Woman Upsets Boyfriend By Telling Him She Can't Afford To Feed His Kids When They Come To Visit

Money and financial health are such touchy subjects in this country, because of how fragile the economy is right now especially in the wake of a pandemic.  And so, we feel fragile as well when we are connected to our money.

Redditor throwmefar1234567 found herself dealing with a fragile money situation in regards to her boyfriend's kids, whose food needs were far outbalancing her budget.  In order to keep herself financially safe, she had to draw a boundary.

---

As this was such a touchy subject, she went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" to get feedback from objective strangers:

"AITA for telling my BF I can't afford to feed his kids right now?"

Our original poster, or OP, set up the financial situation she's in.

"Hi Reddit! I really need the unbiased opinion of internet strangers and accept any and all judgement."

"For context my bf (36m[ale]) and my son and I (36f[emale]) live together and for the moment I am the main breadwinner."

"BF pays his portion of the rent and then I pay for everything else (food, utilities, my portion of the rent, fuel, basically everything else) and I have to budget like crazy to cover everything - I don't have a great salary either, but better than his."

"He's working on bettering his situation and I support us with an open heart. No resentment and no expectations on repayment."

When OP's boyfriend's kids come to visit, it poses a slight problem.

"He has two kids from a previous relationship that visit us semi-regularly when he's off work. So on to the issue..."

"Last week he kind of sprung it on me that his kids were coming to stay the night. I asked him nicely to let me know a bit sooner next time so that I could work my money situation."

"I rework some things to feed all of us and everything is good (I made a butt-load of pancakes :) )."

But a second time caused a little friction.

"Yesterday he tells me they are coming again (I think the his ex is asking), and I ask if it's after I get paid."

"He says no it's not. I say as gently as I can that it's the end of the month and I can't really afford two extra mouths right now, I'm having to borrow to make ends meet for the week as it is."

"He blows up. Says he doesn't see his kids and its not my responsibility and he'll sell his car for money if he has to."

OP is unsure how to proceed.

"I love him and I love his kids, but the reality of the situation is that I can literally not feed them too right now."

"I knows its just two kids and a few extra meals, but its the reality of our situation and one of the kids is a preteen that eats more than I do some days and thats ok. Please bear in mind that BF has no money at all for extra anything."

"AITA for saying I'm not able to accommodate his kids right now?"

Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
• NAH - No A**holes Here

Redditors agreed that OP had nothing to apologize for.

"I can see why he'd feel angry and frustrated, just not angry at frustrated at you."

"This whole situation sucks, nobody should be in this financial position, but it sounds to me like you're doing your best to help out when you can."

"I hope he realises this once he's not feeling quite so immediately frustrated and disappointed."-MercuryJellyfish

"Yeah, I'm seeing some red flags here. Misdirected anger and insecurity are red flags."

"He isn't paying his portion if he's only paying part of the rent. I know he's trying to better himself, but he needs to realize that you're paying more and you're stretched thin."

"And if his kids are visiting, he's gotta cough up some money to help with that. He shouldn't be getting angry at OP about it at all. But it's something he's got to take responsibility for."

"And what's up with not wanting his ex in touch with you? Seems super childish to me, as they have kids together and you'll be watching those kids at some point."

"What if something happens to him, how would you get in touch with her? NTA OP but keep an eye on this guy!"-profmoxie

"His portion appears to have tripled this past week."

"He should be paying for at least half. If his kid's stay 3 nights a week. 3 nights typically equal 4 days, x 2 kids, = an extra person to divvy up rent, food, utilities."

"OP- he needs to take ownership and cover HALF of everything and not a penny less effective immediately."

"You are NTA. It's time to have some hard conversations if this is a relationship you want for the long haul."-PHLtoHOU

"NTA Talking about money is legitimately stressful but grownups absolutely have to be able to do it with their partners without going off in them."

"The way he speaks to you is not OK. He needs to be your teammate is acquiring and preparing food for your family."

"It's his responsibility to talk to his ex about sending food money with the kids."

"I hope you're making use of food banks, SNAP in the US, and other community resources. That's what they're there for. You can't work if you're not fed."

"There's also a great cookbook keyed to the $4/day SNAP funding. https://www.leannebrown.com/all-about-good-and-cheap/ (scroll down past the giant ad at the top)."-Spoonbills

While some people understood her boyfriend's difficulties, others were annoyed with him:

"Pretty classic transference, you're the only person he feels like he can get angry with right now."

"You're NTA, clearly. Your bf is also nta - but he is clearly completely overwhelmed, same as you, he's just handling it worse."

"Working solutions if you're this food insecure is to join food pantries in the area (there's usually a local listing on fb or Nextdoor or the internet), and if not join your local BuyNothing and ask if anyone is doing a Pantry Clear out."

"This got me through some really rough patches and was incredibly helpful. You're pragmatic and I'm sorry that this is happening for you right now. :("-ScheonTreaumer

"NTA. Quick question, if he acknowledges that they're not your responsibility, exactly why is he mad???"

"It just seems like he and the children's mother want to bum off of you/dump their kids in your lap whenever they want with no lip from you. That's not the kids' fault, but it's not your problem either."

"Worry about you and your baby. Budget for you and your baby. He's a grown man. What exactly does he budget for??? You should seriously rethink whether or not you want the rest of your life to look like this."

"I don't think your bf actually wants things to change. He seems just fine springing sh*t on you like you don't have enough to deal with by yourself."

"By the way, does he ever help you with your kid or is he just piling shit onto you with no help whatsoever, even when he doesn't have his kids?"-worryaboutYOUhoe

"NTA. What are you supposed to do ? Sell blood or your eggs to feed his kids ? They're his responsibilities."

"I'm guessing he doesn't pay child support either. How do a grown man who has a job and only pays half a rent can't have money to buy his kids food when they come like one day a week or less ? I think he is taking advantage of you."

"If he sells his car, will he be able to go to work ? Will the money last ? Or will he spend it once to buy groceries and then into whatever he spends his god damn money on ?"

"I'm calling freeloader here."-Organic_Extension750

"NTA, And this boyfriend is a fool if he thinks selling his car will do any good."

"It's a one-time source of cash, once it is gone it is gone, and not having a car will seriously impact his ability to get or keep a job. Which will make future visits from the kids far less likely to happen."

"If you are the main breadwinner, and he really doesn't have cash to chip in, then he should, at the very least, be planning a visit that doesn't cost money (walks to a local playground, but no eating out or activities that cost.)"

"Also he should be planning on doing the work of cooking from scratch from inexpensive ingredients, to bring down food costs - he can easily cook at home while watching the kids, and careful meal planning around inexpensive ingredients can go a fairly long way."

"As he says, it's not your responsibility to feed his kids. It's his responsibility. So if you don't have the money to do it, he should be thinking about a practical plan to do so, not nonsense like selling a car."

"And it should be him doing the work of making that plan happen (such as cooking those pancakes!) not you. Especially if you are working and he isn't."

"(Given the pandemic and the way the job market is weird, I'm more inclined to be forgiving of him not working full time for the moment, but his financial situation doesn't sound sustainable.)"-Jazzlike_Humor3340

After her initial post, OP made some clarifying remarks:

"Okay wow, so this kind of blew up to epic proportions. The edit might be longer than the actual post."

"For the record I'm in South Africa - a couple people suggested I clarify that. I'm desperately trying and failing to read and reply to everyone. I never intended the post to garner sympathy."

"I thought I was just making a dumb post to ask internet strangers if I am missing something from the bigger picture. Now I have awards that I have no idea what to do with and probably don't deserve."

"I'm a little overwhelmed to say the least. I hear and appreciate all the advice, opinions, judgements and offers of assistance."

"Things will get better and I think the main priority right now is for me to try and communicate more effectively. It's absolutely correct that my BF must feel sh*tty for the position he's in and I have known that all along."

"However I have also learned that it doesn't make it ok for him to lash out at the person who's in his corner - me."

"Some of you made me feel really seen and the positive vibes and affirmations are giving me the strength to continue like this for a little while longer - I can almost see the light!"

"Some of you are really angry - are you ok?"

We hope that OP and her boyfriend will be able to navigate these tight situations more acutely.