Content Warning: Terminal Illness, Parent Death, Step Family, Adoption, Parentification
Family is meant to be there through thick and thin, but sometimes people only care about that when they are on the receiving end.
A person who has never been there for their child shouldn’t suddenly expect their child to help them when they’re terminally ill, reasoned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Maleficent_Prior5104 had never felt wanted by her father and had little to no relationship with her stepmother or two stepsisters, so she was somewhat apathetic about her father and stepmother both falling ill.
But when the parents expected her to take her young stepsisters in when no one else could, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t think they’d acted much like family up to this point, and there was really no reason to start now.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to take in my about-to-be-orphaned stepsiblings?”
The OP’s father and stepmother were both terminally ill.
“My dad has been married to this lady, Charlotte, for six and a half years.”
“I (26 Female) never lived with Charlotte or Charlotte’s kids, who were one and three when she married my dad. They lost their father when Charlotte was pregnant with the youngest. He didn’t adopt them, but he did help raise them.”
“Now my dad has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, and Charlotte has been diagnosed with terminal cervical cancer, and Charlotte is now receiving hospice care.”
The OP was reluctant to take care of her stepsiblings in the future.
“They want me to take in her children and raise them (now seven and ten) as nobody in Charlotte’s family can or is willing to take them in, and since my father’s family never had anything to do with them and isn’t interested.”
“But I never had much to do with them, either. I was not very involved in their lives. I saw them once or twice a year and was never super close to my dad, either.”
“Nothing has changed with his diagnosis, and a part of me has some resentment that he cares so much about these kids but not me, the kid who is his biological kid, who he always seemed mostly disinterested in.”
“I didn’t live with him as a little kid, and I only saw him a few times. He was never very involved. I didn’t see him regularly, and he did not try to keep in touch very often.”
“He never cared that much for me when I was a kid, nor now as an adult. He wasn’t ever really a parent to me. And now, I have never had an interest in his stepkids, and I feel no sense of family obligation to them. I feel it should be on their actual family.”
They were furious that the OP was refusing to take the children in.
“Dad and Charlotte are going nuts that I would let her kids go into foster care, and they have told me time and time again that these kids are my siblings.”
“Stepsiblings, yes. But they are in no way my real siblings, and I am in no way willing to essentially become their parent.”
“My refusal has been met with so much hostility from both my dad and Charlotte, and now she’s scrambling to find someone else while trying to shame me into changing my mind.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this was an unfair and unrealistic request.
“NTA. That is a ridiculous ask from your father.”
“I feel awful their losing all their parental figures so young; it is utterly unfair. But it’s also utterly unfair to expect you to change your entire life to parent two kids you do not know.”
“You aren’t prepared, and you aren’t willing. That would be a recipe for disaster.” – angel9_writes
“As a parent, one has to face the reality that one may not be there for a child before they are an adult. So that parent has to find someone who AGREES to watch them in the event something happens. NTA.”
“I have it stipulated in my will who my dog would live with if I die before he does, and some money for his upkeep. My friend and I have discussed it in detail, and it’s nice to know he’d go to someone who loved him if something happened to me.”
“I can’t imagine having kids and not making these arrangements right away. Expecting that a half-sibling, whom they had no relationship with, would sacrifice her life to take them in? So irresponsible.” – Kind-Champion-5530
“Sounds like a catastrophic failure by your dad and Charlotte that the only person they can ask to literally be a new parent to their kids has met these children less than a dozen times.”
“No wonder they’re panicking. NTA.” – FoxySlyOldStoatyFox
“That would be a lot of responsibility to lay on you at your age, even if they were your biological sisters. Being 26 is already chaotic enough; now you’re supposed to suddenly become a full-time parent?”
“No. It’s so wild how people expect instant ‘family; vibes just ’cause papers say step-anything.” – marcopaniko
“He made a home you were never truly welcome in, and now asks you to hold it together when it crumbles. But obligation without love is a prison.”
“You can grieve the children’s pain and still protect your peace. Sometimes, the kindest thing is also the hardest no.” – TheDrunkMasterLou
“Even if you were close, you owe them nothing. Kids are a lot of responsibility, and to become a single mother to two would make your life hard for no reason.”
“It really sucks for those kids, but they are not your responsibility, and hopefully someone nice will be able to adopt them, but do not feel bad for not taking on two small children.” – Far_Scholar1986
“So they barely had time for you, but now that you could be ‘useful,’ they want you to completely change your life at their request. Got it. NTA.”
“That level of responsibility should not be pushed onto anyone.”
“Your step-siblings are not your legal responsibility. Your sort-of-parent and stepparent know that, which is why they are pushing so hard.”
“They should have started making arrangements for their children at the start of any illness. Instead, they banked on YOU and are now losing their s**t because so far you have resisted the pressure.” – Meteorite42
“To be honest, I might be the a**hole here, but I seriously think if you go along with their wishes, you could be ruining your whole life.”
“Parenthood is a monumental decision that no one should take lightly. Being forced into becoming a parent, of children you never chose to have, nor are you related to in any way, can destroy your life, but also theirs.”
“I don’t think putting yourself first is wrong in this case, and I wouldn’t take them in it if I were you. NTA.” – Just-Standard-992
“NTA.”
“I’ve known two sets of foster parents, and they were both fully prepared to have children. They all had good jobs, savings, decent-sized house they owned, a good support system, and one couple had adult children, so plenty of experience.”
“I’d be surprised if you had any of that experience, financial or housing stability, as a 20-something in 2025.”
“So even if you were willing, you wouldn’t necessarily be the best match.”
“And the fact that NO ONE in Charlotte’s family, her deceased husband’s family, or your dad’s family is READY in 2025 to take them confirms that, or WILLING suggests that these might not even be the best-behaved girls in the world, to put it lightly, which would be all the more complicated for you.”
“They’re panicking and so not thinking straight. You are NTA.” – stophittingthyself
“You would not be the a**hole if you don’t take them. They are not related to you, and even if they were half-siblings, you still would not be obligated to take them.”
“What they fail to take into consideration is that this affects the next 13+ years of your life. This is a time and financial impact on your life. Just tell them that they need to find someone else. The kids can probably be placed for adoption since they are still young.”
“Don’t be guilted or bullied by the flying family monkeys into doing something like this that will have such a BIG IMPACT on your life. You don’t OWE this to your dad or his wife.”
“Take care. NTA.” – bino0526
But others wondered if they’d be able to sleep at night if they made the OP’s decision.
“Go over and meet the children. If you haven’t seen them in a while, they’ll have grown up a bit. See if you have room in your heart for them.”
“Foster care stinks. It damages a lot of children. You think you don’t have much capacity to be a mother to them, but love surprises us.”
“You would not be the first young woman who gave orphaned kids the love they needed to achieve healthy adulthood.”
“Their inheritance would come with them as well as Social Security and such.”
“Go visit with them. Start there.” – auntrgrace211
“Look into the concept with an open mind, even if the answer is an understandable no in the end.”
“Everyone else saying to reject it out of hand, how dare they ask you to do this, etc… they’re forgetting the humanity underneath. A decision like this needs to be entered with grace and with thought.”
“Furthermore, OP is likely going to have ties to these kids for a long time. Even if she doesn’t take them in, they might reach out in the future.”
“She could be the only person who can tell them about who their mom and stepdad were as people, and give them the gift of knowing where they come from before it all fell apart for them.” – cch246
“This is terribly sad for those children. This is why getting life insurance is important. There would be funds to help raise them rather than them being a burden on someone who doesn’t want them.” – Successful-Show-7397
“If it were me, I’d take them in, but that isn’t the same for everyone, which is understandable. It wouldn’t be easy to take in two children who don’t know you as anything other than a bi-annual visitor, especially when both parental units have disappeared from their lives in such a traumatic way in a short space of time.”
“Your refusal is your boundary, so stick to it. This isn’t like they’re asking you to babysit for half an hour whilst they nip to the supermarket. This is a commitment that requires a lot of dedication.”
“I can see why they’re getting so worked up and hostile. I think I would if I were panicking about what would happen to my children when I’m gone and there was no plan, that’s normal. If anything, their hostility isn’t aimed at you; it’s aimed at their situation in general.”
“I’m actually going to vote with NAH. You certainly aren’t an a**hole for having your boundaries and knowing that this isn’t right for you or the kids, and your parent/step parent isn’t wrong for panicking about their children’s lives when they aren’t there anymore.” – reader_bee
“Do you think you’ll be able to sleep at night if something happens to them? That is something I need you to think about, because at his funeral, there were a lot of people that can’t now.”
“I’d step in to raise my third cousins that I haven’t seen in two years if I had to after what I’ve seen of the system.”
“Stepsiblings are still siblings, and your dad is likely p**sed because he’s f**king terrified for his kids, and I’d be p**sed too. I don’t know if you realize how much they’re likely to suffer through, or if you just don’t care: I’m hoping it’s the first.”
“I’m begging you to think more about this, and look up rates of harm and abuse that happen to kids in the system. I lost a friend to an abusive foster home. I’m begging you to consider. YTA.” – JDMplsmarryme
Though everyone could agree that this was a painfully complicated situation, the subReddit was otherwise divided over what they thought the OP should do.
On the one hand, the OP was twenty-six years old, single, and not with the appropriate work, income, or support to suddently take in two children with health, education, and extracurricular needs, plus adjusting to a new life with a sister they barely know while grieving the loss of both of their parents in quick succession. Many people would buckle under far less pressure.
But on the other hand, this was not either of these girls’ fault, and if there truly was no one in parents’ lives from any branch of the family who was prepared or willing to take the girls in, it was up to either the OP or foster care, which isn’t always a happy and healthy system.
Only the OP knew what was best for her, but the family would only know in time if her best was also best for her stepsisters.