Perhaps the saddest element of parents choosing to get divorced, is how little most of them think of the effect it will have on their children.
While staying married for the sake of children might not be feasible for a multitude of reasons, more often than not, custody arrangements wind up being more about what the divorcing couple wants, than what is actually best for the children.
Resulting in sometimes irreparable damage to the parent's relationship with their children.
The husband of a recent Redditor had two children from a previous marriage, with whom he had become rather distant.
Eventually, his ex-wife finally agreed that their children should become a part of his and the original poster (OP)'s life, and meet their younger half-brother.
However, when the ex-wife of the OP's husband made a demand before he could see his children again, all hopes of a cordial relationship, and possibly any chance of the OP's husband reuniting with his children, became seemingly null and void.
Having doubts about how she handled the situation, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for kicking my husband's ex-wife out of our house?"
The OP explained why she and her husband wasted no time in kicking her husband's ex-wife out of their house:
"My husband divorced his ex-wife 8 years ago and she weaponized their 2 kids (4 M[ale] and 5 F[emale] at that time) to try to make him stay."
"When that did not happen, she alienated the kids from their father and they did not want any contact with him anymore."
"Now the kids wanted to reconnect so ex-wife reached out to discuss."
"My husband told her the kids can come to our house and meet their brother."
"We started dating 3 years after his divorce, we got married in 2022 and we have a 2 years old son."
"Ex-wife agreed with the condition to come first and see the place where her kids are supposed to come."
"Agreed on our part."
"She arrived and we invited her in."
"The second she stepped into our house she saw our 2 cats and immediately said I have to get rid of them because her daughter is allergic."
"I tried to keep calm and told her that this is out of question."
"The cats are part of our family, we love them and my son loves them, they have such an amazing bond that started when he was still in the womb."
"When I was pregnant our cats used to cuddle with my belly, when my son was born they used to watch him sleep in his crib, they now sleep and play together."
"Ex-wife then turned to my husband and said if you want to see the kids, you will do as I say."
"That was the moment I lost it and told her to get tf out of my house."
"She does not get to come to my house and start demanding things."
"Ex-wife looked at my husband like she expected him to support her but he also requested her to leave and told her 'when your kids ask you why they don't have a relationship with me, please tell them it is because their mom in an insufferable b(word) and if the kids grew up to be like you, it is best we keep our distance because I will not tolerate anyone disrespect my home and my wife'."
"She left and we did not hear from her these days."
"My mom said we are the AH because she feels like my son should know his siblings.'
"However we feel like if his siblings are as toxic as their mother, we are actually protecting our son by not having them meet."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, though neither did her husband or his ex-wife.
Many felt the ex-wife of the OP's husband was out of line in demanding they get rid of their cats, but also felt that the OP handled the situation very poorly, and her husband should have put up more of a fight for his children, with the general agreement being that no one was thinking of the children's best interest:
"ESH, except the kids."
"Your husband remarried and started another family without seemingly even trying with his kids."
"You don't claim broke and have avoided comments questioning why he didn't fight for custody."
"They were KIDS."
"They needed gentle understanding that their parents were not together anymore."
"If mom was primary caregiver and suddenly they were alone with dad, of COURSE they cried and wanted mom!"
"Your husband is an a**hole for throwing in the towel."
"The ex isn't allowed to make demands of a household, I agree, but I don't know if you're a reliable narrator on how the conversation actually went."
"If your tale is accurate she sucks for being demanding."
"IF that's how she said it. I have my doubts."
"You're an a**hole for being so viciously cold towards kids who seemingly want to have a relationship with their deadbeat father and refusing to acknowledge your husband abandoned his children."
"I feel sorry for those kids."- ravenofmyheart
"The ex-wife isn't 'toxic' just because she told you to get rid of your cats."
"Overbearing?"
"Out of line?"
"Sure."
"But toxic is not the right word."
"You're saying that she turned the kids against your husband when they were 4 and 5?"
'How so?"
"Kids that young don't get a say in custody preference."
"Why hasn't your husband seen HIS kids in 8 years?'
"You do realize he walked away from two of his children and he can walk away from yours too, right?"
"ESH and how old are you?"
"23?"- cosnanook
"ESH, except for the kids."
"Every adult in this story is awful."
"OP you should respect the fact your husband has 3 children & you should be building bridges to involve them."
"Ex wife has no right to demand you get rid of the cat but if the allergy thing is true, she should have asked for a neutral meeting place instead."
"Husband is a total AH and possibly the worst here by abandoning his kids."- Fabulous_Cow_4550
"What is wrong with you?"
"These are innocent children, your husband's innocent children!"
"Don't alienate them just because they were cursed with a 'toxic' mom."
"Tell your husband he needs to get his ass down to the courts and get a proper custody arrangement in place."
"Your child is not the most important child."
"You married a man with other children so you have an obligation to include them in your family too."
"ESH!"- Sorry-Thing7797
"ESH."
"I was feeling you until… 'If the kids grow up like you, it's best we keep our distance'."
"Like for real?"
"You are all a bunch of petulant adults that shouldn't have children."
"They deserve sooo much better than this."- KikiMadeCrazy
"ESH."
"Ex-wife did the right thing when informing you and the father that their daughter is allergic to cats."
"But rather than turn it into an opportunity for some joint problem solving, she went overboard when insisting that you get rid of cat."
"And her trying to turn your husband against you is simply unacceptable."
"You accuse her of weaponizing the children against their father but provide no proof."
"You dismiss the real danger that allergies are to people's well being without having asked for the details involving your step daughter."
"Rather than acknowledge the danger that an allergic reaction could pose to his daughter, your husband chose to place all the blame on his ex-wife ('when your kids ask you why they don't have a relationship with me, please tell them it is because their mom in an insufferable b(word)') without so much as trying to find a workable solution and compromise."
"That he call his children 'your kids' betrays what he really thinks about his biological children."- Individual_Ad_9213
"No one cares about the 'bonding' that took place between your cat and kid when you were pregnant."
"Let's just get that out of the way because it's one of the craziest things I've heard today...though it is early and this is Reddit, so that's always subject to change."
"Ex wife may not have had the most pleasant disposition, and she was definitely overly demanding telling you to get rid of the cat."
"But your reaction was hasty and dramatic."
"Instead of trying to diffuse an already tense situation, you upped the ante and became argumentative instead of proposing a simple solution, like simply removing the cats while your husband's kids come visit."
"Or even having the meet take place in a public park or at a restaurant."
"Meanwhile, your husband doesn't seem to truly be interested in seeing his kids."
"Not sure how or why he's allowed 8 years to pass by with no contact, but he was extremely quick to decide that he doesn't want to meet them if they act anything like the ex wife."
"Children."
"All 3 of you acted like children."
"ESH."
"I feel bad for all the kids."
"None of them asked to be born into this type of dysfunction."
"All 3 of you need to reflect on that interaction and ask yourselves if any of you acted with the best interest of all the children."
"I mean, you didn't."
"That's the answer."
"But you all still need to come to that conclusion on your own."- OGBrewSwayne
It seems there is a lot of anger and resentment between the OP's husband and his ex-wife, and the OP is expectedly taking her husband's side.
What all of them are ignoring, however, is the traumatizing effect this is undoubtebly having on the two children of the OP's husband and his ex-wife.
One hopes that they will all eventually come to realize this and try to map out a more productive and healthy way they can all remain a family.
Sadly, seeing how little effort the OP's husband made to see his children up to this point, that doesn't seem to be a very likely prospect.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.