Listening is an underrated skill.
Not just hearing the words someone is saying, but understanding them.
What happens when someone you love doesn’t listen to you, but also goes in the exact opposite direction of what you asked of them?
This was the problem that led Redditor and Original Poster (OP) anonymoussoda21 to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for guidance.
“AITA for asking my fiancé to return my engagement ring for something my style?”
She began by explaining the background.
“For reference, I am 27 F & my fiancé is 29 M.”
“We have been together for around 3 years & just recently got engaged.”
“We had talked about marriage before & I showed him a few pictures of rings that I liked & that were my style & told him my ring size which is an 8.”
“I do like slightly bigger diamonds cus I have chunkier fingers & I feel like small diamonds kinda get lost on my chubby hands.”
“I know real diamonds the size I wanted would be wayyy too expensive so I looked into moissanite & found beautiful rings so I even told him I didn’t want expensive real diamonds I just wanted moissanite in order to get a bigger rock & my style & as long as it didn’t turn my finger green.”
OP then moved to the problem at hand.
“So skip to the engagement day, it was overall really beautiful & I obviously said yes.”
“When he went to put the ring on, the ring itself was too small.. it fit but it made my finger look like the Michelin man & it was the complete opposite of everything I showed him.”
“(Note: I like simple minimal bands, this ring was vintage looking & very busy & the diamond was really small. even the metal color was not what I showed him. I still said the ring was pretty but I obviously wasn’t elated or beaming with happiness over it.)”
“I was actually pretty hurt he didn’t listen to anything I told him & thought he didn’t care.”
“I sat on these thoughts & feelings for a few days & I tried my hardest to love the ring even tho it didn’t feel me at all.”
“I even told myself I could lose a few pounds so the ring could fit better.”
“After about a week, I decided to open up to him about everything & he got really mad.”
“I asked him why he bought this specific ring knowing what I liked? & he said it was the ring his mom & grandma helped him pick out & cus they said the ring was nice.”
“I asked how much the ring cost & it was wayyy more than the moissanite rings I showed him.”
“I asked him if he could take the ring & return it & we just buy the one I liked which was much cheaper & told him he could have that extra money back for himself.”
“He’s still soooo mad at me saying how ungrateful & spoiled I am & hasn’t even tried to return the ring.”
“It’s been an awkward few days. I even tried getting him to put himself in my shoes & pretend I got him a gold ring instead of his black ring but he just doesn’t get it.. “
“(note: he HATES gold jewelry & told me he loved the way black rings looked so that’s what I got him… what he likes.)”
“I know it’s such a dumb situation over a ring, but it really hurts me & makes me feel like he didn’t take into consideration anything I told him about what I like.”
“It’s not like I want a $10k huge diamond ring. The rings I liked are literally $1k-$2k cheaper than what he got me.”
“I know it’s just a ring, but it’s a ring I’m going to have & stare at for the rest of my life, & it doesn’t feel like me at all.”
Given that her fiancee was still so upset, she was left to wonder.
“Am I just being dramatic & being an a**hole??”
Having explained the situation, OP was left to ask Reddit for their thoughts.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Some were confused about the opinions her fiancee decided to listen to.
“I have no idea why he took his mother and grandma shopping for OP’s ring.”
“Totally bizarre and not traditional at all.”
“My husband’s mom didn’t even know he went shopping, she was that little involved.”~byneothername
“Worst part, it’s not even her mom and her grandma.”
“It’s HIS mom and HIS grandma that picked out the ring.”
“He’d rather listen to two people who probably know OP the least and let them dictate what ring to buy for her.”
“The fact that it was too small could be their not-so-subtle way of trying to get OP to lose some weight.”
“You have to wear this piece of jewelry for the rest of your life.”
“HE was inconsiderate in not buying something you like.”
“Honestly, I’d give him back the ring and run as far away as I could, but I’m just a person on the internet who has no idea what the rest of your relationship is like.”
“Does he often defer to his mom’s wishes?”
“If so, she’s going to rule your marriage as well.”~TKD_Mom76
Others broke down the problem to the roots.
“Plus he called OP spoiled for wanting a CHEAPER ring?!”
“That’s some logic right there!”
‘dumb situation over a ring’
‘it’s just a ring’
“It’s not about the ring, it’s never about the ring!”
“It’s about him not giving a sh*t about what you like or want, what you ask of him, not knowing you, not listening to anything you said to him.”
“(Not even to the freaking ring size, a.k.a. below the absolute bare minimum), him not taking responsibility for his choices/decisions (mommy made me buy that), him not putting in any effort apart from paying.”
“(Hence his mom and grandma picked the ring instead of him).”
“(If he paid at all, and not his mom)”
“Him being a momma’s little boy who lets his mom run his life and interfere in his relationship.”
“(Mommy’s saying goes, hence the ring too.)”
“And it’s about him getting mad at you for not just shutting up and bowing down to his mom like he does and getting mad at you for ‘trying to make him upset his mommy’ (by returning mom’s ring), blaming you.”
“The ring is not the problem, that’s just the symptom.”
“I suggest a really really really long engagement to have plenty of time to think… Good luck if you marry him or ever have a kid with him!”
“You are going to need it.”~Cute-Shine-1701
There were reminders about who this was really about.
“OP I was prepared to tell you that you’re being ridiculous over a ring, but after reading through your post I firmly believe NTA.”
Fiancee’s logic seemed to hard to follow.
” ‘I’ll choose the ring mom and grandma likes instead of something my soon-to-be-fiancee explicitly told me she wants’. Uh, yikes.”~Trick_Literature_
OP did return with some final clarification.
“EDIT: I’ve seen a few people questioning if the ring was a family heirloom or hand me down & it’s not.”
“I did ask him during our talk. I even thought to myself prior to talking to him, if it was I could wear it on my right hand if they reallyy wanted me to have it but I could still have my own set on the left or figure something out.”
“But it doesn’t belong to either of them.”
“They also both are pretty petite women & have tiny hands & fingers like maybe size 5 & this ring is maybe a 7-7.5. & I’m an 8.”
Listening is an important life skill that often gets overlooked.
When someone asks you for something specific, it’s vital that you really listen to what they are asking for and to honor those wishes whenever possible.