Forgiveness takes many forms.
Some people realize how much worse off their life is with someone they became estranged from, and eventually welcome them back into their lives, despite being badly hurt by them in the past.
For others, someone near and dear to them may have hurt them too deeply ever to become an active part of their life again, and the only way they can forgive them is by letting go.
Then there are those who believe that forgiveness must be earned, and it is for them to decide if someone has sufficiently repented to earn their forgiveness.
Redditor ThrowRATwist8921 was hurt very badly by her ex-husband but did her best to remain cordial with him in the interest of their children.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)'s husband received some upsetting news that could put him and his new wife in a financial pickle.
When they contacted the OP to help them with this issue, the OP flatly refused.
Wondering if they were being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to waive my alimony because my ex husband has cancer and can't afford it?"
The OP explained why she refused to help put an ease on her husband's finances after a scary diagnosis:
"My ex-husband (56 M[ale]) and I (52 F[emale]) got divorced because of his infidelity."
"He married his affair partner."
"She was a sex worker 20 years younger than me."
"As part of our prenuptial agreements, we had agreed I would receive alimony for being a a SAHM."
"I was a SAHM for my entire marriage."
"We had three daughters."
"He never had a problem with paying alimony after our divorce."
"We had to be friendly to maintain a good co-parenting relationship."
"My daughters were very hurt in the beginning but learned to forgive my husband and his wife."
"They make TikToks with her all the time now."
"He ended up getting cancer, and because he became a big spender and had recently started his own business, the bills have been very hard on him."
"He and his wife asked if I could waive my alimony payments at least for a little while so that he can pay for his cancer treatments."
"I see no reason why they can't downgrade their quality of life."
"They live in a multi-million dollar house and his wife is decked out in designer clothes and has a face full of procedures."
"I told them no, and they have been pressing me to waive my alimony payments."
"They've even made my daughters bring it up."
"He's called me coldhearted and said he had been 'good to me' and would have helped me out if I was going through a hard time."
"He has early-stage thyroid cancer."
"It's very treatable."
"He's not going to die."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not letting her husband waive his alimony payments during his cancer treatment.
Everyone agreed that the OP was absolutely right in feeling that her ex-husband and his new wife needed to re-asses their lifestyle if they found their purses tightening, and regardless of the severity of the diagnosis, paying the OP alimony was still her ex-husband's legal obligation:
"NTA."
"He hasn't been good to you."
"He's given you alimony because he's legally required to."
"He cheated on you, then left you."
"He's getting your kids involved in a disagreement that has nothing to do with them."
"I'm sorry he has cancer, but this is a him problem, not a you problem."- ncslazar7
"NTA."
"That they live above their means isn't your problem."
"They asked, and you said no."
"That should have been it, but here's where I really feel you're not at fault."
"They KEEP harping after you said no."
"Then they try to use the kids."
"That's a seriously low thing to do."
'Then he calls you names and says how good he's been (after he cheated and it led to divorce - the alimony isn't "being good", that's court mandated)."
"'He would have helped out'- right, easy to say now."
"He didn't 'help you out' when he helped himself to another woman."
"If they really had a money crunch, they can probably sell cars or house or take a loan against the house which they pay back when they downsize the house later, etc."
'Basically, there are many other avenues before the alimony payments."
"They probably went for that because it would be the easiest if you just agreed."
"Does the wife not work?"- DixOut-4-Harambe
"NTA."
"I'm going to assume it's all middle schoolers in the comments because good god."
"If he truly can't afford it, he can go back to court and try to have it reduced."
"She is not lazy, she was a SAHM who would have an extremely tough time getting back into the work force at this point, because of sacrifices she made FOR HIM."
"He has a multimillion dollar house, no one NEEDS that. If he can afford it great, if not - well he's the one who cheated, knowing there was a clause for alimony in the prenup."
"Good lord Reddit sometimes."- faxmachine13
"NTA."
"If your daughters are adults, then tell them not to get involved because this is what you deserve as a person who trusted your ex husband and allowed him to affect a lot of your life choices."
"Its literally the contract."
"You compromise on having your own career, he makes sure you're taken care of."
"If they're not adults (since no ages are mentioned), I'd be wary of young AP trying to alienate and distance you from them."
"If they're at an easy to influence age, this could be with some sort of inheritance or scheme in mind, or just to spite you."
"Cancer is still a lot to deal with, so I'll leave you (or I guess your ex) with some thoughts in this difficult time."- 7AlphaOne1
"There's your answer."
"The people who screwed you over and owe you money as a result are trying to convince you to subsidize their lavish lifestyle."
"Hell, no."
"And if your daughters get sucked into it, show them this post.'
"NTA."- Helpful_Hour1984
"NTA."
"Your alimony was part of your *divorce agreement, just like child support was."
"What is happening in his life has no bearing on that."
"If he has a car payment or mortgage, the bank isn't going waive his payments either."
"Whether he lives above or below his means isn't a factor and it does make you sound bitter and judgmental."
"Just say no."
"He will probably take you to court to try to stop paying you, so be prepared."
"*prenup."- tatersprout
"NTA."
"He can sell his multi-million dollar home and downgrade."
"Or cut other costs for that matter."
"Alimony is owed to you, period."
"He did the dirty, he pays."
"Your kids should not get involved."- berngherlier
"NTA."
"But, what did your kids say to you?"
"Mom, I know dad left you for a literal sex worker but she will leave him for another John if you don't waive alimony?"
"On a side note."
"This man cheated on you with a sex worker."
"Just one?"
"Or were there dozens before her?"
"Tell him suck it up buttercup, alimony is your back pay for all the years of your youth wasted on him."- Holiday_Reporter_804
"LOOOOOOL TF does he mean 'I was good to you' …my guy you cheated on her with a woman 20 years younger than you."
"NTA Op, they can ask, you can say no."
"If it really gets rough then they can downsize and stop excessively spending"
"PS: bringing your daughters into this 100000% makes them MASSIVE a**holes."-HUNGWHITEBOI25
"NTA."
"Also, why should you have to suffer because of their choices?"
"You already suffered before because of their affair."
"That's what led to the endorse."
"That's the reason why he had to pay alimony."
"In the first place, alimony is his punishment for the action that he chose to do with it."
'My wife, so no, that's not your problem."
'You can feel sad that he has cancer."
"Great, but that don't mean that."
"You should allow it to impact you negatively financially."
"Because are they gonna increase the payments again?"
'After cancer and not trying to be rude or mean."
"But what happens if he dies?"
"You gonna need to have that money for you and your girls."
"Still, there's so many like what ifs, so no, no."
"Keep your money consistent."
"Because I highly doubt that after he heals."
"He's not gonna be selfish myself live and say oh, I'll pay you back where you lost those months and some more."
"He's not going to do that, so no, don't put yourself in harm's way for a man who couldn't even commit to his promise to you while married."
"Why would he commit to a promise to you when y'all are divorced."- mspooh321
Being diagnosed with cancer is terrifying news, no matter a mild or terminal diagnosis.
That being said, if the OP's ex-husband needs to make changes to his current financial situation, waiving his alimony payments should be his absolute last resort.
Particularly if he is living above his means as the OP suggests he is.
That's not even mentioning the fact that after he cheated on the OP, he felt he was "good to her" for merely fulfilling his legal obligation of paying alimony.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp