Content Warning: Terminal Illness, Parent Death, Step Family, Adoption, Parentification
Family is meant to be there through thick and thin, but sometimes people only care about that when they are on the receiving end.
A person who has never been there for their child shouldn't suddenly expect their child to help them when they're terminally ill, reasoned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Maleficent_Prior5104 had never felt wanted by her father and had little to no relationship with her stepmother or two stepsisters, so she was somewhat apathetic about her father and stepmother both falling ill.
But when the parents expected her to take her young stepsisters in when no one else could, the Original Poster (OP) didn't think they'd acted much like family up to this point, and there was really no reason to start now.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to take in my about-to-be-orphaned stepsiblings?"
The OP's father and stepmother were both terminally ill.
"My dad has been married to this lady, Charlotte, for six and a half years."
"I (26 Female) never lived with Charlotte or Charlotte's kids, who were one and three when she married my dad. They lost their father when Charlotte was pregnant with the youngest. He didn't adopt them, but he did help raise them."
"Now my dad has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, and Charlotte has been diagnosed with terminal cervical cancer, and Charlotte is now receiving hospice care."
The OP was reluctant to take care of her stepsiblings in the future.
"They want me to take in her children and raise them (now seven and ten) as nobody in Charlotte's family can or is willing to take them in, and since my father's family never had anything to do with them and isn't interested."
"But I never had much to do with them, either. I was not very involved in their lives. I saw them once or twice a year and was never super close to my dad, either."
"Nothing has changed with his diagnosis, and a part of me has some resentment that he cares so much about these kids but not me, the kid who is his biological kid, who he always seemed mostly disinterested in."
"I didn't live with him as a little kid, and I only saw him a few times. He was never very involved. I didn't see him regularly, and he did not try to keep in touch very often."
"He never cared that much for me when I was a kid, nor now as an adult. He wasn't ever really a parent to me. And now, I have never had an interest in his stepkids, and I feel no sense of family obligation to them. I feel it should be on their actual family."
They were furious that the OP was refusing to take the children in.
"Dad and Charlotte are going nuts that I would let her kids go into foster care, and they have told me time and time again that these kids are my siblings."
"Stepsiblings, yes. But they are in no way my real siblings, and I am in no way willing to essentially become their parent."
"My refusal has been met with so much hostility from both my dad and Charlotte, and now she's scrambling to find someone else while trying to shame me into changing my mind."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this was an unfair and unrealistic request.
"NTA. That is a ridiculous ask from your father."
"I feel awful their losing all their parental figures so young; it is utterly unfair. But it's also utterly unfair to expect you to change your entire life to parent two kids you do not know."
"You aren't prepared, and you aren't willing. That would be a recipe for disaster." - angel9_writes
"As a parent, one has to face the reality that one may not be there for a child before they are an adult. So that parent has to find someone who AGREES to watch them in the event something happens. NTA."
"I have it stipulated in my will who my dog would live with if I die before he does, and some money for his upkeep. My friend and I have discussed it in detail, and it's nice to know he'd go to someone who loved him if something happened to me."
"I can't imagine having kids and not making these arrangements right away. Expecting that a half-sibling, whom they had no relationship with, would sacrifice her life to take them in? So irresponsible." - Kind-Champion-5530
"Sounds like a catastrophic failure by your dad and Charlotte that the only person they can ask to literally be a new parent to their kids has met these children less than a dozen times."
"No wonder they're panicking. NTA." - FoxySlyOldStoatyFox
"That would be a lot of responsibility to lay on you at your age, even if they were your biological sisters. Being 26 is already chaotic enough; now you're supposed to suddenly become a full-time parent?"
"No. It's so wild how people expect instant 'family; vibes just 'cause papers say step-anything." - marcopaniko
"He made a home you were never truly welcome in, and now asks you to hold it together when it crumbles. But obligation without love is a prison."
"You can grieve the children's pain and still protect your peace. Sometimes, the kindest thing is also the hardest no." - TheDrunkMasterLou
"Even if you were close, you owe them nothing. Kids are a lot of responsibility, and to become a single mother to two would make your life hard for no reason."
"It really sucks for those kids, but they are not your responsibility, and hopefully someone nice will be able to adopt them, but do not feel bad for not taking on two small children." - Far_Scholar1986
"So they barely had time for you, but now that you could be 'useful,' they want you to completely change your life at their request. Got it. NTA."
"That level of responsibility should not be pushed onto anyone."
"Your step-siblings are not your legal responsibility. Your sort-of-parent and stepparent know that, which is why they are pushing so hard."
"They should have started making arrangements for their children at the start of any illness. Instead, they banked on YOU and are now losing their s**t because so far you have resisted the pressure." - Meteorite42
"To be honest, I might be the a**hole here, but I seriously think if you go along with their wishes, you could be ruining your whole life."
"Parenthood is a monumental decision that no one should take lightly. Being forced into becoming a parent, of children you never chose to have, nor are you related to in any way, can destroy your life, but also theirs."
"I don't think putting yourself first is wrong in this case, and I wouldn't take them in it if I were you. NTA." - Just-Standard-992
"NTA."
"I've known two sets of foster parents, and they were both fully prepared to have children. They all had good jobs, savings, decent-sized house they owned, a good support system, and one couple had adult children, so plenty of experience."
"I'd be surprised if you had any of that experience, financial or housing stability, as a 20-something in 2025."
"So even if you were willing, you wouldn't necessarily be the best match."
"And the fact that NO ONE in Charlotte's family, her deceased husband's family, or your dad's family is READY in 2025 to take them confirms that, or WILLING suggests that these might not even be the best-behaved girls in the world, to put it lightly, which would be all the more complicated for you."
"They're panicking and so not thinking straight. You are NTA." - stophittingthyself
"You would not be the a**hole if you don't take them. They are not related to you, and even if they were half-siblings, you still would not be obligated to take them."
"What they fail to take into consideration is that this affects the next 13+ years of your life. This is a time and financial impact on your life. Just tell them that they need to find someone else. The kids can probably be placed for adoption since they are still young."
"Don't be guilted or bullied by the flying family monkeys into doing something like this that will have such a BIG IMPACT on your life. You don't OWE this to your dad or his wife."
"Take care. NTA." - bino0526
But others wondered if they'd be able to sleep at night if they made the OP's decision.
"Go over and meet the children. If you haven't seen them in a while, they'll have grown up a bit. See if you have room in your heart for them."
"Foster care stinks. It damages a lot of children. You think you don't have much capacity to be a mother to them, but love surprises us."
"You would not be the first young woman who gave orphaned kids the love they needed to achieve healthy adulthood."
"Their inheritance would come with them as well as Social Security and such."
"Go visit with them. Start there." - auntrgrace211
"Look into the concept with an open mind, even if the answer is an understandable no in the end."
"Everyone else saying to reject it out of hand, how dare they ask you to do this, etc… they're forgetting the humanity underneath. A decision like this needs to be entered with grace and with thought."
"Furthermore, OP is likely going to have ties to these kids for a long time. Even if she doesn't take them in, they might reach out in the future."
"She could be the only person who can tell them about who their mom and stepdad were as people, and give them the gift of knowing where they come from before it all fell apart for them." - cch246
"This is terribly sad for those children. This is why getting life insurance is important. There would be funds to help raise them rather than them being a burden on someone who doesn't want them." - Successful-Show-7397
"If it were me, I'd take them in, but that isn't the same for everyone, which is understandable. It wouldn't be easy to take in two children who don't know you as anything other than a bi-annual visitor, especially when both parental units have disappeared from their lives in such a traumatic way in a short space of time."
"Your refusal is your boundary, so stick to it. This isn't like they're asking you to babysit for half an hour whilst they nip to the supermarket. This is a commitment that requires a lot of dedication."
"I can see why they're getting so worked up and hostile. I think I would if I were panicking about what would happen to my children when I'm gone and there was no plan, that's normal. If anything, their hostility isn't aimed at you; it's aimed at their situation in general."
"I'm actually going to vote with NAH. You certainly aren't an a**hole for having your boundaries and knowing that this isn't right for you or the kids, and your parent/step parent isn't wrong for panicking about their children's lives when they aren't there anymore." - reader_bee
"Do you think you'll be able to sleep at night if something happens to them? That is something I need you to think about, because at his funeral, there were a lot of people that can't now."
"I'd step in to raise my third cousins that I haven't seen in two years if I had to after what I've seen of the system."
"Stepsiblings are still siblings, and your dad is likely p**sed because he's f**king terrified for his kids, and I'd be p**sed too. I don't know if you realize how much they're likely to suffer through, or if you just don't care: I'm hoping it's the first."
"I'm begging you to think more about this, and look up rates of harm and abuse that happen to kids in the system. I lost a friend to an abusive foster home. I'm begging you to consider. YTA." - JDMplsmarryme
Though everyone could agree that this was a painfully complicated situation, the subReddit was otherwise divided over what they thought the OP should do.
On the one hand, the OP was twenty-six years old, single, and not with the appropriate work, income, or support to suddently take in two children with health, education, and extracurricular needs, plus adjusting to a new life with a sister they barely know while grieving the loss of both of their parents in quick succession. Many people would buckle under far less pressure.
But on the other hand, this was not either of these girls' fault, and if there truly was no one in parents' lives from any branch of the family who was prepared or willing to take the girls in, it was up to either the OP or foster care, which isn't always a happy and healthy system.
Only the OP knew what was best for her, but the family would only know in time if her best was also best for her stepsisters.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp