People have all kinds of reasons for marrying their partners.
At the end of the day, though, the common characteristics are love and trust.
And for most, that is enough.
But one Redditor became upset when their data scientist wife offered a logical answer when they asked why she said "yes," so they turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
The Redditor asked:
"WIBTA for being upset at my wife's reason for marrying me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife(31/F[emale]) is a very practical person and not really 'girly.'"
"I don't know how to explain it other than she sees everything as a cost benefit analysis and doesn't seem to take much of her own preferences into account if she thinks something is objectively better."
"She is a senior data scientist so maybe it's why she is good at her job."
"I love the practically it's so nice to have a debate on why we should do something because of x y and z not because of feelings."
"But I asked her a question on Sat and it's been bugging me since."
"I asked her why she married me kind of wanting to hear how much she loves me."
"She said 'because you asked.'"
"And I asked 'well what made you say yes?'"
"Then she said 'because I trust your judgement.'"
"I was kind of taken aback and asked her what she meant."
"She essentially explained that she loves me but that's not enough and she would never marry someone based on love alone."
"She said when she was younger she loved an idiot who would have ruined her life if she married him so she never dated him seriously."
"She says love and marriage are not the same things."
"She said she trusts me to make decisions that would benefit us and our goals and marriage is like trusting someone with your life and everything you have built."
"I guess I should be flattered but it only seems like she picked me because Im a logical choice."
"Shouldn't it be more than that?"
"That's what is bothering me."
"But I also know she sincerely thinks it's a huge compliment."
Redditors weighed in on the situation and declared that OP was kind of being the a**hole (AH), with many wondering what kind of response OP was looking for.
"Him: I love how she makes logical choices and doesn't argue based on feelings"
"Her: I made this decision based on logic and not purely because of my feelings"
"Him: surprised pikachu face" - Arievo
"Um… wait… is this not how other people choose a partner to marry?"
"She loves you——check."
"She trusts you—- check."
"She knows you will prioritize unit goals that benefit the marriage and your lives—— check."
"This is actually high praise..these are real answers not superficial ones."
"You love her for her practicality— she was honest and I think quite flattering."
"I think you are way over analyzing all this in some kind of a negative light and you reaaaaaallly shouldn't." - Brief-Bend-8605
"If she said that she didn't love you but she trusted you to be a good partner, I could see your point."
"She didn't say that. She said that she loves you AND trusts you."
"You're upset because your wife is too practical to marry a terrible partner if she loved him?"
"You're being ridiculous." - harlemjd
"She's a data scientist, I'm not sure why you're surprised she that she made an informed decision based on more than just romantic feelings" - CrystalQueen3000
"What better answer could she have given?"
"She said she loves you, that's what you wanted to hear, right?"
"But no, you wanted her loving you to be the only reason she married you?"
"I think your wife is the wise one and you'd better wisen up and not let unfair emotions cloud your judgement."
"You married a great woman that thinks with her brain as well as her heart, now let's hope she didn't misjudge you." - Agreeable_Store997
"Someone telling me they trust my judgement and me with their life would melt my heart."
"Why are you tripping ??" - Hour-Courage-8462
"Yes. You're being absolutely ridiculous and f**king up a good thing." - darth_chewbacca
"Great woman this one-she's right."
"Love isn't enough."
"She's telling you that she knew you were a great man."
"Hold on to her and get this out of your head."
"I am just like your wife."
"28 years in, I'm so thankful that logic played the bigger role."
"My husband is the best person I have literally ever met." - day-gardener
"What she's describing is how the majority of women actually describe real love."
"Trust, respect, appreciation, valuing, feeling secure, confidence in someone etc.."
"I don't know how you define love, or if she's ND or on the aromantic spectrum and doesn't associate those things with 'love,' but it seems to me that your problem is that she doesn't think about, communicate or feel about love the SAME way that you do."
"There is absolutely no lack of deep, profound and real love here."
"It's just that the average person just considers those things a part of love" - wwydinthismess
"I'm sorry, but I think your judgement is clouded purely by YOUR emotions."
"She never said she didn't love you, she told you that she loves you but that that's not the only reason she married you."
"She's literally saying that not only does she love you, but trusts that you would make good choices for YOUR future TOGETHER!"
"She has basically said to you,'I didn't marry you out of just love, I married you because you also had other things to offer and that I trust you fully with our future, you offer more than just love.'"
"This is a major compliment and not the 'jab' you're taking it as."
"I sure hope my husband or wife one day says something of this value to me because I'd feel so honoured to know how much I am trusted and that they know what I have to offer and appreciate it!!!" - ThatGhost_
"Yea you're being dramatic as hell lol"
"You married a data analyst"
"She basically gave you high praise in her terms and 'it's not what you wanted to hear'"
"Some people really just don't 'love' like that.'"
"Their brains really take over."
"She jumps with her brain instead of her emotions."
"She must be brilliant. Good for her."
"YTA"
"Stop being a diva" - herejusttoargue909
"I'll put it this way: I just had to leave someone I really loved over his aversions to continuous sobriety (he's an alcoholic) and full-time employment."
"Love only lasts if the rest of the relationship makes sense."
"I couldn't trust him to make decisions to benefit both of us and our future goals."
"I had to be the one shouldering all of the responsibility, all the time."
"YWBTA, and you should instead be deeply flattered by her answer." - catsandcoffeealways
"I'm the type of dude that is nowhere near your wife's spectrum."
"In fact, I often allow my emotions get the best of me, and I'm old enough to just be ok with it."
"So, as far as my emo @ss is concerned, what she said to you was one of the most beautiful, thought-out forms of 'I love you' you'll ever hear."
"I envision a woman who is maybe a bit emotionally stunted, but in the best way, like Spock."
"Someone who'll never fake her feelings for you."
"Someone who's unlikely to betray you, or mock you behind your back to her girlfriends."
"She sounds like a rare find. Don't screw it up." - akillerofjoy
"Bro, I would remarry a woman if she told me that."
"She loves you. She tells you that she loves you."
"She tells you that love is NOT enough for marriage…which is accurate as f**k…"
"She tells you she trusts you with her life. She trusts you to guide her and make the right decisions."
"AND she loves you."
"Your wife literally told you, 'I married you because I wanted to be married for life, and YOU ARE IT.'"
"And you're upset because she didn't give you some BS cutesy reason?"
"YTA especially when you talk about how your wife is practical and basically does a cost-benefits analysis and how much you love it only to get upset when she literally behaves like the woman you claim to love" - Redditor
"YTA. She used logic in addition to love, not instead."
"You should be extra happy, not upset."
"My ex came out as bi."
"My reaction once I had a moment to think was that she chose me Vs twice as many options. (Yes, ex, but not because of that)" - BobbieMcFee
"She gave you one of the most sincere and deep thought answers she could, this was more than you being a logical choice."
"She genuinely trusts you not to f**k up her life, and that speaks volumes more than her telling you she married you because she's deeply in love or some other bs hallmark movie line you've seen!" - Recent-Necessary-362
According to fellow Redditors, OP may need to reevaluate the sentiment and cherish the logic offered by their wife.
Hopefully OP can come to understand that her response was sincerely high praise.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.