For many, the relationships between M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] and D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] can be... complicated.
Some moms have a hard time letting go of their sons.
One does their best to navigate this issue, but once in a while, the tension builds to a boiling point fraught with drama. Human beings have breaking points, and breaking points have fallouts.
Redditor midwestmom1981 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"I flashed my father-in-law right in front of my mother-in-law! AITA In a rage?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband's parents came to stay with us for the week (they live about 2.5 hours away)."
"I sleep in shorts and a tank top."
"Well, this morning I woke up and made some coffee and sat down at the table to drink it."
"Soon after, my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] came in and got himself a cup and sat a crossed from me."
"We had a nice conversation about how the family is doing, etc."
"A few minutes passed, and my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] came in, and got her coffee, and sat down next to her husband."
"She started staring me down... after a minute, she hatefully asked if I liked having my t*ts all out in front of her husband?"
"I was mortified and rather pissed off, so I told her that it was a fucking tank top, and if I wanted to show him my t*ts, I would just do this... then I pulled up my shirt and flashed him my bare breast."
"I immediately realized what I had just done, got insanely embarrassed, and high-tailed it to my room."
"I instantly heard her get to the guest room, and within a few minutes, I heard their suitcases being wheeled down the hallway, and the front door slammed."
"I immediately called my husband, crying. He soon was crying, too, crying from laughter."
"I feel terrible, but this lady has always torn me down and has always been hateful towards me for no reason other than the fact I took her little baby boy from her."
"I know I went over the top crazy, but she has been pushing me there for over 20 years."
"I tried to call and apologize, but she won't take my call."
The OP was left to wonder:
"How big of the a-hole am I?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"If your mother-in-law has a history of belittling you, some might argue that you were pushed to your breaking point."
"Her comment was not only rude but also invasive." ~ KimberlyThomas754
"Gratuitously insult the hostess before breakfast in her own kitchen; reap the reward. NTA."
"Tell your husband it is clear that his parents will be more comfortable staying in a hotel."
"Do not put up with being called a w*ore in your own house. Be firm." ~ _s1m0n_s3z
"I struggle to see why this isn't upvoted more when the MIL was so intensely disrespectful in this sense."
"NTA in the slightest and MIL needs a reality check about how to behave in another person's home. :/ " ~ Moist_Asparagus_411
"She's not TA for sticking it to her MIL, but she is for dragging her FIL into it."
"Jokes about men liking tits notwithstanding, flashing people is sexual harassment and he might feel awkward around her now." ~ addangel
"NTA. It's nice your husband is on your side."
"That means he agrees with how crazy his mom can be."
"Does your husband defend you whenever his mother belittles you like that though?"
"You should absolutely not be putting up with him anymore."
"Next time they don't get to stay in." ~ Burntoastedbutter
"Maybe MIL would be more comfortable elsewhere, but obviously FIL has no problem with her considering they were having a pleasant conversation before MIL came out and started running her mouth."
"Either she's insecure, or she legitimately can't handle that her son found a woman he loves and who loves him in return."
"Some moms can't handle their 'baby boys' finding a woman that makes them happy."
"They want to be the only woman in their son's lives." ~ RevGrimm
"Totally. NTA."
"This is practically malicious compliance."
"She effectively 'exposed' the lie of her tank top showing her boobs and proved she hadn't been by 'displaying' what that actually looked like."
"Frankly, I think this will address several problems."
"For starters, OP got the harpy out of her house."
"But mostly, the fallout will address what seems to be years of belittlement."
"Some apologies should be exchanged ultimately."
"OP can apologize for her stunt and promise not to do it again in exchange for MIL apologizing for her years of disrespect and promises not to continue."
"From her reaction, this compromise will likely be a bitter pill for MIL to swallow and may lead to some welcome distance until she can own her own s**t."
"Should she eventually concede, there is always the underlying threat that MIL reverting to future demeaning behavior will result in further future flashing!"
"Nice reaction from husband." ~ Foolish-Pleasure99
"I would apologize to FIL before I would to MIL."
"But they are just boobs."
"It's legal to have them out in public in a lot of places."
"So I'm pretty confident if OP wants to be free in her kitchen she can."
"MIL sounds terrible."
"But I feel bad that FIL is caught in the middle and is likely going to get an earful." ~ Fianna9
"OP went with the nuclear response."
"MIL poked the bear one too many times."
"Bonus points for not having to host them ever again."
"NTA, but that's a f**king wild story, and I'm here for it."
"I would kill to hear the FIL's version of the story at a bar." ~ bisoninthefreezer
"The only way YWBTA is if your father-in-law's eyes popped out of his head, and he died of a heart attack."
"And even then… I'm not so sure (he would've died doing what most straight men want to die doing— staring at boobies). NTA." ~ fernincornwall
"NTA. Your MIL needs to work on herself."
"Stop blaming women for existing around their husbands, stop blaming younger women for being prettier, stop thinking her husband cannot handle being around his D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] if she looks good, etc." ~ Jocelyn-1973
"NTA. Old enough to have been dating her son (even if in High School) for 20 years?"
"No, put the old bag in her place."
"It's a tank top in your own home, and her husband has seen worse every single day at Walmart and on TV."
"Your house, your tank top, she's a real [oyster] before her morning coffee." ~ Typical2sday
"I just want to say..."
"Don't apologize."
"If she can't be at least CIVIL to you in your own house, especially as you are having your coffee and getting to be a functioning person she deserves that and so much more."
"Frankly, that may keep her from ever making comments to you about not wearing enough clothing again."
"For fear, you will flash again. NTA." ~ Niodia
"NTA although apologizing to her would be wrong."
"Apologize to him, but good riddance to her." ~ SubarcticFarmer
"A very gentle ESH."
"Your response was wildly inappropriate but your MIL is a d**k."
"Glad your husband thought it was funny, though; he should bring that energy to telling his mum to stop being a prick to his wife - there's no way she should have been awful to you for 20 years."
"That's his problem to sort out." ~ missmackattack
"NTA, but I would never flash my FIL."
"That's just weird and would find it creepy for him to ever sexualize me."
"If my I[n]-L[aw]'s were staying with me, I would be wearing more clothes even if it was my house."
"Some old man looking at me all weird."
"That's just me though." ~ No_Needleworker_9493
"MIL doesn't need an apology but maybe reach out to FIL and apologize."
"Poor guy sounds like he got tangled up in a mess he didn't make." ~ Educational-Coyote69
"NTA. MIL sounds like a true self-absorbed person who probably has FIL look away if she is naked so bravo on confronting her and giving Dad a reminder of what a female body looks like up top." ~ Imaginary_Bike2126
"NTA. Her comment was more rude than your flashing, in my opinion."
"In your own house, too!"
"It's time to set some hard boundaries with her, and actions speak louder than words." ~ Strange_Shallot8833
"I grew up with a saying.'
"When one of my siblings would exaggerate and say I hit them or I said they hit me."
"They would just hit each other and say, now I hit you."
"You did this with t**s. No Big Deal. NTA." ~ Red_Carrot
"NTA. Nobody should tell you what to do in your own house."
"If they didn't want to see ti**ies they are the ones who need to make the adjustment or they get the hell on like they did."
"That is so disrespectful." ~ megacope
"NTA much. Nice move."
"You are a legend in the making." ~ Dognutstogo
"NTA by judgment bot, but this sort of thing is why we need a Justified A**hole!"
"She pushed your buttons."
"You overreacted a bit, but you were 100% right."
"I probably would have said it instead of actually doing it, but this woman has been berating you for YEARS."
"You had enough and snapped."
"Call your FIL and apologize to him."
"He may not have wanted to see that."
"My grandmother on Dad's side was hateful to my mom after Grandpa passed away."
"She wanted her son back since she was alone."
"Dad didn't realize how bad it was until he came from work early and caught her in the act."
"She was on the next flight home, and he apologized profusely to my mother." ~ thechaoticstorm
"You're not."
"That was exactly what needed to happen, and your husband knew it. "
"You did the exact right thing at the exact right time."
"Pat yourself on the back and count yourself lucky that these hypocrites are out of your home. 👉🏽NTA 👈🏼." ~ Remote-Physics6980
"NTA-you did yourself a favor, you won't have to host them in your house anymore!" ~ NotaMillenial2day
"Don't start s**t won't be s**t... lol."
"She's old and insecure."
"No one told either of them to barge in your home, and as an adult in their own space, you can wear whatever you want!"
"You could have been nude at your own table, and it wouldn't have mattered had they not just walked into YOUR space.
"Maybe next time they'll call ahead of time if they want you to be properly dressed for guests. NTA." ~ East_Vegetable7732
"They're breasts. Literally every person on the planet has them."
"NTA, again they're just breasts." ~ Prancinggit420
"NTA. It's your house, you're entitled to your t**s being out."
"Hell, in my house, the only time I have a shirt on is when the company is over, and even then, there's usually not a bra."
"If she's so uncomfortable by naked milk bags, then she shouldn't have been so comfortable accosting you in your own home." ~ CyanCyn
"NTA in the slightest."
"It's a freaking boob."
"You know, the body part meant to feed children?"
"No idea why so many people clutch their pearls and act like seeing a tit is equivalent to seeing someone fist themselves at the table."
"I mean, it wasn't the most appropriate thing in the world to do at the dinner table, but it's also nowhere near the end of the world."
"And it's funny AF." ~ itsurbro7777
"NTA, but I'm with your husband at the dying of laughter." ~ OldGrizzledNorseman
"Do not apologize."
"Sounds like she had it coming. BIG NTA!" ~ No-Personality-9280
"Your husband is a keeper." ~ StrawberryScallion
This is a wild story OP.
And Reddit is clearly here for it!!
Your MIL seems like a real piece of work.
You may have gone a little over the top, but people often get pushed to extremes in these situations.
Nice to hear that your hubby is supporting you.
All jokes aside, it sounds like it's past time for you to have a serious conversation with your mother about her behavior.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp