Birthday celebrations take planning. You have to find a restaurant, invite people, and during the pandemic, you have to check restrictions.
So, when plans fall through it can be frustrating. Especially when it could be avoided.
Redditor Hisforhawk encountered this very issue with her boyfriend. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
"WIBTA if I don't attend my bf's birthday party because of his mom?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I've [23F] been with my bf [27M] for a year and a half and his birthday was coming up."
"I'm not the type of person to do grand gesture but he's the first person I see myself settling down with and I wanted to do something special. A month ago I asked if I can plan his b-day, he agreed and seemed excited."
"So I started and decided to do it at this really nice and pretty well-know restaurant in our city, and since my dad knew the owner I asked for special favors. I asked to do some signature drinks and I even placed an order of specialized pastries and desserts from this cute bakery and was given the go ahead to bring it."
"There was also a lot of headache surrounding the attendees as I was only allowed to reserve for 10 people, and I had to make sure everyone had their QR codes or immunization cards (because you can't sit in the same table if you're not vaccinated or live in the same household)."
"There was a lot of communication going on. This was happening during my summer courses so I was somewhat stressed."
OP's boyfriend had other plans.
"Fast forward yesterday night, he called and proceeded to tell me that his mom wanted the entire extended family for his birthday and it would be best to have it in her house (there are no restrictions in place for household gatherings and it will be in backyard)."
"He said he tried to tell her no but his grandma intervened and he gave in."
"His birthday is literally 5 days away."
"And it's honestly unbelievable that he would relent when I spent all this time and energy into planning it and I'm so embarrassed that I made so much demands from the owner and then to have to call and say 'oops, never mind.'"
"He was really apologetic but I still can't believe someone would do this, especially since I was communicating with them. He told me we can still go to the restaurant at lunch just the two of us and then go to the party at his parents' house."
"He said he really wants to spend his birthday with me and he'll make it up to me. I told him I can't even think about spending the day with him much less his mom, after being so inconsiderate."
"I'm really conflicted, it's his birthday, but this is upsetting. I'm angry at both him and his mom. I don't think I can stomach being polite."
"WIBTA if I don't spend his birthday with him?"
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. Skip the birthday. If BF is 27 and still can't stand up to his family, he has some growing up to do and needs help understanding consequences of his decisions." ~ dustypinksun
"I'd invite my friends to the party at the restaurant and have a hell of a good time. A lot of work went into planning it, it's unfair to op but especially to the restaurant owner to cancel now. NTA." ~ OwnBrother2559
"Seriously! I haven't spent my actual birthday with my parents/extended family in probably a decade (I'm 34). He should have told his family he already had plans but he'd love to do something with extended family on a different day."
"I'd be livid if I was OP, and I'd be at least considering a breakup over this. It's so unbelievably inconsiderate and him saying he'd let her take him to lunch like he's doing her a favor, Jesus." ~ Jrxibell
"'Mom,GF has plans set up already for day of but if you want to do something at the weekend / any other day that would be awesome.'"
"OPBF, your mom set you a selfish and toxic test to prove she's the no. 1 woman in your life and OP is your side piece. It was important to do this in an occasion when your girlfriend had gone to considerable trouble, calling in a lot of favors, for your birthday present, only to require you for no reason to tell her at the last minute you don't want it. This was your gift from your girlfriend, which you gave her the go ahead to invest in for you, and you cancelled at the last minute for no reason except your mom was jealous." ~ Cardabella
"This is 100% my boyfriend's family and at first I have to admit this caused issues for us because I kept thinking about can I handle dealing with this stuff the rest of my life and after my boyfriend and I communicated about how his family's last minute overbearing plans just will never sit well with me, he actually understood my view on things and agreed that he wanted to put his foot down and wouldn't let his family dictate his plans."
"We still do birthday celebrations like a dinner or lunch with his whole extended family like they expect us to, but now those plans are ran by us and do not interfere with our own plans as a couple since we aren't kids anymore (we're 23/24). For the most part we do not do the extended family celebration on his actual birthday, but that is also because he realized he didn't want to be told what his birthday plans are by his parents anymore." ~ Evening-Cantaloupe30
"Wow. NTA."
"I'd highly suggest that you contact the restaurant owner to find out if there is going to be a cancellation fee. At this late date I wouldn't be surprised if there is. You should then contact his mother and let her know the financial impact of the cancellation and that you'd prefer the restaurant party to still go ahead."
"If she refuses to agree, go to the party with your friends/family and forget your bf's bday."
"Edit: go to the restaurant party with your friends/family. Do not go to BF's mother's house." ~ facinationstreet
OP added some edits.
"Edit: Hi guys, I just wanted to address a couple of things and also wanted to let you know my decision. I decided not to attend the party or the plans we made with his friends for his birthday weekend."
"I saw a lot of suggestions about inviting my own friends instead, but I feel really embarrassed about the entire thing and I would much rather not be reminded of it."
"Some are worried about the lost of income, so I talked to my dad and he said that won't even bother him and he wouldn't care (I trust his assessment on this one because they golf together a lot, so he knows him better). But I'm still going to apologize in person."
"Thanks for all the advice! You guys were really helpful, I thought my friends were just being their loyal self and siding with me, so it's great to see some bias-free opinions."
The boyfriend's mom should have checked with OP before inviting the whole family.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.