Though we don't like to think about it, life is not a guarantee, and terrible tragedies happen every day, sometimes to people we know.
When we've lost someone close to us, biologically or emotionally, there might be major decisions we have to make while also feeling our grief, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
After her sister-in-law passed away, Redditor DollaLife was asked about possibly providing a home for her two nieces, because other family members were not able to take them in.
When she and her husband were reluctant to do so, the Original Poster (OP) felt pressured by her family to change her mind.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my in-laws we want nothing to do with being parents to our nieces?"
The OP's sister-in-law recently passed away, leaving behind two daughters.
"I (21 Female) have been married to my husband for six months, and we've been together since we were 15."
"My husband had a drug addict older sister (26 Female) who had two daughters of her own (ages 9 and 6). We've only met the girls a few times. No one knows who the fathers are."
"My husband's sister passed away three weeks ago, and the girls are currently staying in a foster home."
The OP's mother-in-law (MIL) was pressuring the couple to care for the girls.
"My MIL was pressuring us to take them. You see, we really could, we have the financials and the space, but I just do not desire children."
"Neither does my husband."
"I feel as though I do not have the sensitivity to be a mother, and it wouldn't be great for us nor the children."
"I tried explaining this to MIL, but MIL says you do it for family, and that she would take them if it wasn't for my FIL's failing health."
"I basically shut it down, and she kept going on about how they would spend their lives in the system and how we have good potential to be great parents."
"I finally cut her off and said we want nothing to do with being parents to our nieces."
"MIL got upset, hung up the phone, and hasn't talked to me since."
The couple continued to be pressured.
"She keeps sending my husband articles though on statistics of children in foster care and telling him we could've prevented this."
"My husband and I have talked about it, but we just honestly don't want to. We don't have the time, and we're simply just not parent material."
"They'd have a better life in foster care."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned the OP would become resentful if she adopted her nieces.
"Being pressured into raising somebody you didn't want will obviously build up resentment, which will inevitably cause everybody misery."
"Plus, they're literally 21 YEARS OLD. That's too young to be raising a kid because they were only kids as well a few years ago. MIL can't expect them to magically figure out how to raise two children that they don't want!"
"Not only that, but they don't want children themselves. Being pressured into raising two kids you don't want, along with the fact you don't want kids is a recipe for disaster. NTA." - BitlifeOfficial_
"As someone else who doesn't want children, I am biased, but NTA."
"The children would NOT be better off with people who actively want nothing to do with them and would only be accepting them after immense societal pressure. That would be a breeding ground for resentment and abuse."
"You're doing what's best, OP." - littlelionears
"NTA. It is a tragic situation, and it is very sad for everyone involved."
"If you take the kids on, you're potentially accepting to raise them in your home for the next 10ish years. That's a massive commitment, financially, emotionally, and time-wise. It's not fair on either of you."
"Could their grandma get a carer for her husband so she can take the kids in? Maybe then you and your husband could help out a bit each week, take them for a night, or help in other ways. Once they're older, they won't need as much supervision." - Ambitious-Lettuce-48
"NTA. You shouldn't be a parent if you don't want to be a parent. (And I'm not saying that in a mean way, I don't want to be a parent, and I'm not going to, so I completely understand.)"
"Having children just dropped into your childless lives can lead to resentment, even if you don't mean it to, and the kids can sense that. I can understand that your mother-in-law's coming from an emotional place, but your feelings about having children are valid."
"Also, these won't be two well-adjusted children being dropped down in a new home. These kids are going to have problems that need to be addressed in a certain way."
"Placing foster kids with family members because it will be easier for them to adjust only makes sense if they actually know those family members. But when it comes to the girls and you and your husband, you might as well be strangers."
"So when it comes down to the choice between strangers who have no experience with children versus strangers who do have experience with children and probably children who have been through horrible circumstances, you definitely want to go with the experienced parents."
"These girls will need help that y'all just aren't emotionally ready to give them. And again, I'm not judging. I wouldn't be emotionally ready for that, either."
"I think it would be better for the girls and for y'all if they went to someone else. And that doesn't mean you can't be in their lives. You just shouldn't have to be their parents." - wowImlate
"I think NTA for not taking them, but I think you should encourage the grandparents to get the girls some kind of genetic testing to see if they can find any living relatives on their paternal side who might be interested in adopting them."
"You never know. Maybe there are other grandparents, close relatives, or potentially infertile distant family members who would love to take them in."
"If that couldn't work out, then I think if you care about the girls, you and your husband need to strongly consider some form of visitation with them. Being the occasional fun aunt/uncle is way easier than being their main caregivers, and they're getting older, so I think it could be enjoyable for everyone involved."
"(I feel like it also might help with keeping up with their safety/well-being while they are in the system.)" - Sunflower_Vibe
But others thought the OP's comment about foster care made her the AH.
"YTA for 'They would have a better life in foster care.'"
"You have every right to say no, but do it openly and honestly. Don't sugarcoat it so you can live with a clear conscience. They would not be better off in foster care. The odds are not good for them, not good at all."
"To clarify, I'm not saying OP is TA for not wanting to raise the kids. I'm saying OP is TA for saying they would be better off in the foster care system to make herself feel better. Even being raised by indifferent/resentful parents is better than what a lot of kids go through in the foster system, and there isn't a risk of the girls being separated."
"OP gets to decide what she wants, but she doesn't get to downplay what those kids are likely to go through." - Corpuscular_Ocelot
"The OP really said, 'They'd have a better life in foster care.' OK, that's taking it too far. YTA for justifying your otherwise-legit decision with that comment." - RB1327
"I don't think OP is obligated to take them in, but she doesn't really seem to understand the stakes here." - Comprehensive-Sea-63
"The horrors my grandmother and some of my aunts went through made me physically sick to hear about. The absolute torture that was forced on them." - Just_A_Sad_Unicorn
"Really torn here. From a purely logical approach, NTA. You do not have obligation to do so and you and your husband are in agreement."
"From a personal perspective (influenced by my culture), YTA. Foster care is not a good place for kids. The other piece which really bothers me is the phrase, 'we don't have time.' In my culture, kids come first."
"All said NTA, but I would not want to know you." - ItIsNotAManual1984
"My husband and I fostered for years, and our oldest two children are adopted from state care. The foster system is awful, and there is no way these girls will be better in care than in a stable home."
"That being said, OP's home is not the correct stable home. These kids need a home with trauma training or at least one with more life experience."
"One thing I would like to encourage OP and her husband to think about is to consider becoming respite providers for these girls. Respite is just the state's term for certified babysitting, usually in the form of overnights or weekends."
"By doing respite, they could provide support for these girls and a connection to the mother they lost while not being 100 percent responsible for their raising. MIL could also do respite to work on her relationship with them."
"NTA, but please, please please find a way to keep a connection to these girls so if something does go wrong in their home, they have someone who can advocate for them. This connection, even if it's minor and only an outing or sleepover a month, could really make a huge difference, especially as they grow." - MommaHistory
The subReddit appreciated how complicated and tragic this situation was, and they could equally see the OP's reluctance to become a parent as valid.
However, some needed to point out to the OP the realities of the foster care system. While it was fair for her to say that she did not want to be a mother, and her husband did not want to be a father, they still needed to understand the life their nieces possibly would have in foster care before making their final decision.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp