Money is often an extremely contentious topic in conversation.
With this in mind, one should always make an effort to avoid discussing all things monetary.
Especially regarding how much or how little you make.
And even more so if doing so is a way of establishing your power or status.
The brother of Redditor Empty-Wash-4761 recently paid an unexpected visit to their home, bringing his girlfriend along with him.
During this visit, the original poster (OP)'s children riled their brother's girlfriend up, claiming they were damaging something that cost her a pretty penny.
Not willing to accept this sort of behavior in their own home, the OP felt the only solution was to use one of their more expensive purchases as a counterargument.
A tactic the OP's brother did not appreciate one bit.
Concerned they may have gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my brother girlfriend to eff off?"
The OP explained why they felt compelled to flaunt their status a bit at their brother's girlfriend:
"We've been battling 120 heat where I live over the last week."
"My brother and his girlfriend came over to use my pool yesterday."
"I have 3 children and they are playing in the pool and I see my brother's girlfriend yelling at my kids."
"I asked her what her problem was and she goes off saying she just payed $1000 for her hair and she doesn't want MY children to jump and splash getting it wet."
"I told her I paid $100,000 for this pool for my kids to be able to jump and splash it so she can f*ck off about her $1000 hair."
"She got butthurt and made my bother leave."
"My wife thinks I could have been nicer but I cannot imagine some telling my children how to play in their home and in their pool."
"My brother thinks I was wrong for rubbing my money in her face but I feel like she started it talking about her $1000 hair."
"My brother thinks I was being insensitive but I said maybe his girlfriend will think twice before talking to other people's kids like that in their own f*cking home."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for telling their brother's girlfriend to f*ck off.
While some felt that the OP could have been a bit more diplomatic, everyone generally agreed that if the OP's girlfriend felt the need to brag about how much she spent on her hair, they had every right to throw how much they spent on the pool right back at her... particularly as she was a guest in their house. With others confused by her not wanting to get her hair wet, yet swimming in a pool.
"NTA - why is she sitting by the pool then?"
"Also, what kind of hair costs $1000?"
"Is it a wig?"
"I'd understand if she had a medical condition and was sensitive maybe?"
"If not and it's just extensions or whatever … then she can MOVE."- heather20202024
"NTA."
"Beggars can't be choosers."
"Or, don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
"Both come to mind."
"Your brother's gf yelled at your kids, for being kids."
"I'd kick her out, just for that."
"If she's going to whine about her hair, she can do it well away from your property."- 101037633
"NTA."
"If she didn't want wet hair, get the hell away from the pool."
"And if she's stupid enough to pay $1000 for hair then as Forrest says 'Stupid is as stupid does'."
"Her extentions can't be that awesome."
"And if it's a wig, take the damn thing off."
"I wouldn't let her back in my house."- Country-girl7053
"NTA."
"Only reason he's defending her is cuz he is, what my folks like say, kitty whipped (insert proper term instead of kitty)."
"She came to your home, if she ain't wanna get splashed she can either wait for the kids to get out or go to a private pool place that she can pay for since she got the funds for that 1000 dollar hair."
"This ladies and gentlemen is entitlement."
"Glad to see you put your foot down so hard she ain't have no room to sit."- New_Ambassador1194
"NTA."
"I'm trying to imagine a scenario that makes what she did even remotely okay."
"Maybe she....no."
"How about....no."- hubertburnette
"NTA."
"She chose to go to a pool with 1000$ hairdo?"
"Not your problem and not your kids' problem either."
"That's her misjudgement, not yours."- atealein
"NTA."
"Your brother allowed his gf to yell at his niblings because he was worried he might not get laid."
"I would tell him to f*ck all the way off unless he's coming over to apologize to your kids."-spaceylaceygirl
"NTA."
"You were standing up for your children against someone who was being an @ss to children for no reason."
"She's the grown-up, it's not her place, she can move wherever she won't be splashed or she can leave."- CptKUSSCryAllTheTime
"NTA."
"My rule: don't go on the boat if u don't wanna get wet lol."- njdevil956
"NTA."
"Your house, your rules."
"Doesn't matter if they were splashing her intentionally, who pays 1k for hair and then goes to the pool?"- sickofdriving007
"I'm right there with you."
"Don't come to a pool with your fancy a** hair if you're so worried about getting it wet."
"Especially don't yell at the kids who live in the home and are enjoying said pool."
"I would have told her to go f*ck herself as well."
"NTA."- Jim_Lahey10
"NTA."
"She could have asked nicely for them not to splash her, but she went straight to yelling."
"Your reaction was justified."
"It is foolish to be near a pool and expect to stay dry."
"If she was that worried about her hair, she needed to go somewhere else."- thechaoticstorm
"NTA, you merely matched her energy."
"Yelling first gets yelling back."
"Flaunting money gets flaunting money back."
"Brother is just annoyed because now she's yelling at him."- rebekahster
"What kinda dumba** pays $1000 for their hair and then goes to a pool?"
"lol."
"Also, wtf kinda hair treatment costs A THOUSAND DOLLHAIRS?"
"Holy sh*t."
"NTA."- GarneNilbog
"She can afford a 5 dollar plastic bonnet."
"NTA."- Ketokitchenwizard
"NTA."
She should not be near a pool if she is concerned about her overpriced hair and definitely not yelling at your kids on your property."
"Your property, your pool, your rules."- kiwimuz
"NTA."
"She literally could have avoided that whole thing by simply asking the kids not to splash her, instead of yelling."
"If they didn't she could have gotten you or your wife and asked you guys to get them to stop."- Oddveig37
"NTA."
"If I just paid for new hair, I'd be nowhere near the splash zone or wearing a hair cover."
"And, yes, she was the one to bring up money first."
"FA&FO."- Prestigious_Badger36
"This reminds me of when I was a little kid, visiting my grandma in her 50+ retirement community."
"We would often go there and then hang out at the pool right by her little condo."
"I would swim around, and was pretty good about not being loud or splashing about."
"However, there'd always be these other old ladies either by or in the pool who had just gotten perms and would give us dirty looks the whole time."
"Sure, I get that this was a neighborhood pool, and the OP was a private pool situation...but STILL."
"I'll never understand people who get their hair done and then go to the pool while not expecting to get wet at all."
"Why even go?"
"It's like those who run out of the pool when it merely starts raining even if there's no thunder or lightning."
"You're already wet!"
"OP is totally NTA."
"Your pool, your kids."
"Maybe if the g/f wasn't YELLING at their kids it would have been a different story."- Kuropuppy13
"I couldn't get past the $1000 hair."
"I am a guy."
"Going to the barber costs me $15 + tip."
"I know women's salons are more expensive, but dayum."
"One thousand dollars?"
"NTA."- srivasta
"NTA at all."
"WTF would you spend $1000 on your hair and then go in a pool?"- Lastaction_Zero
"I bet your brother's GF's hair looked beautiful and it's an investment, for sure."
"It truly is."
"it's a lucrative business in many ways."
"BUT."
"She was sitting by a pool."
"She could have sat farther away, wore some sort of cover, sat inside with AC, or anything else."
"It's not reasonable for her to demand the kids to not...enjoy the pool in their own home because she didn't plan."
"You just threw back with the same energy."
"It's the play stupid games, win stupid prizes scenarios."
"NTA."- AVeryBrownGirlNerd
It is a bit hard to sympathize with someone who yells at children for having fun in their own pool.
Particularly over getting your hair wet, which, when sitting by a swimming pool, is almost an inevitability.
Did the OP need to share how much they spent on the pool? Of course not.
Then again, their brother's girlfriend also didn't need to share how much she spent on her hair.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp