Honesty is one of the hallmarks of a good relationship.
As it's hard to imagine committing to a partner you can't trust, and tell everything to.
That being said, we all have our secrets that we keep, even from our nearest and dearest.
Some things our partners might not know about us are pretty inconsequential.
Keeping some things from them, however, might put our relationship damagingly at risk.
Redditor Extra-Job-2156 recently told her fiancé some information she had been holding from him for years.
Something the original poster (OP)'s fiancé didn't appreciate one bit, even going so far as to accuse her of "catfishing" him.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH I didn't tell my fiance I had a boob job before we met?"
The OP explained why her fiancé felt she broke his trust:
"I’m 24 and have been with my fiance for almost 3 years, engaged for half a year."
"Prior to meeting him, when I was 18, I had a breast aug."
"I was an A cup and not confident whatsoever, so I did a lot of research at the time to get the most realistic look possible."
"I went with gummy bear under the muscle (in case any girlies are wondering, I don’t gatekeep), and you genuinely can’t even tell."
"I never brought it up while we were dating."
"Obviously, he has seen pics of me as a teen compared to now, but I guess he just thought puberty did its thing?"
"Idk."
"It never came up naturally, and I didn’t see the need to go to him and be like oh btw my boobs are fake, especially if he wasn't able to notice by seeing/touching."
"Recently tho, I’ve been starting to have some symptoms that might be related to the implants."
"Tired more than usual, joints hurt, feeling off in general, etc."
"After looking into it more, I think it could be implant illness and am heavily considering getting the girls taken out, I already went to a consultation."
"Because of that, I finally told him."
"I thought the time has come since it’s possibly affecting my well-being now."
"He didn’t take it well at all."
"He said I catfished him and should’ve told him earlier because this kind of complication was always a real possibility."
"He also said if he had known it would’ve mattered to him, especially since it might entail another surgery and more health stuff in the future."
"I was thrown off by his reaction. I can see how it affects him now in a way, but it was something confidential I did to MY own body way before I knew him."
"I didn’t think I was obliged to tell anyone unless it somehow became relevant, which ig it currently has."
"He says it’s about trust and transparency, but I feel like he’s making it a bigger deal than it is."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP didn't do anything wrong by not telling her fiancé about her breast implants.
Even so, many agreed that the OP's relationship might not be as healthy as she thought it was, both based on her fiancé's reaction and based on the fact that she chose to withhold this information from him for as long as she did:
"I mean it’s fairly common knowledge that a breast augmentation isn’t like, a one-and-done procedure."
"Breast implants usually require replacement within 10-15 years."- shyfidelity
"You're 24."
"Dump him."
"You'll be divorced in your 30s."
"Get blood work done before you rush another surgery."
"It could be low iron."
"But great you're being proactive with your health."- Hmmmmmmmimnotsure
"I do think it is on the strange end of things that you never shared this with him by now, but his reaction is way over the top imo, i dont think it matters that much, NTA."- _the__Wolverine____I’d say it’s 50/50.
"While I agree it is your body, knowing about something like that does matter to him, and if you knowingly kept it under wraps, it would be an asshole move."
"On his end, his reaction was probably an overreaction and unnecessary."
"If he goes in too hard or can’t let it go, that’s an a-hole move."
"If he says his piece, then adjusts to focus on your health issues in a positive way, he’s NTA."
"I’d honestly just encourage you both to sit down, listen to each other’s perspective (which it seems you have) and decide how to move forward. Laying a 'I know I should have told you, and I’m sorry, but I need you to show up for me right now” boundary is necessary'."
"If he’s a good man, he’ll adjust and meet you where you are."
"If not, you dodged a bullet."
"On the other end, I would encourage you to be honest about anything like this in the future."
"While it is your body, sharing a life, finances, etc. with someone requires trust and honesty."
"For me, the red flag is that if you weren’t honest about something this small."
"This tells me, when it matters, you’ll likely not be honest with the hard stuff."
"Either way, neither of you are a**holes."
"Both of you are young and just trying to figure it out."
"Good luck, and I wish you both well."- Inside-Ad-4362
"I will never understand people who are in relationships with people they don’t even know."
"How in the world do you get engaged to someone who doesn’t know very basic things about you?"
"Do you not talk?"
"So bizarre."- WhiskyWillFixIt
"Just me, but I think it's weird not to mention it to him over 3 years."
"It's your body, but you're supposed to be marrying this guy."
"It just seems like something that would have naturally come up already, so you didn't just fail to mention it, you were actively hiding it from him."
"YTA."
"Yes, it's your body, but would you like it if he had a penile implant put in and never told you until it started malfunctioning?"
"That said, his reaction wasn't stellar but he's right about 'trust and transparency'."- Injuinac
"It’s a weird thing to never mention once in 3 years until you need them taken out, yeah?"
"Is his reaction sh*tty?"
"Probably, but you did just lie to him for 3+ years?"
"Like? What are you expecting here?"
"He’s probably wondering what other major stuff you’re lying about."- Otherwise_Chemist920
"I definitely think it's weird you've been with him for 3 whole years and that this has never, not once, been a thought to tell him that you had your breasts done."
"I'm not buying it."
"It sounds like you intentionally hid that for whatever reason."
"If it were me (I'm a woman btw) I would feel weird that my partner didn't ever feel comfortable enough or close enough to me to disclose a pretty big part of their life to me like that."
"You literally had your body altered and never once said that to your fiancé?"
"Idk I do think it's strange and I do kind of understand him being unhappy about it."- Baldojess
"I think you should have told him earlier on in the relationship, but his reasoning for why is not valid."
"Mostly because if you'd said something earlier, you might've avoided 3 years with this loser."
"Focus on your health, and find someone who doesn't gaf about what your boobs look like now or in the future."- bookishbaking4
"So his reaction is not concerned about your health and next steps."
"Instead, he’s hung up that you had a procedure before you ever met."
"You’re too young to permanently attach yourself to someone who makes your challenge all about him. Dump him. NTA."-MidwestNormal
"I mean, you don't gatekeep for other women, but you didn't think it was relevant to tell him?"
"Idk seems to not align."- Adventurous-spice264
"He reacted terribly."
"But you also kept information from him."
"At any point once you settled into the relationship, you could have easily asked him if he liked your t*ts."
"And then you could have said they're fake."
"Small conversation and be over with it."
"Now you're having possible medical conditions because of it."
"Nothing sucks more than finding out something about your partner in this manner, because the next thought after the initial feeling of being lied to is 'what else is she hiding from me'."
"He should have kept his cool, but you should have brought it up ages ago."
"ESH."- _pinned
The fact that the OP's physical appearance may change following this procedure shouldn't change how her fiancé feels about her.
After all, he should love her for who she truly is.
The fact that she wasn't completely honest with him, however, has the potential to deeply affect their relationship.
As it could leave him wondering what else she might have withheld from him, and what else she might withhold from him down the line.
