Forgiveness takes many forms.
Some people realize how much worse off their life is with someone they became estranged from, and eventually welcome them back into their lives, despite being badly hurt by them in the past.
For others, someone near and dear to them may have hurt them too deeply ever to become an active part of their life again, and the only way they can forgive them is by letting go.
Then there are those who believe that forgiveness must be earned, and it is for them to decide if someone has sufficiently repented to earn their forgiveness.
Redditor ThrowRATwist8921 was hurt very badly by her ex-husband but did her best to remain cordial with him in the interest of their children.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)’s husband received some upsetting news that could put him and his new wife in a financial pickle.
When they contacted the OP to help them with this issue, the OP flatly refused.
Wondering if they were being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to waive my alimony because my ex husband has cancer and can’t afford it?”
The OP explained why she refused to help put an ease on her husband’s finances after a scary diagnosis:
“My ex-husband (56 M[ale]) and I (52 F[emale]) got divorced because of his infidelity.”
“He married his affair partner.”
“She was a sex worker 20 years younger than me.”
“As part of our prenuptial agreements, we had agreed I would receive alimony for being a a SAHM.”
“I was a SAHM for my entire marriage.”
“We had three daughters.”
“He never had a problem with paying alimony after our divorce.”
“We had to be friendly to maintain a good co-parenting relationship.”
“My daughters were very hurt in the beginning but learned to forgive my husband and his wife.”
“They make TikToks with her all the time now.”
“He ended up getting cancer, and because he became a big spender and had recently started his own business, the bills have been very hard on him.”
“He and his wife asked if I could waive my alimony payments at least for a little while so that he can pay for his cancer treatments.”
“I see no reason why they can’t downgrade their quality of life.”
“They live in a multi-million dollar house and his wife is decked out in designer clothes and has a face full of procedures.”
“I told them no, and they have been pressing me to waive my alimony payments.”
“They’ve even made my daughters bring it up.”
“He’s called me coldhearted and said he had been ‘good to me’ and would have helped me out if I was going through a hard time.”
“He has early-stage thyroid cancer.”
“It’s very treatable.”
“He’s not going to die.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not letting her husband waive his alimony payments during his cancer treatment.
Everyone agreed that the OP was absolutely right in feeling that her ex-husband and his new wife needed to re-asses their lifestyle if they found their purses tightening, and regardless of the severity of the diagnosis, paying the OP alimony was still her ex-husband’s legal obligation:
“NTA.”
“He hasn’t been good to you.”
“He’s given you alimony because he’s legally required to.”
“He cheated on you, then left you.”
“He’s getting your kids involved in a disagreement that has nothing to do with them.”
“I’m sorry he has cancer, but this is a him problem, not a you problem.”- ncslazar7
“NTA.”
“That they live above their means isn’t your problem.”
“They asked, and you said no.”
“That should have been it, but here’s where I really feel you’re not at fault.”
“They KEEP harping after you said no.”
“Then they try to use the kids.”
“That’s a seriously low thing to do.”
‘Then he calls you names and says how good he’s been (after he cheated and it led to divorce – the alimony isn’t “being good”, that’s court mandated).”
“‘He would have helped out’- right, easy to say now.”
“He didn’t ‘help you out’ when he helped himself to another woman.”
“If they really had a money crunch, they can probably sell cars or house or take a loan against the house which they pay back when they downsize the house later, etc.”
‘Basically, there are many other avenues before the alimony payments.”
“They probably went for that because it would be the easiest if you just agreed.”
“Does the wife not work?”- DixOut-4-Harambe
“NTA.”
“I’m going to assume it’s all middle schoolers in the comments because good god.”
“If he truly can’t afford it, he can go back to court and try to have it reduced.”
“She is not lazy, she was a SAHM who would have an extremely tough time getting back into the work force at this point, because of sacrifices she made FOR HIM.”
“He has a multimillion dollar house, no one NEEDS that. If he can afford it great, if not – well he’s the one who cheated, knowing there was a clause for alimony in the prenup.”
“Good lord Reddit sometimes.”- faxmachine13
“NTA.”
“If your daughters are adults, then tell them not to get involved because this is what you deserve as a person who trusted your ex husband and allowed him to affect a lot of your life choices.”
“Its literally the contract.”
“You compromise on having your own career, he makes sure you’re taken care of.”
“If they’re not adults (since no ages are mentioned), I’d be wary of young AP trying to alienate and distance you from them.”
“If they’re at an easy to influence age, this could be with some sort of inheritance or scheme in mind, or just to spite you.”
“Cancer is still a lot to deal with, so I’ll leave you (or I guess your ex) with some thoughts in this difficult time.”- 7AlphaOne1
“There’s your answer.”
“The people who screwed you over and owe you money as a result are trying to convince you to subsidize their lavish lifestyle.”
“Hell, no.”
“And if your daughters get sucked into it, show them this post.’
“NTA.”- Helpful_Hour1984
“NTA.”
“Your alimony was part of your *divorce agreement, just like child support was.”
“What is happening in his life has no bearing on that.”
“If he has a car payment or mortgage, the bank isn’t going waive his payments either.”
“Whether he lives above or below his means isn’t a factor and it does make you sound bitter and judgmental.”
“Just say no.”
“He will probably take you to court to try to stop paying you, so be prepared.”
“*prenup.”- tatersprout
“NTA.”
“He can sell his multi-million dollar home and downgrade.”
“Or cut other costs for that matter.”
“Alimony is owed to you, period.”
“He did the dirty, he pays.”
“Your kids should not get involved.”- berngherlier
“NTA.”
“But, what did your kids say to you?”
“Mom, I know dad left you for a literal sex worker but she will leave him for another John if you don’t waive alimony?”
“On a side note.”
“This man cheated on you with a sex worker.”
“Just one?”
“Or were there dozens before her?”
“Tell him suck it up buttercup, alimony is your back pay for all the years of your youth wasted on him.”- Holiday_Reporter_804
“LOOOOOOL TF does he mean ‘I was good to you’ …my guy you cheated on her with a woman 20 years younger than you.”
“NTA Op, they can ask, you can say no.”
“If it really gets rough then they can downsize and stop excessively spending”
“PS: bringing your daughters into this 100000% makes them MASSIVE a**holes.”-HUNGWHITEBOI25
“NTA.”
“Also, why should you have to suffer because of their choices?”
“You already suffered before because of their affair.”
“That’s what led to the endorse.”
“That’s the reason why he had to pay alimony.”
“In the first place, alimony is his punishment for the action that he chose to do with it.”
‘My wife, so no, that’s not your problem.”
‘You can feel sad that he has cancer.”
“Great, but that don’t mean that.”
“You should allow it to impact you negatively financially.”
“Because are they gonna increase the payments again?”
‘After cancer and not trying to be rude or mean.”
“But what happens if he dies?”
“You gonna need to have that money for you and your girls.”
“Still, there’s so many like what ifs, so no, no.”
“Keep your money consistent.”
“Because I highly doubt that after he heals.”
“He’s not gonna be selfish myself live and say oh, I’ll pay you back where you lost those months and some more.”
“He’s not going to do that, so no, don’t put yourself in harm’s way for a man who couldn’t even commit to his promise to you while married.”
“Why would he commit to a promise to you when y’all are divorced.”- mspooh321
Being diagnosed with cancer is terrifying news, no matter a mild or terminal diagnosis.
That being said, if the OP’s ex-husband needs to make changes to his current financial situation, waiving his alimony payments should be his absolute last resort.
Particularly if he is living above his means as the OP suggests he is.
That’s not even mentioning the fact that after he cheated on the OP, he felt he was “good to her” for merely fulfilling his legal obligation of paying alimony.