What motivates us in our actions?
Money? Good intentions?
Does motivation make a difference when it comes to the favors we ask of others?
What happens when you ask for something for reasons others find less than desirable and they deny your request?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Careless_Goose_3110 when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for asking my sister to give some of our mother’s jewelry to my girlfriend?”
After a greeting, OP got right to the point.
“Hi all,”
“I have recently gotten into an ugly fight with my sister over our mother’s jewelry collection.”
“She passed away a few years ago and had a pretty big collection my dad said must have been worth around 30-40k.”
“When my mom passed, my sister took all of her jewelry and has had it in her apartment ever since.”
“At the time, I didn’t think that much about it but now I have been dating someone for a year and it’s gotten really serious. I intend on marrying her one day.”
“I know some of the pieces would suit my girlfriend really well, specifically the pearl jewelry which I know she would love and it bothers me that my sister just took the entire collection without thinking maybe I would want to give some of the stuff to my future wife or daughters.”
“My mother didn’t have a will so there is nothing to refer to in terms of a legal agreement however I was always much closer to my mom and my sister was a lot closer to my dad.”
“I finally decided to talk to my sister about it and asked her if she took all of our mom’s jewelry, and she said yes, so I asked her if I could have a few pieces to give to my girlfriend one day when we get engaged or married.”
Everything was fine, until…
“She immediately said no and said it was all hers and that she couldn’t believe I would even ask.”
“We ended up getting into a really heated argument about it and I reminded her that we both had the same mother, I was always closer to my mom growing up, and that I didn’t have anything of hers to hold on to or pass on to my own family.”
“I also said I wasn’t asking for the whole collection or even to split it 50/50, I just wanted a few pieces, specifically the pearl jewelry.”
“Her argument was basically that she was the daughter and jewelry goes to the daughter, not the son, and that she’s not going to give any of ‘her’ family jewelry to a girlfriend that probably won’t even last.”
“She told me I was disgusting for even asking and my girlfriend has absolutely no right to it.”
“She kicked me out of her apartment and a few hours later I’m getting text messages from family members asking why my girlfriend thinks she’s entitled to my sister’s jewelry.”
OP did make sure to clarify the situation as best he could.
“To clarify, I don’t think my girlfriend is entitled and she hasn’t asked. She doesn’t even know about it. I think that I am entitled to at least a few of the things in what was probably a 30-piece collection.”
“I was way closer to my mother and I don’t think it’s uncommon for men to give their future wives or daughters family jewelry.”
“My dad waded in and took my sister’s side, and they are all making it sound like my girlfriend is demanding my mom’s jewelry out of my sister’s hands.”
“Everyone is saying I don’t have the right to ask my sister to give her stuff to my girlfriend but I just don’t see it as my sister’s belongings and again, I don’t want everything. I specifically want 5 pieces but I would settle for 3.”
“I have never seen my sister wear our mother’s pearls to anything, so it’s not like she’s attached to them.”
OP was left to wonder:
“So am I the AH for asking her to give me some of our mom’s jewelry?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors decided: NTA
Some tried to lend a different perspective.
“Just to be devil’s advocate…”
“Your father had died years ago, leaving behind expensive toolsets.”
“You take them because at the time your sister didn’t really seem to want them.”
“But now she’s dating a wood craftsman for over a year and he would love to use some of those tools, but they are irreplaceable or one-of-a-kind tools.”
“Even though she’s entitled to at least half the tools, do you want some guy she’s only been with a year to use (possibly lose or break)?” ~ oy-c*nt
“I think if you had asked for them for yourself, or when you were actually engaged/married I would feel differently.”
“But that you asked now, and threw in the engaged/married comment as an afterthought is not good.”
“If you had wanted them as sentimental items I would be on your side.”
“But you don’t.”
“You want them as a gift for your girlfriend.”
“They have no sentimental value to you and neither your father nor your sister has any guarantee that you would put measures into place to keep those pieces in the family should you break up with your GF.”
“Further, your opinion that you were closer to your mother is irrelevant.”
“Also, it’s a biased opinion.”
“Further your father thinks your sister should have her mother’s jewelry.”
“If your mother died intestate everything she owns belongs to your father and was his to gift/pass on as he saw fit.”
“It’s interesting that people think the mother’s jewelry shouldn’t be given to the daughter.”
“I’ve seen a lot of posts about daughters wanting shares of watches/cuff links/etc and everyone insists that those are for sons only.”
“Funny how boys get to keep the benefits of traditional inheritance rules, but girls don’t.”
“YTA because you have no sentimental attachment to the jewelry and want it anyway.” ~ winsomebunny
Others thought that there were no good guys here.
“ESH.”
“You had no interest in your mom’s jewelry until recently.”
“Your sister has had it for YEARS.”
“It’s not about wanting something of your mom’s to remember her by, it’s about you wanting to give your gf very nice expensive jewelry, that’s why you mentioned the cost and are going for the pearls.”
“You being ‘closer’ to your mom isn’t relevant.”
“You aren’t engaged or married.”
“Your sister’s reasoning of why she should get all the jewelry is off.”
“You are also entitled to have your mother’s belongings, but you’re going about this all wrong.” ~ UhLeXSauce
There were also personal stories.
“My grandma had very little jewelry, and I took it all because I was the only granddaughter.”
“I would NEVER give any to my cousins because they’ve all been in and out of relationships all their lives.”
“I gave one piece to each of my nieces, and a couple of items I’m saving for if I have a girl one day, or to give to my son when I die and he wants to pass them to his children, or a family member he loves if he decides not to have children.” ~ moves_likemacca
“Seriously. I have my mom’s jewelry and if my brother all of a sudden wanted some of it to give to a girlfriend I’d laugh him out of my house.”
“He had a fiancée at the time my mother passed and he never made any mention of her jewelry because it was always assumed that it would go to me as the daughter, so I don’t think OP’s sister is out of line.” ~ catlady3LSS
Commenters pointed out the inheritance situation itself.
“Since your mother didn’t have a will, her belongings now belong to your father. So it was his jewelry collection from your mother that he gave to your sister.”
“So it is hers.”
“It might have come off better if you actually waited to be married to ask.”
“You are not even engaged, I would be upset if I was asked for pieces of a family’s jewelry or even art collection for a Boyfriend/girlfriend because even if you plan a future together it doesn’t mean that those future plans are gonna pan out.” ~ pa_stanfan626
“YTA”
“If there was no will, then most places default to the spouse owning everything when someone dies. So legally, the items belonged to your father.”
“Due to your sister not hiding the fact she has these items, it would seem your father was 100% okay with her taking them.”
“That means they were legally given to your sister at the time of your mother’s death. So legally the stuff belongs to your sister and has for years.”
“You didn’t contest at the time of the death.”
“You didn’t want anything from your mother’s collection until you got a girlfriend.”
“Then suddenly you want to impress her with something that belonged to your mother, someone she has never met.”
“Your sister might have been greedy to take all the jewelry, but she did. Her father let her have it.”
“She might not have been as close to your mother (as you think), but that doesn’t mean it has any less value to her.”
“Your girlfriend has never met your mother.”
“You could get her any generic pearls and it would still have the same meaning to her as ones from your mom. But your sister cannot get pearls her mother owned before.”
“You didn’t want the stuff until you got a girlfriend, which makes me think it was not important to your relationship with your mom.”
“So I think you are an AH for only caring when it can be used to impress someone who has no tie or sentimental feeling about your mom and her things.” ~ Jazzlike_Crew_3956
Does the motivation behind a request matter?
The question bears consideration, but every answer is valid.