the first place?
Commenters discussed OP’s weird outlook, that’s strangely common.
“I don’t understand these men who suddenly lose attraction to their wives or girlfriends the second she stop shaving stops wearing make up and stops doing her hair.”
“My boyfriend has no problem finding me attractive whether I’m all dolled up or in sweatpants. And it’s not like I’m a ‘ten’ when I’m all dolled up.”
“It’s just so odd to me. It’s not like she looks like a different person, she just looks like herself when she just woke up or something.”
“Haven’t y’all ever had some morning sex? My bf would be all over me regardless of my shaving, makeup, or hair status. Y’all are weird and you probably watch too much porn.” – jasmine-blossom
“this is what a lot of N T A folks are missing. op never said his wife stopped taking showers or refuses to brush her teeth. she is just giving herself the same beauty standards as op.”
“does op shave his legs? prob not cause men are not expected to shave legs or armpits or pluck eyebrows”
“does op wear makeup? prob not cause men are not expected to put on lipstick, foundation, etc”
“does op wear high heels? prob not cause men arent expected to wear fancy shoes, bras, or specialized panties”
“all the wife did was match her own beauty standards to op. she didnt ‘dress down’ she dressed like him”
“edit: why is the wife expected to go back to her old ‘hot’ self from two years ago when op was never expected to change?” – your-yogurt
“You shave your legs, under arms and balls. Then do your eyebrows. Put on make up layer by layer but be careful or you might make yourself look more like a clown than you already are! Do your nails, toes, hair and pick an outfit. Balance in the heels too. Now do this everyday!”
“Being ‘beautiful’ is work! It is a routine! Its work and your wife isn’t depressed! She just doesn’t want to do it anymore!”
“She realized how much work it takes her to be beautiful and doesn’t want to do it anymore.”
“You insulted her by calling her homeless! An insult to your wife and homeless people who often do not have access to washing and grooming!”
“Apologize to your wife! Try to put yourself in her heels! Your wife wants a more comfortable wardrobe and if you don’t like that then buy a barbie!” – AlwaysAngryFox
OP should adjust their outlook, and needs to consider the needs of their wife. She doesn’t want to dress up. That’s fine.
If they have a reason they don’t appreciate what she looks like anymore, they need to think about why that is. She’s still the same beautiful woman, and OP should see that.