Guy Won't Let Fiancée Post Email His Ex-Wife Sent Begging Him Not To Remarry On Social Media

Content Warning: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Mental Health Struggles

Even though they're supposed to make our lives better, relationships are endlessly complicated, and there's often no "right" way to address a relationship problem.

But when one person says they are done, no matter the reason, the other can't exactly do anything about it but move on, reasoned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor tw-letterexwife23231 had been shocked by his wife's admittance that she was not fulfilled by their marriage and wanted to move on, so when she struggled with her newfound freedom, he was willing to remain a supportive figure in her life.

But when she begged him not to marry his new girlfriend years later, the Original Poster (OP) realized she was crossing a line that no one who initiated a divorce should cross.

He asked the sub:

"AITAH for telling my fiancée not to share a letter my ex-wife sent to me on social media?"

The OP recently found himself in a whirlwind of drama.

"My ex-wife (34 Female) sent an email to me (34 Male), pleading with me not to marry my fiancée (27 Female)."

"My fiancée wants to share the letter on her social media to expose my ex-wife, but I feel she should be the bigger person and ignore her."

Years prior, the OP's then-wife admitted to being unfulfilled by their marriage.

"My ex-wife Lily and I started dating in college and were together for almost 10 years (and married for four). I thought we had a perfect relationship."

"However, around six years ago, Lily sat me down and told me she was feeling unhappy with our marriage and felt like she missed out on a lot of fun things in life because we got married early and spent all our effort on our career and finances."

"We are both lawyers and spent a lot of time on our law school, bar exam, etc., and got really high-paying jobs. She felt that she never got to live an independent life and find herself."

"I was heartbroken, as I did not know a life without her. But we went through a lot of stress during our marriage and I could see her side."

"We split amicably and got a divorce soon as we did not have any assets or kids to worry about."

Despite being the one to walk away, Lily found herself still needing the OP's support.

"Everything went okay for the first few months. However, Lily started getting panic attacks and went into depression after she started living alone."

"I still cared about her and helped her during that time. She was also diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and has been in therapy since. We stayed friends as the transition was difficult for both of us."

"However, I tried to move on from her by going on dates. Lily and I stayed good friends for almost one year after our divorce."

"She asked me a few times if we should try to work on our marriage, but I had moved on and told her we were better off as friends than as a couple."

"She felt that I should have not let her leave me, because she was not in the right state of mind. However, what was I supposed to do? I just did not want to be with someone who did not fully want to be with me."

Then the OP met someone who was ready to fully commit to their relationship.

"I met Mila at our running club, and we really hit it off. Mila was much younger than me but really matched my energy. We started dating seriously soon after."

"Mila expressed that she found it uncomfortable that Lily was still such a big part of my life."

"I also felt I wanted to invest all my energy in my relationship with Mila and I told Lily that I would be distancing myself from her."

"Lily reluctantly agreed, and we stopped texting each other daily, and only met on social occasions such as weddings or parties, as we both share the same group of friends."

"Lily and Mila never got along, but Mila tolerated Lily for me."

Lily could not handle the idea of the OP moving on without her.

"Mila and I have been dating for three years, and I proposed to her during the summer holidays last year when we visited her parent's house."

"We have been busy planning our wedding and plan to get married in September."

"Everything was going really well until last week when I received an email from Lily, pleading with me to not marry Mila."

"It was a long email talking about how we are soulmates and meant to be together. It was extremely delusional and talked about how I was just punishing her by being in a relationship with Mila, and she has learned her lesson, and I should take her back now."

"It talked about how I would be abandoning her after I promised her that I would take care of her in sickness and health for her entire life, and my new marriage vows would be meaningless, since I promised all those things to her."

The OP realized he had not distanced himself enough from Lily.

"I immediately told Mila about this and told her that Lily had crossed the line, and I would not only block her everywhere, but I would make sure I had no contact with her."

"Mila was very upset too, and started cursing out Lily about how she was planning to ruin her special day."

"Mila told me that she wanted a screenshot of the email and sent it to my parents. They, of course, supported Mila and told her that Lily had to be cut off forever from our lives, and I agreed."

But Mila wanted to take much bigger action against Lily.

"But Mila also wants to share the email on her Instagram and Facebook so that all our friends would also see Lily's behavior, so that they all block her, as well, and never invite her to any events."

"This is where I do not agree with Mila. I know that Lily is not mentally well and has not been depressed again since we announced our engagement. Lily has tried to reach out to me through my friends, but I have not given her a chance to speak to me alone."

"I feel bad for Lily, and I feel Mila sharing the post would only extend the drama. I also worry that my friends know about Lily's mental condition, and it would feel petty to hurt her, while I am moving on and marrying an amazing person in Mila."

"I have told Mila about all this, and she feels that I am still trying to protect Lily, when she tried to hurt Mila by sending that email."

"I am not sure what to do at this point. Am I the AH to ask Mila to not share the email on social media for everyone to see Lily's private email to me? Is Mila right that Lily deserves all the hurt she would get after she makes the email public?"

"AITAH?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some understood why Mila was upset but gently suggested that posting was going too far.

"Posting it on social right now would be a bad idea."

"However, I do think Lily is going to try something at your wedding. And maybe I have spent too much time online, but there is a very good chance someone in your friend group or family might enable her to do so."

"Mila needs to know you support her and won't let anyone ruin your wedding. Sharing the letter feels like her only option is to go on offense instead of constantly playing defense. You need to give her another option."

"You need to tell Mila (and actually do it) that you have given Lily's photo to venue security and that if they see her, she is to be immediately escorted off the premises."

"Then, you need to send a diplomatic email to your mutual friend group telling them that while you would never ask them to cut Lily out of their lives, out of respect for what you went through in your divorce and what you're trying to build in your new life, you would appreciate it if none of them intervened in your relationship with her going forward. That sets the standard and expectation."

"That's what Mila wants. She wants to know you're on her side and Lily won't be part of your lives going forward. She went for the nuclear option with wanting to share the letter, but I think if you show her it's not necessary, she'll come back from the brink." - UnquantifiableLife

"Poor Mila has been in a state of defense the entire relationship. She's been forced to have a guard up and be on high alert never knowing what Lily would do next."

"OP needs to send some sort of diplomatic email or text to the friend group explaining the situation but not disclose the contents of Lily's email."

"Mila wants to know OP has her back and on her 'team,' and he hasn't done a good job of that so far." - mermaidmom4

"If Mila's motive is 'not having her wedding crashed/overshadowed by drama,' then this is a good compromise. If her motive is to 'screw over Lily by turning all her friends against her,' OP should take a look and see if he's in a relationship with another person with BPD."

"But I'm guessing that Mila is probably honestly just sick of being in defense mode in a relationship with the person she hopes to spend the rest of her life with, and she's eager to put all this drama to bed."

"NTA, OP, you've been a good ex-husband and a good friend, but you need to make Mila feel safe now." - SafiyaMukhamadova

"I think Mila has been feeling anger at Lily for a long time and wants to express it through posting that and have everyone validate how she feels. But I don't think this is a healthy way to express it. It's like kicking a person while they're down."

"Maybe suggest couples therapy to sort out all the emotions and bring more understanding... not just to Mila but to you and how you treat her." - wolfepoison

"This is important: Mila wants to send out the email because she does not currently believe OP fully has her back on (1) explaining and keeping the truth and reality of OP and Lily's breakup (she left him) and (2) removing Lily from their personal lives once and for all."

"I don't think exes can't ultimately become or remain friends, though I think it's rare that the relationship is healthy. In this case, OP staying so close to Lily, protecting her from reality and from their friend group understanding the truth, and still remaining in too frequent contact after being with Mila has set in motion a possibly serious problem."

"OP telling Mila how he is going to protect her and their marriage/relationship and then actually doing it would likely go a long way toward Mila not feeling the need to blow up the friend group by posting on social media."

"If their friends think everything is fine between OP and Lily or worse, if Lily has convinced any of them that OP actually loves her and is using Mila, etc. that's a big problem OP needs to address immediately. Not showing them the email or even putting Lily down, but a plain statement of concerns about how Lily is refusing to let go and accept that their marriage and relationship are over."

"OP needs to step up and show Mila he has her back by actually having her back. But as far as posting the email online, he is NTA. That's a bad move for everyone and it is an email to him, so it's his choice in the long run." - Wackadoodle-do

Others reassured the OP there were other ways to address Lily's email than to post it.

"Mila is scared Lilly will try to sabotage their wedding and relationship if this 'delusional and unhinged' side really rears its ugly side, which is completely understandable. Mila does need to express some discretion and perhaps a little more maturity, despite it being something any person would be angry over."

"Posting that letter on social media does feel like a bad idea with someone who has mental health issues, and perhaps if the situation escalates, it could be shared in person, with relevant people, to show what was said by the ex. Not a shared screenshot or forwarded email, but just a "here, read this so you understand," so that it isn't shared around in a harmful way." - AdEuphoric1184

"Calling your close friends over and having a chat like, 'This is what the ex sent, please understand she is not well. I don't want you to take her away from your life, but I would appreciate you not mention us in conversations with the ex and avoiding inviting us when you invite her as it seems our marriage is not doing great for her mental health.'"

"That would be more than fair."

"Friends will understand, and that creates a boundary with them and as adults, they should be accountable for sharing anything with her..."

"But wanting to shame her all over the internet shows a lack of character." - Whole_Water4840

"I understand her urge, and maybe if everyone involved was mentally well, I wouldn't feel quite so strongly about it. But since he has responded by blocking & going no contact, and the ex has a pretty serious personality disorder, attempting to destroy her social life feels like a dangerous move."

"I wouldn't want this woman around either. And I'd probably confront her face to face the next time I saw her, because I will not tolerate that kind of disrespect. But to ostracize her from everyone she knows could do serious damage. If she lost her entire social circle, spun out, and harmed herself, I'd feel guilt."

"Unless she continues on & uses the friend group to try to gain more leverage, it seems better not to share. I usually don't believe in 'being the bigger person,' because generally it means letting people get away with bad s**t."

"But he's cut her off. There's a huge consequence here. Let that be enough. NTA." - BojackTrashMan

"What do you mean you don't know what to do? You don't want the letter shared, end of story. You are NTA here. Tell Mila that you do not want it shared and she does not have your consent to share a private correspondence addressed to you. If she won't drop it or shares it anyway that's a massive red flag." - PandaMime_421

"It seems that you have taken appropriate steps to block Lily and sever contact. Mila's desire to publicly shame her seems pretty callous considering that Lily clearly has some very serious mental health issues. There is no upside to causing her additional mental stress by publicly shaming her for her very bad judgment. What if, God forbid, she takes her own life afterward? Mila could very easily become the villain here."

"It's your email. If you don't want it shared (and I applaud you for that choice) then Mila should accept that and drop it."

"Take precautions at the wedding to block Lily from entering, preferably with someone who is not going to be a complete and total asshole to her, but who would be otherwise very firm. And hope that Lily gets the mental health help she clearly needs." - Aylauria

The subReddit could completely understand why Mila was upset and even why she wanted to act out in some way, but posting such a private and sensitive message from someone with mental health struggles was not a smart move and also a very bad look.

Keeping Lily out of the OP's life and as far away from his wedding as they could was one thing, but totally sabotaging her remaining relationships and support system over a moment of extreme vulnerability and poor decision-making was entirely another.