It can be frustrating, sometimes even downright irritating, when our partner has a hobby that doesn’t interest us one bit. Especially they prioritize this hobby over just about everything.
However, most of the time, the best thing we can do is take a breath and remind ourselves that these hobbies bring our partners joy, so it’s best to let them enjoy them.
If these hobbies put our partners in any danger, however, that becomes a different matter.
Redditor Adventurous_Bag_3723 was growing increasingly frustrated by her boyfriend’s devotion to a certain sport.
Finding herself and her plans always second fiddle to his commitment to “the game”.
However, when the original poster (OP) saw that her boyfriend’s favorite sport was beginning to have somewhat hazardous effects on his health, she finally found the courage to speak up.
A decision the OP’s boyfriend did not appreciate one bit.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for asking my boyfriend to quit his sport?”
The OP explained why they felt compelled to tell her boyfriend to stop partaking in his favorite sport:
“I (23 F[emale]) have been with my boyfriend (28 M[ale]) for about two years.”
“He has played rugby for the entirety of our relationship and started about a year before we met.”
“Rugby is the third person in our relationship, so I asked him to stop playing.”
“Was I wrong?”
“Every Saturday ‘is rugby day’ where he wakes up- watches a game- plays a game with his team- and then watches another game after- usually followed up by highlight reels on YouTube until he goes to bed.”
“He has a two-hour practice every Tuesday and Thursday.”
“He coaches a high school team.”
“He assistant coaches a college team.”
“After every game, practice, scrimmage, etc. he comes home with some sort of injury or is just in general debilitated by pain.”
“Covered in bruises and cuts.”
“He has been to the hospital for a separated shoulder, a split open eyebrow, a split open lip that went all of the way through his muscle and fat, and the most recent was he got a bunch of turf beads in his eyelid and was almost blinded (not exaggerating) by it.”
“He will take off work for games and practices, he will cancel dates for games and practices, he will miss important events for games and practices.”
“My family home caught on fire- we had a fundraiser- HE TRIED TO SKIP IT FOR A GAME (the game got cancelled so that’s why he showed up).”
“We were out to my birthday dinner, and he asked if we could rush it so that he could make his practice after.”
“We can’t go out and do anything on a rugby day, we can’t have sex on a rugby day, he can’t function on a rugby day.”
“And his excuse is ‘it’s tough on rugby days’…. well his ‘Saturday is a rugby day’ has turned into every day is a rugby day.”
“He gets stressed out financially because where we live is extremely expensive.”
“But, he has money for new cleats, new studs for his cleats when they break off, tape for his joints for games, team memorabilia.”
“Basically, he has money for rugby like an addict has money for his fix.”
“I want to say I’m glad he has something he enjoys.”
“I’m glad he coaches and that his students look up to him and that it makes him feel good about himself.”
“We’ve both met some incredible people through the rugby community.”
“But, the phone calls at 1am that he’s in the hospital due to an injury, getting yelled at because he’s broke, having to cater to him whenever he plays because he’s sore, consoling him when he’s bawling his eyes out because he lost a starting position and having to eat sleep and breathe rugby because he does….it was too much.”
“He freaked when I asked him to leave.”
“Told me I don’t appreciate the things he cares about, said I should be thankful he has rugby or else he would be dead.”
“That he has nothing else.”
“I feel horrible.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her boyfriend to stop playing rugby.
Everyone agreed that the OP had every right to express her frustration with the fact that she always came second to Rugby, with many urging the OP to question if she should even stay in this relationship:
“What’s the question behind the question?”
“I think it’s really:”
“’Should I stay in this relationship?’”
“I think the answer is no, for me this would be a dealbreaker.”
“His partner will always come second to rugby.”
“It seems like he has it all backwards— he’s in a serious relationship with rugby while you’re just a hobby.”
“Adding my judgment: NTA.”- Principessa116
“NTA.”
“And this is as a former college football player who then played rugby (at a pretty high level) for years after college (before retiring from active participation to prioritize my career, relationship and starting a family).”
“What you described is a not uncommon example of rugby culture.”
“Rugby is a great game and community, and it can be addictive.”
“It gives men a positive masculine outlet and bonding that is rare in our society today.”
“However, you’re NTA for asking someone who is years into a relationship to prioritize the relationship over their hobbies.”
“It’s part of life, and it’s his choice to make.”
“Of course, the flip side of that is he is not the a**hole if he chooses rugby over you.”
“Y’all are both adults who need to have an honest conversation with yourselves and each other about your relationship and where it is going.”
“The only way anyone is an a-hole here is if y’all lead each other on and are not honest about your needs and life plans moving forward.”
“I agree that he could definitely adjust his perspective; planning to skip the fundraiser is eyebrow-raising to say the very least, as is yelling at OP over his financial problems.”- GuidanceClean6243
“‘Said I should be thankful he has rugby or else he would be dead’.”
“That is an extremely concerning statement.”
“What does he mean by that?”
“‘Getting yelled at because he’s broke’.”
“This is also very, very bad.”
“I’m concerned that he’s addicted to this for some reason, or masking some deep mental health issues with it. It’s great to be passionate about something, but to say he would DIE without it?”
“That’s not healthy.”
“Screaming at YOU because HE is broke is abusive.”
“NTA for asking him to stop.”
“But…he’s not going to stop.”
“He puts rugby above literally everything else in his life, including his job and you.”
“You cannot build a healthy relationship with someone like that.”
“He needs mental health help, and you need to leave him if he won’t.”- Sufficient-North-278
“I was prepared for you to be an AH, but this is 100% NTA.”
“He doesn’t have a sense of balance between you and the sporting community, and his priorities are out of whack.”
“Not to mention, he doesn’t sound like a safe player.”
“I have played very high level rugby since I was 11, injuries do happen, including weird rogue ones.”
“But to be on a constant rotation of high-level injury means that he doesn’t know how to properly make or take tackles and is playing like a man on a mission to get hurt.”
“Those people are scary, and those people are ones that shouldn’t be on the pitch.”- coastalkid92
“Going against the grain here, but I’d say ditch the boyfriend:”
“He’s not passionate about rugby; he’s obsessed with it.”
“That’s not going to change.”
“He’s not passionate about you.”
“Rugby is interfering with your sex life, and he opted for a rugby match rather than support your family after their house burned down.”
“You are not a priority for him.”
“He doesn’t treat you well.”
“He yells at you, dismisses your concerns, and uses manipulation and guilt trips.”
“That is not healthy.”
“The problem isn’t rugby, it’s him.”
“NTA for asking for what you need, but now that he’s shown that he doesn’t care about your needs and is unwilling to compromise, it’s time to mirror his actions, put yourself first, and find a better partner.”- Ok_Chance_4584
“He’s screaming you down for things that are his own fault, skipping work and siphoning funds despite money being tight, and intentionally neglecting family obligations in favor of his hobby.”
“He shouldn’t be screaming at you at all.”
“He shouldn’t be ditching you on your birthday or ignoring your family in crisis, whether he likes your family or not, if he cared for YOU he would show up.”
“He sounds like a terrible partner.”
“He sounds manipulative, dismissive, and guilt-trippy.”
“Rugby isn’t the source of the problem, it’s his attitude toward you.”
“If he only loves rugby, then you should leave him and rugby to it.”
“NTA.”- bloonfroot
It sounds like the OP’s boyfriend has one true love, who he is willing to risk his own life for.
Sadly, that isn’t the OP, but Rugby.
If playing less rugby would clearly benefit the health of the OP’s boyfriend, it also seems that the best possible decision the OP could make for her health is to leave him.