Family doesn’t always need to be determined by blood relations.
Indeed, the people one should consider family are those who you know you can always rely on, who will always be there for you when you need them, and who you go to when you need love and support.
While those people or that person very well might be a blood relative, it might also be someone who came into your life a bit later on or someone who adopted you to be part of your family at a very young age, either literally or figuratively.
Redditor Go Regular_Chocolate_46 was happy to discover that the son she gave up for adoption when she was a teenager asked to meet her when he became old enough.
Making the original poster (OP) even happier was seeing what a fine young man he had grown up to become, that his adopted family provided the loving and nurturing household she hoped they would, and that the two of them proved to have a strong connection and relationship.
That relationship seemed threatened, however, when the OP asked her biological son not to address her by a particular name, resulting in the two of them seemingly losing touch.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA For telling my biological son to stop calling me ‘Mom’?”
The OP explained how her seemingly strong relationship with her biological son hit an unexpected roadblock:
“When I (40 F[emale]) was a teenager I had a baby and gave him up for adoption.”
“I did this through and agency and one of the stipulations of the contract required the adoptive parents to provide my contact information to him after he was an adult so that if he ever wanted to contact me, he could.”
“Sure enough, 18 years later I get a letter in the mail and he wants to meet.”
“I said yes and his Mom flew with him to meet me in my state.”
“We had a great visit and it was amazing getting to know the great young man he grew up to be.”
“We have kept in contact over the last couple years, I let him meet my kids and let him form a brotherly bond with them.”
“Then he started calling me Mom.”
“It feels weird to me for him to call me that, and it feels disrespectful to his Mom, who I think is amazing to be so forthcoming and supportive of him having a relationship with me and my family.”
“I really didn’t want to hurt him, but I explained my feelings to him about a week ago, and I haven’t heard from him since.”
“While it is common for us to go for long periods of time without talking, I have a feeling that this particular bout of silence is due to him being upset and I am feeling guilty about it.”
“It is worth mentioning that we met after he turned 18.”
“He is going to be 23 next month.”
“I gave him up at birth.”
“He has never known me to be his mother, and his adoptive Mom is his only Mom.”
“Giving him up was the single hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.”
“So to the people who say I rejected him, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I went through an agency and specifically chose his parents from stacks and stacks of files.”
“He has had a wonderful life full of so many more opportunities than my teenage self could have ever dreamed of giving him.”
“I didn’t just blurt out ‘Don’t call me mom’ or ‘I am not your mom’.”
“We had a conversation about it where I told him I was uncomfortable with it, and he seemed understanding about it and where I was coming from.”
“He harbors ZERO feelings of abandonment or rejection.”
“His parents are wonderful parents, and he had a great life.”
“His desire to meet me did not come from a ‘why did you abandon me’ place.”
“He was curious about me and wondered how much of his personality is nature vs nurture.”
“Spoiler alert, a LOT of his personality is nature.”
“As an only child though, he was very excited to meet his brothers.”
“I don’t think he wanted to call me Mom because he felt some mother-son connection between us.”
“He said that he felt like I deserve a title that is more than just ‘lady I got DNA from’ especially around his brothers.”
“I told him it is fine just to call me by my first name.”
“His bio father died of a drug overdose some years ago.”
“And NO, I did not give him up because I was on drugs.”
“I have never even smoked pot in my life.”
“Am I the a**hole here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her biological son she didn’t feel comfortable with his calling her mom.
In fact, it was generally agreed that there were no a**holes in this situation. As the OP’s son seemed to be touched and grateful that the two of them had such an immediate connection, but the OP was valid in her discomfort with being called “mom”, as he clearly had a mother who gave him unconditional love:
“NAH.”
“However reach out to your Son and ask if he is ok.”
“Maybe clarify in writing that although you are his mother, you don’t feel that you deserve the title of Mother or Mom.”
“That you value your relationship.”
“OP, you are the older person here, step up and communicate.”- AlarmedBechamel
“We talk about adoption a lot, but usually from the pov of the adoptee.”
“The parents who give their children up for adoption also go through emotional trauma as well.”
“It sounds like you are trying to develop a relationship with your son that is healthy.”
“For you, this might mean he needs to find another way to refer to you.”
“You are not in the wrong to want this.”
“NAH.”- Snickerdoodle2021
“NAH.”
“I’m feeling really sorry for the both of you.”
“I think your son was feeling such a warm connection to you (after the sweet description you gave of your meetup and following connections) and ‘mom’ came out of that: bc he felt so welcomed and close to all of you.”
“I also can see how it made you uncomfortable at the moment and your fear it might hurt his adoptive mom.”
“Now that you’ve had time to sit w it a little do you feel any different?”
“I ask bc I called my MIL mom (and that’s what I call my own mom) and my husband calls my mom ‘mom’.”
“Neither mom felt slighted or less than bc we used the same names for them.”
“So, I wonder whether if you just think of it as affection coming thru you’d be more comfortable w it?”
“Also, have you shared this with your son’s adoptive mom?”
“I think you should tell her about your fears.”
“You should also reach out to your son and ask if he’s okay.”
“He may be, but like you, I think this latest silence comes so swiftly on the heels of the ‘mom’ thing that it’s very likely connected.”
“You’re obviously a very caring person- that comes thru clearly.”
“It’s probably quite usual for there to be this sort of awkwardness as you settle into a relationship w him/them.”
“I do get the hesitancy you’re feeling.”
“I wonder if it’d be helpful to talk to a therapist who’s familiar w inter family relationships and adoptions?”
“It couldn’t hurt.”
“I wish the very best outcome for all of you.”- Global_Look2821
“The main point of contention in this thread is peoples personal interpretation and implications of calling someone mom; that and clear biases.”
“Your actions were reasonable and his reaction is valid and to to be expected.”
“He’s young and doesn’t quite understand the lead up to the situation and why you wouldn’t want this.”
“As others have suggested, the remedy is more communication and assurance that you think he’s great, but you don’t want to step on any toes and it’s just your personal view.”
“Perhaps discuss with the mother first.”
“NTA.”- TwentySchmackeroos
“NAH.”
“It’s an unfortunate situation but he is 18 and you are allowed to have boundaries.”
“Be gentle but you aren’t a bad person.”- DSQ
The OP later returned with an update, sharing her son’s response to her request:
“We talked last night.”
“He called just to shoot the sh*t and I mentioned that I was worried that he was upset about the conversation about him calling me Mom.”
“He said he had been thinking about it for a while and wondering if it was appropriate so he just threw it out there.”
“He said that he was glad I wasn’t gushing with happiness about it because as soon as he did it, it felt not-right and he was just as uncomfortable as I was about it.”
“He also said he wasn’t ghosting me or anything (like I said, it is super common for us to go long periods without talking) he has just been busy going back and forth between home and school moving back into the dorms and getting ready for the upcoming semester.”
“So that’s it.”
“No big deal.”
“Thank you to everyone who had kind and supportive words, feedback, and encouragement.”
“I really appreciate it.”
Given the nature of their relationship, it would be easy to understand how either the OP or her son might worry how anything they say might hurt the other’s feelings.
Thankfully, both of them are understanding of this.
And if the OP’s son had one true “Mom” who raised him and nurtured him, he’s now among the lucky few to have two “mothers” who will continue to love him for the rest of his life.