Redditor BackgroundReporter35 is a 22-year-old woman who initially had a positive dating experience with a 25-year-old guy she met on Tinder.
After the date, he offered to walk her back to her apartment, which she graciously accepted.
But things went south when he had a request.
After the green flags she initially saw quickly turned red that night, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for not letting my date use my bathroom?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained what happened:
"I recently went out on a date with a guy that I met on Tinder. We never met before our date, but we texted for about a week prior, and I thought he was a really nice guy."
"Our date went well; he was a little pompous, and a little overly-flirty, but a nice guy nonetheless. We live in a college town, and the restaurant we went to was walking distance to my apartment, so he offered to walk me home after."
"I thought this was such a green flag, and really appreciated his offer as it was late and getting dark outside. I accept his offer, he walks me home, and I tell him how much I appreciate it—I even try to set up another date on the spot."
"He then offers to come inside and show me a few local bars he knows of (I thought this was weird because he knows I'm a local) so I tell him we could get together in the morning for coffee so he can show me, my treat."
"He tries pretty hard to convince me that it's still early and we can plan it really quickly, but I tell him I want to work on a few homework assignments. He accepts this, but then asks to come in and use my bathroom, which kind of made my heart sink."
"I tell him he can use my leasing office restroom which is right inside the lobby of my apartment, and he became noticeably irritated."
"I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of 'I didn't realize you were such an uptight b****. I'll use the 7/11 bathroom.' And he walked away! I felt horrible, am I wrong?"
"A pretty important detail-I had a bad experience with bringing a guy I didn't know that well over to my apartment last year, and I make it a point not to do it anymore. This is something that, unfortunately, is no longer in my comfort zone as a woman living alone."
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors felt the OP did nothing wrong and her reaction to his request was warranted.
"NTA. About 30ish years ago, my auntie had a date with a seemingly nice person and he asked to use her bathroom. She let him."
"I won't repeat what happened but I will say she is lucky that she's alive today. And it's why no women in the family EVER let a date use their bathroom."
"Always trust your gut." – SkysEevee
"NTA. You'd just left a place with a bathroom and you gave him an alternative. He was trying way too hard to get into your apartment to have good intentions." – planted-autic
"I have an unusual first and last name. Many years ago, when I was still single, I met a guy at a club. We introduced ourselves, giving first names. He asked for my last name. I joked that I didn't have one. I'm like Madonna and Cher. He persisted."
"I said I wasn't comfortable giving out my full name to people I just met, since I didn't have an unlisted number (this was the days of landlines). I mean, this was literally sixty seconds into knowing him."
"He kept asking. Then said, 'What do you think, I'm some kind of creep?; I walked away when he called me a b*tch."
"I didn't think he was a creep, at first... until he kept pushing. If he'd acted like a normal human being who respected boundaries and talked to me for like five minutes, he'd have had my phone number."
"NTA. Any man who doesn't understand that women have to take safety precautions isn't worth knowing." – lorinabaninabanana
"This. I opened this post expecting something like the guy needing to go with no alternative nearby but being too nervous to let a stranger in."
"But this is so clear cut, I don't even know why it's posted here. The guy was a creep beforehand and clearly using the toilet as a pretext. An alternative was available and he proved to be even more of a creep after." – scatterbrain2015
"Isn't it funny how you're the 'dramatic' one even though he's the one that lost his temper and cursed you out for politely declining to let him inside your apartment the first time you'd ever met him." – unrepentantbanshee
"Bad guys count on girls/women wanting to please people. Don't let ANYONE make you feel wrong for being right. You are doing everything you should be doing not to become a statistic/victim. NTA" – g578
"Yeah, he was trying to find excuse after excuse to get into her apartment, which imo would of scared the sh*t out of me so its a good think OP stood her ground."
"I didn't have any experience like what OP had but I've heard stories and meeting a stranger from online for the first time, espeically when women, can be 50/50 on safe or dangerous."
"Impulsivity is something that is very common around OPs age (Im around her age too so Im not bashing that age group) and processing/analyzing the risk versus rewards is not something that our age range is great at as our brains are still developing and adapting to adulthood and the freedoms/responsibilities that come with it."
"Espeically when the reward is something we REALLY WANT despite there being a LOT of risk in it so impulsivity can take over and logic/reasoning can be pushed to the side (espeically if booze involved)."
"This isn't the same for everyone, but a general generalization." – TheoryAddict
"NTA, girl, not dramatic at all. You don't need to be letting some strange guy that you just met for the first time into your home. I don't even let people that I know and like into my home; the only reason that my husband gets in the door is because I'm legally required to let him in because his name is on the mortgage."
"This guy was trying way too hard and his attitude flipped way too quickly. TBH, I wouldn't give him a second chance, even if he apologizes." – StainedGlassMagpie
"The title shouldn't be 'not letting a guy use my bathroom,' it should be 'not letting a guy in my apartment who repeatedly ignored me telling him I didn't want him to stay the night.'"
"Because that was what was happening here. If this guy had accepted her clearly stated no #1-6, he never would have gotten to asking about the toilet. Guy didn't have to pee. And refusing to let a guy pee isn't what happened."
"OP should have faith in herself to explain this differently, because hopefully her friends who criticized her didn't understand what was actually happening!" – OrindaSarnia
"People down play our fears alot girl call us crazy, dramatic ect. Don't listen to them. It's not ok for them to make you feel 'hysterical'. Look up the origins for that word if you don't know where it came from. It's an eye opener."
"I survived a really bad ordeal, only to be told later I had to have made it up because he was such a nice guy and a 'good friend'. I was the problem all the way up till his incarceration for doing the same thing to another young girl."
"Even our friends can make us feel like we are in the wrong. No one wants to admit that this stuff happens to us."
"This guy has bad intentions. Your not in the wrong for not feeling comfortable with him in your apt even if he was prince freaking charming of ever after land. Your allowed to have boundaries. Your feelings matter. You matter."
"Don't let them make you second guess yourself. I wouldn't see him again personally, he sounds like a BTK in the making. Your amazing and beautiful, and have a right to respect." – Athena190
"NTA. OP, I had a guy do this. Technically, two. My friend and I shared a cab with them, said goodbye, and went inside."
"A few minutes later, the cab pulled away and they were knocking at the door. We didn't answer. One asked to use the bathroom at one point. We finally started to pretend to be aggressive dogs barking at the door."
"Guys can pee anywhere, if necessary. Only creepers are this demanding about getting in a woman's house. This guy had issues, and his reaction tells you you dodged a bullet." – crystallz2000
Overall, Redditors were glad she listened to her instincts and dodged a bullet with a guy who showed his true colors after their date.
The OP updated the thread expressing gratitude for all the support expressed in the thread.
"EDIT: thank you all so much for your kind and reassuring comments, and to those of you who shared your own similar stories. I wish I could respond to everyone and say thank you, I'm glad you're safe!"
"His number is blocked, and he hasn't tried to reach out on any other platforms since."
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.