Communication is vital in every relationship.
Whether that relationship is familial, romantic, friendly or professional the only way we know what the other parties need is when there is open and honest communication.
When that communication breaks down problems are not far behind.
So, what happens when a conclusion is jumped too but not corrected right away? Does the delay mean that the fault likes with the person who didn't do the correcting?
Or with the person who did the jumping?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) ItchyProfessor2947 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
She asked:
"AITA for thinking the ring my bf got me was an engagement ring?"
OP got right to the inciting incident.
"Throwaway because I think my bf is on here."
"My bf(25 male) and I(25 female) went out for our sixth month anniversary this weekend and towards the end of the dinner he said he had a gift for me and handed me a box."
"It was a gorgeous ring and I guess the title of this reveals that I confused this gift as a proposal."
"I teared up and screamed 'yes!' repeatedly and other people clapped and cheered."
"My bf looked confused and kind of awkward the rest of the night but before I found out this was a mistake I assumed he was just shocked that I said yes."
Later,
"Fast forward to today I had him over and asked him when we should start telling friends, family and other plans and that's when he finally said 'yeah, about that, I'm not sure how to tell you this but I didn't mean, to propose, my mom and I just thought that would be a perfect first gift'".
"I just laughed it off at first and said 'Oh, well that will make a really funny story for our wedding!' and he corrected me that there was no wedding yet."
"He said this was going too fast and that we shouldn't be getting married for at least another 2 years."
"I was really heartbroken and called him an AH, and that it was stupid of him to get me a f*cking ring if he wasn't proposing, a necklace or something would have made more sense if he was going to give me jewelry."
"He called me an a**hole for being ungrateful and jumping to conclusions and putting him in this position in the first place."
"This was our first really big fight and I ended up kicking him out."
"I called my parents about this today and my dad seems to think that he's the AH but my mom says I was being a complete idiot because it's not like he got on one knee or actually asked me to marry him."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Some responses explained their reasoning.
"YTA and your mom is completely right."
"Did he just hand it to you?"
"Was it wrapped?"
"It's been 6 months and you're jumping to this conclusion?"
"I'm so confused and wondering if you'd have preferred he corrected you in front of all the people in the restaurant?"
"That seems way worse."
"He definitely coulda made you look foolish in front of a crowd and he didn't."
"This is literally all on you for jumping to conclusions, and then acting like he's an AH for buying you a ring instead of a necklace?"
"Pfffffft get outta here. Do whatever you want but even from your perspective, this is a terrible look for you." ~ rjinchico
"Here's why YTA."
"He's a really good communicator."
"According to you, he didn't publicly humiliate you by correcting you on the spot."
"He told you he thinks it's too soon to get married (and he's right! 6 months? You don't even know each other), but that he could see it in a couple of years."
"He sounds really mature."
"Rather than appreciate it, you cussed him out and threw him out."
"Because you were embarrassed. If you manage to salvage this, it could still be a funny story at your wedding." ~ musiotunya
Other responses pointed out how premature marriage talk is in this case.
"'...my mom and I just thought that would be a perfect first gift."'
"Also it was the first gift he has given her."
"Even if he was proposing to her, she would be an idiot to say yes." ~ IDDQD_IDKFA-com
"Exactly."
"I think around 6 months, I was actually a little worried that my now-husband was going to propose and I would have to say no and possibly ruin a really great relationship."
"Fortunately, he didn't for a couple more years, but if he had then I would have said no, no matter how good our relationship was, because that would have freaked me right the f*ck out." ~ jarroz61
"Literally I could not imagine saying yes to a 'proposal' where they didn't even ask me to marry them. You can't just hand someone a ring and call it a proposal."
"It makes no sense that she thought him handing her a ring for their SIX MONTHS relationship was a proposal. My God lady, how badly are you trying to get married." ~ bayleebugs
Some others felt that boyfriend's mom should've warned him about the ring.
"I am curious about how OP's mom was like 'oh yeah definitely give her a ring, she won't assume it's an engagement ring & it'll be fine."' ~ baffled_soap
"This. Thank you for saying this. I can't envisage any mother advising her son to gift a ring to his girlfriend." ~ PurpleAquilegia
There were, of course, personal stories too.
"Man, you would hate my parents."
"The date they met and the date they married were within 6 months of each other."
"And that's with my dad proposing (3?) times because it took him getting drunk to be brave enough to ask, but when he was drunk he couldn't remember the answer."
"Mum made him wait until he was sober enough to remember the answer before they started planning."
"This was a man who when the first started dating set the ground rules of 'I'm never getting married, and I'm never having children'".
"Safe to say, he eventually did it, and they've been married for 30 years, and have 2 children!" ~ forgedsignatures
"My parents got engaged 3 weeks after they met!"
"Then got married within 6 months, and about 9 or 10 months after they met I was born."
"They're still together almost 20 years later, the marriage is still strong (or about as strong as it can be, my dad has dementia and he's dying)."
"They were both in their 30s, so had enough life experience to know when they found 'the one' I guess! ~ lackadaisicalghost
"Yep!"
"I got engaged after 8 months, and married just before the two year mark."
"We have friends who compare themselves to us and beat themselves up for not comparing to our timeline - even when we both ourselves agree that our situation shouldn't be the norm."
"Ours was really unconventional (especially because long distance) but it was because we were both 120% positive."
"I've dated people for 2 or so years and still wouldn't have wanted to be engaged yet. I'd actively discourage most people to follow our short timeline - in most cases it's not ideal." ~ fennekk
Some responses took a larger, more complex view of the situation.
"N T A for getting over-excited and thinking it was an engagement ring. I mean okay you acted impulsively there."
"But YTA for the way you treated him when you found out it WASN'T."
"Even after he clearly stated it's not you kept talking about marriage, then when he said he'd want to wait at least two years (which is more than reasonable) you flip out and call him an a**hole?"
"Like its one thing in the heat of the moment to think 'omg is this a proposal' but he had to say it's not MULTIPLE times for you to accept it, and when you finally do you decide he's an a*s."
"And you were acting entitled and ungrateful."
"Maybe a ring isn't the best first 6-month gift idea, but it came from his heart and he did NOTHING to imply it was a proposal."
"You jumped to conclusions. Then you acted like a spoiled brat and treated him very badly."
"Honestly, If I were him, I'd break up with you." ~ fallriver1221
Though some did feel that the boyfriend was in the wrong.
"OP is N T A for thinking it was an engagement ring."
"A lot of proposals aren't the 'down on one knee, will you marry me?' type."
"Mine wasn't."
"And a lot of people get engaged after a short period of time (never mind my feelings on that, because I'd have been running for the hills), so it wasn't a stretch for her to think that's what it was."
"And given that they're both 25, she certainly wouldn't be expecting it to be a Promise Ring, that would be a juvenile thing for him to do at their age."
"Boyfriend is TA for giving her a ring and not realizing that it was going to look like an engagement ring."
"I read this and thought oh my god, what was he thinking getting her a ring if he wasn't wanting to get engaged???"
"He could have literally gotten her anything else and it wouldn't have been misconstrued."
"However, he was totally gallant for not correcting her in public, and she was T A for the way she reacted..."
"But still, ya know, he set her up for this by giving her a ring. I get that it was a well-intentioned gift, but dude, it was a really clueless thing to do." ~ cat-lover76
Communication is a vital part of all relationships.
Particularly when the conclusion you've reached doesn't seem to mesh with the other facts of a given situation.
Remember to express yourself clearly and directly whenever possible but be patient when misunderstandings still inevitably occur.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.